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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ex in my house or garden despite DD wanting to show him around

52 replies

Natsku · 23/07/2016 09:43

He has come to pick her up for his day visit with her, arrived about 20 minutes ago and still hasn't bloody left. They've been in the backgarden (walked around the houses to get there), came inside as DD wanted to fill up her watering can to water a flower she found and he was looking into rooms, and now I can still hear them in the porch.

I want to tell him to just leave now but I don't want to piss him off as I've asked him to take her to a children's festival today that she really wants to go to and there's a good chance he just wouldn't take her if he is angry at me and then she'll miss out. But its not unreasonable surely to expect him to pick up at the front door and then leave my property, right?!?!

OP posts:
Mycraneisfixed · 23/07/2016 10:36

YANBU. At 5yo your DD is old enough to take on board that this is hers and mummy's home and you'd rather not have daddy in there just as mummy doesn't wander into daddy's home. Next time he calls, shout "Just a minute" and don't open the door until your DD is ready to go.

emilybrontescorset · 23/07/2016 10:51

I was ping to suggest the exact same thing as Beezie.

Even if you are not really going anywhere, walk out and then come back when they gave gone.

nuttymango · 23/07/2016 10:56

YANBU, he's got no right to be in there other than once to see where his daughter is living.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/07/2016 11:10

Your DD may be old enough to explain that you don't like Daddy to come into your house any more, because it makes you uncomfortable.
If you can explain that you don't like it, she might stop asking for him to come in.
He clearly loves the fact that he still has that gateway into your life and will exploit the fuck out of it, because he knows damn well that it's giving him power over you again.

So the only options are to leave and lock up as soon as he arrives for her, or to get her to understand that he has no need to come inside.

So sorry for you - you should have a space where you can feel safe from him (I know he's not physically abusive, but still he's getting into your space, and that sucks)

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 12:12

babyboomer the first time he refused to leave I called the police and they just told him over the phone to leave but it was still quite a long time until he left. The other times I've just told him repeatedly that he needs to leave while poor DD is in tears until he eventually leaves. I want supervised handovers but there's no one to supervise on Saturdays.

OP posts:
Yummymummy30s · 23/07/2016 12:15

Another idea- can't you do handovers away from your house? For example at a shop car park?

Lelloteddy · 23/07/2016 12:17

Keep your door locked until he arrives.
Have DD ready by the front door.
Tell Dd that daddy is NOT coming in today and that you hope she has a lovely time. Kiss her, open the door, usher her out and shut it again.

Pearlman · 23/07/2016 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMaddHugger · 23/07/2016 12:37

Have handovers at the police station ??

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Just (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) This sounds Horrid

eggpoacher · 23/07/2016 12:40

YANBU at all! If my ex comes anywhere near my house, I'm ready to call the police.

Doinmummy · 23/07/2016 12:50

I had this with DD and her abusive father . I plastered on a smile for her sake but I hated it .

DD and I have now moved into a new home and I have actually invited him in and shown him round It was very interesting to see his reaction , he was so uncomfortable and actually had sweat running down his face ! I had the power this time, he was on my turf .

Spottytop1 · 23/07/2016 12:55

I would arrange for handovers in a public place not at your home.

That way he cannot come in and hang around.

Doinmummy · 23/07/2016 13:10

I know it's hard Op but if you take control it makes you feel amazing .

I would invite him in and say 'you can wait here' . If he goes to walk further , tell him 'no , I said wait here'. . It takes some guts but the more you do it the easier it becomes. It will also set a good example to your daughter .

Take back control , you can do it !

I was terrified of my ex , I made myself stand up to him , it actually revealed a very weak , insecure man who ( and I never ever thought I say this ) I now feel pity for .

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 13:24

I think handovers in a shop or cafe sounds like the best idea.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/07/2016 14:34

he's got no right to be in there other than once to see where his daughter is living.

Not even once, actually.
When OP has her DD, she's her responsibility. End of.

For various reasons, exH hasn't entered my home since we split and the most he's seen is through Skype. Even so, he's managed to ask about furniture and so on. Since then Skype calls are confined to DS's room.

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 14:49

Yeah he has no right to see my home, especially when he wouldn't let me into the house we used to share so I could get my belongings, he still has my British passport and won't give it back and my bank papers and other important documents.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 23/07/2016 15:43

To retrieve your documents, you can call the police who will escort you in so you can get your stuff back. Take your time to ensure it is all there. That is disgusting behaviour on his part and he has no right to withold your belongings, that is illegal and theft. Please arrange to get them back.

For handover, meet at the front door, close door, simple. Tell DD he is not allowed in the garden/house. Bloke sounds like a twat.

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 15:47

I tried asking the police to do that when I first left him but they wouldn't do it (don't live in the UK so don't know if the police do things differently here) but its been over 4 years now so probably even less chance of the police helping me with that.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 23/07/2016 15:51

Urgh. My ex was like this.

"Oh, thought we could have a cup of tea together?"

No, think again matey.

MrsJayy · 23/07/2016 16:06

I dont know where in the uk you are but you can get a court order (have different names in different uk countries) to collect your personsal belongings contact citizens advice he cant keep your personal documents

Lweji · 23/07/2016 16:10

You can get a new passport (report it stolen - by ex - to the police) and bank papers if you ask.
Have you spoken with any local domestic violence/abuse organisations about it?
Or make a formal complaint, so that court could mandate him to hand in those documents.

Lweji · 23/07/2016 16:11

Where are you? (if it's not too identifying)

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 16:21

I'm in Finland. I spoke about it with a social worker when I first moved out but I didn't talk to the victim support or anything because I just wanted to forget about it all and move on, and I didn't know then that he wouldn't let me get my belongings as at first he just kept postponing the day that he would let me come.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/07/2016 16:23

If you don't need the documents, I'd rather just get new ones.
Paperwork gets lost or stolen all the time.

Original poster
Natsku · 23/07/2016 16:31

I don't need them really, the passport has expired and the bank papers would only be needed if I forgot my online account number but that's firmly in my memory. I would have liked to have back certain things that had sentimental value and my old laptop that has my photos on it but without his cooperation it would be too stressful trying to get them back.

OP posts: