To encourage my partner to seek full custody of his son?

[DontPanicSir]

And how successful is he likely to be?

My partner and his ex share a 5-year-old child. They split when he was about 2, for detail I will add that she left him for another man. She currently lives with her mother, 2 sisters and her brother-in-law and every so often seems to move between there and her elderly father's home.

They shared 50/50 custody until recently, but now my partner only sees his son during the weekends and during holidays as he is in school full time. The issue has been up to now that the ex never seems to be around, for pick ups or drop offs, that she does not reply to texts, and nor do her extended family, even when they are acting in her place looking after him. She requests that my partner takes him pretty much every chance she can get, and has even asked that he take him during the week when he is supposed to be attending school, and my partner has to be at work!

Last weekend when my partner dropped his son off, he waited for an hour outside of the home, even though he arrived at the agreed time. Nobody answered the door, and when they did it was the brother in law. He claimed to have been sleeping. This is a typical occurrence.

Today there was an issue with his son being ill at school and my partner was contacted, as the school were unable to get a hold of his mother, her sisters, or his grandparents. My partner had to leave work early to go and get him, even though he is not due to pick him up until Friday. When he eventually got hold of someone (the aunt), she claimed to be sleeping. The ex is on holiday and won't be back until June. Although he has contacted her to say their son was sick and he currently has him, the ex has still not responded!

My partner's son has been displaying lots of emotional difficulties, and this has been picked up on by the school. He cries often, and isn't able to express himself well. My partner is pretty worried about him, but is frightened of rocking the boat I guess. This evening we have had a long in depth conversation about things and I have suggested to him that perhaps he ought to push for what he wants and that is full custody, but I'm afraid that his case will not only be long and drawn out, but also be rejected, as seems to be the case for so many fathers.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreciate it.

[ddrmum]

OP, a difficult position for everyone especially a 5yr old child. Your DH needs to hear the schools concerns but perhaps arranging a meeting at school with both parents could be beneficial - both hear same story at same time and no misunderstandings. They need to get to the bottom of any concerns the school has and address these. The childs needs are paramount. As a SAHM with family support it's unlikely that residence would be changed unless mum wanted it. It's unforgiveable that no-one is home when the child is returned - it's hard enough for a little one to understand without that happening on a regular basis. The emphasis needs to be on putting the child first.

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

I think op's level of involvement here is: how up for being a primary carer type stepmother is she?

Because if her partner is a secondary HOD - & I am one, with older dc - he is absolutely not going to be much of a primary carer.

Once you've thought about that, OP, let your partner know what support you are able to offer & then let him fight it out with his son's mother on that basis, if that's what he chooses to do.

Obviously whether you are a viable option - & better than his existing extended family - is going to require quite some discussion.

What sort of relationship do you have with this child?

[NowSissyThatWalk]

I think you sound lovely OP

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

He needs legal advice - as there are things that are not right with regards to the lines of communication here

But I do agree that if you get involved you might burn fingers

Let the family lawyer advise him -and also he would do some reading up ? MN is a bit emotive for getting advice in this issue

[DontPanicSir]

I see that him successfully obtaining primary custody is a likely a lost cause given the circumstances, I believe he is still going to seek legal advice, but truth be told he also needs to manoeuvre himself into a better position before he could ever prove he is the 'better' parent, so I can imagine the whole thing being a very long and drawn out process before it even begins. It probably won't happen, and is the reason he has done nothing up to now, although he desperately wants to.

I've always felt based on her behaviour and what I've been told that his ex had some kind of postpartum depressive episode, and that she has never really bonded with her son. It's something I can sympathise with. She literally does nothing for him aside from the basics, my partner is the one who buys his clothes, gets his hair cut etc. Also interesting to note, that he never talks about his mum or asks after her when he is with us.

Gently - she has moved a number of times since we have been together (again no notice), and I don't think it's likely she is going to stay where she is, so moving closer probably wouldn't be the best option.

Atenco - being totally honest, no I am not eager to become a full-time step mother as I have three children of my own, and our home is overcrowded as it is. He is generally a nice boy, but has many difficulties which are beginning to emerge and it is difficult to manage the change of dynamic when he is here, especially his relationship with my own children who are starting to be affected by it. I am feeling withdrawn about the whole thing. My partner does want him to be here full time, and wants to be a bigger part of his life. I do think he is in a better position to offer him long-term stability and happiness than his ex just based on how she behaves. I may not necessarily be a part of that however.

Crowy - Amazingly he has managed to juggle work and parenting up to now, but this is yet more to think about, and an additional reason why he has never taken any action in the past. Now he's school age, he would rely on me, extended family members, or some other childcare in the form of a childminder etc. to take him to and pick him up from school, not unlike his ex. At the moment his son seems to just see me as some sort of parental figure. When he is here he tends to sort of slot in among my children rather than interacting with me on a one on one basis.

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

You really need to butt out here!

If your partner thinks he can can offer better parenting than his ex, then ok, you are in the picture as a mildly reluctant caregiver who quite likes the child but ultimately you're going to put your own dc first.

Everything about this situation is clearly: it's between the little boy's parents. Both have some other adults floating around with opinions who may be able to help out.

Leave them to get on with it. You can tell your chap if his son would be welcome in your shared home, & then he has that information when he talks to his child's mother.

[Tatiana11235]

Op, I agree with you. I know exactly where you are coming from as my H and I have been in a similar situation. Luckily, DSS's mother sent him over to live with us full-time without any legal action. It fitted better with her career and person life.
You absolutely should encourage full custody proceedings as the child will be better off in a stable environment. Also then your H and you will have control over your own lives rather than reacting to H's ex's actions or even lack of actions.
If you're the ones who end up caring after the child the mist then it might as well be on your terms.