Was DS's Art Teacher unfair? How do I approach this?

[AngieU]

DS is 12, in Secondary School, Year 8.

My Ex Husband, his dad, passed away at Christmas time. DS didn't go back to school until after the half term, so missed a term.

His teachers were aware of this.

DS was making clay models in Art. He finished his early and started making a pot for his Dad (it had his name on it and was going to be for memories).

Teacher came over and said "(son's name) we are not in Primary School!" Took the half made pot and put it back into the clay bag.

Was this really insensitive? DS is still very sad by the situation.

[BillSykesDog]

I think you should talk to HoY (or whoever you have liaised with most closely on the bereavement) explain what happened and how upset your son is. Ask if the art teacher can be reminded, and possibly ask if the art teacher can talk to your son about what happened (eg explain it was a misunderstanding, hopefully apologise). But ask in a reasonable way, stressing that your son is upset and feels that his grief has been belittled and it would mean a lot to him if the art teacher could explain she didn't mean it in that way).

Maybe ask if his subject teachers could be gently reminded of the situation and the need for sensitivity stressed.

[Kayakinggirl86]

Don't go in all guns blazing it is not going to help anyone.
The teacher sounds stressed, they most likely have 101 things on their mind (for all you know they could have lost their dad last week). As it is near the end of the year resources are very scarce (and they may be buying the clay themselves), so your son just helping him self could have a very negative effect on other classes.
The situation does need to be investigated but going straight to the head is not the best idea.

[dollylucy]

Guess I should be glad that ds is in a small school where the teachers haven't forgotten that his father died and seem to consider his feelings

[WonkoTheSane42]

In my school we're not always told about pupil bereavements - or if we are then that information isn't always passed on the following year when they get all new teachers. Something like art would be on a rotation in my school as well, with a block of music, a block of art, etc. So perhaps this teacher genuinely hasn't been told? Or, as pp have said, she may have just forgotten and will be mortified when reminded. With all possible respect to the poster who said a child's bereavement should be at the forefront of our minds, that just isn't possible. I teach 180 kids a day. Things slip your mind, that's just how it is. We're only human.

[Kariana]

I agree with all those saying the teacher either doesn't know or has forgotten and probably though the pot was for a dad who was alive and well (in which case it would be a reasonable reaction). As the art teacher in a secondary school she probably sees hundreds of children, who probably have a class once a week at most. Even if someone remembered to give her a message about why your ds was away (and it probably wasn't that noticeable as he would have missed so few lessons with her) she will understandably have probably forgotten or not remember who the message was associated with. She will no doubt have a long list of issues and children to try and remember that probably are never going to come up when she sees them so rarely. It's unfortunate this happened and that your ds was upset but perhaps explain to him that some of the teachers might not know and that she won't have meant to upset him. You could try to have a word with the teacher if it's possible to get hold of her but I'd be very surprised if she had done this maliciously.

[WeAreTheOthers]

I'm so sorry for both of you. My DS2 was a little older than your DS when he lost his parents but he started writing and drawing some very dark things and as long as he did his work his teachers generally just let him work his head out on the paper if he had time left. So yes, this teacher was a little insensitive.
That being said, I'm with the others here. Don't go in all guns blazing. Politely ask the teacher if they knew. If they didn't, ask them to apologise and say no more about it. If they did, ask why they put it that way and do your level best to be level headed about the response. If you still think it was just cruel for the sake of it then go to the Head.
I hope that it was just an honest mistake and that the teacher will apologise

[Confusednotcom]

I'm so sorry. I expect the teacher was just clueless – I had a teacher say to my 12yo DD, I don't teach you do I? - having had her in his class for a year. So teacher may just have been horribly unaware and will feel pretty awful once they realise.

[Mishaps]

What a cow! Even if she did not know about his Dad it was just plain unkind.

[dollylucy]

This made me cry
My ds lost his Dad last year.

All his teachers should be aware of this, it should be forefront in their minds, it's very recent.

You speak to the Head to make sure they are all aware.
You're not asking them to treat him with kid gloves, just asking them to be aware that he has been bereaved and it's the biggest thing in his life right now.

