To be upset about what DSS has been saying about me?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Ok, I know I'm probably being oversensitive but the last couple of weeks I've been increasingly upset by what Dss (DP's son) has been saying about me during contact.

Today we went for KFC as a treat before he went home and he was making a LOT of comments about me and my size (just for reference I am size 14/16 and his mum, DP's ex is much larger than I am - not really relevent but just to give context)

For example:

Dss: 'you've got a big butt'
Dss: 'if we got into a car crash your belly would act like an airbag' etc etc.

I know he's a child of 7 but I'm very self conscious about my size and this has really upset me.

Also, DP and I cannot have children for various reasons and have just about come to terms with this. DP's ex and her new partner have had a baby 9 ish months ago and Dss keeps making comments that I am not really part of the family because '[me] and daddy haven't had a baby' or that '[DP's ex's partner] is more a part of the family because they have made a baby together'.

I know he is only 7 and almost certainly doesn't have any idea of how what he is saying hurts but Aibu to be upset about it?

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is unacceptable behaviour and you and your dp need to pull him up on that, it is very nasty. I think he could be that he is adjusting to the baby being born, both his parents separating and having different partners. But do not use that as an excuse. Your partner needs to correct him, and put sanctions in place.

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

I'm a stepmother (none of my own) and I recall making a vague comment about being a "happy family" when me and dss and dsd were waiting in the car one time for DH. I meant, "play nicely you two", but it came out as play happy families - and dss, who certainly would have been about 7 at the time, said very quietly, "You're not our family."

There was a rather long pause and I looked back at him - he looked a bit scared, so I smiled and said, "No I know that. But I dont have to be family to love your dad and care about you all."

We never spoke of it again - those stepchildren are now 19, 22 and 24, and DH and I have been together over 17 years. It's been a bit of a roller coaster - it is hard for the children, but it does get easier as they get older. I don't recall them making any personal comments though, I must admit. I'm a bit of a cold fish really, I stayed fairly aloof for fear of offending someone or being rejected - even now there's only one of them I would risk giving a hug and a kiss. Perhaps they've never felt close enough to me to be so rude, they certainly have no respect for their mother - but that's a whole other thread!

Develop a thicker skin, but don't be afraid to calmly and kindly say you'd rather he didn't make silly comments about you.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I can see why you don't want to 'tell him off' but I think you should say something. In a quiet, calm voice just say 'ooh, that wasn't very nice, it hurt my feelings' and see where dss takes it. If he just goes quiet I think just let it go and resume as normal because he'll have realised you're unhappy with the situation (rather than his dad's reaction which makes it more jokey). If he says something like 'why?' You can explain that it's hurtful to comment on someone's appearance in that way. Then if he does it again you will know he knows he's being hurtful and that you don't find it funny (again, his dad's reaction may have been fuelling the 'joke') and you can say 'that was not a nice thing to say, it was very rude' and perhaps go off to the toilet/ counter/ check your phone outside for a few minutes etc so he knows in no uncertain terms he's upset you. It may be that he's allowed to make jokes at home perhaps? In DH's family they are always ripping the piss out of each other in a way I'd never want DD to, could that be a factor?
If he did it again after 2 I'd fully expect DP to step in. And I'd make that clear to DP after the second occasion.

[Isetan]

He is a very jokey person and humour is naturally his default setting, especially when put in awkward situations.

What's funny about his child being rude to you? He hides behind 'humour' (which you enable by not calling him out on it), to avoid taking responsibility for not teaching his child good manners. He is not only doing you a disservice but he is letting his child down too, by not being a positive influence in his social development. How many other people do you think will find his rudeness 'funny'? How far is he willing to take 'humour' his path of leas of least resistance to avoid dealing with awkward parental situations (of which there will be more of)? Cowardice/ fear isn't a positive parenting trait.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I explain it because DP suffers from anxiety and is really not good at dealing with awkward situations, he can't even watch things on tv involving awkwardness - I don't understand it personally but then I don't have anxiety.

I don't actually think he found it funny I just don't think he knew how else to deal with it at that particular time. DP is normally good at disciplining Dss and he is not normally badly behaved when he is with us.

Fwiw I talked to DP about the whole situation afterwards and told him it had upset me and he said he has spoken to Dss about it when he took him home so hopefully the situation has been dealt with and won't happen again.