Love bombing? Help me understand it

[AtSea1979]

I'm at my wits end with DS. I know I'm handling him all wrong at the minute. I'm under so much pressure it's so hard to parent him. He's 11 but due to issues I feel my every move is under scrutiny.
Some one on another thread mentioned love bombing. AIBU to not have the foggiest what this means?

[Littlegreyauditor]

One on one time, do stuff together that he would enjoy, lots of hugs, make him feel loved, basically.

DS was feeling a bit fragile after Dd arrived, so we take time to do stuff with just him. He really enjoys eg going to a coffee shop with just me, getting a hot chocolate and chatting about whatever he feels like. Today we spent a day doing his choice of activity.

At least I think that's what it is.

[wowbutter]

Also, when he may need a time out, do a time in.
Force him to be with you, hold him, tell him you love him, and then ask for an apology.
It may increase his challenging behaviour for a while, but the research backs up results.

[MillyMushroom]

The principle is where the child chooses what will happen on a set day, and it is led by the child.
I have DT's who are undergoing assessment for ASD and I've done this with them individually and found it helpful. I always stipulate it doesn't involve buying loads of toys etc. It's about quality time and you sharing in their interest/choice of activity.

[steppemum]

the theory behind it is that a lot of behaviour is actually attention seeking behaviour. That the child deep down isn't feeling loved and secure, and so they kick off, kick against boundaries etc. Love bombing is giving them focused positive attention, letting them know they are loved and so making them feel secure, loved etc, and therefore decreasing the bad behaiour.

There is also the idea that you have a sort of love bank. When your love bank is full, you feel good, confident, loved, secure, happy. When your love bank is empty you feel the opposite of all that. Love bombing is about filling the bank up again.

Practically, you love bomb a kid by taking some time out of normal stuff. You let child set the agenda, go with what they want, lots of focused attention, lots of 1:1 time, and letting them know they are important, valued and loved. It can be a whole day. It can be a shorter time, it can be repeated as often as you need to.

[steppemum]

small example.
dd2 kicked off every morning. About nothing at all. I finally realised it was about school, she found it hard to transition every morning.

So, I did 2 things

1. when she started to kick off, instead of telling her off, I swept her up into a big cuddle and tickle.
   
2. In the morning when she got up I gave her a little bit of time, so she had touched base with me.

[TheWindInThePillows]

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Bombing-Childs-Emotional-Thermostat/dp/1780491379?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It's based on this book. I thought the book (and its author, of whom I am not very fond) was cuckoo when I first read it, but after having a rough patch not connecting, I tried it and it worked extremely well, it does exactly what he says- resets the relationship in a positive way.

It's not a miracle cure and I wouldn't just rely on that if there are other issues, but I think it can be helpful in breaking through a negative cycle where you just can't seem to have any positive interactions.

[NoMudNoLotus]

Wowbutter - absolutely .

I did this with my 2 DC - when they became out of control I didn't do the naughty step but held them in a " hold" on my lap ( basically just sitting on my lap refusing to let them go until they calmed ).

It was exhausting physically and emotionally - but it helped them to feel safe . Overwhelming emotions can be scary for children.

My DC have amazing healthy attachments and personalities - I don't know anybody else that has done it but it certainly worked for my children and me. To hold them from a point where they go from thrashing around screaming to actively hugging you back and having a loving resolution can only be a good thing - it really helps them to be able to regulate their emotions as adults.

[Imaginosity]

This explains it

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

[AtSea1979]

Thanks, I read the link but it's not very practical for me to do in full days as I have both my DCs most of the time with odd hours of 1-1.

[BertieBotts]

What is described on this thread as time in is not what time in is. Time in just means love bombing by another name. It's not about an immediate action which replaces time out.

Lobe bombing descriptions are spot on :)

[BertieBotts]

Gah typo sorry

[Artandco]

You can still do it with both children if you can't get 1-1 time. you can always let them both choose a game and play both with them for example. Or ask them to choose 5 activities to do from a list you choose each for summer holidays, so you do 5 things each but both get to do.

It's more just spending time. So at bedtime snuggle both into your bed and read to them longer than you usually do for example.

[NoMudNoLotus]

The phrase love bombing can be used in different ways Bertie - the one you describe is Oliver's - but there are other equally valid methods.

[SaveMeNoww]

Another love bomb approach that's far more achievable is to find the good and mention it - for example, find something to praise at every opportunity.

I've never had an 11 yo so I don't know how it would work with them, but with little ones it can be as simple as praising them for putting on shoes without messing around (whereas normally you might be telling them off for not knowing where their coat is or taking too long or whatever).

Another one is looking for ways to give them affection and pay compliments, so replace 'go get your shoes' with 'Mummy needs a big kiss and a cuddle then you need to go put on your shoes'.

Plus all the other together stuff, play games, watch tv but do it together and make sure there's eye contact, physical contact and playfulness.

[Ohnowattsthis]

We have always found 'thank you' a useful 'love bombing' tool. Just saying 'thank you' for waiting, putting your shoes on, etc. (toddler here!) I think it works because instead of saying 'good boy' etc you are strengthening your relationship at the same time. They feel grown up and apriciated. Plus they start naturally saying 'thank you' back,

[Imaginosity]

Full days seem a bit much for the parent and he child. I would have thought a quick outing somewhere for about 2 hours. After that id be sick of being so nice and so focused!

[AtSea1979]

imaginosity I'm glad it's not just me that thought that!
I guess I do a lot of these anyway but I need to make more effort to give the extra eye contact and change my communication to nicer/positive sentences rather than the focus on negatives.