another wedding invite - sorry (but pls read anyway)

[pimsandlemonade]

I genuinely don't know what to do here.
I'll try to be brief.

A good friend is getting married in another country me and DH are invited (no kids). We have two kids, one is a baby (still breastfeeding). My parents have agreed to fly to us across Europe to babysit (and also just visit us). DH is struggling to get the time off from work (he usually works weekends) but possibly can do it, won't know for sure until closer.
I would like to go to the wedding BUT

• I would need to stop breastfeeding
• baby is going through a faze when she just cries when I leave the room , i can't imagine myself enjoying the wedding when I know she's at home potentially screaming
• cost of flying, driving (would need to rent a car at the other end), parking (need to drive 3h to the airport and pay parking on our side), hotel (2 nights), present adds up to ££££
• i'm terrified of flying (would need lots of booze to cope - which might not be entirely negative )

What would you do?
My dad thinks if I don't go i will lose her as a friend...
She was at my wedding and had to fly infor that (easier trip then, and no kids but still), she was a bridesmaid too.

Before anyone suggests we take kids and my parents along and they babysit there - it's too late, they have their tickets and also it would be even more expensive and my mum refused to look after the kids at a hotel.

Help?

[BieneBiene]

I wouldn't go. I would tell her as soon as possible though.

[MissTurnstiles]

pims what I didn't make clear was that the cooling of the friendship was really on my part. I lost a lot of respect for her when she reacted in a pretty selfish, unpleasant way. She had always had form for being a bit self-centred but this was new. I felt it was a bit of an insight into her true character, tbh.

[specialsubject]

tell her now that you can't attend her frilly-frock party (which is all it is, perhaps best not use those words) for practical and financial reasons.

if she throws a diva-strop, that tells you who comes first in the 'friendship'.

[MissBattleaxe]

tell her as soon as possible that you cannot manage it. Say that you thought you would, and were even flying in babysitters, but with the expense and your DH not getting time off work etc that is is just not feasible and you're sorry to miss it.

To be honest, if a friend of mine lived abroad as you do, and had a toddler and a bay as you do, I wouldn't even expect them to come! I'd sent an invitation out of politeness but wouldn't really expect a YES.

You do not need the bride's approval. Stop trying to get it.

[GrumpyMummy123]

Don't go. It's only one day.

• Expecting anyone to travel overseas to a wedding is a big ask. The cost of that alone is a reasonable reason to decline.
  
• Having a no kids wedding is fine, but they have to accept that for some parents leaving their kids isn't an option so cant come. Expecting you to stop breastfeeding in order to go to her wedding is not reasonable.
  

Don't leave it for too long to tell her. Call her and explain all the reasons you can't go. Apologies profusely. Talk about setting a date to visit her as a family as soon as possible at a time your husband can get time off work. Send a thoughtful wedding gift, something personal to show still a close friend. Send a message to the groom/ best man to be read out at the wedding.

Tough decision but don't let her bully you into going x

[Lottapianos]

I am fully in favour of childfree weddings and completely understand why people don't want small children there, including babies. However, if you have a childfree wedding, you have to accept that some people will not be able to attend. It doesn't matter what you think people should do, or when they should stop breastfeeding, some simply will not be able to make it. So it would be very unreasonable of your friend to give you any grief whatsoever if you do decide not to attend. Its an invitation - not a summons. It will be a total nightmare for you to organise and will cost you a fortune. No way I would go.

However, you do need to be straight with her and tell her asap that your plans have changed.

Love 'frilly frock party', specialsubject

[Helbelle75]

We didn't get married abroad, but 2 of our friends were breastfeeding and had to travel to the wedding. We invited kids to our wedding (to us it's a family occasion). We would have completely understood if they hadn't been able to come and were very touched that they made the effort to. They left before the evening reception, but that was absolutely fine - we wanted them to feel comfortable and do what was best for them.
My friend even brought her baby to my hen do (picnic in the afternoon - so don't be alarmed!) as she was still breastfeeding.
I would decline the invitation and be really excited to see all of the photographs in a couple of months time.

