To ask what you would think of me after this??

[Namexchange]

I really do want honest responses no matter how harsh but have name changed as this is quite revealing.

DS has a disability not life limiting but requires special equipment. 2 years ago I mentioned to a "friend" that we were saving for special equipment he needed that would cost around £5000. She suggested we do a sponsored event. I mentioned it to other friends who were all more than happy to do something and we settled on a bike ride where friends would get sponsorship.

Friend A then went into overdrive and started organising various events. She is very "out there" and controlling which I came to realise. I thought it was lovely at first and I was overwhelmed with the response. People were coming from all over and not just pledging £5 but £50 - £100 at a time. I even had strangers come up to me in the street and hand me £20.

I was so far out of my comfort zone and it was having a huge effect on me mentally. I asked friend to calm it down a bit but she dismissed me and continued pasting it all over Facebook!

The events came and went, DS got new equipment with £3000 paid, we got thank you cards sent out and flowers to friend for organising. About a week after, friend text me (clearly meaning to text someone else) the text was basically stating that I was ungrateful and DS didn't even need equipment etc.. I didn't know what to say but the guilt of having my friends pay and the stress of the previous months took their toll and I had a break down.

There is no doubt in my mind that friend told this same thing to anyone who would listen. Children are at the same school and I feel uncomfortable just taking my children to school.

It has gone on for 2 years now and although I am recovered from the break down I can't shake this worry that everywhere I go people are thinking I am this money grabbing bitch! Especially since I went AWOL and removed myself from Facebook after the breakdown for months while "friend" was left to point out that I had grabbed and run!

Would you think that I did that? If so can I put it right? I really need to move on!

[TrulyTrulyTrulyOutrageous]

I give money each pay to a cause I find on a fundraising site. I don't give a shit if it goes to appreciative people. I'm aware that there are lots of people who could do with a bit of help and I feel good knowing I have tried to do something positive.
I hope this experience hasn't soured or tarnished the equipment, enjoy it!

[Namexchange]

Thank you for all of your advice. I wish I had asked this 2 years ago! It may have saved a lot of angst. I was such a confident person before this but now struggle with basic polite conversation.

I have completely deleted my Facebook account. I don't know whether to open a new one and friend request everyone and make a statement? What do you think?

[londonrach]

Just open previous account as you have all friends linked post new picture of ds using equipment with words update...thank you everyone item still in use 2 years later or similar...then step away from fb. If not wanting to open fb again can a friend (not that one) post a picture on her fb so everyone sees it. Please look afteryourself and ds and realise that friends not worth it! 💐

[OurBlanche]

Why not?

Hi All, two years on and DS is making wonderful progress. The [whatever it was you bought] has enabled him to do X and Y and Z

Add some pictures and a thank you!

[lougle]

Did your DS genuinely need the equipment?

Would you have been able to pay for the equipment easily without fundraising?

Were the NHS going to fund the equipment for him?

Were you grateful and did you say thank you?

If the answer to those questions are yes, no, no, yes, then you have got nothing to be feeling guilty for. This person drove the fundraising effort for your DS's equipment and her gratification.

[Cornettoninja]

I would be tempted to include a gushing line thanking 'friend' for organising all the fund raising and sparing the time you don't have. Just so people can put two and two together and see what a fruitcake she really is...

I'm quite passive aggressive though.

[trafalgargal]

I wouldn't single out fruitcake but I'd be sincerely thanking everyone who helped your DS if she then moans to people she didn't get a special mention then it'll just con firm her fruitcakeness to everyone that she expected a special mention and wasn't happy to be bundled in with "everyone".

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

I would have to mention the stress that 'rumours we didn't need the equipment have caused' but I'm a hot head Maybe take the more dignified approach and just mention you are grateful for all the 'unconditional' support from friends and family.

[Benedikte2]

I think doing something positive at this time would allow you to take back some control.
Under a heading of Update post a pic of DS2 and say how you are still appreciative of the support you received from everyone and that the equipment had made a great difference to his life. Maybe mention any milestones you think DS2 might have achieved because of the equipment or how his life has been made more comfortable etc.
Then draw a line under the whole thing., hold your head high and now you are good parents who put their DC first.

[Itriedtodohandstandsforyou]

Could you send an update with photo to local newspaper, again thanking everyone and showing how their donations were spent? or similar in school newsletter? .. Extrahotlatte I like your post.

[AbyssinianBanana]

I honestly wouldn't use school newsletter. If anyone has had an earful of her cynicism for last 2 years, seeing your "how we're getting on" will be seen as part of a gear up of a new campaign to get something else. Unfortunately, that's how PR campaigns do it and and we've been exposed to it so much, some of us now see it as stage 1 and wonder what's to come.

[NikiSaintPhalle]

Your former friend sounds like a thoroughly nasty glorywhore, and I think the nasty impression left on you was compounded by the insanely insensitive comment from the head of the club. Was he actually suggesting that your son had to trundle along to a club he was no longer interested in for the rest of his life because they had fundraised for his equipment? Which sounds like an unpleasant outcropping of the 'the Disabled Do Not Have the Right to Equal Opportunities But Should Be Terribly, Terribly Grateful for the Occasional Ramp/Wheelchair/Signed Performance'.

