To encourage my partner to seek full custody of his son?

[DontPanicSir]

And how successful is he likely to be?

My partner and his ex share a 5-year-old child. They split when he was about 2, for detail I will add that she left him for another man. She currently lives with her mother, 2 sisters and her brother-in-law and every so often seems to move between there and her elderly father's home.

They shared 50/50 custody until recently, but now my partner only sees his son during the weekends and during holidays as he is in school full time. The issue has been up to now that the ex never seems to be around, for pick ups or drop offs, that she does not reply to texts, and nor do her extended family, even when they are acting in her place looking after him. She requests that my partner takes him pretty much every chance she can get, and has even asked that he take him during the week when he is supposed to be attending school, and my partner has to be at work!

Last weekend when my partner dropped his son off, he waited for an hour outside of the home, even though he arrived at the agreed time. Nobody answered the door, and when they did it was the brother in law. He claimed to have been sleeping. This is a typical occurrence.

Today there was an issue with his son being ill at school and my partner was contacted, as the school were unable to get a hold of his mother, her sisters, or his grandparents. My partner had to leave work early to go and get him, even though he is not due to pick him up until Friday. When he eventually got hold of someone (the aunt), she claimed to be sleeping. The ex is on holiday and won't be back until June. Although he has contacted her to say their son was sick and he currently has him, the ex has still not responded!

My partner's son has been displaying lots of emotional difficulties, and this has been picked up on by the school. He cries often, and isn't able to express himself well. My partner is pretty worried about him, but is frightened of rocking the boat I guess. This evening we have had a long in depth conversation about things and I have suggested to him that perhaps he ought to push for what he wants and that is full custody, but I'm afraid that his case will not only be long and drawn out, but also be rejected, as seems to be the case for so many fathers.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreciate it.

[Tatiana11235]

Op, I agree with you. I know exactly where you are coming from as my H and I have been in a similar situation. Luckily, DSS's mother sent him over to live with us full-time without any legal action. It fitted better with her career and person life.
You absolutely should encourage full custody proceedings as the child will be better off in a stable environment. Also then your H and you will have control over your own lives rather than reacting to H's ex's actions or even lack of actions.
If you're the ones who end up caring after the child the mist then it might as well be on your terms.

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

You really need to butt out here!

If your partner thinks he can can offer better parenting than his ex, then ok, you are in the picture as a mildly reluctant caregiver who quite likes the child but ultimately you're going to put your own dc first.

Everything about this situation is clearly: it's between the little boy's parents. Both have some other adults floating around with opinions who may be able to help out.

Leave them to get on with it. You can tell your chap if his son would be welcome in your shared home, & then he has that information when he talks to his child's mother.

[DontPanicSir]

I see that him successfully obtaining primary custody is a likely a lost cause given the circumstances, I believe he is still going to seek legal advice, but truth be told he also needs to manoeuvre himself into a better position before he could ever prove he is the 'better' parent, so I can imagine the whole thing being a very long and drawn out process before it even begins. It probably won't happen, and is the reason he has done nothing up to now, although he desperately wants to.

I've always felt based on her behaviour and what I've been told that his ex had some kind of postpartum depressive episode, and that she has never really bonded with her son. It's something I can sympathise with. She literally does nothing for him aside from the basics, my partner is the one who buys his clothes, gets his hair cut etc. Also interesting to note, that he never talks about his mum or asks after her when he is with us.

Gently - she has moved a number of times since we have been together (again no notice), and I don't think it's likely she is going to stay where she is, so moving closer probably wouldn't be the best option.

Atenco - being totally honest, no I am not eager to become a full-time step mother as I have three children of my own, and our home is overcrowded as it is. He is generally a nice boy, but has many difficulties which are beginning to emerge and it is difficult to manage the change of dynamic when he is here, especially his relationship with my own children who are starting to be affected by it. I am feeling withdrawn about the whole thing. My partner does want him to be here full time, and wants to be a bigger part of his life. I do think he is in a better position to offer him long-term stability and happiness than his ex just based on how she behaves. I may not necessarily be a part of that however.

