To be upset about what DSS has been saying about me?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Ok, I know I'm probably being oversensitive but the last couple of weeks I've been increasingly upset by what Dss (DP's son) has been saying about me during contact.

Today we went for KFC as a treat before he went home and he was making a LOT of comments about me and my size (just for reference I am size 14/16 and his mum, DP's ex is much larger than I am - not really relevent but just to give context)

For example:

Dss: 'you've got a big butt'
Dss: 'if we got into a car crash your belly would act like an airbag' etc etc.

I know he's a child of 7 but I'm very self conscious about my size and this has really upset me.

Also, DP and I cannot have children for various reasons and have just about come to terms with this. DP's ex and her new partner have had a baby 9 ish months ago and Dss keeps making comments that I am not really part of the family because '[me] and daddy haven't had a baby' or that '[DP's ex's partner] is more a part of the family because they have made a baby together'.

I know he is only 7 and almost certainly doesn't have any idea of how what he is saying hurts but Aibu to be upset about it?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I explain it because DP suffers from anxiety and is really not good at dealing with awkward situations, he can't even watch things on tv involving awkwardness - I don't understand it personally but then I don't have anxiety.

I don't actually think he found it funny I just don't think he knew how else to deal with it at that particular time. DP is normally good at disciplining Dss and he is not normally badly behaved when he is with us.

Fwiw I talked to DP about the whole situation afterwards and told him it had upset me and he said he has spoken to Dss about it when he took him home so hopefully the situation has been dealt with and won't happen again.

[Isetan]

He is a very jokey person and humour is naturally his default setting, especially when put in awkward situations.

What's funny about his child being rude to you? He hides behind 'humour' (which you enable by not calling him out on it), to avoid taking responsibility for not teaching his child good manners. He is not only doing you a disservice but he is letting his child down too, by not being a positive influence in his social development. How many other people do you think will find his rudeness 'funny'? How far is he willing to take 'humour' his path of leas of least resistance to avoid dealing with awkward parental situations (of which there will be more of)? Cowardice/ fear isn't a positive parenting trait.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I can see why you don't want to 'tell him off' but I think you should say something. In a quiet, calm voice just say 'ooh, that wasn't very nice, it hurt my feelings' and see where dss takes it. If he just goes quiet I think just let it go and resume as normal because he'll have realised you're unhappy with the situation (rather than his dad's reaction which makes it more jokey). If he says something like 'why?' You can explain that it's hurtful to comment on someone's appearance in that way. Then if he does it again you will know he knows he's being hurtful and that you don't find it funny (again, his dad's reaction may have been fuelling the 'joke') and you can say 'that was not a nice thing to say, it was very rude' and perhaps go off to the toilet/ counter/ check your phone outside for a few minutes etc so he knows in no uncertain terms he's upset you. It may be that he's allowed to make jokes at home perhaps? In DH's family they are always ripping the piss out of each other in a way I'd never want DD to, could that be a factor?
If he did it again after 2 I'd fully expect DP to step in. And I'd make that clear to DP after the second occasion.

[BillyDaveysDaughter]

I'm a stepmother (none of my own) and I recall making a vague comment about being a "happy family" when me and dss and dsd were waiting in the car one time for DH. I meant, "play nicely you two", but it came out as play happy families - and dss, who certainly would have been about 7 at the time, said very quietly, "You're not our family."

There was a rather long pause and I looked back at him - he looked a bit scared, so I smiled and said, "No I know that. But I dont have to be family to love your dad and care about you all."

We never spoke of it again - those stepchildren are now 19, 22 and 24, and DH and I have been together over 17 years. It's been a bit of a roller coaster - it is hard for the children, but it does get easier as they get older. I don't recall them making any personal comments though, I must admit. I'm a bit of a cold fish really, I stayed fairly aloof for fear of offending someone or being rejected - even now there's only one of them I would risk giving a hug and a kiss. Perhaps they've never felt close enough to me to be so rude, they certainly have no respect for their mother - but that's a whole other thread!

