DP interview feedback (SAHP)

[YesIDoFeelBetter]

DP has been a SAHP for 4 years. He has been since ds was 4wks old and I returned to full time work. He quit his job to facilitate me doing this so that we would be better off long term. I had no maternity as was self employed but for stability returned to paid employment after the birth. We have 3dc.

The reality was that I still 'ran' the house for a good while as I was able to work a couple of days from home each week so he saw me as 'there' if that makes sense? I ended up travelling into work on my work at home days after the first 18mths to try to break this cycle.
We were having (unusual for us) rows about stupid little things like the dishwasher. All bills, paperwork, child related stuff (dr/plays/trips/dinner money/etc) I still do now as stepping back and letting him find his way led to missed appointments and non payments and such over the six months that he was doing these.

Now it is time to get a job (as agreed) as ds starts school in September. He was not enthralled by this idea but we filled in applications and he had an interview last week. He didn't get the job but when his feedback email came through it said that he was 'not enthusiastic enough about working at and seemed disengaged with the interview process'.

AIBU to be a bit livid that he is trying to renege on our deal by not being the charming, well educated and lovely self at interview so as to avoid going back to work or should I cut him some slack (and pick up the slack myself) while he re-acclimatises into the job market?

I'm with SaggyNaggy. But also agree with VioletBam that you can't judge on one interview alone - wait to see if there's a pattern.

Is he a grown man or do you live somewhere that marrying 12-year-olds is legal? Tell him to grow up. Not enthralled with getting a job? Seriously, he is behaving like a spoiled child and you are indulging him. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you've bagged yourself an immature, lazy waste of space.

I really, really wouldn't place more emphasis on the opinion of someone who you don't know, who met your husband for an hour or so ( I am guessing) than your own husband's.

You are assuming that the interviewers interviewed him well, appropriately and were fair in their evaluation of him. You are also assuming they hadn't already made a decision to hire someone else and needed to come up with a reason he can't sue them for.

Here are some bullshit reasons I have had for being turned down for a job after interview (all different companies):

'We don't want you to have to move to take this job'
My decision surely? And I had just finished uni so was obviously open to moving for a job.

'This job is too convenient for you as it is in your home town'
That particuarly stung considering the above reason, I got told them both in the same week.

'We think you will leave this job as soon as something better comes along'
Perhaps, but it was at the beginning of the last recession in a hard hit industry.

'We forgot we had given you the job and gave it to someone else'
This happened during a restructure. Honestly.

Moral of the story: their opinion isn't gospel.

Plus, the OP mentions that the DS was in plays, doing trips and needing dinner money - all of which suggests that the DS was in some form of childcare for at least part of the week.

If I'm right, and DS was in nursery at least PT - why wasn't the DH doing the home admin then? And some of the cleaning.

Personally, when I was a sahm I took the majority of the housework on. I wanted the evenings an weekends to do things as a family, not catching up on housework. Although dh always bits of house work and definitley did as much as he could with the kids, he did far less than me.

The whole point was so that we had more family time. In our relationship the sahp was expected to keep up to the house.

When dh was a sahd he was the same. Did most of the admin/appointments/ housework.

I am on the fence with this. You sound like you were doing an awful lot even though he was a sahp.

Either

You both had different expectations of what one of you being a sahp was

Or

He wasn't coping

Or

He saw being nice a sahp as just a way to not work.

Or

You are a bit of a control freak and didn't want to pass responsibility to him.

I think you need to give him a break on the interview. It was hard going back to work. I was nervous wreck at my first interview. I think you are being harsh.

You shouldn't have to be organising and helping him apply for jobs. Is this because you know that off you don't, he won't bother. Or because (again) you need to be in control?

He sounds lazy to me, Op. I've been a SAHM for 4 years and will go back to work (well, retrain, uni course all booked and paid for) in September when DC1 enters reception. Over the last couple of years, I've been extremely proactive at getting experience in the field I want to go into, volunteering regularly and so on each week ready for this time. I've also worked finances so we can afford for DC2 (age 3) to be in nursery full days. I don't want my DH to be the only earner outside the home, he wants me to have a life that extends beyond the home and I want my DC to have strong role models - i.e. both mum and dad can have a career. Whilst I have been a SAHM, I've done all household admin, Xmas presents, birthday presents, bill paying, finances, organized work on the house etc. We have a cleaner once a month to blitz the house but I keep it acceptable (as much as one can with two small people) in the meantime. I fail to see how your DP couldn't manage Dr's appts and so on - that is really really lazy, IMO. You might want to take a look at the Incompetent Husband thread and the idea of strategic incompetence...

