To think this is an obvious attempt at guilt tripping?

[Summersalmostgone]

Sorry another MIL related one!

MIL lives very far away and visits several times a year for 4-5 days at a time. She was last here 3 weeks ago. She is now asking DH to come back again next month. We don't have any free weekends. I've told DH this and explained what is in our diary.

MIL cannot accompany us to any of the events we have booked in, and I don't really want to go and leave her at home. 1- because DH will be clock watching the entire time wanting to get back. This will make us all on edge and mean the kids won't enjoy the things we have booked. 2- Since DH is at work for all but 2 of the days she will be here I don't see the point in her coming if he is only going to really see much of her on one day.

Anyway during our conversation where I was explaining why I don't think next month will work DH brought up that I had once said I wished I spent more time with my deceased parent while they were still alive.

AIBU or was that unfair? I feel like it was an attempt to make me feel guilty but he denies it.

FYI I saw my deceased parent once a year for a couple of hours so it's hardly the same.

[Lymmmummy]

2 separate related issues - yes do think DH hitting below the belt with this - but how long are you going to let DH and MIL be the only ones allowed a view on when she can come?

I can see your irritation that people responding are focusing on the solution to the issue rather than acknowledging your right to be annoyed with DH - he also seems a bit like my DH was - keen to defend MIL but never quite that bothered that he was prepared to make the effort required to visit her or go to the bulk of the effort when she visited us - expected this to fall to me as the woman

But truthfully you need to be looking for solutions or you will have to likely endure same situation again and again -mine was to make DH more responsible for MIL

Yes you say MIL is busy - but so are you - I would decline her offer of coming and offer a suitable time for you as an alternative

I would also tell DH you prefer he does not agree to hosting MIL without 1) him checking diary commitments 2) him running it past you and 3) I would probably move towards you taking the initiative yourself and suggesting dates to her for future visits rather than always being put on the back foot by her demanding to come in certain dates and doing this last minute via phone calls. If he finds it difficult to say no on the phone then he can say "let me check" -

You are v kind hosting her several times for several days per year - your preference not to want to host her on this occasion is perfectly valid and is nothing to do with whether you have lost a parent or not

[diddl]

"Oh well, fortunately my friends & family are much more comfortable with each other's friends & family"

It's hardly a question of that!

If I had other commitments my parents either wouldn't visit or would wait at mine.

We don't all know each others friends, nor is a visit so rare that we couldn't be parted for a couple of hours!

[GabsAlot]

my dh does this but with fil

hes a lovelyman but when his df wants to come down he just says yes instantlywithout checking whats happening first

usually itmeans hes at work and im sitting here with his df-ive got anxiety so it really doesnt help

[MapMyMum]

Extra actually that is really rude. She hasnt been invited and these are not exceptional circumstances in which others should have to be put out because she has decided she wants to visit while theyre busy.... she is a grown up, not a young child

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

diddl - I think that that would be really rude!

Do you diddle? Oh well, fortunately my friends & family are much more comfortable with each other's friends & family and none of us mind one bit 😊

[Summersalmostgone]

And as I said some of these events are with his friends so I've not arranged them!

[Summersalmostgone]

But I haven't tried to stop her from visiting. Not once have I said that.

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

I think it was a low blow from him tbh, and I'd have thrown back at him that he'd not be there most of the time , and that she was not my mother.

I would also throw a few more low blows back...how rude he is clockwatching and spoiling family days out, and ask when exactly he thinks you became Entertainments Officer for his mother, and his Social Secretary. Along with pointing out how little time he would actually spend with her on those dates.

I only ever had one proviso for dh's parents being here and that was HE was to be here, off work and in charge of amusing them.

[PiSeas]

summer you've asked for opinions and you're getting them. No point jumping down people's throats because theye feel different from you and are giving the opinions you asked for.
Your DH obviously wants to see MIL and was clumsy in expressing his feelings. She won't be around for ever, he wants to see his mother. Is there no way you can compromise. Does he have to attend ALL the events.

I'd resent DH if he tried to stop my mother from visiting. Put yourself in his shoes.

[Summersalmostgone]

The other thing is too that he could probably make more of an effort to plan to visit her but doesn't. He has chosen to use the annual leave he has later in the year for us to go away on a family holiday. If I planned and arranged a trip to see her he would be happy, but I refuse to take responsibility for it and so we haven't been in a couple of years. I guess that's the guilt part of FOG?

[Summersalmostgone]

Ok well that has certainly made me think. I suppose she does emotionally blackmail him by saying stuff like that she won't be around to see our kids grow up.

