to go on this Hen night even though DH will get the Arse?

[Lertle]

One of my best friends is getting married in September and has invited me on her hen night at the end of August., it's a night out in Blackpool and we would be staying over the night in a hotel (we live about 100 miles away)

I just know DH will get the arse about it if I say I'm going, and if I don't go it will upset my friend

I don't know what to do for the best cos it's gonna piss someone off whatever i do so I can't win

I do actually want to go, I think it will be a laugh. and I hardly ever get to go out with 3 small dc

[coco1810]

Go! Go! Go! YANBU at all.

[Kimononono]

Go on the hen do.

It's nothing to do with being 100 miles away. It certainly is a trust issue as you will be staying over I suppose.

If you don't go you can forget about any other hen dos that might pop up.

My Dh is in Ibiza for six days on a stag. I'm going on a girls holiday next year. It really doesn't bother either of us

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

AF did the maths. One person (ie your DH) getting the arse is preferable to two. Minimise the arse!

[Atenco]

Eat, if you have children you will have to get this anxiety treated before they become teenagers.

[NameChange30]

Please don't show him the thread.
He sounds controlling, and showing him your mumsnet threads means that he will know your username and can stalk you on here.

[Lertle]

Thanks for all the replies

I'm thinking of showing him this thread .....X

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

I have ta Anchor, but really a lot of people live with a level of anxiety that is present but not at the point of treating. I go out. My partner goes out. We just don't forget the 2am text, regardless of how many tequilas we've had. I think a lot of people want that; it's really not that stifling :)

But if I was at the point of not wanting him to go out, god, I'd be straight back down the doctor's!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Stop pandering to his needless anxiety.

He is not a pathetic lump, is he?

Get started right now on a desensitisation programme.

Go out lots. At least once a week. Let him see that nothing bad happens. Don't pander to the anxiety at all.

You have learned to live with him going out to bars every weekend through experience. Give him the same opportunity to learn.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

But I don't try and hide it Write! And anxiety doesn't really listen to reason; I know bad things happen all the time, but my heart - my heart loves things sooooo much it won't take that chance; it will listen to any voodoo going to try and protect the people it loves. My brain tells it it's loony, but my heart literally won't risk. Not rational. But that's a mental health issue for you!

Just read OP that you say your DP does suffer with anxiety; please don't be mistaken, I am not saying it's okay for him to be pissy with you when you get back (because you will be going, because that's the right thing to do); what I will say is if he is pissy, you need to tell him that if he's saying that's because of anxiety he needs to get that treated. Anxiety that has a direct impact on the way you live your life and the decisions you make needs treating, because he would essentially be trying to get you to behave in such a way that minimises his anxiety. Which is 100% not on. A few texts to calm his nerves? Not a big deal. Grumpy if you go out? Totally not acceptable in anybody's book. And yes, all the cries of "controlling" would have a point.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Eat have you had any help for that? It sounds utterly stifling for you and your partner.

I sympathise, but I think you'd be a million times happier without the anxiety.

[WriteforFun1]

Eat, I think if this guy had anxiety he'd have to do as you do and try to hide it. I may be blasé but I lost loved ones in 9/11 and broke my back on an ordinary day at work. So bars and big cities mean nothing really, shit happens all the time. Also a Londoner all my life so big cities just don't link up with fear of anything p, except perhaps constant noise!

It is relevant because sadly I think it has nothing to do with op and could be resolved by regular checking in anyway.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

I can only speak for myself Write but I'm definitely the nervy type, or perhaps it's a hero complex; I don't know. Like if something happened to a loved one and they called me and I was too far away to help them when they needed me. And "big city", again I can only speak for myself but we're country folk! I actually lost a friend to a drunken weekend in Prague; failed to clock the tram lines :(

I wouldn't for a second expect my loved ones to live their lives in the shackles of my anxiety, but I'd expect them to treat my kindly for it I guess. I wouldn't hide it from them though, just in case they thought I was trying to control them. It's my burden ultimately, but I guess it's a little bit a joint burden for my partner too in all practicality.

Sorry, carried away, not relevant to the OP.

[WriteforFun1]

Eat, what is to be concerned about when an adult has gone for a night out? I note you specifically say big city as well, why is that a concern?

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

If I were him, I might be concerned about my partner being so far away in a big city on the piss too. And not being one to bottle things up I'd certainly exude the vibe of someone pretty uncomfortable with it.

Note: I would not be attempting to control you through "concern". I get that that happens, but I see no reason to believe it's happening here. Plus there is a perfectly plausible alternative, i.e. that the guy is actually concerned.

However, I would fully expect you to go. I was also hope you'd noticed my general wariness over the whole thing and out of kindness and consideration for my feelings I'd hope you'd text me the odd reassurance through the night so I wouldn't be going out of my box at home, finger hovering over the phone ready to dial all Blackpool's hospitals yes, I really am that anxious.

I also absolutely would not be a grump about it once you got home; I'd just be happy you got home safe and well. Being pissy after the fact, well that would be shit. And unreasonable. And make me wonder if it really was concern after all!

[molyholy]

He is not your boss, or in charge of your social life. He is supposed to be a supportive partner. Why wouldn't he want ypu to go out with your friends and have a laugh? Sounds like you rarely go out. Yabvu that you feel you need his blessing for a night out.

[WriteforFun1]

OP when you say he will get arsey, what will he do or say?

[LyndaNotLinda]

Why are to comparing how you'd feel with how he'd react? It's not about anxiety if he'd be an arse about it.

You're making excuses for him.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Just go, he can't stop you going out just because he doesn't like it . If it was a finance issue, or it would stop you having a family holiday, I would get it, but it's not doing either of those things, so he needs to get a grip!

[dowhatnow]

The anxiety thing, even if genuine, shouldn't be a reason not to go. You don't stop him gigging even though you feel anxious do you? I know he earns money from it but you will get enjoyment from this weekend. Both are reasons to overcome the anxiety.

[cees]

Life is to short to live with this crap, he is being a passive aggressive shit. Go

[nicenewdusters]

It doesn't matter why he doesn't want you to go. The fact that you know he's going to behave in a way that's making you reconsider a perfectly reasonable decision - hen night with a best friend - is the issue here.

You've said you'd be anxious about him but not be mardy. That's the difference, he's apparently anxious about you, but is making you doubt whether you should go because of how he'll act. You say you have a really good relationship. Can't you therefore sit down, allay his fears, and as a result he has no need to worry ?

How does he react when you go out generally ?

[AnyFucker]

If you go...one person will be mardy

If you don't....two people will be mardy. You and your friend. What lie will you tell her when you make your excuses ?

[TheNaze73]

I think in situations like this, the person who thinks the worse of their partner (male or female) is judging them by their own standards.
I think you should go, without question. You only get one go at life, don't let him control you like this

[DeadGood]

"I do actually want to go"

The way you have written this is really weird. You know that hen dos are meant to be fun, right? So it's not a "I do actually want to go" situation, it's more of an "obviously I want to go".

I know it seems like I'm nit-picking, but the fact that you feel the need to justify wanting to go out with your friends is noticeable.

Go, and tell your partner he can piss of if he has a problem with it. It's "ok because he makes money from it", is it? Did you actually sign up for a life of abstinence and Never Going Out when you started this relationship?

[Lertle]

In *some kind of trouble

Stupid auto correct