AIBU if I don't tell an old friend before I move away? (Long post)

[Wheresthewine36]

Ok, so I have a bit of a dilemma.
Bit of background first. I have been best friends with the same woman, Jane, since we were 14 year old girls. For 22 years, we were very, very close and even had our children in a similar time-frame.
Cracks began to show in the relationship about 5 years ago as I began to feel it had become very unbalanced, with me constantly providing practical, financial and emotional support while she didn't really offer very much in return. It eventually got to the point where I began to feel that unless I was doing something for her (looking after her children etc.) I was surplus to requirements.
In January of this year, we went on a planned weekend away with another of our close friends, Lily. It was arranged the previous Autumn and we booked theatre tickets/hotel etc. as a Christmas present to each other. At the time of arranging, Jane made things quite awkward as although she said she wanted to come, she was quite negative about it - insisting on only staying for one night instead of 2 and eventually booking her room at a different hotel to myself and Lily - she explained this as an error on her part as we had looked at 2 hotels. I was hurt and pissed off by all this, as was Lily, but let it go as I knew if I didn't, it would be portrayed as me being "controlling" (I admit I am one of those people who likes to be organised - I like to know what time we are going somewhere etc., whereas she is more relaxed about times and doesn't make/stick to plans).
Anyway, myself and Lily went to the hotel on the Friday, had a lovely day/night and were joined the next day by my Jane. She was supposed to be getting to our hotel around 12ish so we could all go for lunch etc. before the show but she didn't actually arrive until 5pm so we had a quick dinner before heading to the theatre.
Afterwards, we went back to our hotel and had a couple of drinks. Whilst there, our mutual friend was talking about a crappy situation with her partner and I was commiserating, in the vein of "why are men such wankers?". At this point, Jane began to extoll the virtues of her partner and tell us what a shame it was that we were both in awful relationships with awful men. Which I wouldn't have minded too much if a) her partner wasn't actually a massive douche-bag and b) my partner is was actually pretty alright and c) it was pretty insensitive to Lily who was actually having a shit time of it and didn't need her nose rubbed in a "perfect relationship" (albeit an imaginary perfection!).
So, Jane and I got into an argument, I asked her several times to tell me how she was feeling and why, she said she didn't want to talk about it then accused me of looking down my nose at her. I snapped back that perhaps she felt that way because I am always the one that knows one she's when she's fucked up because I'm the one she calls when everything goes to the shit and I am the one who picks the pieces up!
I don't regret saying what I did, it is true and it had been a long time coming. We have not spoken since that night. It was an argument she created and this is borne out by Lily, too. Lily has told Jane that she feels the argument arose because of Jane t if she wants to try to salvage the relationship, she should call me so we can talk about it and at the very least clear the air. She has never called. I miss the relationship we used to have but not the one we had for the last 3-5 years because I felt un-valued and manipulated.
My son, whom Jane has known and been a part of his life since birth, recently turned 18. Jane did not send a card or any sort of message to him.

My dilemma is that I am now organising a family move. I currently live a 20 minute walk from Jane and we have lived this close for the last 15 years.
The move will mean we will be a two and half hour drive away.
A big part of me wants to go without saying a word, but i have this niggling voice in the back of my mind saying "what if she needs you and you aren't there?"
What would you do?
p.s. Sorry for the novella!

[LupoLoopy]

+1 for just go. Trust me, the trained 'guilt' dissipates. After it does you're able to look back analytically and question why you left it so long to detach.

[OliviaStabler]

I'd just move and not say anything. The relationship has clearly broken down and you will not regain the good part of the friendship you once had.

[Wheresthewine36]

Watchamacallit The night we had the argument, I didn't actually pour out all the feelings of being unappreciated on the night of the argument. Very little as actually said that night because I sensed that letting it all out would lead to a huge row, which wouldn't have been fair on Lily. We did have a previous altercation about a year before, though, which led me to writing her a letter telling her how I felt and asking her how she felt about the friendship. She never replied. About 3 weeks after I'd sent the letter and we'd had no contact, there was a crisis involving her children, she called me for help and I helped. The argument and letter weren't really discussed, just a "you're right, I'm sorry".
We gradually went back to me feeling like I was a safety net for when things weren't going great.
Having said that, we still had times when we would meet up and have a great time. There are very few people in the world who can make me laugh like she can - full-on, can't breathe, wondering if this is going to be the thing that kills me laughter. They just got gradually fewer and further in between.

Dailymail, although Jane and I are the same age, many other friends commented that it was akin to a mother/daughter relationship. She had been quite badly bullied but this stopped when we became friends and since then I have been her support network - her family are close by but don't provide her with support.
She can find normal day to day life a struggle and quite often needed help with getting up for work/getting the children to school/picking the children up/holiday care etc. I think she is almost certainly somewhere on the autism spectrum but has never been diagnosed.
I'm just trying to explain why there is still a part of me which feels a.bit responsible for her. Which I know is ridiculous but it keeps.creeping up in my head. On the other hand, maybe she's right, and that's part of my controlling nature coming out :-/

[Floggingmolly]

Run and don't look back.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

She didn't acknowledge your son's birthday so I don't see why you'd tell her you're moving.

