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AIBU?

To think my friend should have believed me?

35 replies

FriendDilema · 14/07/2016 21:05

Long story so bear with me

A couple of years ago I had a party, drank way too much, the usual story. I ended up very drunk, collapsed on the floor, being sick and my partner had to carry me to bed with the help of my friend's partner, lets call him Bob.

Anyway my partner left me, with Bob watching me, while they got a sick bowl and glass of water. Returned to find that Bob had removed my bra and was groping me and sucking my breasts, I was asleep.

An argument occurred, Bob apologised and left and it was never mentioned again. I was told the story in the morning and had no knowledge of what had happened.

Fast forward a few years and I've struggled with anxiety since, have been avoiding this friend, attempted suicide, can't stop blaming myself and questioning if I led him on etc.

I decided to tell my friend what happened, as they had been asking why I don't come out anymore etc.

Now my friend has blocked me on facebook, is completely blanking me and I have to watch her happy and laughing (they live close) with the man who assaulted me. I feel like once again I'm the one being punished and suffering for what he did.

AIBU to think she should have believed me? She knew there had been an argument that night, she knew the relationship had been strained since, she had to suspect something.

OP posts:

Report

FriendDilema · 16/07/2016 08:22

Thank you everyone, it's really helpful. My partner was shocked yes but isn't a violent person anyway, was also pretty drunk at the time and not thinking straight and was very good friends with Bob so probably didn't know how to act.

i really really want to move and have been trying to for years, unfortunately it's not financially possible. We have a council house so subsidised rent and can't afford market rates in the area at all so we're stuck here. I know they are in a similar situation from previous discussions so feels like there is no getting away from it.

To those saying report, I can't face going through all that for their to not be enough evidence. I can't remember a thing, I still can't except a vague memory of something he said to me. My partner would be the only person giving evidence.

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 15/07/2016 10:36

As someone else has said its not too late to report it to the police if that's a route that you choose. I'm sure that deep down your friend knows that you are not lying but cannot acknowledge that because she would then have to admit that a person she loves & has chosen to be with is capable of this kind of assault. I would expect that he told her that you came onto him and your DH has misconstrued what he saw. That's much easier for her to believe and hence her reason for cutting you off. It may be that she would have believed that even if she had caught him herself. Unfortunately some women have been complicit with all types horrible abuse to friends/children over the years etc rather than face what may be going on in their own homes. I hope you can find a way to move forward from this. It may be that the scales will fall from your friends eyes and she comes to apologise to you at a later date - but I wouldn't hold my breath. There is counselling available to help if you think it would be beneficial.

AdjustableWench · 14/07/2016 23:16

I believe you.

Unfortunately people just don't want to believe their partner is capable of such a horrific act. There's a similar phenomenon when children report sexual abuse by their fathers - their own mothers often don't believe them.

It's shit.

defineme · 14/07/2016 23:14

You never know what's happening behind their front door op. I am so sorry for what happened to you. It made me think of a friend who has just revealed that her seemingly perfect marriage is actually a living nightmare of abuse...he may well be abusing her too. Doesn't make her not believing you right, just an explanation. Is there anyway you can move op?this is ruining your life

VestalVirgin · 14/07/2016 23:11

She should have believed you.

Though I cannot understand why this did not end in violence. I would be furious if I saw some guy sexually assault a friend of mine.

Being shocked makes people act in strange ways, though.

Lostinmaui · 14/07/2016 23:05

It's chilling how often this kind of thing happens. I think it happened to me when I was about 18 - I took a sip of drink then passed out. Next thing I know I'm in a male "friend's" bed and feeling sure something happened but because I couldn't remember there was nothing I could do.

Stay strong and please report. I regret not doing so all those years ago. But you have your DH as witness which has got to be worth a lot.

GarlicStake · 14/07/2016 22:58

I believe you, too. What a revolting creep. I agree with reporting it, mainly because of the 'background evidence' thing.

It's horrid for you that they live opposite!

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp · 14/07/2016 22:50

I believe you too.

Sending my support xxx

Mummyme1987 · 14/07/2016 22:34

Even if it has been too long to prosecute, if he does anything else it's background info

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2016 22:34

I'd bet she does believe you, but is choosing to keep her current life as that's easiest for her. So you become the sacrificial lamb, unfortunately.

The 'draping herself' is partially to hurt you for 'disrupting' her perfect life and partially to convince herself that you are a liar.

I believe you. All you can do is learn to feel sorry for her because eventually something will happen that she won't be able to ignore.

