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AIBU?

what do do about my life

52 replies

younglove123 · 28/05/2016 20:39

Hi my partner and I have been together 10 yrs never been on holiday, away for a weekend together don't do anything together, (cinema, nights outs meals) we have two young kids and no support from our parents so cant do these things. I have the same routine everyday don't no what to do the only friend I have is moving away any ideas WHAT CAN WE DO?

OP posts:

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awhfuck · 28/05/2016 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterViktorine · 28/05/2016 21:24

It sounds like you need to forge your own life a little bit.

What would you like to do for yourself?

stubbornstains · 28/05/2016 21:27

Well, if he's sitting there every night you could go out on your own... start with a course, maybe, or a club, or a community volunteering group...what do you fancy doing?

defineme · 28/05/2016 21:29

You love each other to bits but he won't sit next to you or interact with you? You have the whole evening...if the kids are in bed then ehst hsrm can they come to with a babysitter. I started a babysitting circle with parents i met at playgroup so we just took turns babysitting for each other-my kids didn't wake up once in the 8 years we did it!

Shakey15000 · 28/05/2016 21:31

I agree, what about doing something for yourself for an evening (or more). Walking group? Book club? Something else local?

Creasedupcrinkle · 28/05/2016 21:32

Your mum can't lose them if they're tucked up in bed before you go out!

Creasedupcrinkle · 28/05/2016 21:32

Yes yes to doing Own Thing!

Greenyogagirl · 28/05/2016 21:35

Seems like you're both stuck in a rut. I have never and will never have a babysitter it just makes me ill thinking about it! But I'd pop them into nursery (free hours) for 3 hours a day and during that time do a course (pay monthly or free course) find a hobby, do something for you! Talk to partner, ask why you don't do stuff together, why won't he sit next to you? If he's depressed has he been doctors? If he hates his job he needs to start looking for a new one.

younglove123 · 28/05/2016 21:36

I have low self esteem and no confidence and my mum even puts me down says I'm not good enough I always have to look after every one else there is no time for me and I havent a clue what I could even do. when it comes to the end of the day I'm shattered, even after I had my 2nd kid 23hours after having her I went from the hospital to the shop do my weekly shop because there was nothing in the house

OP posts:

Greenyogagirl · 28/05/2016 21:39

Partner needs to help you more, tell him he needs to go doctors for his depression and start helping you before you have a breakdown. Go get your hair done, buy a new dress, try a few hobbies X

Kenduskeag · 28/05/2016 21:42

OK look, this isn't about how to spend a nice evening, this is about shaking up your life. You've got fairly poor parents, I'm gonna guess not a great education or job prospects and what sounds like a crap husband - 'trust issues', doesn't like spending time with you, lazy.

Can you afford to go to work and get a job (ie: put the kids in nursery?)

Can you toss out the deadbeat husband?

Can you stop speaking to the deadbeat mother? She doesn't even babysit and she's unpleasant to you, so there's really no benefit in continuing the relationship. You'll feel better not having her put you down.

It's tough. It's really tough. Everything's gone a bit wrong and it'll make some big changes to make it better. But thankfully, this isn't the 1950s and you're not lumbered with your loser husband and no prospects. You can start again. Even just a simple job in a shop, café or some other place local to you will boost your self-esteem and make you feel that yes, you really can do this. Given that your husband is of no support, you truly are the only one who can do this. Look into your free hours. Look round a nursery. One will make you feel really good, a really nice gut feeling. That's the one. And that will be the first step to fixing it all.

ohtheholidays · 28/05/2016 21:48

If he'd depressed my love and he loves you he needs to go to the Dr's and get some help,for your sake and for the sake of your children as much as for his own sake!

I'm not surpised you don't trust your Mum or his from what you've said about them.Like others have said have you ever tried having a date night at home?A nice take away or a dine in for two meal from M&S,stick on a movie,or play cards or a board game.

But what ever is going on with your partner he needs to start helping out with the children and around the house and he needs to start showing you affection when sex isn't on his agenda.Being treated like that isn't great,you deserve more OP.

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2016 21:50

Who the hell suggested he became a stay at home dad?!