I know you're worried about her needing you, but your friendship has all been about her needing you and not getting any support in return. If the only reason for her to contact you is because she needs you then nothing has changed.

[IcedCoffeeToGo]

Just leave.

[margiebargie]

Just go. Time to move on.

[Alwayschanging1]

You have done everything you can - you have tried to sort it out a year and failed. Time to move on. Literally!
She will always be able to get in touch through family and friends if she wants to. But I suspect that now you will be too far away to provide the help she expects, her interest in the friendship will wane anyway.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - in the nicest way, maybe not controlling, but perhaps 'over organising' that you feel you have to plan in advance for your friend having a crisis that you won't be able to help out with, that you have to highlight now to someone who is not currently your friend or in need of help that you are moving 2.5 hours away so that if she does contact someone in a panic she needs to line someone else up.

You don't need to reorganise the support network of someone who's no longer your friend to account for the fact that you are moving away and she doesn't know about it because she's not spoken to you for 4 months. She might need to reorganise her support network, but you are not currently part of that because you aren't friends. She can arrange her own network of friends.

You aren't responsible for her.

[handslikecowstits]

Sounds to me OP that you like feeling needed. My previous advice still stands: just go.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Just go, you know she wouldn't be there for you if you needed her and you've done your time being there for her too. Lily will presumably have your details and if Jane is that desperate she can ask Lily.

[notagiraffe]

Think I'd move and say nothing. If, in honesty, she's no longer someone you welcome in your life, then now is a good time to make a clean break from her. It sounds like a very draining friendship. I had one for about 15 years and was so relieved when we fell out irrevocably. It was a weight off my mind, time, emotional energy and purse.

[notjusttheirmum]

I think after so long helping her out surely it is time you helped yourself out.
You are moving away so I think it would be time for you to start fresh, which will also help her depend on herself and not just those around her.
Maybe tell her, just a letter again, explain why you are hurt, include that you are moving, leave the door open for her to contact you. But this relationship is going to change and with distance will never be the same, however given what you said about the last several years I can't see that being a bad thing.
You need people in your life that improve it.

[eddielizzard]

don't say anything.

you're not responsible for her and she seems to have moved on too. perhaps she realised you wouldn't be taken advantage of anymore.

treat this as a clean break. if she really wants to get in touch she can easily find a way.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I think you perhaps ought to take slightly more responsibility for the dynamic between you and Jane. It sounds as though she's been trying to stay out of your orbit for sometime now - only really calling on you when she's desperate for help and deliberately (it would seem) ensuring that the weekend away didn't force her to share too much time or intimacy with you. And then when she finally tells you how she feels - that you look down your nose at her, you confirm it. So maybe she has been feeling that way for a lot longer, and maybe with good reason. I don't know - I'm just pointing out that she has been giving you indicators over a period of time that you aren't as nice to her as you seem to think, but your response hasn't been to be nicer. It's been to reinforce that power dynamic. Maybe she finally grew out of appreciating feeling mothered by you but she didn't handle the transition well and you didn't recognize it.

But that doesn't mean you should contact her just to say you are leaving. If you are done with the friendship then just go. If you want to try and get back the friendship you use to have years ago, then contact her and see if there's a way to reconnect. Take her comment about you looking down your nose at her at face value and see if you can both have a candid conversation where you recognise that you both have a lot to offer each other if you can get over the last few years and start relating to each other differently. It might even be easier if you're a 2.5 hour drive away not to fall back into the old dynamic.

[Wheresthewine36]

DinosaursRoar, thank you for softening the blow, "over-organising" is a very acceptable alternative!
Handlikecowstits (didn't think I'd be typing that today) you are probably right there, I do like to feel needed.

I think I'm struggling with the idea of just leaving it like this...after 22 years, it just seems like such a damp squib to go out on! She never really said how she was feeling, apart from that one comment about me looking down my nose at her but she was angry enough to be shouting and to storm off so there are obviously aspects of the friendship that were pissing her off. I don't know why, but I really, really want to know what I did to make her feel like that. I suppose I feel like leaving so much unsaid doesn't do justice to the friendship we had.
I know you are all right but it makes me sad that it's died out like this.

[shinynewusername]

Presumably she knows your mobile number and email address? So it's not as if you are disappearing without trace, leaving her to worry that you have been taken by the zombies. I wouldn't tell her.

[Atenco]

I would make one last effort, OP, but that is my nature. I think you could write her a letter telling her about your move and take the opportunity to tell why you value her friendship. You could include that lovely description of her ability to make you laugh.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

I had a friend who sounds a little like Jane, definitely on the autism spectrum and needed someone to bolster her in some ways in order to function. Towards the end of our friendship I felt like you had, that I was only really good enough when something was needed. When we had our argument that ended it she told me I looked down my nose at her, and I responded similarly to you! Strangely I always felt she was looking down her nose at me.