For your own peace of mind, it might make sense and give you a feeling of taking back control to do as others have suggested, reactivate FB and simply post a picture of your son using the equipment with a brief comment about how much he's gained from it, and repeating your original thanks to those who sponsored you, donated or helped. Other than that, I would put it behind you. You have behaved impeccably, and can't control the behaviour of those who didn't.

[IceRoadDucker]

I would think your ex "friend" was a self-serving idiot. I suspect you're seeing slights when there aren't any because of your insecurity--perfectly understandable, but not helpful. You did everything right and should be proud of yourself

[2016Hopeful]

Honestly, people can see through people like her. She just sounds bonkers as she was the one heading up the campaign to get the equipment in the first place.

Just some facebook updates about your child's progress with the equipment will be enough, say something about how grateful you are that people kindly donated towards something that has improved your child's life so much in the last couple of years. Also, tag her in and thank her for her hard work in helping to raise the money (it makes you sound kind and sincere even if she isn't).

I like giving money to causes and wouldn't believe what that woman said if it was me, especially if I had received a thank you card with the child using the equipment.

As for the club, it is up to your son if he wants to continue and it is wrong of them to use emotional blackmail on you. Forget about that, they wanted to do the raffle and they did it, you thanked them at the time it doesn't mean your son has to go there forever!

[PastaLaFeasta]

For some people they do favours and hold it against you forever - nothing you do will be good enough to show your appreciation. If I'd donated I would be glad I could help and would only give what I can easily afford. I would presume everyone could see your son genuinely needs the equipment or at least it makes a big difference to him. Donating to a person you know and you can see it making a difference it's much more inspiring and fulfilling. I've been approach to donate to a specific cause and don't need any thanks, in fact it would be better for the individuals benefitting to not know I helped out. But it will be fab to hear about the difference it made to them after - and it's far less worthy than equipment for a disabled child.

[Namexchange]

Thank you. I am going to draft something later and will show you all before I post it

[RaspberryBeret34]

So sorry you've gone through this. Your ex-friend is nasty and self-seeking and the thank you cards and flowers etc were plenty to show how grateful you are to those who donated. I certainly wouldn't even expect a thank you card if I donated in similar circumstances and would assume you had enough on your plate without thanking hundreds of people. It'd be enough for me to know that I had contributed to useful equipment for your DS. I hope you can move on and build your confidence back up .

I'd set up your FB again, friend a few close/friendly people and give it a couple of weeks, I'm sure others will friend you during that time. At that point you could do a picture of your DS with his equipment and a thanking/update post, maybe start with how your DS is doing and how the equipment is helpful then something along the lines of "sorry I haven't been around for a while and haven't updated on DS and his equipment. I've had a lot to deal with but am doing OK now. I wanted to say how what a big difference DS's equipment has made and how very grateful we still are to all those who donated". You can set the update to public and even say you're happy for it to be shared (if you are!). If ex friend gives you any crap or passive aggressiveness then block her. If FB all becomes a bit too much again, you can disable your account for a bit and then just rejoin when you feel ready.

[Comfortzone]

Rejoin Facebook and post a '2 year update' on how well your son is doing with the equipment. apologise that you hadn't thanked everyone enough before now but you were so use with what was going on with your son.

It will soon be summer school hols so you won't have to see those people as often

pEople are genuinely much kinder and forgiving than we think

Concentrate on rebuilding yourself and enjoying your days with your son

[crje]

People know this type & ignore them.
They say their piece & move on to the next drama.
They are not worth confronting or worrying about.
People gave to ye because they wanted too, not because of her.

[Namexchange]

Thank you. Just a quick update for everyone who helped me yesterday. I started to open a new Facebook account (couldn't get the old one back) and suddenly realised that Facebook was stress in itself for me. I just don't feel strong enough to take that.

Instead I finished work early and did the school run. I smiled at everyone and when I saw her I stared straight at her forehead as i walked past it took all my might not to look away but she def squirmed.

I then spoke to a woman who I am not so close to last night and she reiterated everything you have said.she asked how DS was doing and I said fine but wished I hadn't done it and without too much detail I indicated what had happened. She dismissed woman as being bonkers and said that everyone she knows gives her a wide berth when they see her coming as she is always screaming accross the playground about something or other.

I am not sure if I will be able to keep this up as I burst into tears as soon as I got home but after 2 years I feel a little less like running away

[flanjabelle]

Op well done you. That was really brave of you and can't have been easy.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Well done you!! x

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

I think you have got your post the wrong way round! Not what would I think of YOU, but what I would think of HER! Xx

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

What a horrible experience for you.
It sounds as though your 'friend' hijacked your cause, purely for her own gain; to make herself centre of attention. When the fund raising started to wind down, she created malicious rumours about your family, again probably to attract attention to herself. I would find that unforgivable.

I'm so pleased you are feeling a bit better and are starting to move on. Keep your head held high and keep smiling . You don't need to put anything right, you've done nothing wrong and in time people will see your friend for the vindictive fake that she is.

[TheoriginalLEM]

Well done you

I know a woman like your friend (in fact i know several ) i used to have a role in the pta and yes we worked bloody hard and raised ££££ for the school but unless people were practically falling at our feet with tears of gratitude it was never good enough. i put up with hours of griping about it and in the end i had to walk away.

I think there are a particular breed of people who whilst kind hearted thrive on the attention and feel quite deflated when they don't receive a nobel prize.

If i had sponsored your ds i would love to see an update on how he was using the equipment and that would be thanks enough for me.