Overseas wedding

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

DH has been at his brother's wedding in Asia. I didn't go as we couldn't afford it. (We have 5 children). I could maybe have taken the baby, but the 3 year old is going through a difficult patch (lots of meltdowns and tantrums) and my gut instinct was that it would not have been fair to leave her and would, most probably have exacerbated jealousy issues and existing clinginess.

DH always assumed that he would be going. Despite the fact it would cost over £1500 and would mean that we would have no money left for any sort of family holiday this summer.

I was never very happy about it and now I am upset because while I have been dealing with hot children, tantruming, squabbling and knee-deep in the detritus and grunge of 5 young kids, as well as been taking various calls from clients for him and sorting out issues, he has been waxing lyrical about how great a time he has been having and how it's all been so interesting. It's a country I've never been to and would love to have gone.

In particular he recorded a video which was supposedly a joke, saying that the new in-laws are threatening to come around to visit at any time so we need to keep the house pristine. Which has grated given that it feels as though I do most of the housework anyway.

I sent him a series of angry texts, about how upset I am that we aren't actually going to get any sort of holiday this year (although he wants us to go and stay at the in laws for a couple of weeks in a remote part of Wales) and how insensitive he has been over this whole trip. He was hoping that I would take him to and from the airport (40 miles away) including a 7am pick up, which would mean getting the kids up at 4am. It would have been a 'loving thing to do' though he gets now it was an unreasonable request.

He claims that the trip wasn't about having fun but about 'family' and that he does his best to put us first most of the time. He cannot believe that I am so upset about him attending his brother's wedding. What I am upset about is his spending at least £1500 on a trip just for him meaning the rest of us miss out and thinking this is perfectly reasonable. I've also been struggling a little bit with depression recently which he knows and being left on my own with all the kids on summer holiday has been hard.

I am upset because he made no attempt to make it up to me in any way and I've even had to remind him that he ought to get something, even if it's cheap sweets from a supermarket, for the children. He just thought that I should suck it up sweetly.

I've been really upset seeing the hashtag of the wedding all over social media and I can't face 2 weeks at my ILs (who are perfectly nice) on best behaviour, listening to how it was all so wonderful. Especially as when the weather is bad there is nothing to do where they live and not even their garden is safe. (It's a smallholding, lots of concealed dew ponds, tractors going up and down etc). I really could not have gone, it felt like it would have been totally unfair on both my 3 year old and my parents for looking after a boisterous 6,5 and 3 year old for week.

AIBU or spoilt for being resentful and feeling our summer is ruined?

[carefreeeee]

The situation sounds unbearable...but is it only recently things have got this bad, as presumably you wouldn't have 5 children with someone who was always so unhelpful?

If it all used to be ok then maybe it's just a short term crisis and can be sorted out?

You sound overwrought and in need of a break. Being angry and abusive won't help though. You need to decide exactly what you would like and then discuss that together .

[scaryteacher]

Cannot concede he was in the wrong at all. I am angry, abusive, vitriolic & passive aggressive apparently. This is the classic male, attack is the best form of defence. Just tell him you know exactly what he is doing, and when he is willing to talk to you like an adult, instead of an egotestical teenage male, then you can discuss things.

I have been married for 30 years and have a 20 year old ds, so know the tricks!!!!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Oh and his sister is likely to announce her engagement too this week and it's likely to be an overseas wedding... Your turn for a jolly abroad while he sits at home dealing with the children then. Or not, because they are actually his family. Which means you don't have to go to Wales. Ha! MrMoreCake I got you coming and going.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

Oh and he still maintains I chose not to come and we could have taken the baby and left a clingy 3 year old with separation issues and allergy problems who is starting school a week after her 4th birthday.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

So he's back. Cannot concede he was in the wrong at all. I am angry, abusive, vitriolic & passive aggressive apparently.

"I can't believe you are threatening to leave me because I went to my brother's wedding".

House was more pristine than its been in weeks. No nice comments about it at all. He still thinks I am being unreasonable not coming to Wales. 😡

Oh and his sister is likely to announce her engagement too this week and it's likely to be an overseas wedding...

[coconutpie]

Wow, your DH is being a massive, selfish twat.

And I would not be going to Wales. It sounds like a hideous trip and one that I can't imagine the DC enjoying anyway.

[scaryteacher]

I would point blank refuse to go to pils on the grounds that he has seen his Mum at the wedding, and you want to do something for you and the dcs that doesn't involve eating separately and the kids being bored out of their skulls. My late Grandmother had no TV (this was back in the 70s and 80s) and we had to survive on a diet of Radio 2 (Friday Night is Music Night) and the draughts board. I still go cold at the memory.

As for new in laws dropping in unannounced, that would be a 'no'. They can book a visit with you. If your dh can afford to swan off, can he afford a cleaner to help you keep the house pristine? The bit about organising your life so he can keep in contact with his brother and friends - do you need to wipe his arse and purée his food for him too? If he can run a business he can manage his own contacts surely? Grrrr.

Just remember 'No' is a complete sentence. Don't go to Wales if you don't want to - it's no break for you. Just remember, men tend to do the 'attack is the best form of defence' strategy...so if he goes on the offensive, it is because he knows he is in the wrong and is trying to justify his actions to himself. Call him out on it, that works too!

[happypoobum]

Sorry, by nuclear I mean, I would have said if you go, it won't be with half my money, and don't bother coming back............

[footballwidow12]

I personally think YANBU......We only have 1 DD and at times I find her hard to manage on my own. My DH was supposed to be away on business for 6 days a couple of weeks back and I told him that I thought it was an unreasonable length of time (I work full time and have very little support from PIL - as I'm expected to manage on my own, my parents live away) so he cut it down to 3. He has mentioned that he may have to go again in a couple of weeks and to be honest I'm not overly happy and have told him again that it better not be for any longer than 3/4 days.