Mummyme1987 · 14/07/2016 22:33

It is still not too late to report it to police xxxx

AdoraBell · 14/07/2016 22:22

I'm sorry this happened to you. If it were me I would want to move. Is that an option for you? Something similar happened to me when I slept at a friend's after a party. I wouldn't want to live opposite the pig that did it.

for you, and yes she should have believed you.

LockedOutOfMN · 14/07/2016 22:21

Yes, she should have believed you. Please surround yourself with friends and professionals who can give you the support you deserve. What a horrible thing to happen to you.

rainytea · 14/07/2016 22:18

I'd bet she believes you, or part of her does, but she doesn't want to because of what others here have said and so she's over compensating.

Don't worry about her though (hard when she's opposite, I know!). Focus on what you need, not on what she's doing, because that's not going to make you feel better.

I believe you too.

littlemissneela · 14/07/2016 22:17

I believe you, and its such a shame your friend didn't

I had a similar thing happen to me many years ago. I was asleep with a bf in a bed at a friends house, after a party. I had all my clothes on, including thick tights. I remember waking in the night with what I thought was my bf caressing my inside thigh. Except he was right over the other side of the bed! I went so cold when I realised this, and still do just thinking about it. It happened another two times, before I tried to grab hold of the person, but I was quite drunk, even though I sobered up quite a bit at this point, and my hands werent working properly, so he escaped. I searched around the house, but couldn't see or hear anyone who was awake.
I told my best friend in the morning, and my bf, but I could tell they didn't really believe me. I do understand why, sort of, as the person who did this would have been one of our friends.
I took me a long time, and I mean many years to stop having cold sweats about it at night.

I don't know what to suggest to you regarding your friend. It sounds like she has made her choice, and it might be best to just move on with your life.

cozietoesie · 14/07/2016 22:16

What was/is your partner's view of the situation?

mommy2ash · 14/07/2016 22:13

I'm so sorry this happened to you. From your friends point of view this supposedly happened years ago and she is only being told now after years of being with this guy. She probably thinks you are just out to cause trouble or you would have told her years ago.

I would separate you dealing with what happened and your friends reaction. Tiny need to get over this for you and nobody else.

FriendDilema · 14/07/2016 22:12

Yes my partner came in to find Bob doing that. Bob jumped up and ran out apologising, there was a big argument. All the neighbours are well aware something happened as they all witnessed the argument. She knew they argued as everyone told her. They live opposite me yes.

I don't know why I didn't report it, I suppose I didn't think I'd be believed or thought it was my fault for being so drunk. It took years to get the courage to tell her, now I wonder why I bothered.

OP posts:

Tabsicle · 14/07/2016 22:02

I'm so sorry. I had something similar happen to me - I was assaulted by an alleged friend while unconscious. His DW found out, blamed me, accused me of trying to seduce her DH, and lying about it.

If I'm being charitable I guess it's easier for her to do that than accept she's with a total bastard but it hurt like hell. So much sympathy. Just remember it wasn't your fault and she is in the wrong.

Bin50 · 14/07/2016 22:01

If you've only told her about it recently then my first instinct would be that she isn't trying to taunt you, but that she's feeling insecure and wondering why he felt the need to 'stray' (for want of a better term).

It can't be easy for you in that situation - there are parallels there with my own, but I don't want to go into further details on a public forum - but please believe me when I say you'll eventually learn to cope with it and will feel all the stronger for doing so.

BastardGoDarkly · 14/07/2016 22:00

They live opposite?!

whois · 14/07/2016 21:59

So your partner came back to find bob sucking on your brests and nothign more was ever said about it? Like, you never went to the police about it? your partner didn't lamp him one to get him off you?

She should have belived you, but TBH after all this time why woudl she when she is still with him and loves him?

RubbleBubble00 · 14/07/2016 21:56

Unfortunately she's chosen her partner over you. It's been years making it easy for her to minimise even if she is suspicious. If she takes your side she has to pull apart her life as it is, much easier for her to believe her partner.

GwendolynPost · 14/07/2016 21:51

I believe you.
Something similar happened when I was a teenager except I didn't know the identity of the perpetrator (Although I've always had a strong suspicion).

Nobody believed me and I've never even told DH about it.

She is not your friend.

FriendDilema · 14/07/2016 21:46

Thank you. I understand the whole he is the person she loves etc. But I've known her way longer then the relationship.

She knows I'm not a liar, she knows I would never deliberately hurt her. And yet now it feels like she's taunting me. We live very close, as in I can see her house from mine, and she's spent all day draped all over him in the front garden, almost like she's trying to rub it in. I just want to run away.

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