To go on holiday without DS and not tell him about it...

[longer6528]

DS is 11. He is doing a sports camp in the summer holidays, where they stay there for the week (sleep there and everything) as its intense training for tennis.

Anyway, we have found a nice holiday that we fancy. Would it be really bad if we went without him and just never told him? He'd know no difference, as he wouldn't have been here anyway!

[Magstermay]

Either go and tell him, or go on holiday later with him. I wouldn't go and not tell him, he'll find out sometime and that will be much worse.

[WannaBe]

Nothing wrong with going on holiday while he's away, although TBH I probably wouldn't go abroad.

But everything wrong with lying about it.

TBH though I have been away when DS was on a school trip, and I was actually working - it wasn't a jolly as such, and I felt guilty that if he had needed to come home I was further away than I would have been otherwise. He didn't need to come home obviously and all was well, but still...

Have been away for a couple of days when DS has been with eXH though, but would never dream of not telling DS that I had gone somewhere.

[Iwantacampervan]

If you do go and you are away from the area then please change your emergency contacts and ensure that they know they are on 'stand by' in the very unlikely event of an accident/emergency. (We've had interesting experiences when ringing from Scout camps).

[LordoftheTits]

My parents did this to me and I found out. I was a bit older (just turned 15) and they forced me to go on a school trip to France that all of my friends had dropped out of, and then they scurried off to Spain with my brother while I was gone. Little brother spilled the beans in the end

[KitKat1985]

I'd also echo previous posters here.
Firstly, if there's an emergency, (or even if he just decides to phone home!) how are you going to suddenly explain being out of the country / not being home?
Secondly, are you really going to be able to hide a tan and holiday photos from him when he gets back?
Thirdly, I think he's old enough to understand that he can't have everything, and that he's already having an expensive holiday (of sorts) of his own whilst you are away.
I think you just need to tell him.

[Celticlassie]

Can you go though? Do you not have to be available for him in case he's not well (or badly behaved) and has to come home? And the same with the pp who was going to go on holiday when their DC was on a school trip.

[Whathaveilost]

Can you go though? Do you not have to be available for him in case he's not well (or badly behaved) and has to come home? And the same with the pp who was going to go on holiday when their DC was on a school trip.

It doesn't have to be the mother who picks up.As long as everything is covered in the emergency contacts what is the problem?

[SlimCheesy2]

My parents always went on holiday when I did music camp. They did tell me though. Think about it - you will have to tell the people in charge you are not actually around and change emergency contacts. What if they spill the beans accidentally- you can't ask them to lie for you either.

Just tell him. Not least because it means he can't ring you either.

It's not that hard surely to just tell the truth?

[noramum]

We always plan something when DD is away, even if it just one night at Brownie camp. She knows we do things unsuitable for her or something she is not interested in.

But why not tell him? Unless you never treat him for a family holiday I can't really see a problem that he will complain.

As long as you can be at the camp in a reasonable time in case something happens or you have somebody appointed for any emergency.

[starry0ne]

I went away over night this weekend.. .My DS was on a huge cub camp.. I didn't tell him before I went...I did give cub leader emergency contact of someone else as I was a couple of hours away...
I have told him when we came back... He (9) told me I didn't need to go so far away... I told him he was doing his thing and I was doing mine..It is important that my DS knows I have my own life.

I would tell your Ds...You don't have to go into huge details..We will be away..However you do need to consider the back up... Do you have grandparents. Are you going to be able to get back if really needed.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

It sounds as if he'd rather be on holiday with you than at camp. Was the camp his choice? If he wasn't really, really keen on going himself, or if there are any other dc you'd be taking with you, YWBVU to go. YWBVU to lie in any case.

[NotCitrus]

Tell him! Especially about all the boring museums that you and DP are looking forward to going to, the restaurants where you can eat lots of his least favourite food, the saunas and spas that don't let kids in, and generally how you are looking forward to being couply for a few days. I do it with my kids all the time!

And reassure him about emergency contacts, just in case.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

it just strikes me as childish in the extreme to keep it secret from him because he might be upset! Isn't this just the behaviour you wouldn't want from him (in a couple of years time, anyway)? E.g. I'm going out drinking with my mates, but I'll tell mum I'm going to the library to study because she wouldn't let me go.