Develop a thicker skin, but don't be afraid to calmly and kindly say you'd rather he didn't make silly comments about you.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That is unacceptable behaviour and you and your dp need to pull him up on that, it is very nasty. I think he could be that he is adjusting to the baby being born, both his parents separating and having different partners. But do not use that as an excuse. Your partner needs to correct him, and put sanctions in place.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I'm not making excuses for anyone isetan I'm just telling how he reacted. He was driving at the time and was probably just as taken aback to hear him say it as I was. He is a very jokey person and humour is naturally his default setting, especially when put in awkward situations.

Fwiw I'm not really concerned that it may have come from or have anything to do with DP's ex. I'm fairly sure it's just something Dss came out with, he was probably trying to be funny but obviously I don't think it's funny.

[Isetan]

Your DP needs to get over his awkwardness making excuses for not parenting his son better. It's strange that you're more prepared to make excuses for a supposedly grown arse man and not a seven year old.

I'd worry less about what is or isn't being said by this boy's mother and worry more, about someone who supposedly loves you trying to make a joke about his child being rude and offensive.

[OhMyGoddess]

I certainly think that a child of 7 could come up with these sort of remarks. He's 7, not 3. My stepsons said similar things to me when they were 7 and 8 and it absolutely did not come from their mum. I challenged them about it every time they did it, told them straight out they were being rude and unpleasant and I wouldn't have it. They stopped. They're in their late teens/early twenties now and we have a brilliant relationship. You shouldn't feel that you can't say anything OP. If the boy said it to a stranger in a shop the stranger wouldn't ignore it, nor should you.

[AristotleTheGreat]

I wouldn't be worried about the ex.
As log as your DP is happy with whatever you say to his dss, it's OK.

Again, would she be upset if someone in the street was pulling him up on such a comment?
'Oh your ass look big' said to a random woman in the street> I suspect she would be mortified instead. And that's how she should feel towards you.

[AristotleTheGreat]

Honestly? Would your DP accept that his ds says any comments like to anyone else? Someone in the street, another parent, a teacher?
I bet he wouldn't and would pull him up much more than what he is doing at the moment.
He needs to give you the same respect than anyone else and he needs to teach his ds that he should speak to you with the same respect that anyone else.

Re thre family thing, the answer is a discussion about what makes someone a member of the family. Can you be a family wo having children etc... At 7yo he is old enough to talk about that and appreciate that families comes in all shapes and sizes. Once the conversation is done, the. It's very easy to poll him on it and remind him of said conversation.

[Salmotrutta]

I wouldn't be worrying about the ex not liking you ticking off her son OP.

If he says anything rude to you again just say "Why are you being rude? Do you really want people to think you are just a rude and cheeky person" Then say "Don't ever speak to me like that again".

[corythatwas]

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sat 11-Jun-16 09:35:20

"Dss: 'if we got into a car crash your belly would act like an airbag' etc etc.

There's no way a child of that age came up with that, so he's obv parroting back what his DM has said."

I really would not go down this way of thinking: it seems well within the range of what a verbal 7yo could come up with. No reason to make yourself more annoyed by wondering whether adults are involved.

My dn was quite a bit younger than this when she asked her mum: "if there is a fire just as you are about to give the cat her contraceptives, can we keep the kittens?"

[SaveSomeSpendSome]

Do you think hes over heard someone say it to his mum and now hes repeating it to you?

I would ask dp to have a chat with dss mum and just mention if he has this attitude at hers?

[TheWitTank]

When a rude comment is made I would firmly say "thats not a nice thing to say, it hurts people's feelings when you say rude things like that. Please don't do it again". No shouting or nastiness needed, just firm words and a stern stare. I have no hesitation in telling children what they have said is not appropriate, if they are mine or not.

[fatmomma99]

some of this sounds to me like he's trying to make sense of the world. Not the comments about your bum, but the things about how families are. Yours is quite complex and I think he's processing and dealing with big, grown up things. And also agree with those who've said he may have issues with new baby.

So I would suggest going gently-ish with those kind of remarks.

The comments about your body are rude. So fine here to call him out on those as has already been suggested - "how would you feel if someone said that to you" kind of thing.

Agree you need DP support.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I'm just confused as to why she (DP's ex) might have been discussing me and making comments about my size when she is almost double my size. A), if anyone knows how it feels to be self conscious about their weight it's her and B), DP and I have been together almost 3 years and we've never had any of these sorts of comments coming up before so why now?

