Overseas wedding

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

DH has been at his brother's wedding in Asia. I didn't go as we couldn't afford it. (We have 5 children). I could maybe have taken the baby, but the 3 year old is going through a difficult patch (lots of meltdowns and tantrums) and my gut instinct was that it would not have been fair to leave her and would, most probably have exacerbated jealousy issues and existing clinginess.

DH always assumed that he would be going. Despite the fact it would cost over £1500 and would mean that we would have no money left for any sort of family holiday this summer.

I was never very happy about it and now I am upset because while I have been dealing with hot children, tantruming, squabbling and knee-deep in the detritus and grunge of 5 young kids, as well as been taking various calls from clients for him and sorting out issues, he has been waxing lyrical about how great a time he has been having and how it's all been so interesting. It's a country I've never been to and would love to have gone.

In particular he recorded a video which was supposedly a joke, saying that the new in-laws are threatening to come around to visit at any time so we need to keep the house pristine. Which has grated given that it feels as though I do most of the housework anyway.

I sent him a series of angry texts, about how upset I am that we aren't actually going to get any sort of holiday this year (although he wants us to go and stay at the in laws for a couple of weeks in a remote part of Wales) and how insensitive he has been over this whole trip. He was hoping that I would take him to and from the airport (40 miles away) including a 7am pick up, which would mean getting the kids up at 4am. It would have been a 'loving thing to do' though he gets now it was an unreasonable request.

He claims that the trip wasn't about having fun but about 'family' and that he does his best to put us first most of the time. He cannot believe that I am so upset about him attending his brother's wedding. What I am upset about is his spending at least £1500 on a trip just for him meaning the rest of us miss out and thinking this is perfectly reasonable. I've also been struggling a little bit with depression recently which he knows and being left on my own with all the kids on summer holiday has been hard.

I am upset because he made no attempt to make it up to me in any way and I've even had to remind him that he ought to get something, even if it's cheap sweets from a supermarket, for the children. He just thought that I should suck it up sweetly.

I've been really upset seeing the hashtag of the wedding all over social media and I can't face 2 weeks at my ILs (who are perfectly nice) on best behaviour, listening to how it was all so wonderful. Especially as when the weather is bad there is nothing to do where they live and not even their garden is safe. (It's a smallholding, lots of concealed dew ponds, tractors going up and down etc). I really could not have gone, it felt like it would have been totally unfair on both my 3 year old and my parents for looking after a boisterous 6,5 and 3 year old for week.

AIBU or spoilt for being resentful and feeling our summer is ruined?

[Monochromecat]

Why on earth don't you let him take the children to his parents and you go somewhere else or stay at home - whichever you find more relaxing?

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

Thanks. Boysnme. He knows quite how upset I am about this and that his message and corresponding text exchange has triggered 24 hours of on/off crying.

Margaret - the house has been a bit of a mess of late - it's really difficult with lots of children, and the fact it has been like that has got me down. It's important for his job that the house is extremely presentable at all times, because we have lots of visitors/clients coming around. So there was some truth in what he was saying, however, he will come back to find it spotless as I took the opportunity of his absence to actually tackle his mess, without him hoarding and stopping me from chucking stuff or hovering over me telling me how I'm doing it wrong.

I feel that the trip abroad was just selfish, coming at time when I have been struggling with lots of children and very little help. That's all. And he feels my being upset and angry is outrageous. He said he couldn't quite believe that I was so upset about his going to his brother's wedding.

I just feel like an irritating afterthought/little child who needs to be placated. I should just grow up, accept he went and harden my heart a bit. And try not to feel guilty next time I want to go and have my hair cut or something and ask him to look after the children for a few hours.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

He thinks I am being unreasonable to want him to take the children to his parents on his own and that it's not very fair on them. They like going there. When the weather is good we do go to the beach. It's just if the weather is awful, there's nothing to do, and you never feel 100% relaxed at the in laws.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

Should clarify, he thinks I resent him spending time with his family. It's just that it's always at the expense of me and the children. I don't want to stop him from seeing his family and I admire the fact he is a devoted brother/son. I just would like him to act as though he is devoted to us and want to spend some quality time with us too.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Take a credit card out in his name and book yourself a weekend away with a friend. He's a prick.

[CalleighDoodle]

Do you feel he treats you more like an employee?

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

CalleighDoodle- yes. Though to be fair, I technically am.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

So...

You all need a nice holiday and only he got one.
He wants the house immaculate at all times but hoards and clutters. Then tells you to clean.
He wants to see his family but he thinks you're selfish to let him go on his own with the children.
He can't be bothered to remember to bring small presents home for his family.
He uses family savings to please himself and calls you selfish for being upset.
You want a holiday but he has spent all the money AND will turn his nose up at a cheap holiday.

Does he have any empathy? Because I'm reading how you understand his feelings about his dad and mum and brother. But nothing about how he understands why you feel as you do.

