To feel disgusted at my DB?

[CowPatRoberts]

This isn't an easy topic, and it's been clear over the last few years that I hold very different opinions to a few members of my family when it comes to issues like this. So please try to see this as a wider problem rather than a one off as that's what I'm struggling with.

I have a younger DB who last night sent me a text from my DFs phone using an awful racial slur, it was in relation to an earlier text I'd sent him about meeting a celebrity at work. When I received the text I initially thought it was from DF and called him- all these reasons running through my head, was it autocorrect(!), was it a typo, or was my DF actually using such an awful word?

My DB answered the phone laughing, and I immediately realised it was him and hung up. My DF called me back without knowing what had happened and couldn't understand why I was so upset, he was laughing and assuming my brother was just being cheeky about something. I said he needed to read his phone and I would speak to him tomorrow, I was mortified and embarrassed.

This morning I receive a text from DB saying:

"I am sorry about yesterday, it wasn't meant to aggravate you it was just meant to be a joke and I understand that you don't always understand my jokes so I will think about it more next time before joking around."

AIBU to not just let it drop? I haven't replied but this is the last straw, he's always been borderline offensive and everyone always made out he was just doing it to be a wind up, but I can't allow my own family to act like this and pretend it's okay. I am so ashamed of him and he just doesn't understand what the problem is.

I have spent so much of my time working with asylum seekers, with victims of trafficking, and have seen first hand what happens when prejudice is allowed to run unchecked. I feel like that if I let this slide I'm contributing to the problem when I'm in the position to be able to help. Just because I'm fortunate enough to be born in a good area, to an educated affluent family does not mean I don't understand the damage this kind of behaviour causes.

[NewLife4Me]

You have made your mind up anyway, so why ask? What a daft thread.
I wouldn't like a member of my family to use the n word, but wouldn't fall out over it.
You obviously don't like your db and need an excuse to fall out, maybe?

[CowPatRoberts]

NewLife Actually, we're really close and get on better than any other of my siblings if I'm honest. The reason I'm so upset is because of this.

Apologies though, I'll be sure to send all future prospective thread topics for you to let me know your valued feedback before posting.

[SilverBirchWithout]

A few years ago my own DB use the P word a couple of times when he visited us when we had other guests around. I have since then minimised contact to just communicating at birthdays and Christmas.

In his mind I'm sure DB felt he was just 'joking' but after many years of such 'jokes' what I realised was he was doing it to deliberately to wind me up as much as espousing so horrid views. I decided I didn't need him in my life, I would never have been so deliberately obtuse to him so it help to highlight that he enjoyed embarrassing and hurting me and others.

Given your work your DB knew how repugnant such words would be to you. The 'only joking' excuse is used when there are no other rational arguments to justify his behaviour. He was being cruel and unkind to you as well as being offensive. Sometimes failing to see the joke is a good thing.

[CowPatRoberts]

He's replied and said 'I've apologised and I think you should accept it and stop making such a massive deal about it'

Think this is one I can't win! Thank god I'm not an only child.

[aginghippy]

1. It's not a real apology.
   
2. What SilverBirch said. He was doing it deliberately to be cruel and unkind to you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

"It is a massive deal to me. I'm sad that you don't understand and respect that."

[Inyournightdress]

I was once assessing a couple for a professional role. I won't go into two many details but it involved a number of visits to their home and lengthy interviews about their life. They used racial slurs (the p word) in front of me on a number of occasions. When I challenged them on it they said 'that was a private conversation between us'. I don't see how just because the people you are directing the comments to aren't present that it makes it any better to use?

I ended up closing their assessment for it. They thought it was un fair. If they had showed some awareness that what they had said was inappropriate then maybe I'd have continued. Unfortunately it was their reaction which made it harder to forgive even more.

I'd feel the same way as you op, he doesn't seem sorry at all.

[KittensandKnitting]

It's really very difficult, I had a relative no longer with us who would make my toes curl sometimes with the things he said he would say it was a joke, but it wasn't to me it was so difficult because I loved them very much but found their views at time abhorrent.

I did say something every time and snapped when it got too much, in order to get around it they agreed never to discuss it in my presence and to be fair didn't. I told them when not arguing that it was a huge deal to me that I found it utterly offensive and made me not want to be around them.

[Ginkypig]

Just reply I can't stop you using such language but I don't like it and I will never tolerate it or understand why it would in any circumstance be appropriate or funny to use such terms so if you want us to have a relationship don't use it around me. To add though thankyou for your apology I appreciate it.

You might not agree and are probably as angry as I would be in the same situation but you can't control him so the only thing to do if you still want him in your life is to set strong boundries with him around it.

[NewLife4Me]

Cowpat

Forum for opinions, or is it just the one's you agree with

Glad you and your db are close. Perhaps just ask him to keep his opinions/ racist comments to himself then.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

This thread has been a real eye-opener for me. I actually believed that people thought that using racial slurs when they are only with white people was also bad.

For the record, for the lurkers, I do not use racial slurs when alone, when with white people or when with PoC. Never. Not singing along with NWA, not quoting people, not ever. The only time I think I would ever is possibly if I had to tell someone for work, in Court, for to the Police. And even then I'd be tempted to spell it.

I'n stunned that people think it's not that bad if people can't hear you do it.

[BlackeyedSusan]

"it is a big deal to me if you use derogatory language about other people. I do not want to hear/read that sort of language"

[BlackeyedSusan]

itisnot an apology ifyou do not think what you did is wrong.

[CowPatRoberts]

MrsTerryPratchett My feeling exactly.

I appreciate there will be people who read this and think I'm precious, or causing an argument for the sake of it and that's fine. The kind of person who thinks this is an acceptable thing to joke about clearly has an entirely different view of the world and I doubt anything I say could change it.

[CowPatRoberts]

*feelings

[Inyournightdress]

Exactly Mrsterrypratchett

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Hm. I'm usually a patient, measured sort, and my bet is that he's taking advantage of your similar nature, trying to fob you off. You do, however, need to lose your shit with him. Sorry this is happening in your life.

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

MrsTerryPratchett totally agree.

[CowPatRoberts]

Zzzz Just to be clear, he can say and think whatever he likes, I'd just prefer he refrained from using that kind of language around me. It's not like he's not aware of my feelings!

[NeedACleverNN]

I like the responses of where you make it clear you didn't find it humourous. Go down that route

However I also wouldn't make a huge drama over it as it is just a joke and your brother did apologise. But then I recognise I have a highly dysfunctional family who make regular racial slurs and I tend to ignore what I don't like to avoid aggro

[whattodowiththepoo]

Did it end with an r or an a?

[CowPatRoberts]

Need No you're right, I wouldn't ever drag other family members into it and make them feel like they need to take sides.

He knows what he said was out of line, I've now told him I won't tolerate it around me and that yes, every time he decides to use a word like "n#%^*~" around me I will be bollocking him. I won't be dragging this out as frankly, I wouldn't want other people knowing what he said.

[cappy123]

MrsTP you're right and its the reason why racism is never far from the surface of some people. Respect and morality has more power when exercised when no-one is looking or hearing.

[CowPatRoberts]

Whattodo R