Crowy - Amazingly he has managed to juggle work and parenting up to now, but this is yet more to think about, and an additional reason why he has never taken any action in the past. Now he's school age, he would rely on me, extended family members, or some other childcare in the form of a childminder etc. to take him to and pick him up from school, not unlike his ex. At the moment his son seems to just see me as some sort of parental figure. When he is here he tends to sort of slot in among my children rather than interacting with me on a one on one basis.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

He needs legal advice - as there are things that are not right with regards to the lines of communication here

But I do agree that if you get involved you might burn fingers

Let the family lawyer advise him -and also he would do some reading up ? MN is a bit emotive for getting advice in this issue

[NowSissyThatWalk]

I think you sound lovely OP

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

I think op's level of involvement here is: how up for being a primary carer type stepmother is she?

Because if her partner is a secondary HOD - & I am one, with older dc - he is absolutely not going to be much of a primary carer.

Once you've thought about that, OP, let your partner know what support you are able to offer & then let him fight it out with his son's mother on that basis, if that's what he chooses to do.

Obviously whether you are a viable option - & better than his existing extended family - is going to require quite some discussion.

What sort of relationship do you have with this child?

[ddrmum]

OP, a difficult position for everyone especially a 5yr old child. Your DH needs to hear the schools concerns but perhaps arranging a meeting at school with both parents could be beneficial - both hear same story at same time and no misunderstandings. They need to get to the bottom of any concerns the school has and address these. The childs needs are paramount. As a SAHM with family support it's unlikely that residence would be changed unless mum wanted it. It's unforgiveable that no-one is home when the child is returned - it's hard enough for a little one to understand without that happening on a regular basis. The emphasis needs to be on putting the child first.

[Atenco]

Have you thought, OP, about being a step-mother? From what I hear and what is said on here, it is a very hard and thankless job. I only say that because that would be in the mix if your partner has his son living with him and your level of happiness in that situation would of course affect the child.

[gentlydownthestreamm]

Is it at all an option for you to look into moving to the 'right' side of London, where his son is? An alternative to a long court battle for residency which may or may not go in your favour would be going back to true 50/50, which could even lead to a gradual, informal shift into more residence in your favour if mum isn't essentially that bothered yet refuses to countenance giving up her residency officially.

[Just5minswithDacre]

It takes something major for residence to be changed by the courts. It's just a fact. (Some family court decisions are downright perverse in their pursuit of status quo.)

By the time two lawyers have salami sliced their way through every incident OP describes, offered competing explanations, mitigating circs etc, there won't be enough there.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

But that's one persons word against another's. I'm not saying that it's not the truth but how would the OPs DP prove it?

[DuckAndPancakes]

Even though the mother is providing zero continuity by the sounds of it?!

[Just5minswithDacre]

Imagine the situation was the other way around. Mumsnetters would be screaming blue murder to get full custody away from the evil good for nothing father. But its a mother so no biggy.

No, the point is that the courts heavily favour the status quo, where that is sustainable, so as to provide continuity.

[Just5minswithDacre]

Mumtitlement much?

Why would anybody use that vile made-up word other than to sound like a tosser?

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

Mum being a SAHM and currently having main custody will go in her favour I would have thought. The fact she has family helping her can also be seen as a positive.

Can he make an appt ASAP to discuss his concerns with the school.

Maybe if they have concerns as well that might help?

[CupidsArrows]

He is a head of department in a secondary school, and so not able to take any time off as teachers have time off during the school holidays. With it being exam season it would be even more difficult for him to be absent or late for any reason.

I'm in the same boat but had to take time off recently (4 days) because DD was sick. If he can't manage to provide care when he's sick how would it be possible to do that if he had residency.

Unless there is a massive backstory you are missing out I would sincerely doubt residency would be granted unless Mum was in agreement. I would say 50/50 at the maximum but as you've already said he can't then facilitate school drop off's etc so wouldn't really work.

