AIBU to change my locks?

[oaadc]

Husband and I split 3 months ago. He is staying with a family member. He has a key to our house because he sees DS every evening here and has him here for one day and one night every weekend.

He has massive anxiety problems. He doesn't trust me to look after DS. DS has autism and I am his carer. I've done all of the day to day parenting plus all of the meetings, paperwork and therapies that come with additional needs.

This morning for example he has messaged me three times before 5:45am to make sure DS is ok and has woken us both up. He's tried to call social services at 4am before because I was asleep and not texting back.

He has then let himself into the house at 6:20am. When I told him he couldn't just let himself in out of the blue like that, he kicked off, shouting and swearing that I have started using DS as a weapon against him and am dictating when he can see his own son. For the record, I have never stopped him from seeing him.

I just don't know how to handle his anxiety. Would changing my locks make things worse?

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

Has he been any better since? Have you had locks changed? Sounds like he needs counselling or something, his behaviour is irrational and must stem from something, or he's a fucking loon, either or

[oaadc]

Thanks everybody. One of the reasons our relationship broke down was because he has this thing about me not being a competent mum. He's the only person in the whole world who seems to think it. He makes me doubt myself.

[Cheby]

Definitely change the locks! Speak to your landlord first but I can't imagine they would have an issue in the circumstances. In fact I imagine they would be unhappy that someone no longer on the tenancy still had keys. I would also be getting a new PAYG phone specifically for him, which would be switched off from 9pm to 9am (or whatever is reasonable for you).

I wouldn't allow him to have access to your son at your house any more either. It's blurring the lines and it can't carry on forever. If you don't stop it now you're going to be in the same place a few years down the line (when perhaps you might just want to meet someone or whatever, but your ex is still spending every evening at your house).

[DeathStare]

Oh and if he turns up and refuses to go, call the police.

And keep a diary of any incidents

[DeathStare]

Email just like WellDoYaPunks suggested.

Then change the locks/fit a door chain and put your phone on silent at night.

[2nds]

Change the locks and do it ASAP. As your name is the only name on the tenancy you are solely responsible for the property and if he was to come inside and cause damage to the property it's your responsibility to get it fixed so for that reason alone you need to change the locks.

[oaadc]

I think he has tried to 'catch me out' by turning up, thinking that someone is here. I still get the Spanish Inquisition about what I do on my 'night off' at the weekends.

He's pissed off that I asked him to leave our house. I did try to find somewhere to move to but nowhere would accept me because I receive Carer's Allowance and don't work. The council said I was making myself intentionally homeless and wouldn't help. Citizens Advice told me that staying with him would be the best thing for everybody

[Penfold007]

You really need to formalise the separation arrangements for benefit of all three of you. You describe him as scary but allow him in your home every evening, one day a week and overnight once a week confusing for everyone concerned.
Changing the locks, switching phone to silent may mean he kicks off but that might need to happen, sadly.

[Berthatydfil]

It sounds like his anxiety is well outside normal. It's quite normal not to answer ones phone at 4am. Also waking you both up at that time is unpleasant and borderline abusive. Why would you suddenly start failing to adequately meet your sons needs ?
It's clear he is suffering some kind of issue with his mental health and agree he needs medical help.

[user1465823522]

change your locks and speak to social services about his behaviour - it' s very concerning and he clearly needs help and support that he isn't getting, and you need to be able to relax and care for your child without worrying about this man and his behaviour.

x

[Ditsy4]

Change the locks ( landlords permission first) and leave your phone downstairs. He can text all he wants then. Or switch it off/ silent. If he comes around banging doors in the night ring the police. Tell him he has to be reasonable or you will take it further.
Inform GP

[JudyCoolibar]

His behaviour is harassment. You need to set out some very precise boundaries whilst making it clear that you are not keeping him away from your child, but warn him that if he doesn't comply you will have no choice but to get an injunction to force him to do so.

[LineyReborn]

I started out too with good intentions, OP. But don't forget, it's not you cocking it up and being unreasonable and scary, it's him.

And it's not allowed.

My ExH's Crappy behaviour started to escalate and I absolutely had to do something about it. It was really impacting on my life, and upsetting the DCs.

Yes non-resident parents deserve a relationship with their children but it doesn't give them a free pass to behave badly and scare people. The police took a very dim view of my Ex refusing to move from the doorstep because they said he was effectively trapping us in our home. They gave him a warning. He was nervous about losing his job (not of upsetting his own children!) and he started behaving. So he did know how to behave all along.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Change the locks.

Keep a record of all of this.

Ring his GP, explain the situation & see if they'll send him a request to go in for a general check up. Ask what other help is available locally. Ask what mental health services can be recommended. Do all you can to get him help, BUT if you can't, then call the police & get them involved. You can't live like this.

Change the locks. Tell him it HAS to stop. That he needs to get help before you go to a lawyer to get a 'no contact' order for you and your DS.

[WellDoYaPunks]

Send him an email setting out some new boundaries (that way it has a chance to sink in).
He needs to return the key
He mustn't contact you between 10pm - 7am
He must do his parenting at his house / out of your house
He mustnt come to the house unarranged
Etc etc

Tell him he needs to get help for his anxiety and that you won't stand in the way of reasonable time spent with his son

[SaturdaySurprise]

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/common-issues-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-can-you-change-the-locks/

If the house is only in your name, then you can change the locks.

[oaadc]

Ha Liney - he can be embarrassing!

All of this has been done with good intentions from myself. I haven't wanted to stop him and DS from seeing each other everyday. They adore one another.

I will check with my landlord if it's a decision I come to.

[LineyReborn]

Sorry that autocorrected from harrassing to embarrassing and I didn't notice in time.

[Shizzlestix]

Don't let him stay with you. House is in your name, either take key off him or ask LL if you can change the locks.

[LineyReborn]

Oh and stop letting him stay if he's scary.

[LineyReborn]

Focus on the unacceptable behaviour, not his excuses.

I'd give him one written warning to stop embarrassing you and turning up invited. Use text or email - or a solicitor's letter - something where you have a record.

Then yes, change the locks. If he kicks off on the doorstep, call the police.

I've had to do it and the police domestic abuse unit were really helpful.

When it went to a contact order, his own barrister agreed to write into it that he musn't come near my home.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Well if the house is only in your name you dont have to let him in or give him a key

If rented you'll need to speak to the landlord first.