AIBU.... to hope for a little kindness?

[Eliza22]

Situation: DS is 15 and has Aspergers. He has no friends. We are in the process of changing schools due to bullying. He is painfully shy and hugely socially awkward. He wants to be "normal" (his words) and "just fit in".

Recently, he has started to go down to the park. Takes his phone and keeps in touch with me regularly. Today, he kind of went off radar....not answering my texts and calls. It was only for ten mins but, I was starting to panic. Turns out, a group of 13 yr olds were having a go at him, took his phone, downloaded a picture of a lady in her undies and made it DS's screensaver. Then they wouldn't give his iPhone back to him. All passing it around. They were also eating biscuits and were crunching them up and shoving handfuls down ds's t shirt. Then, one boy put his hand down his (own) jeans and rubbed the hand on ds's face (????!!!!)

What the f**k is going on with kids these days? Why, when they see an obviously "different" kid, do they take the piss and abuse them, for fun?

Last year, something similar happened. The police were called. DS had his glasses broken and clothing torn. Police did nothing.

I'm at a loss. Why can't things be different for kids who are "different"? Is it too much to expect a little kindness?

[expatinscotland]

Oh, OP. ((((())))) My son has Asperger's and is very similar. He's only 7, I'm dreading this time.

[QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers]

Oh OP, . I'm so sorry that this happened to your DS, and for what he's had to go through in school.

This is one of my biggest fears for my dd (13) who has ASD. She was bullied relentlessly in primary school (mainstream). She had no friends at all. I fought tooth and bloody nail to get her into a special ASD secondary school. And I'm so glad I did. The school she is in is fantastic and she has so many friends now and is really happy there.

I have everything crossed for you that your DS is able to move schools soon.

[BoffinMum]

Totally agree with the idea of self-defence class. I have seen this work wonders.

[mrsfuzzy]

, just because the scum, er, kids come from a naice area, it does not say a lot, wonder if the parents know what their off spring get up to ?

[BusyNothings]

Your poor son =[ people like that make me angry - even if they are just kids.

On a more positive note have you looked into a local youth group or scout group to help him meet people in a controlled environment with people with experience helping to facilitate the situation?

[mrsfuzzy]

meant to say eliza, please keep us informed if you can, what happens, this might be an anonynous forum but we do care about stuff like this and we want to help if we can.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Some kids are just shits. Always has been the case, always will be the case. I agree that the police would be a good idea - the police knocking at the doors of these horrible kids might be what it takes for them to be more civilised.
The only thing I disagree with in your post is that you don't get why kids in a "naice" area who "want for nothing" can be like this. Money doesn't buy manners, and you can find good and bad in all income groups. I'm a secondary school teacher, and I honestly haven't found a relationship between bullying and kids having more or less income than others. Encourage your son to befriend good, kind children, however much or little money their parents have.

[JohnBarrowmaniac]

Reading this has made me so sad and so angry. I can't offer any advice but just wanted to send a hug. My brother has Asperger's (he is 53) and has struggled to fit in for much of his life. We belong to a church, however, and people there are kind to him and friendly.

[GasLightShining]

I actually feel sick to the stomach for what your DS is going through but at the same time nothing seems to surprise me anymore

If I found out my DS had done anything like this I would kick his bony little arse from here to kingdom

A PP mentioned self defence lessons. It would give DS confidence

[HeirOfNothingInParticular]

I am sorry I can't offer any constructive advice, but stories like yours make me want to weep. Your poor boy. My friend has a son who is a couple of years older than your D, and he attends a special school (sorry if that's no longer the right term) and has had horrendous bullying. It was always fobbed off because the kids that are doing the bullying have had horrendous upbringings etc. When my friends son was having difficulties, I was talking about it to my daughter who is a few years older, and she told me that the 'code of conduct' at her school was that you did not pick on disabled kids whatsoever. The geeks got bullied, but disabled kids was a step too far. My girl didn't do any bullying btw. She was in the smart but not 'popular' group. School is so horrible IMO

[BluebellTheDonkey]

My DS doesn't have SN but I have still been shocked by the behaviour of other boys at his large senior school, he's just coming to the end of Year 7 and has had to put up with being shoved, punched, told to F off, being pinned against a wall, having stuff like pens and water bottles nicked. He is a 'normal' boy with a good circle of friends. I can't imagine how much worse it must be for your DS
I honestly think some parents do not give a shit what their kids do and how they behave, I really believe that is at the heart of it. School are on top of it in lessons, but seem unable to control bullying at lunchtimes, in between lessons, end of the day.
DS has started self defence which has really helped his self esteem, and now we have sadly told him to hit back in self defence if necessary. Spent the last 12 years teaching him to be kind and respectful to others and now we're telling him the opposite.
Not much help to you OP but I really do sympathise and wish you all the best in getting it sorted

[Fluffyseagull]

That is so upsetting. Love to you and your son firstly I hope he's ok. I wasn't a nice kid but even I wouldn't do that to someone ! Police Defo x

[kazzacam]

Hi
Does your son have a statement?? If not, please go down this road as it will force the school to sort out these issues.
Apologies if this is already in place, xx

[WellErrr]

Those little bastards.