[Nanny0gg]

How is the OP in anyway unreasonable?

How is it fair that £1500 of family money is spent on one member? When there is then none left to spend on the rest of them. That money would have paid for a lovely family holiday. And it was non-negotiable.

And her DH is being spectacularly thoughtless.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Do NOT take out a credit card, what stupidly bad advice!

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Not advice, more of a joke/banter. Lighten up ffs.

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

To the person who texted 'Sorry, you decided not to come' reply, 'I would have loved to have come, unfortunately we couldn't have afforded for both of us to come. I am glad DH could make it and has had such a wonderful time. The kids can't wait to have him home!'

regarding the family holiday, perhaps suggest one week he takes the children and then you join them for a week. Plus find a bucket and spade for you and the children.

And send him an email about the state of the house, the work you have done in his absence, what you expect him to do when he gets back and that his video message was wholly inappropriate, inconsiderate and downright rude!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Excellent summary of the position, MrsTerryPratchett.

"He'd rather veg at his parents, reading books and putting the world to rights, while I manage the kids."
Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Seriously - fuck that! He takes the kids to your PILs and he manages the kids. You need some downtime and you are not going to get it there. Plus, if your forecast of 'what a shame' comments turns out to be accurate, any normal sane person would retaliate by beating the 'what a shamer' to a bloody pulp. Tends not to enhance your relationship with them.

Your husband is being a prick, and it sounds to me like it predates his brother's wedding by some years.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

"It frankly has nothing to do with 'having a nice time' it's about family. And I have said I have no objection to you having a break and repeatedly tried to talk about family holidays with you. You know I'm not great about just going and organising things without you. And yes you and our children are the most important part of our family and I put your first most of the time"

Thing is he hasn't. He has expressed some interest in going away next year if I can organize it and the price is right.

And it's easy to say that he has no objection to my going when he knows that we haven't the money! I would never take off for a holiday on my own while the children are this young. Especially not if it meant they wouldn't get a break. If I were to spend money on going away on my own he'd go berserk.

[ChinUpChestOut]

I second WhereYouLeftIt's suggestion.

Tell DH "Absolutely we go and stay with PILs for a couple of weeks. You go on ahead with the 4 oldest DCs, and I'll join you at the beginning of the 2nd week. I'm going to spend some time with my DPs, visit some friends etc, and I'll take the baby. Don't know why I didn't think of that before - you're a genius".

And phone PILs to confirm that is what's happening. And your DPs, so everyone knows that DH is being a bit of a star and taking 4 eldest for a week to give you a break.

[Msqueen33]

I would be angry. Whilst I get that it's his brother it's a huge financial cost that means you and the kids miss out. Sounds like he's not so great with the kids when he is around if you're left to manage them.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

I'll give that a go. He'll make me feel bad about it. "I'd much rather go with you, we'll miss you" etc.

But we don't get any quality time together at the in-laws. He stays up all night putting the world to rights with his dad.

They only have Welsh TV and allow the children just a bit of cbeebies & a DVD. Rest of the time they are expected to entertain themselves quietly with a 40 year old snakes & ladders set & some dominoes so FIL can watch news/politics and dancing Derek the weatherman

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Sounds awesome. I can't imagine why that's not your dream holiday

[SouperSal]

OU! Don't be dissing Derek! He's a legend!

[SouperSal]

Should say Oi!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Is Open Universary a swear now?

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

At least they have running water this year. I'm not joking either. There have been years where the well ran dry and we couldn't use the taps and had to use buckets to flush the loos. If it's mellow, let it yellow etc. Not easy with young kids. Nor is the fact there is just 1 loo between 9 people when we stay and FIL spends ages in the bathroom.

But at your in laws you can never not get dressed or just go to the kitchen & fetch a cup of tea without a great deal of hassle (or at least I can't). And the kids aren't allowed snacks there either.

It isn't really restful or a trip away if I'm honest, but I go and do my bit and the kids don't mind too much at this age.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Aren't allowed snacks? According to who? Can't you just bring snacks and feed your children as you wish? Or are they as inflexible and autocratic as your DH?

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

We do bring snacks because we don't expect them to feed the DC, but they get looks. There is an aggressive border collie who doesn't like children in the kitchen so they can't go in unsupervised. It's all a palaver and you can tell that MIL & PIL don't approve. Neither do the children eat an evening meal with us because there is no room. So they have theirs before and then we settle them down to bed and have our grown up meal. That's if baby & 3 year old have gone down ok, and if not mine is kept warm while I am settling and feeling guilty that I am too deficient to have got them into a proper routine.

[QueenArseClangers]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers love!
We have 5DC so understand how hard it I'd but at least I have a DH who does 50/50 childcare/shitwork etc.
Have a look at Holiday Pirates. Some super cheap hols on there and if you manage to have a break I'd be rethinking my marriage tbh 💐