AIBU if I don't tell an old friend before I move away? (Long post)

[Wheresthewine36]

Ok, so I have a bit of a dilemma.
Bit of background first. I have been best friends with the same woman, Jane, since we were 14 year old girls. For 22 years, we were very, very close and even had our children in a similar time-frame.
Cracks began to show in the relationship about 5 years ago as I began to feel it had become very unbalanced, with me constantly providing practical, financial and emotional support while she didn't really offer very much in return. It eventually got to the point where I began to feel that unless I was doing something for her (looking after her children etc.) I was surplus to requirements.
In January of this year, we went on a planned weekend away with another of our close friends, Lily. It was arranged the previous Autumn and we booked theatre tickets/hotel etc. as a Christmas present to each other. At the time of arranging, Jane made things quite awkward as although she said she wanted to come, she was quite negative about it - insisting on only staying for one night instead of 2 and eventually booking her room at a different hotel to myself and Lily - she explained this as an error on her part as we had looked at 2 hotels. I was hurt and pissed off by all this, as was Lily, but let it go as I knew if I didn't, it would be portrayed as me being "controlling" (I admit I am one of those people who likes to be organised - I like to know what time we are going somewhere etc., whereas she is more relaxed about times and doesn't make/stick to plans).
Anyway, myself and Lily went to the hotel on the Friday, had a lovely day/night and were joined the next day by my Jane. She was supposed to be getting to our hotel around 12ish so we could all go for lunch etc. before the show but she didn't actually arrive until 5pm so we had a quick dinner before heading to the theatre.
Afterwards, we went back to our hotel and had a couple of drinks. Whilst there, our mutual friend was talking about a crappy situation with her partner and I was commiserating, in the vein of "why are men such wankers?". At this point, Jane began to extoll the virtues of her partner and tell us what a shame it was that we were both in awful relationships with awful men. Which I wouldn't have minded too much if a) her partner wasn't actually a massive douche-bag and b) my partner is was actually pretty alright and c) it was pretty insensitive to Lily who was actually having a shit time of it and didn't need her nose rubbed in a "perfect relationship" (albeit an imaginary perfection!).
So, Jane and I got into an argument, I asked her several times to tell me how she was feeling and why, she said she didn't want to talk about it then accused me of looking down my nose at her. I snapped back that perhaps she felt that way because I am always the one that knows one she's when she's fucked up because I'm the one she calls when everything goes to the shit and I am the one who picks the pieces up!
I don't regret saying what I did, it is true and it had been a long time coming. We have not spoken since that night. It was an argument she created and this is borne out by Lily, too. Lily has told Jane that she feels the argument arose because of Jane t if she wants to try to salvage the relationship, she should call me so we can talk about it and at the very least clear the air. She has never called. I miss the relationship we used to have but not the one we had for the last 3-5 years because I felt un-valued and manipulated.
My son, whom Jane has known and been a part of his life since birth, recently turned 18. Jane did not send a card or any sort of message to him.

My dilemma is that I am now organising a family move. I currently live a 20 minute walk from Jane and we have lived this close for the last 15 years.
The move will mean we will be a two and half hour drive away.
A big part of me wants to go without saying a word, but i have this niggling voice in the back of my mind saying "what if she needs you and you aren't there?"
What would you do?
p.s. Sorry for the novella!

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Glad you've come up with something that will make you feel ok about things. Whilst you don't necessarily owe her anything, you do owe yourself peace.

what you sound lovely. I'd love to think that if my friend came back with the insight you have we could build a decent even footed relationship again. I'm glad you and your friend have rebuilt too.

[Wheresthewine36]

Thank you for all your advice, ladies. I think I'll send her a change of address card when I've moved, just so I've left the door open.
I would hate to think of her turning up at my door after I've left, she would see that as a huge rejection and I know she wouldn't ask Lily for my address if that happened because she is very black and white...and stubborn. Hopefully we might one day be able to reclaim some of the relationship and the physical distance will prevent me from sliding back into the "background artist" role.
Thanks again, ladies.xx

[Atenco]

WhatHo What wonderful self-knowledge, I would love to call someone like you a friend.

[daisychain01]

Personally I wouldnt feel the need to let the friend know I'm moving.

Nowadays it has never been easier to relocate someone again with all the internet and mobile connectivity available these days.

If she's that bothered, she can seek you out. If you don't hear from her, you'll be able to read the message loud and clear. And at least you won't have made even more emotional investment in her. Sounds a very one sided friendship.