Tonkatol · 28/05/2016 21:52

What do you do during the day? Are there no parent and toddler clubs that you could go to? Usually they only charge a nominal entrance fee and it would give you the opportunity to mix with other mums and your children the chance to play with others in a safe environment. It's not easy starting something new but if you were to go to the same group for two or three weeks, you would probably get to know a couple of parents who you could try and build a friendship with; that way maybe you wouldn't feel so lonely and isolated.

readytorage · 28/05/2016 21:57

Do things WITH your children.

I genuinely believe that you set children up well in life by including them in aspects of family life. Ask your eldest where they'd like to go and make a wee day of it.

Take them to restaurants, take them to days out, weekends away.

They'll thank you for it later

notagiraffe · 28/05/2016 22:07

Hi OP
Sorry your life is in such a rut. But it's a good sign that you want it to change. Have you discussed this with your DP? Ask him what he would like to do - if he has any dreams small or large? Try and make some of them happen.
I agree with the poster who said if you can't go on dates with your partner, start doing fun stuff together as a family. It doesn't have to be big or expensive stuff but it might be fun to do things you've not done before.
If you can get £100-150 saved up that's enough for a cheap 4 night break in June in an apartment or caravan - somewhere like Park Resorts by the sea with swimming pool and play parks on site. here

You could print off that list from the National Trust of things every child should try at least once before they're 11 3/4. It's just a list of fun ideas of outdoor stuff to do, usually for free, with your DC. here

Don't know if they still do, but you used to be able to get into lots of major theme parks etc on Nectar points. If you always shop at the same supermarket, you build up points. We used to use them twice a year - once in summer to go to Legoland or Chessington and once at christmas to pay for the Christmas shop. Feels like you're getting stuff for free.

I know that's not going to change your life, but it's amazing how small things help get you out of a rut. While you're out in the fresh air with DC you can chat with DH about what he'd like from life and what you'd like and see if you can come up with a list.
My DH got into a rut when DC were that age. I found the best way was to surprise him with things that got bigger gradually - a day out, a weekend away with DC etc. If you could find a PT job from home, not easy when DC are so small, but even taking in ironing for a few hours a week would mean you've enough saved for a cheap weekend away after a couple of months. Band once you have some money of your own, you have the power to make small changes to family life and spend it on fun.
When I get in a rut I make a list of things I want to do that year - some expensive or far fetched dreams, some tiny and easily achievable but that I just haven't got round to (like making popcorn with DC) Then I just try and do a set number each week. It gives you energy having small goals like this and it's a lot of fun.

notagiraffe · 28/05/2016 22:07

Sorry - had no idea that was such an essay!

Handsoffmysweets · 28/05/2016 22:32

Green why would you not use a babysitter but put your children in nursery? Not being goady, just curious. The babysitter that I use has level 3 safeguarding, nvq level 3 early years, first aid, DBS blah blah - the same as a nursery teacher would have.

38cody · 28/05/2016 22:44

Get kids in state nursery and school asap - think about what you want to do and then work out a plan to achieve it - if you don't love him - get rid. Take control.

younglove123 · 28/05/2016 23:25

Thanks guys for all your suggestion and comments. Just had a chat with him going to take the kids to the park tomorrow not much but its a start but will have to see how that goes. fingers crossed

OP posts:

notonyurjellybellynelly · 29/05/2016 03:48

Another one here recommending childcare.uk

My children use them for my grandchildren when they're on holiday in the UK.

VioletBam · 29/05/2016 04:53

Calleigh where did you get "trust issues" from from what OP said?

I'm like the OPs partner...I never left my children with a babysitter. Not from an agency or anything....when they're small enough to be non verbal I just felt unhappy at the thought.

Doesn't mean I'm controlling!

We never had friends to leave them with and family all worked. Wasn't an option.

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curren · 29/05/2016 06:31

How old are you?

CheerfulYank · 29/05/2016 06:37

Violet the OP herself said trust issues.

notagiraffe · 29/05/2016 08:35

Have a lovely time at the park., OP. When children are tiny it's the hardest time in any marriage. Many of us felt trapped and in a rut at that stage. Really hope you're on your way out of it.

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