[noblegiraffe]

Also being aware of something just after Christmas isn't the same as remembering on the spot mid-May. We teach hundreds of kids and get lots of reports of bereavements, and unfortunately these things, while borne in mind at the time, may be forgotten a few months later.

I'd like to think that it's more likely the teacher forgot than deliberately blasted a bereaved child.

[nipersvest]

"I don't think it is for the OP to sort out. It is for the Head."

i think going straight to the head on this is ott, this is secondary school, chain of command will be something like direct to teacher, head of department, head of year, deputy head, then head. given it involves a bereavement, it needs treating sensitively, not with a sledgehammer.

[Buggers]

Unacceptable on the teachers behalf. When I was in high school I remember a few people in my year lost a parent and ALL the teachers were aware and were extremely careful what they said and other pupils said. I'd complain if I'm honest.

[noblegiraffe]

It's really not the head's job to deal with individual issues with teachers. The head of art would be the correct person, if this isn't a horrible mistake on the part of the teacher.

[civilfawlty]

I don't think it is for the OP to sort out. It is for the Head.

[PurpleRibbons]

That is sad but she might not be aware so please don't go in raging. I put my foot in it once with a pupil whose mum died while I was off sick so I missed being told. I knew her mum had cancer and next time I saw her I asked how her mum was. Horrible moment of silence from the class and her friend explained. It was truly awful, I could have cried but she accepted my apology.

[nipersvest]

email the teacher and let them know your ds was upset, as others have said (agree with noblegiraffe's post, the 09.06am one) though, no need to go in guns blazing, but i think it will make you both feel better to have brought it up, the teacher owes you both an apology at the very least.

dh is a university lecturer within the arts, and i work in textile design, we spend a lot of time with our dc's talking about the benefits of art therapy, its a good way for kids to express themselves when they just don't have the words.

[Yesvember]

I completely agree with ollieplimsoles , well put.

[whois]

Teacher presumably forgot that his dad died recently and was just fed up with people pissing about with the clay.

Email the teacher to remind him of the circumstances and explain that your DS was upset. Hopefully he'll respond in a suitably mortified manner, apologise to your DS and everyone can move on.

This. Don't go in 'raging'. Don't go in being a total nightmare, remind the teacher his dad has recently passed and see if an apology is forthcoming before you go radio mental as others are suggesting.

[zeeka]

Oh that's sad.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I used to be a secondary school teacher and would have appreciated the opportunity to apologise if i had made such a huge mistake. I would write to the teacher concerned and explain how your son felt. If you don't get a suitable response, i would speak to the pastoral care dept/teacher so your son can get some resolution/apology for this.

[ParanoidGynodroid]

Hmm, this reminds me of all the times when, as a primary school teacher, a child would say to me "Oh I'm just doing a picture for my (living) Mummy/ Daddy" or similar. Happened a lot. And because it was generally a break time/ spare couple of minutes thing and we then had to get on with something else, I'd often tell them to put it away or finish it later.
I think it possible that this teacher momentarily forget about your DSs situation, and was just stopping him from doing something frivolous/ wasteful/ time consuming when there were other things to do.

If I'm wrong, then that teacher is at the very least insensitive. But I wouldn't take the "shit storm" or "head on a plate" approach until you establish exactly what happened.

[noblegiraffe]

Don't go to the head unless it's clear that the teacher did remember the bereavement. Talk to the teacher first. If they start banging on about school resources instead of apologising, then there is a complaint to be made.

[civilfawlty]

What allowlsthinkalot said. This is NOT about resources. This is about absolutely appalling behaviour, and I would be raising the mother of all shit storms about it.

[allowlsthinkalot]

I'm shocked by the response about school resources.

I would want her head on a plate, OP. Completely unacceptable and it needs to be pointed out to her exactly why. I would go to the Head.

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

I really hope the teacher didn't realise and will be so mortified and apologetic when she does; I'd hate to think anyone could treat a bereaved child with such contempt and hopefully it was a mistake.

[noblegiraffe]

Teacher presumably forgot that his dad died recently and was just fed up with people pissing about with the clay.

Email the teacher to remind him of the circumstances and explain that your DS was upset. Hopefully he'll respond in a suitably mortified manner, apologise to your DS and everyone can move on.