A little bit on the fence here as we were in the same position as you but are now several years down the line. DH went back to work part time and is now applying for full time roles as DCs are a fair bit older than yours.

I dont think that your DP should be dropping the domestic ball while he is applying for jobs. What slack does he need to be cut domestically? Yes, applying for jobs takes a little bit of time to research roles, fill out the form, attend interview. That time you should be picking up but any sort or spiritual preparedness can be done while he does domestic chores.

Talk with him about his interview prep. Did you discuss types of questions and suitable answers? Did he research the company on line?

It could be that he was simply nervous as this was his first interview for a while.

There's an awful lot of reading between the lines going on on this thread.

I'm with Snaggy Would you really think that if the role were reversed, it would acceptable for a SAHM to forget to pay bills, take her DC to the GP etc...?

I also read the feedback on the interview as him not really wanting the job, esp in the light of him not really wanting to go back to work.

So yes, he needs to pull his socks up really. Actually he should have done that a long time ago and you have enable him far too long.

There are 3 children.

even if you are right to suspect that this is the last in a long line of lazy g1ttedness on his part, you need a bit more evidence. I'd be inclined to be super supportive and say that it's obvious he'd have had that job if he'd presented himself more enthusiastically and that's a plus point. DH could've hidden the feedback from you if he was deliberately torpedoing. OTOH, if this is the last in a long line of him making your life harder, you know what to do...

All I can comment on is my experience as a SAHD. We work it like this:

My GF work hours, say 30 a week. I put in 30 hours a week at home.
2 hours to hoover (20 mins a day)
7 hours to cook meals (hour a night)
2 hours to dust (20 mons a day)
2 hours school run (20minutes a day, 10mins each time)/
1 hour to meal plan
1 hour to order food
8 hours for a couple of outings for DD.

That's 23 hours in my week. Which leaves 7 hours of my time left to use and I've still got everything done.

If OP works full time, 40 hours, and her OH isn't getting everything done in those 40 hours but he's ing his best then that's fine, they should split whatever is left 50/50.

If, however, he's not getting done because he forgets, or is lazy or wants to watch the golf instead or whatever. Then how is it fair that op has to pick up the slack? Why should he get a free pass to be a lazy arse? Its totally unfair on the OP and he should get a job instead.

Now if he's purposefully sabotaging interviews so that he can continue doing far less than op, how is that fair? Why should he get any slack? OP doesn't get any slcak? Seem unbalanced to me.

It's not inconceivable that after 4 years out of working life, he's just out of practice. What makes you think he's deliberately sabotaging? I'm notoriously shit at interviews and thankfully didn't need one for my current role as I was already doing the job on secondment. I've been told that my passion doesn't always come through, but my personality is quite reserved until I get to know people. Hence, I thrive in and am good at what I do professionally but remain quite shit at interviews.

I do agree though that if dh was a sahp I'd expect him to do all the admin.

AIBU to be a bit livid that he is trying to renege on our deal by not being the charming, well educated and lovely self at interview so as to avoid going back to work or should I cut him some slack (and pick up the slack myself) while he re-acclimatises into the job market?

OP, you sound like you're seething with resentment and contempt for this guy. I feel sorry for him. Er yes, it is unreasonable to be 'livid' with a partner because they've underperformed in an interview . As for his underperformance as a housekeeper -- have you looked into why this is? Sounds like looking after 3 kids is going to be quite a lot of work and he let it get on top of him.

If this is the first interview then cut him some slack, as others have said he could have lost confidence after being at home for 4 years. You should be nothing other than sympathetic that he didn't get the job this time round. Encourage him and help him with interview techniques as his partner.
If it becomes a pattern then obviously you'll need a frank talk about what's going on with him.

If this post was reversed and a male breadwinner was complaining about his incompetent, disorganised wife who couldn't run a house properly without his intervention and was trying to duck out of returning to paid work I think we would be getting some very different responses.

I agree Liinoo.

SaggyNaggy - how many children do you have and what ages?

I think most people are missing that the OP has three children! That's more than a full time job. I think people are being very harsh regarding the OP's DH.

I'm with liiinoo, imagine the outrage of roles were reversed!!

Yes there are three kids. I am aware.

But as the Youngest starts school this year the other two have been in school at least a year. You can't assume all three have been at home the whole time either.

Saggynaggy - that can't be all you do.

The home issues and interview issue are 2 seperate things.

If he isn't doing what he needs to at home, then you need to have a talk and find out why this is, and set expectations from each side.

The interview - frankly, I find that odd feedback, but as PP have said, it is his first interview in at least 4 years, so cannot be judged too harshly.