I didn't understand what she told me at the time, because it was all so odd to me. I didn't look down on her at all. I definitely despaired of her though, she refused to help herself and lied to me a lot I later found out. I now realise that what she needed from me was something I wasn't able to give because she thought friendship meant agreeing with everything regardless of whether you did or not, whereas I thought friendship meant being honest - not mean - with each other. We had come to a complete disconnect at some point but felt some sort of requirement to be friends with each other.

I don't miss the woman from the end of the friendship. But I miss the laughs and being able to call her and tell her the latest drama or laughs and discussing things in the way we used to.

because losing a long term friendship isn't much different to losing a romantic relationship

[Wheresthewine36]

BoomBoom You might have a point and I think that why I'm finding it hard to just let it go. The night of the argument, both myself and Lily asked her to stay and talk things out but she wouldn't so I never got to hear her side of it. I'm not so self-absorbed that I don't recognise she may have some genuine reasons to be pissed off at me but why not tell me what they are? I think after 22 years of friendship, honesty is the least we can offer each other.

I don't look down my nose at her - I think she feels I do because I am the one person who has been with her through various good and not good episodes in her life.

[HazelBite]

Reading all your posts Op I would suggest that you send her a little note with your new address and perhaps a comment along the lines of "up to my eyes with the move, so busy etc etc" so that you stop feeling guilty about not contacting her to tell her of your move.

See if she sends you a "new Home card" (I don't think she will)

Send her a card at Xmas and see if she reciprocates, by then if she hasn't contacted you in the meantime you know where you stand.

That way you haven't cut her completely adrift, but the ball is in her court if she wants to continue the friendship, and you haven't been unfriendly either IYSWIM

[MatildaTheCat]

I am very loathe to leave things on a sour note after such a long friendship. Ok,the closeness is over but you have a huge shared history, most of it very happy. There is also the potential that you might end up having to meet again in the future. Perhaps Lily's DC will get married and you will both be invited....or whatever. It would lead to a lot of worry and awkwardness.

I think that the very fact you are posting here demonstrates that you aren't really comfortable with just leaving with this unpleasant atmosphere lingering. It shows you are a nice person.

I would send a change of address card and write a note on the back saying its a shame you are no longer close ( could be interpreted as emotional or geographical) but you will always remember the great times you shared and wish her well in the future.

Then you can relax and leave with a clear conscience. That's what I would do anyway. You just never know, a sudden illness or catastrophe can happen at any time and it's so much easier to know you ended things the best way you know.

Good luck with you move and new life, it sounds very exciting.

[Wheresthewine36]

Strictlymum, it all sounds pretty much identical. Thank you for the flowers. It has actually hit me harder than any romantic break-up ever has and your post has made me realise that it's ok to be sad and upset about it. When our friendship worked, it was the sort of friendship that was unshakable - a bottle of tequila each and 6" heels and we'd still walk home together at the end of the night, singing and laughing. The friendship was better than any relationship I've ever had with a man so why shouldn't I grieve it?x

[WhatHo]

If you rely on someone to help you out all the time, in the moments when you don't need help and aren't feeling weak, that parent/child dynamic stops being reassuring and becomes aggravating. You feel like a teenager and become resentful. You see them as patronising rather than caring, as bossy and controlling rather than thoughtful and kind. Is it fair? Probably not. Is there a grain of truth in her perception that you talk down to her a bit? Possibly...?

I would say this is the issue: the 'looking down your nose' comment totally stems from that kind of feeling. I have been there and I behaved quite badly with one friendship. It had got so unequal it felt like wearing a badly fitting jacket. I really do regret how I behaved (childishly, thus kinda proving her perception of me...) and we didn't speak for 3 years. I had to really work to become her friend again, but when we did it was on equal terms - we call each other for chats and advice rather than me being the baby. Far better for both of us.

So, to your situation, as parents have to let teenagers go, you have to do the same. Your friendship has become unbalanced, and in this state, is over. It may not be over forever but is for now.
Totally up to you if you want to send her a change of address in the post with your new details, it would probably be the polite thing to do and leaves the door open but FFS don't call her or write her a letter or anything. It's time for her to do the chasing and behave like an adult.

[HappyNevertheless]

To b honest, I think Jane has already severed the relationship.
It's 6 months since you've had that argument and in that time she has never contacted you.
Seen what has happened in the past, she would normally have called you with some emergency, wouldn't she?

So I think the answer is that Jane has drawn a line on your friendship anyway.

On the other side, you don't own her anything. Maybe, actually having to stand in her two feet wo relying on you to pick up the pieces will help (and maybe she actually got ressentful of it too - not because you did things she didn't want).

I would leave your details to Lily. If Jane really wants to contact you, she can ask Lily.