To wonder what on earth the secret is to be liked?

[LittleMiniPainAuChocolat]

No one ever seems to like me!

I have old friends, but new people just never like me at first. No one ever seems to take to me, let alone want to be friends with me. For example if a friend is ever talking to someone that I've not met before, the person I've never met is never keen on me and not keen on me to join the conversation, whilst when it's the reverse and I introduce a friend to a friend they take to each other straight away.

We went out on Saturday night with DH's friends and their wives. Neither of the wives seem to like me anyway, and on Saturday there was another couple there whom I hadn't met before. That wife instantly seemed to take a dislike to me too! Everyone just has a cool disinterest in me unless I know them and they're a friend.

Yesterday we went to get garden furniture and the woman serving DH and I totally blanked me, and talked directly to DH. Even when I spoke she just ignored me and didn't even acknowledge me. If I try to make small talk in a shop whilst being served I just get a polite smile and nod from the assistant.

What am I doing wrong?

[DoinItFine]

It surprised me as I thought women would be more off with me.

IME good looking women tend to be popular with other women as a general rule.

When women say that other women don't like them and insinuate it's because of their good looks I always think "really? Is it not because you'require just not very nice?"

Sorry, current, I was just messing, not trying to misrepresent you.

Was just thinking that once paranoia gets mentioned, it's hard to shake it.

Like "oh maybe I am being paranoid and they do like me ☺...

Or MAYBE that's why they don't take to me... 🙃

It's such a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My middle kid expects everyone to love her, and they respond by loving her.

My eldest is shy and awkward and fearful of being rejected, and so she gets rejected. Not all the time, but far more than her sister.

[Catmuffin]

At a job i had one of my colleagues said that when he first saw me he thought "I could never get on with that girl." We actually became good friends and still are friends ten years after I left the job. Another woman at the job said that she thought i looked prim when she first saw me. I guess my appearance is just prim and offputting!

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Just to give the opposite perspective of the good looking thing- I'm invisible to not only men but most women when I'm fat. When I'm thin they flock around me. I know I'm probably behaving differently myself in terms of confidence and eye contact, but it also feels like they want to associate with attractive people.. It surprised me as I thought women would be more off with me. This could be total bollocks though

[currentmood]

Not the point I was making obviously

[SocialDisaster]

There is always one.

[DoinItFine]

Yes, maybe they don't like you because you're paranoid

[currentmood]

I hate to suggest it, but could you possibly be paranoid?

The issue has become an issue so you're overthinking and seeing signs that are not really there? I've had paranoia in the past and it can be very real.

It just seems a bit odd that everyone you meet in different aspects of your life all seem to 'not like you'.

[woody2976]

im talking very first impressions and its not conscious. if i meet a stunning looking woman i might make a very unfair pre judgement that she has a high opinion of herself. incredibly unfair of me i know.

[SocialDisaster]

People have issues with good looking, ideal body shaped, wealthy or happy people. Be grateful their jealousy blocks a friendship.

I think some people view friendship as a bartering exercise and others love their friends.

[PastaLaFeasta]

But the 'attractiveness theory' would be based on the expectation that attractive people are popular and confident, because lots of them are. So the people who are considered attractive but don't feel attractive or confident and have low self esteem are not acting as we'd expect, so they may be judged as being rude rather than shy.

I was told I was unattractive in school, by my dad and as a young adult. It may have been true but either way I've had two counsellors point out that my attractiveness may make an impact on how I'm perceived, not prompted by me and it was a surprise to be labelled that way. In my head I'm a mousey, frumpy and boring mum of two and expect people to react to that person - an introverted, anxious, very unhappy person who is terrible at small talk (but is a fun, loyal and reliable friend once I get to know someone). I probably give off "leave me alone" vibes too due to people being shitty to me in the past.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't agree with the 'attractiveness' theory at all.

It doesn't make sense because I'm coming up to nearly 20 years as a 'school Mum' and when I look back at all the really attractive Mums, every single one of them was quite popular, or at least had a group of other Mum friends around them.

It was the same with attractive looking kids/teens when I was at school. Almost all of them were popular.

[HormonalHeap]

Op I have exactly the same. My dh is an extremely charismatic people person. Everybody with no exemption, from shop assistants to our cleaner, would rather deal with him. I can be talking fine to someone..enter dh and its like I don't exist.

Do you think this could be part of the problem? Also, if I'm honest, I'm probably too straightforward and honest. I don't do schmooze. I think that counts for a lot.

[minatiae]

A lot of it isn't going to be about you but the other people. Try not to take it so personally.

I almost always don't like new people straight away. I'm shy and I feel uncomfortable around new people, and only warm up to them after I've been around them a few times. It's never about the individual people, it's me.

