To feel like I'm neglecting my baby

[MadAboutFourteen]

I have a 3 month old and I'm suffering with PND so I know this is skewing my perception slightly.

But whenever I put my baby down on her playmat or in her swing, and watch TV or fiddle on my phone, I feel like I'm neglecting her.

I never ignore her if she cries and if she gets fractious I go and sit with her or pick her up for a cuddle. But I can't shake this irrational feeling that I'm being a bad mum leaving her to "play" by herself.

My therapist suggested I ask other mums what they do and how they feel. What's the verdict, vipers?

[MadAboutFourteen]

I want to cry. Thank you so much, you lovely nest of vipers, you've given me so many points I didn't even consider. I feel loads better and have lots to remind myself of when the negative thoughts start creeping in. Thank you!

[Janecc]

Your baby sounds very secure and contented. My DD was a really contented baby as well. I left her to her own devices definitely for periods of time to kick/explore maybe half an hour or so. Some babies are less secure and wouldn't tolerate this but as she will, it is great to leave baby to their own devices for their physical development and their mental health. She would quickly let you know if she weren't happy.

Right now, you are both doing just fine. Take the opportunity to take a break and switch off. She's near you and safe. The most important person in your life is you because if you are ill, you cannot look after your DD. You are the most important person to your DD. It is paramount to look after you and your mental health for her.

You clearly love her very much and I hope you soon feel better. And on the crying before sleeping. My DD always always had a little cry before she went off to sleep. Some babies just do that apparently according to the Health Visitor and Midwife I know. She wasn't distressed or screaming, just transitioning from being awake to sleeping.

I didn't have PND. I did suffer a lot emotionally when DD was a baby because of the unreconciled feelings I had for my treatment of a child and anger at the treatment of a precious child (me). Counselling really helped. You are doing really well. I hope you feel better soon.

[MardleBum]

So long as you are reacting in a timely manner to any signs of distress from her then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. It good for her to be attached to you but it's equally good for her to spend some time learning to kick her little limbs about freely and realise they are part of her and she can control them, look around, explore the stimuli you've provided in her playmat, use all her senses, gain some gradual confidence about not being held all the time, and be able to see you or hear you in the near distance and feel comforted by that.

And it's good for you to have some time when you are not physically attached to her too. You are doing just fine.

[princesspineapple]

You are definitely not alone!
DD is 8 weeks old and I spent at least the first 6 weeks a nervous wreck thinking she was neglected because I left her on the playmat so I could sterilise her bottles
I cried to my health visitor because I was so worried I was damaging her development by ignoring her, but bottles have to be sterilised for her health!
HV was lovely, she said the same as so many PPs... it's important to have some time to straighten your hair or have a brew or whatever makes you feel you again, and babies love floor time! She also said sometimes they can be over stimulated and need a bit of time to explore for themselves, and sure enough the first time I took DD's wrist rattles off and left her on the mat to stack the dishwasher, I came back to see her staring at her hands in amazement :)
The fact you care so much means she's almost certainly not neglected, it's hard work for all of us but I'm sure you're doing an amazing job! :)

[Baconyum]

Not only good for you, good for babies mental and emotional development but also physical development. Think about it, when you're holding them their movements are a little restricted, on the mat she can kick and waggle her arms about till kingdom come.

I used to pop dd in her bouncy chair and take her from room to room while I did what I had to do, including shower/bath, I'd have music on, sing to her... Was a lovely time.

And yes in a few months when she's clingier than a limpet you'll wonder why you didn't make the most of it

[Sighing]

Mine's 12 weeks. As long as they're responded to I am sure time on their mat, knowing you're nearby (they can hear you moving etc) is great for them to develop their sense of home/ safe etc. I tend to put him on the mat in the morning for a while when I know he's calm and rested etc (often for nappy off time), I drink a coffee, perhaps pay a bill or do some internet shopping. I also behave as I do eith my older dc. I tell him what I'm doing, how long it'll take etc. I think my calm tone about it helps.
It's also not a bad thing to be able to relax around them. I was so on edge with my first, I forgot to take 'a moment' here and there. It was awful for my self esteem etc.

[teacherlikesapples]

Letting your baby have time to lie flat on the floor, with freedom of movement, knowing you are close by, but giving him space to just explore with his own movements is one of the best things in the world for him. The world is so new & stimulating, and he is just learning how his body works, so this relaxed time, to just lay back, ponder & move without being constantly entertained is exactly what he needs each day.

The added benefit is that if you can do something for yourself in this time, a warm bath (pop him on the bathroom floor beside you on a rug) Curl up with a cuppa & a magazine on the couch or sit out in the sun, whatever floats your boat. If you take take time to yourself each day, it lets you recharge, so you can be more present when he needs you. The benefit to starting this young, is he will be more comfortable having independent play when he is older. So, from a child development perspective- I think what you are doing is absolutely perfect :)

[giraffesCantReachTheirToes]

Have you been out and about? Go to some baby and toddler groups and you will see lots if different styles of interaction. It's about what's right for you both.

[dailymaillazyjournos]

My DD keeps sending me messages to ask if it's ok to put dgd in her playpen for a bit while she gets on with jobs and is she neglecting her.

My answer is always it's absolutely fine. It's good for them to be able to pootle about and entertain themselves for a few minutes. If your dd was unhappy she would cry for your attention. I don't think she'd lay on her mat quietly if she was upset.

