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AIBU?

to think she has a right a right to be told?

45 replies

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 15:51

Discussion with friends about a mutual friend last night who told us last week that he's had a one night stand. He is married with children. He told us in confidence and we won't say anything, but we couldn't agree what the right thing is in principle. Does the wife have a right to know, or does he have a right to keep it secret as he says it was a mistake he won't repeat?

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DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 19:02

If he was my old friend and his wife was just his spouse to me and we had no independent friendship, then I would not tell her.

I would keep a friend's confidence in that situation rather than wade in and start stirring.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/05/2016 18:55

I'd want to know. Not only has he cheated but he's also the sort of person who tells his friends about it - yuck!

The fact is whether the wife knows it or not, you are all pitying her. It's actually what makes it even more important that she is told imo. When her DH is so indiscreet that he tells people, it will come back to her eventually and then one of her added embarrassments will be that people knew and didn't say. It implies your tacit support of what he has done and is probably continuing to do

shiveringhiccup · 08/05/2016 18:54

I would tell.

Bad enough to be cheated on, bad enough to not be told, even worse that all his friends know and chose to be complicit. How horrible for her. Don't condone his awful behaviour by keeping quiet.

Careful to do it as kindly as you can though. I wouldn't meet up for coffee and tell her or anything like that. Maybe write a letter or email so she has the space to react in private. You say you don't know her very well so otherwise it would put her in an awkward situation to feel that she then has to talk to you about it or be around you as she's reacting. Or tell him he's got x amount of time to tell her otherwise you will.

BlueJug · 08/05/2016 18:43

He might have been telling a tall tale - maybe something that nearly was and that makes him sound a bit more of a jack the lad than he really is. People do not always tell the truth.

I'm sure your marriage isn't perfect - no-one's is, but that is how it would seem if you sat and told this woman what you know. How you would you feel if another friend sat and told you she knew of all those imperfections? Imperfections that she judged to be bad enough that you "should be told".

It does put you in an awkward position but I would leave well alone

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 18:37

How would it not be true?

My marriage is far from perfect

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BlueJug · 08/05/2016 18:36

I would say nothing. I would also not want a "friend" to come on with her perfect marriage telling me mine is not what I thought.

If I find out I am being cheated on I want to deal with it within the family, in privacy, without the humiliation of being pitied by friends. I might decide to ignore it. I might already know. It might not be true.

AvaLeStrange · 08/05/2016 18:27

Given that it was over a year ago and you don't really know his wife I'd say don't tell.

Tbh I would make the judgement depending in where my loyalties lie, which I'm sure would be frowned on by some, but seems to me the fairest option.

Obviously if you're friends with the 'bad guy' & they've behaved so appallingly that you feel morally unable to stay friends with them, that's a different matter.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/05/2016 18:18

If you don't know the woman well then I wouldn't say anything at all.

If this was a close friend I still wouldn't say anything but only if I truly believes it was a one off.

It's is very hard to throw a grenade into someone's marriage and I think it's only worth doing when there is persistent cheating/full blown affairs

dowhatnow · 08/05/2016 18:15

I would keep quiet if he was truly remorseful unless I was really good friends with the wife, in which case I would really be torn as I would want to know from a good friend.

HerRoyalNotness · 08/05/2016 18:15

Sorry I misunderstood, if he confessed a week ago, yes I'd tell.

He had no right in getting you all to keep his immoral secrets

HerRoyalNotness · 08/05/2016 18:14

I wouldn't have agreed to keep quiet, and I wouldn't see that person in the same light and most likely couldn't be friends with them. As it was a year ago. I think the ship has sailed to tell, but if it came up again, I would. And I would definitely want to know, I wouldn't want my H to be making a fool of me in front of his/out friends, apart from the adultery.

Pisssssedofff · 08/05/2016 18:10

The messenger always gets shot, keep quiet

NeverNic · 08/05/2016 18:10

She has a right to be told but I don't believe it is right you do it

Xmasbaby11 · 08/05/2016 18:09

I would stay out of it tbh. If a friend tells you something in confidence, I'd keep it to myself.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2016 18:07

"It wasn't boasting, more testing the waters, and I don't know the wife well."

Then I doubt it was a one off. He probably got a bit of "oh HELL no!" blow back from you all and decided to clam up about the true facts about his infidelity, or infidelities!

Janefromdowntheroad · 08/05/2016 18:05

I would always tell.

Fuck cheaters and asking others to keep their secrets.

She has a right to be happy without a scummy cheat of a man.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2016 18:05

She has a right to know. It is her marriage and her decision to make whether or not she'll forgive and stay or not forgive and leave. In essence, you are (by omission) making this decision for her. By not telling, you have decided that she will stay in her marriage. Not your decision to make.

Besides, you don't really know if this was a one off, do you? Or if the marriage already has fractures in it.

I would want to know, even if it was a 'one night stand'.

Absinthe9 · 08/05/2016 18:02

When I found out about my exH cheating it turned out that pretty much all our friends knew but none of them had said anything to me.

TBH that hurt me every bit as much as his cheating, the thought that I was stupidly oblivious and they were all complicit in keeping his secrets. I don't see any of them now as I cut them all off.

I would always tell.

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 18:00

It was over a year ago. It wasn't boasting, more testing the waters, and I don't know the wife well.

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nennyrainbow · 08/05/2016 17:43

Do you know his wife, and if so, how well?

Nairsmellsbad · 08/05/2016 17:43

You must have got a sense of whether it was boasting or some kind of weird cathartic thing? Was it recent or a long time ago? If it was a while ago and he seemed regretful then I'm not sure that telling her would help. If he's going around boasting about it that's maybe a different matter. If he's a well-known actor then the Sun and the Daily Mail are already doing it for you.

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 17:38

We were having drinks and he said "have any of you been unfaithful to your partners?" And then he told us.

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Nairsmellsbad · 08/05/2016 17:28

Do you mean he has told you and the other friends? Why has he told you all?

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 17:28

It was a group of uni friends, my dh wasn't there. We didn't say much tbh!

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ImperialBlether · 08/05/2016 17:25

What did you and your husband say when you were told?

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