[WhatHo]

You too strictly
this is exactly what happened:
but by the end I couldn't differentiate between when she was after me to mother her and when she just wanted to have a moan.

[WhatHo]

You too strictly

[WhatHo]

Wheresthewine36 - truly, you have zero need to justify yourself, you are not at fault here. I was just trying to explain her behaviour a bit based on my experience. You definitely deserved a proper friendship, not 7am calls.

You'll note I, not she, was the one who behaved badly at the end. I wasn't strong enough to stop using her as a crutch, and then I resented the dynamic that had grown up between us when I didn't 'need' her anymore. And rather than behaving like an adult and telling her she was being a bit patronising, I was rude and awkward and unpleasant ( just like a teenager) until she gave up on me. I had to prove myself to her 3 years later, and rightly so. She also needed that gap to reevaluaute me.

[Winterbiscuit]

Did you ask for Jane's support? Could it be that she saw you as strong, and didn't realise you needed it? Did you tell her how you were feeling so she had the chance to change things and sort it out? It sounds like perhaps the two of you weren't communicating as well as possible and it led to misunderstandings and upset. You also sound like quite different kinds of people, neither "better" or "worse" than the other, but perhaps not similar enough to be friends any more. I think you should either get in touch for a proper heart-to-heart talk with no judgement on either side, or just leave and you can both move on to other friendships.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

what ha, you've sort of hit the nail on the head with my old friendship too. Like wheres I just wanted a friend, not another child. I think my xf wanted a friend sometimes too, but by the end I couldn't differentiate between when she was after me to mother her and when she just wanted to have a moan.

It took me a while to figure that out about our friendship. One of the things that reminds me not to make the first move into going back (it was always me who did if we had small fall outs) is that I don't want to be suckered back into those roles. They're not helpful to either of us.

If you can't mourn an ended friendship, it wasn't a friendship at all I reckon.

[Sundance01]

Simple

If you want to resurrect the friendship tell her and hopefully use it as a way of breaking the ice to hug and make up

If you are not really bothered about the friendship then just go and accept its over.

Only you know how you feel - there is no right or wrong answer

[Goingtobeawesome]

I had a twenty year friendship where she upset me a lot but only once did I upset her. I apologised and on we went for many more years. Then a year or so ago she upset me again and we had post back and forth twice where I explained my feelings and acknowledged I probably wasn't expressing myself very well but then carried on my letter as I have for two decades. Got nothing back. Months later a dramatic text purporting to be from a friend but on her phone. Twenty years chucked away because I told her she had really upset me.

Some people are just unfathomable.

[Wheresthewine36]

WhatHo, hate to admit it but yep. I probably could be quite patronising at times :-( In my defence, I wanted a friendship, I didn't want 7am sobbing phone calls a couple of times a month because she'd gotten up late and wouldn't have time to get the children to school and get herself to work.
I definitely became resentful of the support I was giving because it was rarely reciprocated. And I was exasperated by her not taking control of her life. So I probably wasn't very nice myself towards the end of the relationship :-(
It's pretty shit, really.

[didyoureally]

I think you will always regret it if you don't at least try to speak to your friend before you move. If she is on the spectrum she may not be fully aware of how insensitive her comments and behaviour can be, or if she is aware she might not know what to say to make amends. She has been your friend for so long for a good reason - you may find that you will be able to accept her for how she is and not have high expectations of her in some situations. Just because she doesn't cope well with some aspects of her life doesn't mean that she can't have a role as your friend. I think a lot of the advice on here is a bit harsh to be honest, but you know her best.

[jo2107]

I'd do the same as littleballerina

[ample]

The friendship has run it's course - brought to a head by the argument but sounds like it was heading to a dead end anyway tbh.
In fact the relationship you miss with Jane was over a long time ago. Why worry about not being around for her. Move on. She has had enough time and an opportunity to extend an olive branch as you say. And so have you, had you wanted to.
Time to move on. Fresh fields, clean slate etc
Good luck with your move.

[BinRaidingRaccoon]

Sympathy from me too. I ended an unhealthy friendship a few years ago, and moved a few months after that.

I've not been in touch. I know it was the right thing to do (at least for me, I struggled dealing with her multiple emotional and practical demands), but I do worry about her still. I don't think she has a close friend.

And I miss the good times.

I'd leave it for now. 2.5 hours isn't that far away, and she seems to have moved on anyway.

[BasinHaircut]

OP you are struggling with the loss of such a big part of your life, which is understandable. I agree its like losing a partner but without the understanding or support!

