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AIBU?

Am I being unreasonable to still be blaming everyone else? Regarding my son's accident. Mainly his Daycare.

60 replies

DeJong01 · 29/05/2016 20:27

Hi,

I'm from The Netherlands, so please bear with me.

At the beginning of January, my very special little boy lost his life.

He started Daycare when he was 3, it was a nice local one and it was so family like. I had looked at bigger ones and they seemed to just not fit what my son needed, so we went for the smaller one. He loved it there.

He would go on a Daycare Outing once a week. Usually the park or one time a month they would take him to a bigger trip out. The zoo for example.

He was 4 at the time, and they were taking the children to a fun park place. There were rides, and characters and some lovely little things for the children to do. I hadn't even been but I of course assumed it would be good, as his Daycare had chosen it.

There was a certain things which children his age could participate in which were mainly bouncy castles or things similar. I had him in the care of his Daycare, assuming that they would risk assess these things. I do not believe the floor protection was enough and I think any normal adult could see that. I don't know why anyone let any of the 4 year olds take part in it.

My son fell on to the floor, there was no protection. I still blame the workers at the place and the Daycare workers who didn't bother to think of safety. I am in pieces that no one else seems to see why I still have so much rage in me. They tell me not to blame other people as it isn't their fault and just a terrible accident. However, if things were done properly it never would have happened. I'm sorry, I finished counselling last week (I had 12 sessions) and I would have had a session today, so I think that's just what's making me need to express this anger again.

OP posts:

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TheSnowFairy · 30/05/2016 16:28

the anger will fade in time but it has only been a few months.

Look after yourself x

TurquoiseMoon · 30/05/2016 15:19

Definitely not, so sorry for your loss

KoalaDownUnder · 30/05/2016 10:04

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I would have so much rage in me too.

Sending you so much love and sympathy.

SolomanDaisy · 30/05/2016 09:34

There's not much point in people commenting on health and safety and risk assessments and supervision levels for nursery outings. All those things are completely different in the Netherlands, which doesn't have the UK's health and safety culture.

Teresalosingtheirleaves · 30/05/2016 09:29

Yanbu to be angry. It's perfectly natural. I would feel angry too.
I'm so very sorry for your loss and your deep heartfelt sorrow.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/05/2016 09:23

So sorry for the loss of your son.

I think how you're feeling at the moment is entirely natural, the anger I mean.

justmyview · 30/05/2016 09:18

OP, I''m so sorry for the loss of your son

It was wrong of me to post the link. I'm sorry if that added to your distress. I didn't think

youarenotkiddingme · 30/05/2016 09:02

I'm so sorry for the death of your son

I think it's natural to be angry and want answers. I second what previous posters said - can you continue therapy?

Creampastry · 30/05/2016 08:51

If this is ongoing with police involvement should you not get this thread removed as people are aware of who you are?

Gardenbirds123 · 29/05/2016 23:51

I am so so sorry that you lost your beautiful son. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. January is no time at all and I think its normal to still be raw and angry. To be honest I don't know if I would ever be able to let go of the anger, but I hope that you are able to find a way through it and that you have friends and family nearby. We are also all here to support you and remember your son together. Hopefully some lessons can be leant from the police investigation so that the gift of his short life will make a difference to many other children in the Netherlands and worldwide. Maybe channeling this aspect of the tragedy could help you navigate your way through it. With love Xxx

Appleand · 29/05/2016 23:10

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Rage and anger can be useful if they are channeled for example changing the playground requirements or legislation or making sure any inadequacies are corrected and, if needed, the people responsible caught. But please don't let the anger consume you.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 29/05/2016 22:47

I have nothing to offer but my deepest sympathy. Just reading your post made my heart ache for you, and yes, I believe you're entirely justified in feeling anger, too. You place your child in Daycare in the belief that he will be protected in the way you would, and he was let down by them (risk assessment should have covered it), and by the place itself, which should have been pulled up before even that.

But, I also appreciate what another poster said: anger is a healthy emotion, and a natural process in grief (more counselling may be worth it), but try - if possible - not to let it consume you. Sending much love to you

SilverBirchWithout · 29/05/2016 22:45

Without knowing the details of the accident, from your description it sounds as if the venue where the accident took place must have been at fault. If a child is fatally injured surely that indicates that the play equipment was unsafe and the supervision was inadequate?

