Was my dad a tit or AIBU?

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Went for dinner with my dad tonight, which we do fortnightly.

He was obviously a bit tipsy when I arrived, which reminded me of my childhood. Was texting some woman he's seeing (he lives with and is engaged to another woman who he moved in without consulting me when I still lived there) and said at one point 'oooh how embarrassing I've just sent a sexy text to the wrong person' balk

Talked about his new job/his life throughout, literally didn't once ask how I was. Got annoyed when I looked away while he was speaking or didn't seem to be listening.

When I went to pay I realised they don't take card, he shouted 'YOU KNOW THEY DONT HERE' (I don't, all the times we've been there he's payed, I usually choose to go elsewhere)

When I got back from the cashpoint he kept banging on about how his bus was in ten minutes and he couldn't miss it, when I mentioned that mine wasn't for 40 he got stroppy

I then became mildly furious and told him to just go home as I didn't want to spend time with him any more and god forbid he miss his bus, he left the table and muttered 'stupid bitch' under his breath.

I was raging, finished my drink and left.

Now still fuming. I was quite short with him a few times throughout the evening as I'm pre menstrual and a bit hungover but did I deserve that? I've been considering going NC with him because of how the relationship as I grew up has affected me but am trying to rebuild the relationship, hence the meals.

How/should I bring this up with him? Am I being oversensitive?

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Thank you, Limpid

To answer various questions this has raised, no the daughter no longer lives there, I have a sister who went NC with my dad(and therefore also me) about 10 years ago and no I don't have a partner or children

[AddictedToCoYo]

God grief he sounds beyond revolting. I think you are perfectly justified in going NC and I never say that lightly.

[LimpidPools]

I disagree with everything Liiinooo said after "He sounds absolutely awful". I'd imagine you tolerated far more than you should have.

Your father sounds like a nasty piece of work. An abuser who has been able to work on you your entire life. I'd imagine you barely know up from down after all that.

Who else do you have in your life OP? Did you grow up in his house? What became of your mum? Do you have siblings? A partner? Children?

Other posters are right in that you shouldn't have destroyed that USB stick. But then you know that yourself. They are not right to put so much blame on you. You had a panic reaction by the sounds of it and acted wrongly to protect someone you love. You're not the one who was filming someone else without their consent. Have you discussed this with your counsellor? You need to.

Also, this probably isn't an AIBU topic. It's emotionally complicated and painful and I think you belong in relationships. That said, the short answer to your original question is no, YANBU. Your dad was definitely being a tit. A complete wanker actually. Sounds like that's because he's not a nice man.

[ecuse]

Erm. That needs reporting to the police, we're in sex offenders register territory here. You know that, right?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Your father's performance at the restaurant is almost an irrelevance in light of your subsequent revelations.

Is he stillseeing this other woman? Is her daughter still in his home?

[CookieDoughKid]

Yes you should have acted on that piece of evidence. What your dad did was criminal and you will bear the guilt for the rest of your life. For fuck sake. If it was me, I would confront him about the filming and I would even go so far as threatening to tell the stepsister and her mother. He is a monster IMO and you are prepared to stay silent over it?! What if that was your daughter? That was someone's daughter and it's fucking sick.

How do you know he isn't filming someone else again without their consent?!!

[SilverBirchWithout]

You need to tell his GF and maybe the police, then go completely NC.

[blondieblondie]

He sounds like a horrendous human being! Did the stepsister never know about the filming?

You are better off without someone like that in your life. What if you have kids? Sure you could never trust him around them?

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Why would you even think yabu? You're clearly not!

[beetroot2]

No, Im not going to rip you to shreds. Maybe it is time to go no contact and make yourself better before even thinking about dealing with him again.

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Sorry for doing that. Just wasn't comfortable revealing something that big, then thought 'fuck it'


I know that in that situatuon IABVU

[BackforGood]

x-posted with that Massively story changing post....

[Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday]

Mmmmm, that's not a drip feed, yabvu to leave that piece of info out. All sounds a bit ominous now. What are you hoping for from this aibu?

[BackforGood]

If you are both as dependent on alcohol as it appears from your post, then maybe a meal out in the evening isn't the best way to keep in contact, as your relationship is already strained. Is there a time when you can talk when neither of you have been drinking? Maybe meet for a cuppa somewhere, or go for a walk together or something ?

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Also I'm prepared for being absolutely rpped to shreds for not acting on that in the way I should have. I destroyed the USB. I know I shouldn't have and feel like an evil person already for this

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Thanks everyone

Biggest ever dripfeed:
I found out before I moved out that he was filming my kind of stepsister (GFs daughter (17 at the time), he also moved her in) in the toilet. Found a USB stick with evidence.

Ready to be flamed but I basically hate him. Wondering how I let him now this

[beetroot2]

I'd just distance myself for a bit. Don't see him as often as you do. Definitely don't text him.

[Liiinooo]

He sounds absolutely awful, but by your own admission you have to shoulder some share of the blame - you say being pre-menstrual and hung over made you quite short with him on several occasions. So perhaps his rudeness was retaliation for any slights he felt coming from you?

Going NC sounds extreme under the circumstances. You meet regularly when there is absolutely no need to, so it seems that each of you wants to see the other one but you each have fallen into very unproductive behaviour patterns. Perhaps have a little break and in the meantime discuss this with your counsellor.

[icedcherrytea]

I agree don't text. When and if he gets in contact be busy.

[LuluJakey1]

Don't text him. Dump him. Cut him off.

[LuluJakey1]

He sounds awful. Not someone you would choose to go out with!

[Iknownuffink]

Don't text.

Go NC.

If and when he contacts you. Then and only then do you tell him of his appalling behaviour.

Otherwise you are on a hiding to nothing and he will convince you that you are in the wrong.

[BurningBridges]

Why text him? You feel that family should come above all? So you'd happily go out and be humiliated by this arse? I hope you are still having that counselling!

[RosieWithTheGoodHair]

Thanks, everyone.
I want to text him to tell him how angry I am because I don't think he gets it. I won't send said text until tomorrow as he'll predictably accuse me of being drunk.
Please help me write it?