Please do ring the police. Even if they just go and have a word, it might shock the parents into action?

[ipsogenix]

I don't think I would let a boy of 15 in that situation go out by himself tbh. Finding friends for him is a very delicate job as he is probably very innocent and trusting. The idea of a church or scouts, or perhaps a computer club sounds like a much safer plan. If he really struggles with making friends and is really keen to get out and about, might you get him a dog to go along with him? The presence of a dog might put people off interfering with him. I worry about the idea of him hanging about in the park trying to join an existing group though. That does not sounds likely to work out well.

[DeadGood]

Eliza22 you're doing great. Your poor son. Teenagers can be like vultures.

I am close to someone who was like your son in secondary school. Now in her 20s, she has come into her own and has a partner, is doing great. Secondary school is so tough.

[Cabbagedcrust]

So sorry to read this, my oldest is 17 and has severe ASC, he's never had a friend in his life and it is heartbreaking. Some kids really are little shits. I know it's hard but you must try and stay strong and try and get some support for you as a parent. I've always found other ASC parents to be a great source of strength and advice and the best shoulder to cry on. Big hugs to you all. X

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I feel for you, this is the reason why my HF children do not go out alone they always have a carer very near by.

[toconclude]

annabelcaramel

special ed has nothing to do with it. I've know SN youngsters "included" all their school careers horribly picked on my non-classmates (and sadly by class mates actually) in their communities.
My ASD son went to a bloody brilliant [OFSTED 'outstanding' at every inspection] MLD primary school , without which he would certainly not be where he is now (with GSCEs, A levels and a degree). He only started being bullied when he was mainstreamed. I'm fed up with the automatic assumption that SN schools are all bad for kids and the naivety of the "inclusive ed is the only way for every SEN child and will transform societal ableism into acceptance" brigade.
There will always be those who solve their own worthlessness by picking on those they can see as "lower" in the pecking order. It might have been a homeless person in other places.
OP, hugs to you, it sucks. Try the police but don't hold your breath and what ever you do BE CAREFUL. The only time we confronted bullies (throwing stones) my husband was arrested because the lying little turds said he hit them.

[sadnortherner]

I'm so sad for what happened to your boy

I actually employ a young lad with Aspergers (23) in my office. He's painfully shy and socially awkward but he's such a nice quiet polite lad , I could imagine how some of the horrible shits at school must have treated him

Not long after he started, I gave him some constructive criticism on his work (in a perfectly nice way, just feedback really). Afterwards, he went to the toilet, was gone for about 20 mins and when he came back his eyes were red and wet.

Took him downstairs for a private chat and he was so scared I was going to fire him, he was shaking . Said that this was the first job in his life where people had made him feel welcome ,hadn't taunted him or gossiped about him or laughed behind his back when he couldn't join in the social banter.

Told him that if anyone in my business did that, they'd be out of the door before their feet touched the ground and I was going to give him all the help I could as would the rest of the team. He's gone from strength to strength since then

I guess the point of what I'm saying is that there will be people who will care for your son and make him feel welcome, who will believe him and make him part of a group. It's hard to imagine that for him now probably after what's happened but someone will show him kindness

[CocktailQueen]

Oh Eliza, I am really sorry to hear this. What little shits! Your poor ds.

I agree with going to the police. Also, contact the governors of the current school and tell them how shit the ht has been. Honestly, it is unbelievable to think that a school can be so shit. Your poor ds.

What are his interests out of school? What about games - computer, board, warhammer, that sort of thing? There are clubs he could join that he should be able to make friends at and enjoy. Big hugs to you and him.

[Cleebope]

Just offering empathy. How horrible. Your son is showing some independence in taking himself off to the park and is feeling lonely and looking for some company but he is so vulnerable. Hopefully he can make a nice friend somewhere soon and stick to safer places to go, like the cinema, bowling, golf etc. My bil has a similar personality and loves mountain biking to clear his head.

[ScarlettSahara]

This makes me so angry and sad.
My Dd has been bullied at primary school ( school failed to deal with it) and senior school ( swift action taken). She does not have ASD but some kids just sniff out anyone they think will react (how she was at primary) or who looks different or vulnerable ( how she felt at senior school).
I would still do as others have advised & report to police. Hopefully the parents will be shamed by a police visit ( or they may not care). Agree it can sometimes be theoretically advantaged kids who instigate bullying but who are either belittled themselves or not given much attention.
It is horrible. Does your son attend any local groups where he might get peer support and interaction? My heart goes out to you

[Foofoobum]

Reading stuff like this breaks my heart. I have had very similar experiences as I go through life and the teenage years were so very lonely. I became a people watcher to learn their rules and mannerisms and while I still don't get it quite right at times I can fake it for just long enough.

I'm sure kids can smell difference and I hate that they refuse to accept it. There will be other shy teens out there looking for friends it's just trying to get them all to meet up. Are there any youth clubs for autistic teens in the area? These are great supported safe spaces for your son to test out different social skills and to make friends. I highly recommend this and if one doesn't exist can you and other parents not consider setting something up. There will be funding available from various sources and fundraising would give the teens a purpose which is much easier when socialising than just small talk.