I think because she isn't my mother that I'm better at ignoring these types of comments but maybe DH is taking them onboard.

[diddl]

"It's not difficult to ring friends and say 'Mum will be here that weekend, do you mind if we bring her'."

I think that that would be really rude!

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

summersalmostgone. Sorry, to address your actual question...I don't know. I don't know your DH. It could be a genuine worry for him (my Cousins have started seeing their mum a LOT more this past year due to her getting older & them not wanting to have regrets) or he could have been trying to get you to 'relent' but given you didn't actually say 'no' that doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, as I said, I'd just take her with us.

[mathanxiety]

FOG is fear, (sense of) obligation and guilt.

Your DH clearly is tied to his mother in ways that are not healthy. This is encapsulated in the acronym.

Have any of you considered face timing?

Sit DH down and ask him what he thinks might happen to his relationship with his mother if she thought he was putting his own family first instead of trying to persuade her that she comes first in his life. (His fears, in other words).

Then ask him how his mother has managed to impress upon him that he has an obligation to her to host her when she decides to visit, and to put her first when she arrives. (Obligation). Again there will be fear under all of this.

Ask him what exactly he feels when he is out with the family and looking at his watch while his mother is visiting.

I think he was out of order to try to guilt trip you like that. But I think he has learned to do that from someone who is very good at it.

You should order and read books called 'Toxic Parents' and 'Emotional Blackmail', both by Susan Forward.

You can share them with your H.

[Summersalmostgone]

Well yes exactly. She hasn't been invited. But we also don't have room in our car for her so if she came it would require multiple trips.

We have taken her to things before but found she doesn't really talk to people and so we end up feeling like we need to babysit her. She wants the DC to sit on her lap the whole time and they want to be off playing and having fun with their friends. I'm sure it wouldn't be much fun for her either.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Its a 'birthday party', 'christening' - not a night with the Queen. It's not difficult to ring friends and say 'Mum will be here that weekend, do you mind if we bring her'.

[StillCounting123]

OP, FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Often referred to on mumsnet when someone has emotional confusion/ dysfunction due to issues with someone significant in their lives.

[diddl]

"otherwise I can't see why she can't go with you?"

Because she hasn't been invited?

[Summersalmostgone]

Can I just say this thread wasn't supposed to be about when MIL can visit. Obviously she will be given alternative dates. This isn't anything to do with her or her sulking as I've never said she would. Also we can't book her next visit before she leaves as she does have a life too and a job. So she also has to figure out when she is free. Like I said this is not an AIBU about her coming to stay!

I'm just saying what my DH said to me when I pointed out the things we have already booked in. Things he should already be aware about if he bothered to check the calendar! I am not sure what he is/ was expecting of me as I can't keep time free just in case. I think he was trying to guilt trip me but I don't know why. Some of the events are his friends ( people I barely know) so it's not for me to suggest us cancelling our attendance in favour of his mum?

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Is she likely to embarrass you at the 'things you have on' otherwise I can't see why she can't go with you?

[secretgirl]

I completely get where you're coming from. Can you not suggest that she visit a couple of weeks later?

[MapMyMum]

My in laws ALWAYS come down when dh is at work, really pisses me off as Ive seen more of them in the last few years than dh has and I dont like them (grit my teeth and hold my breath to get through it all).
Tell him he will get to see more of his mum another time, after all he wants to make sure he sees lots of her befote she dies, and he cant do that if hes working and/or out...

[Summersalmostgone]

She comes because she wants to see her son and grandkids. I haven't ever said I resent that? Not sure why some posters are saying I'm unfair?

As I've said yes she could still visit, but it's a long way to come, and a lot of money to spend when DH isn't home until 7pm for 3 days of her visit and then nobody is home for one entire day.

[DinosaursRoar]

I would instead give him a list of dates you are free, including earlier ones, and later ones. Get him to call her back and say "looking at the diary, X doesn't work at all, we've got things on all month, but I've got a list of weekends we can do before and after, shall we go through them and see if you are able to do any of them?" That's what a normal relationship would be like.

I agree that next time, you book her next visit in before she leaves, make a point of saying you'll do this when DH is around on an evening so you can get it sorted.

[Summersalmostgone]

I didn't see my parent much because they were ill for a long time and withdrew from everybody. So it wasn't solely lack of effort. I just feel it was unkind of DH to have turned my words around and sort of used them against me to make me out to be the bad guy? His mum visits 3 or 4 times a year for 4-5 days. Which I think is frequent given the distance.