You are picking her up or going to her if she cries or seems upset. That could in no way possibly be neglect. It IS totally full on. So if DD is happy for you to put her down for a bit, then go stick the kettle on and have a drink and a sit down and tell yourself you are allowed, you have nothing to feel guilty for and practice enjoying a few mins without a little koala clinging to you. You sound a great Mum.

[Vixyboo]

I do think having a browse on mumsnet or a facebook update etc helps you not to resent your child. It reminds you that you are also an individual and not just so and sos mum.

[Vixyboo]

My ds is almost 2 and although he is great on his own he does at times just launch himself onto me for cuddles/kisses/tickling/stories etc.

When he was a baby people said oh enjoy the time when you can put him down and he is still in the same place when you return. It won't last! It is true! He follows me now lol!

We watch The Clangers and Twirlywoos (his faves) and we also watch The Chase (my fave!). Life is about give and take!

[MerilwenRose]

I have a sixteen week old (which is suddenly sounding really old, where did my tiny baby go?!) and if I have jobs to do I pop her in the bouncer (sometimes in front of the telly for five mins, gasp!) and she has a lovely time. When she goes on her playmat or has a kick about on the floor I usually sit next to her and often play on my phone. I don't do it all the time and don't ignore her if she seems bored or sad, but snatching the odd ten mins to myself is certainly not neglectful! I spend large portions of the rest of the day chatting and singing songs, so we do lots of interacting. Sounds like you're doing just fine :)

[MadAboutFourteen]

Kiki and vixy, very good points I hadn't considered, thank you x

[Vixyboo]

Don't you see that having these worries and caring about her experiences shows you love her? It can feel so ovwrwhelming at times to have a little person but do not feel bad for having some time to yourself. Every so often put some music on and let her enjoy that or have a shower with her in her bouncer nearby. Let het hear the water- obv be aware of her not having too much steam.

You are worrying but a parent who didn't care wouldn't even think about it! She is lucky to have you.

[kiki22]

OP a huge part of being a good parent is taking care of yourself you need to be functional for your baby. I had a really rough time with ds when he was small but I learned through time that a happy mum means a happy baby. Ive not devoted every part of myself and my life to ds ive still keep things for myself its not had any negative effect infact ds is a huge mummies boy we are very close.

Take care of yourself for your own sake and your babies you will come out the end of this bad time i promise

[TitusAndromedon]

One thing I still tell myself now that my twins are six months old is that, for these first several months, everything is a sensory experience. I can see it in their faces when we go somewhere new and they're looking at the lights or colours or people. It's all new and exciting to them. That includes lying on a playmat, because the light might be different to how it was the day before, or she might learn she can move the toys with her feet, or any number of other, seemingly minor things that actually are helping her to develop and understand the world more fully.

At that age, mine loved playing with those reflective emergency blankets. They still do, actually. They're noisy, but a great way to buy a few minutes to yourself.

[GarlicShake]

Heh, well if she's so entranced by everything she sees, she's not looking around for new things to do :) Baby ain't bored!

You honestly sound like a wonderful mother. I really hope you'll feel able to relax into it soon.

[MadAboutFourteen]

Playmat does have textures, but she mostly just stares at things, isn't using her hands much yet.

[GarlicShake]

:) Aww, thanks!

[GarlicShake]

I think I worry she's bored at the moment!

Hahaha - NO chance! Her brain's forming new connections at an unbelievable rate. Everything's new to her, everything's fascinating.

I think once she starts properly playing with toys that might help.

She will, very soon indeed. Meanwhile, has your playmat got lots of textures? I'm out of touch with 21st century baby stuff. Try giving her items with furry, squelchy, bobbly (etc) textures as her sense of touch is forming at the moment.

[MadAboutFourteen]

Garlic, I talk to her constantly, she'll get sick of my voice! And I love her baby babble, we have "conversations". But you didn't sound patronising, don't worry!

[Hawkmoth]

DS is now just about 11 weeks and has only recently started being okay with going in his chair or on his mat. He positively wants to be on his own rather than attached to me or his dad. I am welcoming it, but also sad that the newborn stage has passed.

It feels so strange to have a coffee while he kicks about on the floor. But I know it's all part of him growing up.

However, he still screams from about halfway through my shower until I turn the hairdryer on. That's when the guilt really kicks in. Ho hum.

[MadAboutFourteen]

She's not even squawking! She's fine! It's me who's wracked with angst...

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Sometimes babies just like to be, just being is a skill that is very useful and nice to have.

Babies who are constantly mithered very rarely get to just be.

[GarlicShake]

But whenever I put my baby down on her playmat or in her swing, and watch TV or fiddle on my phone, I feel like I'm neglecting her.

Try talking while you do your stuff. It's very good for her development, will be nice for you when she responds, and will help you feel you're maintaining your connection. Clearly your connection's at no risk whatsoever, but yammering away to the baby can feel nice.

I never ignore her if she cries

Crying, no, but remember she will be making her first baby-talk attempts at this age. If she's getting all excited at herself saying "ooh" and "aah", she's not upset! Sorry that sounds patronising, but I know how depression can sometimes make you see positive things in a negative light :)

You're evidently doing really well. Hope you feel much better soon