Aibu to or let DD out to play?

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

DD1 is 5 and started primary school last summer, she is a Feb birthday and so is youngest in her class, 2 years younger than the oldest child. We live in a small village but have 2 schools which share a campus one Catholic and one non denominational. DD goes to the catholic school which is tiny the other school is huge. Anyway, not much relevance there but these facts are needed.
Ever since DD started school a group of older girls (about 8 years old, some younger ones) have been coming to the door and asking her out to play. They seem nice enough and are from our street and the neighbouring street but we don't know them/their parents at all and aren't at DD's school. These children are allowed to go wherever and do whatever they like and their parents never know where they are. A good example of this is I allowed one to come in and play one Friday afternoon at about 4 and eventually we had to ask her to leave about 8 as we were going to get DD's ready for bed. I'd be worried sick if my child had been away for all that time and I didn't have a clue where they were! Since then that girl has came back with her little brother (about 3/4 years old) and in groups of other girls around her age. I haven't let them back into my house though as I don't want to have them in here all the time especially when I don't know them! We live in a cauldisac and can't see the street from our house so I'm reluctant to let DD out to play as I wouldn't know where she was or who she was with on top of the fact she doesn't have any road sense really, it's a busy cauldisac with lots of turning vehicles, and I think she's a bit young to be playing out unsupervised. They only way I could watch her would be to stand out in the car park like a loony. They come to the house at least twice a week and at first I made excuses like we're going out or having dinner etc so DD couldn't come out but now I just don't answer the door. They knock for ages and one has even tried the door one evening! One came to the door for DD at 9pm last Friday night, DH answered the door to her and said it was very late and she should maybe go home. I was just like at a child still being out at that time and coming to basically a strangers door! We come from an area where there are a lot of what you'd probably call deprived families mostly with parents not working, taking drugs, drinking etc so I know a lot of these children don't have great home lives which is another reason I don't want DD out with them, she doesn't need exposed to that and I fear for her safety. So AIBU to not let DD out to play with these kids? Am I being snobby? DD gets so upset as she really wants out to play but I just feel it's so unsafe and DH doesn't trust the kids. He thinks they're going to take DD away and do something to her. I feel rotten though as I could be stopping DD making friends and possibly opening the door to her being bullied when she's older by them for being stuck up. Having children is so hard sometimes .

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

Thanks Nicki you're right. I think a lot of people have been pretty harsh about him. At the end of the day it's his 5 year old DD and he doesn't feel right about it.

[EarthboundMisfit]

Your DH is unreasonable. However, 5 is without question too young to play out without an adult imo.

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

I don't think the parents would've bothered bingo. They don't have a clue where she is most of the time anyway. At least for the few hours she was here she was definitely safe. This is the same girl that came to the door at 9pm. My DD was in bed. I know what you mean about asking her in though and wouldn't do it again. She turned up the next day in the pouring rain with her little brother (he's 3 or 4) but I said we were going out as I didn't want them both in. They don't live in our street either FWIW they live in the next street along. So many mixed opinions here but glad most seem to think like me and I'm not off my head.

[NickiFury]

I don't think your husband is ridiculous or anything else that's been said about him on this thread. I think he feels uncomfortable about it and is struggling to properly articulate why. But his gut is saying no.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I think 5 is a bit young to be playing out of sight. I let my eldest when she was around 6 but she is very sensible and knew to come and ask first if she wanted to go into someones house/garden. I wouldn't have a child in my house if the parents didn't know about it tbh so I think ywu to do that.
Why not introduce yourself to the parents and invite the chidren over to play at your house/in your garden? Then your dd can have some playmates and be supervised.
For the record I don't find the childrens interest in your dd sinister. Where we live all the children in the street play together from about age 4 to about age 10 and it was the same when I was younger.

[buddy79]

Yanbu. Maybe it's different in different towns but I would not even consider letting a 5yr old play out in streets out of sight with older children. She's too young and 8/9 pm is much too late. I used to play out at 8/9 yrs but on light early evenings with the girls next door who were the same age that my parents knew well, and only ever in our street. This is a completely different scenario. Could you maybe ask one of the girls if you can speak to their parents and invite one or two over for a defined time one evening? just explain that your daughter is younger and too young to be out that late, but they're welcome to play at your home?

[WordGetsAround]

I wouldn't let her play out.

I don't think your DH is a knob.

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

He wouldn't think that of all children maybe it's because they just started coming to the door for her even though they don't know her so he's a bit wary of that. I don't think that's bonkers or illogical I can totally see where he's coming from. I wish we could see out into the street so I could let her okay with them whilst i watched as I really wouldn't mind that. If anything was happening I could intervene. I know what you mean if you had that attitude to everything you'd never let your kids out. Luckily I know the kids she's at school with and their parents so when she's a little older and able to go out to play it'll most likely be with school friends and I'll be happy knowing she's pretty safe.

[Maybebabybee]

Your dh is probably thinking of the Sarah Payne case, Jamie Bulger, the Edlington boys, or the April Jones.

I'm sorry but if you think like this you'll literally never let your kids go anywhere or do anything. Statistically the odds of something so horrific happening to them are almost nil. They are far, far more likely to be hurt or killed in a car accident or accident at home.

To reiterate - I think it is perfectly reasonable of you not to let your DD play out with these children. But I think your DH's reasons are bonkers and illogical.