If this post was reversed and a male breadwinner was complaining about his incompetent, disorganised wife who couldn't run a house properly without his intervention and was trying to duck out of returning to paid work I think we would be getting some very different responses

Exactly. I have seen it.. Everyone up in arms about how difficult it is to look after children and get everything done and how the full time working father should be doing lots more.

I can also see the outrage if a man came on here saying that his DW is a SAHM but is seemingly unable to take the DC to the GP, think about the school trips and forgets bills (when these are her responsibility to sort out).

Yes 3 dcs is a lot but I also don't see men coming at the rescue to a SAHM with 3 dcs. It seems that sorting yourself out to manage is squarely on the SAHM shoulders so why not the SAHD?
I say that as someone who has been a SAHM with several dcs not at school at the same time too

There is a lot of gap filling by posters, I had to retread the OP as I thought I'd missed stuff.

On the admin side, if my DH became a SAHD he'd also be rubbish at this, he would try but miss a lot. It's about his personality and priorities. He also doesn't prioritise housework or tidying after himself/kids after he's done an activity with them at the weekend. More time with the kids = more mess. He's not an arsehole he just doesn't think it's important and finds being organised difficult (possible ADHD as DD is awaiting assessment).

On the job side - I'm in a similar situation, six years at home and confidence is rock bottom. I'm aiming for a particular career and plan to take my time to find the right role (I've volunteered and passed exams). If a job turned out to be unsuitable I would find it difficult to act enthusiastic, I'd be furious if DH wrote the above post - I've given up my career for the benefit of our family, including financial benefit and allowing DH to work without considering childcare, he can work late, network in the evenings and doesn't have to think about school runs or time off for sick children. I do pick up the admin but he has to do more housework than usual due to my mobility issues.

However the OP needs to fill us in more about whether the job was something her DH would be keen on or if he's being forced out to earn in any old job etc.

the housework/admin and the interview are separate issues and need to have separate conversations.

1. The housework/admin - you both need to talk through your expectations and agree as to who will do what - until he works he should take on most of the admin and cleaning but it doesn't have to be continuously to your standard and you should probably accept that sometimes other stuff will come up. Ask him what he feels he's able to achieve and why not more if he still needs your help?

1. The interview - you have to talk together about this job, how he feels about it, the necessity of him working etc and how he felt he did in it, whether he feels the feedback was justified etc.

You know him best - may his nerves have made him appear flat and unenthusiastic? Is he nervous about working again? Or is he being a twat?

Hmmm perhaps IABU?

I'm not a control freak, however. Far from it. If there is a bit of a mess or whatever, I'm not jumping about getting stressed. I'm more a 'mindfulness app and glass of wine' kind of person. I stepped back to allow DP to find his groove and only stepped in again when he was struggling to cope/shit wasn't getting done.

I do think that he has had a long time to get used to the idea of going back to work as we agreed this from the start. It's not like I've suddenly demanded he get a job this week!

Also, I have been a SAHM and absolutely did expect him to do more than basic childcare. I did expect that he would be able to do some of the bills and take Dc to the dr etc. Because that's what I did. Do most SAHP do nothing but tend to their Dc?! I do not nor did not expect him to do it ALL.

He isn't hard done to- he gets lots of downtime and I do appreciate him but I would just like to feel like part of a team. He is a lovely guy and a fantastic and caring father. I don't hate him, resent him or wish him ill and it's hard to convey my exasperation in a post!

I'm probably going to be told that this is my fault but I've honestly tried to strike a balance from the start and I do not resent having to do 'stuff' at all. I would just have liked a fairer division of labour and for him to put some effort into finding work.

He ASKED me to help him with the applications. I must admit I didn't really want to but thought it was supportive to do so. Should I not have done? I would do so again, if he asked me.

I usually work 2 14hr days or 3 9hr days plus 2 admin days that I have the option of doing at home. Per week. The DC are 15, 12 and the 'surprise baby' is 4. He is at nursery 5 mornings but there is no school pick up for the other two as they make their own way. The elder two are really good with helping out and don't particularly make much mess or get into trouble tbf but they are teenager-y

I have the opportunity to take on a more admin based role due to natural career progression which would make me less knackered perhaps. We could afford to carry on as we are but I would like more disposable income so we can do more as a family. This was our JOINT plan.

The job he applied for was 24hrs a week and ds will go full time from the off. The days I work each week are flexible so I could take admin days Tues and Fri one week or Thurs and Fri another for example so not worried about being there for the kids when he gets a job. I just feel like perhaps he does not really want to return to work based on more than just the feedback but his attitude too.

We just won't have as many 'treats'.