I suffer on and off with bouts of depression myself so I know how you are feeling, and no doubt it makes things seem ten times harder. That being said I think your DH has been out of order, ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

I did put my foot down and everyone thought I was being unreasonable. Last night a friend told me he had no choice other than to go and to be grateful I have a husband.

[Iloveowls2]

Id be angrier at your BIL for holding a wedding long haul when it was obvious that you could not take 5 kids there and your DH would obviously not want to go. If it stretched you financially your DH shouldn't have gone, or alternatively he should be showing some level of gratitude and the next holiday is your choice

[happypoobum]

Although I sympathise, this never would have happened if you had put your foot down when the wedding was first suggested. How come he got to wipe out your savings? I would have gone nuclear at this stage.

He sounds selfish with little regard for you. Agree to put phone on silent.

[HermioneWeasley]

Does he have any good qualities?

[Shizzlestix]

One bloke getting home alone is a hell of a lot easier than you getting 5 kids up at the crack of dawn to go and collect him. Don't go, OP!!

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Make sure you phone is set to silent (or do not disturb) and simply let him make his own way home. He can follow the signs or ask someone.

Don't worry about it.

I wouldn't have booked his flights either. DH and I would decide the budget for flights and expect him to source flights that fit in with that. Direct or not wouldn't matter as long as the price was within budget.

[CheshireDing]

Gosh totally trying to make you feel guilty.

He's an adult, I am sure he can figure out a way to get home under his own steam once back in the UK. I wouldn't even reply to any more of the texts about his travel arrangements, he is just doing it to fuel a reply from you.

Sounds like a fine idea to me as previous suggested, let him go to his Parents with the children and you do your own thing/join them at a later date text and say you've changed your mind your meeting friends ;)

[SuperFlyHigh]

To be quite honest with you putting everything else into perspective I'd be seconding QueenArseClangers advice and if no holiday via Holiday Pirates take the baby to your DPs for the first week.

He's got you right where he wants to hasn't he, a cheap/unpaid admin skivy with barely any workers rights and dancing to his tune to everything as well as direct flights to pick up from the airport.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers indeed!

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

Is it me or is he playing pathetic victim here? I had to help him book his flights and while he said he was happy to go via Europe if it was cheaper, he has never had to take a connecting flight before and came over all pathetic about it and said as he was travelling alone (sob) he'd feel much more confident going direct. So British Airways it was.

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

He's such a bugger. He texted me on the plane which is now wending its way home to say this: Not sure how I 'm getting home from Heathrow - not sure where the coach to xxxxx goes from so might just take the tube

We had a conversation before he left about what a pain it is getting on the tube from LHR back into central London.

Followed by: Hmm looking at national rail doesn't look too complicated might try the coach train route!
See how awake I feel!

To which I said, don't count on me feeling inclined to get up at 4:30am to give you a lift.

Response: No - get your sleep - as you said when we talked it over its quite early for the kids

I am still feeling murderous. He's trying to be all too conciliatory too late. And we didn't talk it over, I told him it was unreasonable to expect me to be there to pick him up when the flight lands at about 5am. 😡

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

The key to this is not to feel guilty and not to be a martyr. There's nothing wrong with sending your children to the in-laws with your DH for a week while you stay at home or go elsewhere for a relaxing break with the baby. He wants you to feel guilty so you don't leave him to deal with the children and he gets lots of relaxing time and you don't.

My DH can be a little guilty of this, but at this moment he's just got in from work and I've left him in the lounge supervising the children while I sit in quiet on the laptop in the dining room. I don't feel guilty at all, they are his children too. The key is not to be first to rush in, not to be the first to organise things.

If your DH wants you to go to the in-laws with him, then he best organise a cheap family holiday for you all where you do actually get a break. Leave the ball in his court.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Then he is your employer for secretarial work ONLY. He is absolutely NOT your employer for childcare or domestic services; he is your equal partner in that enterprise and he is frankly shirking his responsibilities.

And are you as an employee entitled to paid holiday?

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

He is my employer as well as my DH. I do paid secretarial/admin work for his company. A bit like an MP's wife might. (He's not an MP though.)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Your husband is a prick. Apparently it's a genetic trait.

"I'll give that a go. He'll make me feel bad about it. "I'd much rather go with you, we'll miss you" etc."
Well he was fine going to Asia without you I'm sure he can manage Wales. And yes of course he'd much rather you were there, so that you can do all the work! Tosser.

morecake can I ask you about an earlier exchange?

CalleighDoodle Sun 24-Jul-16 21:16:01
Do you feel he treats you more like an employee?
morecakepleaseImBritish Sun 24-Jul-16 21:17:12
CalleighDoodle- yes. Though to be fair, I technically am.

What did you mean, that you technically are?

[QueenArseClangers]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers love!
We have 5DC so understand how hard it I'd but at least I have a DH who does 50/50 childcare/shitwork etc.
Have a look at Holiday Pirates. Some super cheap hols on there and if you manage to have a break I'd be rethinking my marriage tbh 💐

[morecakepleaseImBritish]

We do bring snacks because we don't expect them to feed the DC, but they get looks. There is an aggressive border collie who doesn't like children in the kitchen so they can't go in unsupervised. It's all a palaver and you can tell that MIL & PIL don't approve. Neither do the children eat an evening meal with us because there is no room. So they have theirs before and then we settle them down to bed and have our grown up meal. That's if baby & 3 year old have gone down ok, and if not mine is kept warm while I am settling and feeling guilty that I am too deficient to have got them into a proper routine.