Of course, if they were complying with 'normal safety standards' for such equipment, the safety standards are inadequate. From your description. I cannot see how the Daycare provider was at fault, unless they were visiting an unlicensed or an irregular venue or allowing an underage or under height child participate.

So sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you must feel, but can see how you need to have more answers and someone to take responsibility for what happened. Yes freak accidents can happen, but it seems that something needs to be done so that serious lessons are learned from this tragic event. Even if no one individual can be held responsible, it may help give you some slight form of peace if you know that changes are put in place as a result.

So sorry for you loss.

Beeziekn33ze · 29/05/2016 22:42

Very sad that this happened to your little boy. I don't think you are being unreasonable. The anger is part of your grieving.
On any trip 4 year olds should be constantly supervised by the adults who take them out. Also the management of the fun park should both ensure their attractions are safe and have staff to supervise the safety of children using them. Someone made a terrible mistake, I hoped lessons can be learned from it.

Katie0705 · 29/05/2016 22:30

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry about your son. My feeling is that you are still grieving, and you can't help how you feel. You can't change your feelings because someone has told you too! A close friend of mine has experienced something very similar to you, and her anger and frustration about not getting the answers she needed really did get in the way of her natural grieving process. I know you have been to counselling, but was this bereavement counselling or general. A specialised bereavement counselling service that helps parents may be useful to you.

You are very welcome to DM me if you want to talk further.

Very best wishes, Katie

Asprilla11 · 29/05/2016 22:28

OP - I'm sorry for your loss

I assume in Holland you have something similar to the 'Health & Safety Executive' which is what we have in the UK. These things should be investigated and can unfortunately take a long time to get to court, however someone is usually held to account if they are guilty of negligence.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 22:26

Oh op I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, how absolutely tragic & heartbreaking for you. Sending you love & strength & pray that in time, you find peace.
xx

talllikejerryhall · 29/05/2016 22:22

That is heartbreaking, I am so so sorry. I cannot imagine that pain of your experience.

AcornToOak · 29/05/2016 22:20

Im so so sorry for your heartache i don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest, i think you are being brave and strong and are an amazing person, and i can't imagine the pain you must be feeling don't listen to them that try to tell you how you should be feeling, those people have no idea, whatever emotions you are going through are more than justified

Liiinooo · 29/05/2016 22:18

Nothing to add really, just I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss.

My limited experience of the Netherlands is that it is a very safe, very regulated country which must have made the shock of your son's accident even greater.

One thing I do know is that there is no such thing as a 'wrong' emotion. If you are distraught or angry then stay with that. Express it in a safe place and mourn your wonderful son as you need to do. I am also sorry to hear your counselling has come to an end. Whilst some things can be worked through in twelve weeks it sounds like you need more - and not surprisingly. Can you arrange anything else?

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

WiIdfire · 29/05/2016 22:18

I would think it is quite normal to be angry, it must be awful. In order to try and stop the anger taking over, perhaps it would be useful to channel it? Ask yourself what you want to achieve, to help you move forward. Do you want the fair investigated and closed if necessary? Do you want legislation changed regarding day care? Do you just want someone to admit fault?
Can you use your anger to prevent this happening again?

DeJong01 · 29/05/2016 22:15

Yes, the police are involved, but I don't think anything will come of it

OP posts:

DeJong01 · 29/05/2016 22:14

Thank you so much for the comments. I would share his name, but I would hate for it to lead to any other reports (though, to be fair, I don't think there were any others). I don't think it was just an accident, well, of course it was. However, who doesn't leave protection on the floor of a 1 1/2 ft ride? It isn't fair and he was too little or innocent to see the dangers of it. That's what the adults there were supposed to be doing. Yes, the actual accident was New Years' Eve. He was in hospital for a short time after. My poor little baby boy. Thank you so much for your kind words again x

OP posts:

Toomuch2young · 29/05/2016 22:11

Oh my god, I am so so sorry

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/05/2016 22:08

.I'm so sorry for your tragic heartbreaking loss. Of course you're not being unreasonable and your anger is well validated. I can't understand why people don't understand why you're full of rage and hurt. Who wouldn't be. Absolutely you want answers, and you deserve them
I thought by law they had to do a risk assessment for a day out.
Is there going to be a inquest.

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