[RoganJosh]

I soemtiens find it hard to think of something to say and my instinct is to offer unsolicited advice or launch into a story about how something similar happened to me. I have to try very hard to not do either of those. You aren't doing something similar?
I also bought 'the unwritten rules of friendship' for my daughter which reinforced the idea of letting people make their own mistakes etc and had some other really good ideas. Might be worth a quick flick through?
I'm now worried I've been too bossy here. You did ask though?

[PastaLaFeasta]

When I've complained to counsellors, including recently complaining about being judged as younger, they've suggested attractiveness could contribute. The latest suggesting people wouldn't judge me negatively due to looking young (and actually being younger than average for a mum of two primary age kids where I live) but may be envious. I don't view myself as especially attractive due to bullying and low self esteem, but if I am viewed as attractive it may be believed I am super confident, so my shyness could be viewed as snobbery or whatever. I'm more of the belief that people are judgy about young mums, it being a bad thing.

Although this starts to get into the Samantha Brick story and everyone denied looks contributed to people being less friendly. I don't know what the truth is.

Most of my friends, only a handful really, are not interested in looks and also suffer with depression and anxiety.

[HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky]

One of the Mum's at school I'm not keen on - she tries to be friendly enough but every time she talks to me, she launches an invitation to bitch about someone/something, accompanied with a forced smile and I'm really not interested in that kind of thing with school gate Mums.

I find it very off putting and I avoid her. I'm sure she thinks she is being perfectly friendly.

[paxillin]

The most instantly liked people I know either flatter a lot or make an immediate connection by commiserating/ congratulating. On first meeting. "How hard to work on a Sunday, do you have tomorrow off? I really love that dress, you look great. What a fabulous little boy your ds is. It must be such fun/ so much work/ so hard to be a doctor/ receptionist/ whatever."

[DoinItFine]

Some people are just more immediately likable than others.

I don't think I am, but I have the enormous advantage of not caring much.

It's hard to know how others see you, but I seem to be a bit of a grower. At first I think people think I'm a bit weird or intense, but eventually they get me.

It varies by location/culture too.

In America people love me and correctly see how awesome I am 😘

Where I live now I don't fit in so well until people get used to me. I don't know why they think I'm weird, but it seems they do at first.

[Just5minswithDacre]

are you very attractive? sometimes i dont like very attractive people cos i very unfairly think they have a high opinion of themselves!! this isnt a conscious thought by the way!

What, regardless of how pleasantly they behave?

[murphys]

Woody, I never thought of it like that.

Now I think about it, I had a similar discussion with someone not that long ago about this very topic. He described me as quietly confident.

I don't want to go about saying I am drop dead gorgeous or anything like that, but I think I am more along the lines of the ugly duckling, I think I have aged quite well, a bit like wine .

Yummy I relate to everything that you posted.

[TigerPath]

Are you pretty? My best friend is tall, blonde and looks like a model. She says unless she bends over backwards, most women dislike her at first. I've seen it happen. They bond with me (average looking) and cold shoulder her. When I've introduced her to other friends some have said to me in private they found her arrogant! She is not arrogant at all, she just evokes jealousy/envy or women see her as a threat. It's very sad. She doesn't wear much make-up but she does dress nicely and shows off her figure (why shouldn't she?)

[shovetheholly]

Oh, and to add - I've noticed that being very successful, particularly in the public sphere, is a tremendously great help to being both heard and liked. Whether the quality of the attention has anything really to do with the person who inspires it, however, is another matter.

[shovetheholly]

Ugh, they sound rude and horrible. Have you considered that, rather than being a rejection, perhaps they are just like this with everyone and not the right people for you?

I think sometimes sensitive people value slightly different things in friends. A lot of more extroverted people I know go out a lot and have what they call 'close' friends, but they aren't really emotionally engaged with them IYSWIM. They sort of expect everyone to be interested in their own lives and emotions, without ever showing the slightest bit of sensitivity to those of others, in a very egocentric way! They spend a lot of time on one-upmanship, self-praise and competitiveness.

Most of my really good friends are VERY different from this. My best friend is super clever but really, really modest, self-deprecating, self-analytical, funny and genuinely caring. I find that people like that are very few and far between. There just aren't that many super people out there. When you find them, it's like a major life event.

[WorraLiberty]

I agree with AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou

Some people who automatically assume no-one likes them, can come across as almost willing people not to, so their whole demeanour can seem quite cold and unfriendly.

Obviously no-one here knows if that's the case, but it might be the answer.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

I was also called a 'snob' at school and labelled as stuck up because I was bright and did my homework (!), so I think at times in the past I've over-compensated for that, being in the habit of trying to 'prove them wrong', when actually, who cares what a load pf unpleasant thick teenage queen bees think?