Nothing to stop him from trying if he really thinks it would be best.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Be careful what you wish for.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

Seriously are people reading the same thread as me.
Of course it is the OP's business - when her partner is upset it affects her life and it sounds as though she cares for the child. Also when her partner has to change plans at the drop of a hat it affects her life. No one is saying the father is a hero for picking up his sick child from school - just that it might have useful for the child's mother to have let him know he might be needed over the next couple of weeks because she's going to be out of the country.

I'm all for extended family supporting a mother and her child by taking on certain responsibilities - but when this extended family frequently forget about those responsibilities then there is a problem.

And as for this -

Mum and Dad don't live together, show me a child that is delighted by that?

Haven't you got a space to Kondo or a lawn to mow?

Your, flippant dismissal of a child's unhappiness says more about you really doesn't it.

[defunctedusername]

Mumtitlement much? Imagine the situation was the other way around. Mumsnetters would be screaming blue murder to get full custody away from the evil good for nothing father. But its a mother so no biggy.

[DuckAndPancakes]

I'll just wait here for OP to be accused of being the other woman, seems to be the way these threads go. None of her business, butt out, mum can do no wrong etc etc etc.

I think you should be supportive of whatever your partner thinks is the best choice. If he wants to go for full custody and you will be supporting that choice and his son, then you are right to encourage him.

Whilst there is always two sides to a story and we are only hearing that of the evil stepmother () there are a lot of alarm bells that are going off with regards to how this child is being raised. Nothing to do with extended family and the help that they are giving, but a total lack of consistency in this child's life, other than his dad. The fact that his mother and none of the other family members that are emergency contacts answered their phone to the school astounds me. Whilst it's just as much the fathers responsibility to take care of a sick child, him having to leave work and drive an hour to the other side of London is a bit of a piss take when this "supportive wonderful" family are within walking distance.

[mummyto2monkeys]

I am shocked at some of the responses you have had here OP. I would be inclined to ask for a meeting with the school (your husband should arrange this) regarding their concerns. I would let the school know about your own concerns and ask for them to contact you if things deteriorate. It may well be that your information provides the last link that they need to involve involve social services. It may be that your partners ex needs support, it might be that he is living in an unsafe environment. Social Services will not automatically remove your dp's son unless he is in danger, in which case the courts will become involved and alternative care arrangements will need to be made. If you do end up as the main carers, then you will both be involved and I think you have every right to support your husband and be involved in decisions. Especially as this will impact on both of your lives.

Hopefully the school can reassure you that everything else seems well! But it only makes sense that the school are given all the information available, so that they can keep an eye on things.

[neonrainbow]

The mother isn't automatically the best resident parent. If your dp thinks he can offer his son a more stable home then he should try. It doesn't sound like he needs to worry about damaging the co parenting relationship as there isn't much of one to begin with.

[SemiNormal]

I don't think you should encourage him to go for full custody. Surely what would be better is for your partner and his ex to sit down together (without you) and have an open and frank discussion about if there is anything he can do to assist her more, perhaps she needs more help and is too afraid to ask for it in case he goes in all guns blazing and demanding full custody - there is nothing wrong with needing help from time to time.

[Improperlyhappy]

Haven't you got a space to Kondo or a lawn to mow?

Have you got another thread to go and be spiteful and nasty on?

^ i agree Oranges - totally unnecessary comment, the OP is asking for help and some comments here are unbelievably bitchy.

OP - I think something needs done, but agree that it should be your DP that is getting angry & being decisive about his son's possible emotional suffering (which I assume is what's behind the behaviour issues). Other posters have said there could be perfect explanations behind all this, but he needs to find out. It sounds to me like that little boy isn't getting all he needs which should be easier with the support of an extended family, not harder - good luck xxx

[HelsinkiLights]

You have a right to be concerned as the massive red flag here is the boy is having emotional difficulties & the school has picked up on it.
Although we're only hearing one side of the story it does sound like the mother doesn't give a flying fuck. I totally agree that parents do need to have time to themselves but to go away abroad without even telling her son that she's away is not right.
Your husband has to do what he thinks is right for his son, & if that means trying to get full custody so be it.
Though as other posters have said try & talk to the mum first. It may be that she would like to be the nrp but would feel bad/lose face for suggesting it.