Be a good example FFS, either do it and take the consequences or don't do it and take those consequences. Like a grown up

[EverythingWillBeFine]

OK let's see what can happen if you tell him.

• he can be upset and wanting to go with you instead
  
• he can ask you to go later when he has finished his week at camp (Is that a possibility?)
  

But if you don't tell him what can happen is:

• he is blissfully unaware that you have gone away (unlikely as you will tell other family members about it, mention it to xx/the camp organisers etc )
  
• he will learn about it and see it as a sign that you just didn't want him there - HUGE rejection
  
• you feel extremely bad that you have lied to him
  
• you feel extremely bad at his reaction - imagine how you would feel if your DH had gone away on a fancy trip, not only wo you but had also concealed the trip and avoided telling yu about it.... - because you will know how deeply you have hurt him.
  

Is that really worth it?

[WreckingBallsInsideMyHead]

You would be extremely unreasonable to lie

Ywnbu to go away but make sure you leave an emergency contact who will be there and able to collect him if required and that he knows who this is and is happy with it

Better a disappointed child briefly than a child who finds out accidentally and feels totally betrayed by his own patents

[BadToTheBone]

I used to go away most summers on sports camps, my parents would sometimes go away themselves too. Never bothered me in the slightest.

I think so long as you take him away other times he'd be fine with it.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

What if something happened to him while you were away - broken leg or sick?

[19lottie82]

lionheart....... I'm guessing they could catch a plane home and be back within 24 hours at the absolute maximum (if it's a long haul trip), most likely a lot less. Not a big deal.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Lottie it is a massive deal to the camp organisers, they'll have to find someone to supervise him out of their staff etc etc it's a massive ball ache! Just have a UK based emergency contact who can pick him up within a few hours. Be honest with him and enjoy yourselves!

[RhiWrites]

Why do you think he'd want to come, OP?

If it's something like Disneyland then it would be a bit unfair to go without him since he'd love it. But if it's s tour of Frebch Wineries he'd find it dullsville.

So it's a bit about the nature of the holiday and a bit how you spin it to him.

[WetPaint4]

I'm with the others here, lying's not the way to go.

It's really not a good way to encourage trust between you and your son for future years. Do you really want him throwing this at you when he's a teenager trying to hide parts of his life from you and you're trying to convince him that honesty is always the best policy? "Yeah whatever Mum, remember that time you went on holiday and tried to hide it from me?"

Also... he's the child. You're the adult. You don't want to be insensitive but you run the household and there'll be things he doesn't like but needs to deal with. Then, in thirty years, he can be the one telling his kid to suck it up and deal with it.

[5Foot5]

What sort of holiday is it and do you have any other DC you are taking?

If it is an adult sort of holiday doing the kinds of things that you can't do when you have children with you then YANBU to have the holiday but YABU not to tell him about it. Surely you could just say "Darling, while you are away Dad and I are going to XYZ which we know you find really boring so it is better we do it when you have something else to do."

If it is the sort of holiday a child would enjoy then
a) you are probably being a bit mean to do it without him, especially if other children are involved so, in that case, YABU.

b) why on earth are you wasting child-free time and the opportunity to do something more adult on a break that could be considered family friendly? For that YABU. Bit like going to McDonalds without kids.

So on balance I think YABU

[Onenerfwarfrombreakdown]

He would be upset and you would feel bad???

He's 11. Not 2. Time for him to realise that you are grownups with your own lives and can do stuff without him/his permission! And time for you to ACT like a grown up, explain it nicely to him, reassure him about contact etc and go have a lovely adult time!

[ThinkPinkStink]

As pp have mentioned - it's important the summer camp organisers know that you're not available and you nominate a person/people to step-in in your absence in case of emergency (imagine his horror at finding out you've gone away if he's sent home with an injury).

As pp have also mentioned - it's simply weird to lie to him about going away, and never mention the holiday or anything that happened on it again.

If it were me, I'd tell him that we were using the time he's away to have an adult holiday, where we can do stuff that we really enjoy, but that he'd find boring.

He might be a bit upset (no one likes being left out), but I'd imagine a NT 11 year old to 'get it' and move-on.

[Andrewofgg]

The organisers will insist on having a responsible adult reachable 24/7 - you must factor that in.