Years ago i lost a friend in similar circumstances, in that i waited for them to contact me after an arguement and they never did. Even though the friendship was clearly over, i do get what you mean about the way its all happened, no real ending. It does make it hard to move on even if you know the friendship is over.

Do you worry about how she will react to the news that you have moved and not told her? In my case 7 years had passed and I got married. I was subjected to a torrent of abuse via facebook for getting married and not telling or inviting her . It was interesting as she clearly felt that we were still friends (after 7 years!) but from my perspective it hadnt even occured to me to tell her or invite her, id moved on. Thats not to say that i dont, another 6 years down the line, still feel a bit sad about the friendship that once was when a certain song comes on at a party, or something else triggers a memory of times when the friendship was a good one. But thast friendship is gone, had been for a while before we parted ways. Sounds like thats the case for you too. Move on OP.

[WhatHo]

I second Strictlys flowers as it is like a break up. Except unlike lovers, you CAN drift apart and come together after a long period.

FWIW wheresthewine36 - I am now her youngest son's godmother , so the break really was the best possible thing.

[Jenny70]

But surely Jane still has your email address, facebook or phone number??

Give the friendship some distance, physically and emotionally. If time and space makes the friendship rekindle and flourish in a healthy way (now that she can't "use" you are a crutch).

I would say the friendship has run its course, but trying to make the point that moving doesn't equal death of friendship - just some space. Maybe drop her a card with your new address when settled, that way you feel not everything has been severed.

[Wheresthewine36]

Thank you, Matilda. xx

[HappyNevertheless]

Xpost. WhatHo explained it better than me

[HappyNevertheless]

To b honest, I think Jane has already severed the relationship.
It's 6 months since you've had that argument and in that time she has never contacted you.
Seen what has happened in the past, she would normally have called you with some emergency, wouldn't she?

So I think the answer is that Jane has drawn a line on your friendship anyway.

On the other side, you don't own her anything. Maybe, actually having to stand in her two feet wo relying on you to pick up the pieces will help (and maybe she actually got ressentful of it too - not because you did things she didn't want).

I would leave your details to Lily. If Jane really wants to contact you, she can ask Lily.

[WhatHo]

If you rely on someone to help you out all the time, in the moments when you don't need help and aren't feeling weak, that parent/child dynamic stops being reassuring and becomes aggravating. You feel like a teenager and become resentful. You see them as patronising rather than caring, as bossy and controlling rather than thoughtful and kind. Is it fair? Probably not. Is there a grain of truth in her perception that you talk down to her a bit? Possibly...?

I would say this is the issue: the 'looking down your nose' comment totally stems from that kind of feeling. I have been there and I behaved quite badly with one friendship. It had got so unequal it felt like wearing a badly fitting jacket. I really do regret how I behaved (childishly, thus kinda proving her perception of me...) and we didn't speak for 3 years. I had to really work to become her friend again, but when we did it was on equal terms - we call each other for chats and advice rather than me being the baby. Far better for both of us.

So, to your situation, as parents have to let teenagers go, you have to do the same. Your friendship has become unbalanced, and in this state, is over. It may not be over forever but is for now.
Totally up to you if you want to send her a change of address in the post with your new details, it would probably be the polite thing to do and leaves the door open but FFS don't call her or write her a letter or anything. It's time for her to do the chasing and behave like an adult.

[Wheresthewine36]

Strictlymum, it all sounds pretty much identical. Thank you for the flowers. It has actually hit me harder than any romantic break-up ever has and your post has made me realise that it's ok to be sad and upset about it. When our friendship worked, it was the sort of friendship that was unshakable - a bottle of tequila each and 6" heels and we'd still walk home together at the end of the night, singing and laughing. The friendship was better than any relationship I've ever had with a man so why shouldn't I grieve it?x

[MatildaTheCat]

I am very loathe to leave things on a sour note after such a long friendship. Ok,the closeness is over but you have a huge shared history, most of it very happy. There is also the potential that you might end up having to meet again in the future. Perhaps Lily's DC will get married and you will both be invited....or whatever. It would lead to a lot of worry and awkwardness.

I think that the very fact you are posting here demonstrates that you aren't really comfortable with just leaving with this unpleasant atmosphere lingering. It shows you are a nice person.

I would send a change of address card and write a note on the back saying its a shame you are no longer close ( could be interpreted as emotional or geographical) but you will always remember the great times you shared and wish her well in the future.

Then you can relax and leave with a clear conscience. That's what I would do anyway. You just never know, a sudden illness or catastrophe can happen at any time and it's so much easier to know you ended things the best way you know.

Good luck with you move and new life, it sounds very exciting.