I agree that it could be he is acting out because of his new sibling but again, he's had 9 months plus the whole pregnancy to get used to the idea and, outwardly at least, he seems quite happy to have a sibling. There was a bit of drama a few weeks ago because Dss had been making comments to 'DP's ex' about her boyfriend not really being part of the family because they are not married and she was upset - she thought that it had come from us but it definately hadn't. This situation is not too dissimilar.

I'm not worried about offending DP with saying something to Dss, he wouldn't mind at all if I said something to him it's DP's ex I'm worried about because I don't think she would take to kindly to me telling her son off.

I have spoken to DP at least he knows how I feel about it now and will hopefully pull Dss up on it if he says anything like that in future.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't sit there like a lemon and take comments like that from anyone ...stepson or not. He doesn't get a free pass to be rude.

And your partner sounds like a very limp specimen.

[Onenerfwarfrombreakdown]

Fadedred said exactly what I was going to say - I think this is the best approach. Calm but without any doubt that he's being rude and unreasonable. Of course you have a right to pull him up on unacceptable comments/behaviour OP, esp when directed at you.
Please also tell your DP he's being wet and useless and needs to step up.

[differentnameforthis]

He is obviously repeating what he has heard (probably from his mother),

I think DP feels a bit awkward about it all and generally tries to make a joke out of it, I don't think he realises just how much it upsets me Then you need to tell him, and ask him to deal with it.

but I'm always very wary when children are not 'mine' lest I offend their 'real' parents. Well his "real" parent isn't bothered that his son is offending his girlfriend, is he? So why afford his "real" parent the respect that you aren't getting.

Why would the ex say such things about the OP, when the ex herself is even larger than the OP? If she (OP) were slim I could maybe get it, but as such it makes no sense You would be surprised as to what people will say about ex's new partners after a break up. My mother said hideous things about my dad's new partner (dad left mum), none of it true.

[JustHappy3]

Tricky. The stuff about your bum is hurtful if you think he's being hurtful/spiteful. My ds says i've got a big bum - which i have and i guess i say stuff like "i'm going to plonk my big bottom next to yours and give you a big cuddle". If mum is bigger than you it might also be something that's discussed in that way in their house. So you need to let him know it's not appropriate in your house without shaming him or getting angry. There's nothing stopoing you saying. "I find it hurtful when you joke about my bum, it's like you're saying you don't like me or how i look and i like you a lot and i think you look fantastic. So please stop saying that." Or words to that effect.
My second thought is that any child with a new sibling will be worrying about what that means for them and their place in the family. So talking about your place could be a little cry for help for himself. He is only v young after all. Again turn it round - or get your DH to - say that of course you are part of this family - just as much as dss is part of it AND a part of his other family. Wouldn't hurt to ask if he's worrying about it and reassure him he is.

[BlueLeopard]

I had this from DP's niece when she was about that age. She got gently hushed each time by her parents or ignored, so when she said my new glasses made me look ugly I fixed her with a look and said "DN, don't you think that is a rude thing to say to someone? Would you say that to your teacher if she got new glasses?" and she didn't expect to be challenged at all, so quickly looked at her mother for intervention but because I'd deliberately kept my tone mild and conversational I hadn't crossed the line into parenting territory and it only succeeded in drawing her mother's attention to what she said to me and mum backed me up and made her say sorry.
We have a lovely relationship now, and she's never tried it on again.

[228agreenend]

Seven year olds do know right from wrong and there are some good suggestions above on how to tackle the remarks.

I think possibly ds is also,coming to terms with where he fits in the family. Ex dp and new wife have probably focused a lot on the baby and said that having the baby makes the family complete etc. Maybe ds feels a bit pushed out by this and is retaliating by being rude to you. It's not an excuse for his behaviour, just an explanation.

[EveryoneElsie]

I agree with the last couple of posts, you need to speak to DP and present a united front to deal with this.
He's not being a good role model or parent right now.

[happypoobum]

A couple of times now OP you have said DP doesn't know how you feel about it - why is that? I don't understand.

Please do not speak to DSS mother about this - that would be bizarre. You need to speak to DP. Tell him what DSS says is very upsetting and you want him to deal with these comments in a more appropriate way.

Good luck.