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

That is what DH thinks painted and it's such an awful thing to think but it does happen and their insistence does make you wonder. I feel sorry for them a lot of the time as it'll be outing with rain and they'll be at my door, I don't think their parents want them around, but I can't have them all in my house especially as I don't know them. The one little girl I let in to play asked DD to show her mine and DH's bedroom and then was asking her all sorts of questions about if we slept in there together, could've been her being curious but I thought it was strange. I could hear her in the baby monitor. I'm glad most people do agree with me now though. I was starting to wonder if I was nuts with some of the responses I'd had.

[Paintedhandprints]

I wouldn't either. Why do they want your dd so badly? I'd nip this in the bud now too. It sounds annoying if nothing else. They are too old and your dd too young. They probably want her to be a dolly for them but I can imagine how quickly they may tire of her and potentially gang up on her or abandon her somewhere.
Your dh is probably thinking of the Sarah Payne case, Jamie Bulger, the Edlington boys, or the April Jones. That and increased traffic is why less kids are allowed to play out unsupervised these days. I say this as someone who was allowed to play out in our cul-de-sac from age 4...

[NellysKnickers]

Trust your instincts. My 5 year old wouldn't be playing out under those circumstances either.

[Magstermay]

YANBU, I would find it strange older children who don't know your DD suddenly calling for her.

i don't think you are BU as to what their 'intentions' are - our next door neighbours girls were older than me when I was growing up and I remember them 'inviting' me round where they would make me hold their dogs lead while they threw a ball for it and inevitably I went flying and it dragged me along the ground. They and their friends thought it was highly amusing but I was too young to stand up for myself and genuinely thought they wanted to be friends. FWIW this wasn't a rough area!

[Natsku]

Its not unreasonable to not let her out to play when you can't see her and you don't feel comfortable with her being out unsupervised. I let my DD (also 5) play out where I can't see but I'm comfortable with the area I live, I know all the children and I know most of the parents (well know them to say hi to and know they'll send her home if there's a problem).

Your DH on the other hand is being a bit unreasonable - what an odd assumption to make. I have children knocking on my door and at all times of the day and until around 8 in the evening, and wouldn't think they would want to do something bad to DD, they just want to play! And DD would be knocking on the neighbours' doors at 9pm or later if I let her.

[Choceeclair123]

Personally I wouldn't I think she's too young. You're her mum, do what you feel is right, trust your instincts.

[NickiFury]

I wouldn't let my 5 year old, no chance.

And I wouldn't take any notice of those who are ridiculing and dismissing your concerns with such glee on here either. MN often exhibit of this kind of competitive "let kids roam free far and wide" sentimental attitude that I just don't see in RL. I was pretty much left to it as a child from a that age onwards and some rather unpleasant stuff happened to me and we did some dangerous stuff that I shudder to think of my own kids doing.

It's highly unlikely those children would hurt yours but I just wouldn't feel comfortable handing my much younger child over to them and it's completely fine to feel that way, it really is.

[Onedayinthesun]

OP if you and your DH have reservations then trust your instinct, your DD is only 5 yrs old!! - no I wouldn't let her go out with kids I didn't know, into houses I didn't know the adults or think it was ok for 8 year olds to knock the door at 9pm.

[dodobookends]

Crikey, what kind of a village do you live in - is it called 'Midsomer' something?

Since most of these kids seem to live in the same street as you, perhaps you could pop round and meet the parents of these children, say hello, and get to know them a bit.

[Gottagetmoving]

You don't want your DD to play out with these children, so dont let her.
You dont know them, they dont know her andthey are older than your DD.
YANBU under the circumstances you describe. Arrange play dates with children her own age.
I let my DD play out when she was 5 with two girls who were older. We lived in a 3rd floor Flat with a secure playing area outside. I watched from the window and saw them hitting her. I had to run downstairs to stop them.. At 5 she wasn't able to stand up for herself against two older girls.
It was horrible that her first experience of playing out ended like that.

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

Also I should confirm when I said in my OP I fear for DD's safety I dint mean girl these children. I mean if she was to go out with them and possibly into one of their houses I don't know what or who she may be exposed to there. Like I said a lot of these children don't have great home lives and k don't know what kind of people may be in their homes or what she might see that she doesn't need to be seeing.

[SecretlycrushingonTomHanks]

Not slag off the other parents but everyone on here seems to be glossing over what I've said about the situation. Having a child here that knows DD, whose parents know they're here and the parents know us wouldn't be a problem it's the holidays and I'd allow that but really a child coming to a strangers door at 9pm? Thank you will concern was really starting to think I was going mad. And dustarr73 thanks, I wouldn't be able to garuntee she'd stay off the road, it wouldn't really be possible in our street anyway.

[willconcern]

And I would also be surprised if a child knocked on my door at 9pm.

[willconcern]

I think you're getting a hard time. In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't let my 5 year old out. Why are 8/9 year olds wanting to play with a 5 year old they don't know anyway? I find that a bit odd. I have 2 DSs & the only children who knock for them to play are children they know, either from school or from being neighbours. DS2 is 9 & he's only been allowed to go to the park with his friends in the last few months. 5 is far too young.

So yanbu.

FWIW I understand your concerns about your DD being exposed to drug problems etc. To be worried about that isn't being a snob, it's being concerned for your child's welfare.

[dustarr73]

I have an 8,6 and 5 year old.They play out but the 6 and 5 year old wouldnt be allowed to go where the 8 year old goes.So in that case i wouldnt let a 5 year old play with older kids.Unless you instruct your dc not to go off the road.