[expatinscotland]

'Things changed for us and now when I speak to my friend I find it hard to explain the difficulty and i have carried on as if im going (and i did believe that myself), but when it comes to booking the flights i just can't bring myself to do it.
Also she thinks breastfeeding should be over by 6 months anyway so she wouldn't understand that as a reason I think'

Get a backbone! You need to tell her, now, that your circumstances have changed. And so what if she doesn't understand why you want to BF longer than 6 months?! You want to, it's YOUR child. Put your family ahead of this person.

[Mishaps]

Why ever would you stop BF your child just to go to a wedding!? Just don't go!

[SeaCabbage]

Your circumstances have changed, you have two kids and your mother doesn't want to fly over with you. Apologise and wish her well. As others have said, if she has a hissy fit, she's not worth worrying about.

With regard to the other wedding there will be different circumstances for that and you will have to judge that one as a separate issue.

PS Your "friend" has no right to judge when you stop breastfeeding. Just because she thinks 6 months is enough! It's a very individual decision.

[Pandsbear]

Really just say no! It is her wedding; this is about what suits your family.

If she is a 'normal' friend she will understand.

I happily went 'oh yes we will come to your wedding overseas with my 2 month old baby'. But when it turned out to be 2 month old twins neither DH or I went and he was supposed to be part of the bridegroom's group/main supporters. It was fine, they understood despite the late notice as we changed our minds after the twins were born. In fact I would not have gone with one baby, I was pregnant and slightly in denial when I said yes.

[waterrat]

you know what - put the breastfeeding aside - you don't want to go anyway because of the cost. THAT IS OKAY. I would be mortified to think that any friend of mine felt they had to attend my wedding when they couldn't afford to do it.

If it is easier to blame it on BF then just write an email saying I'm so sorry but I just don't want to stop breastfeeding yet - or say you can't get childcare? Find an easy opt out then stop worrying about it.

[WorraLiberty]

This is a complete no brainer for me.

Of course it's fine not to go and if she didn't understand that, then she would be incredibly selfish and self centred.

Weddings are nice, being invited to see your friends tie the knot is nice, but it's not the be all and end all if you can't make it.

Just send a card and a pressie and wish them well.

[waterrat]

oh..and I'm having a pretty much child free wedding - just because of space, not because I don't like children. I completely accept that this may mean some friends choose not to come and I understand that.

[Crispbutty]

The easiest way to sort this out, is to ring your friend and talk to her. I am sure she wants you to be there, but (and I mean this kindly), it isnt going to ruin her wedding if you arent. If she is a good mate, she will appreciate you taking the time to talk to her and explain all the logistical problems that it would cause you, and will understand.

[Roseberrry]

No way would I stop breastfeeding at 6 months for a wedding! If you don't want to stop then don't go, you'll regret it. If you are happy to stop then I think everything else could be overcome.

[nmg85]

Don't go... you will spend money for an event you won't enjoy because you will be anxious about your kids especially the baby. If she really is a friend then she will understand the situation and get over it. Although it is fine for everyone to have their wedding how they want it people who don't invite whole families to weddings need to understand that not everyone can make arrangements and attend its the same as those who get married on a week day and then get annoyed that someone can't get the day off.

[MollyCule]

I think I would decline as well. I can understand not wanting to upset your friend but she's putting you in a difficult position by not allowing you to bring the baby. I have a friend who's getting married later this year and she's not inviting kids either, but she has said that obviously it's different for babies - and I will be able to bring my baby (wouldn't go otherwise).

If you do decline I would definitely call her to explain rather than email/ text, especially if she is a close friend. In my friend group I can think of two instances where a text message declining a wedding invitation caused huge upset, which was more down to the fact that they had just texted instead of calling (rather than the fact that they were declining).

I'm sure she may be upset and disappointed initially, but to be honest, if you get married abroad you have to be prepared for people not be able to make it - especially if they have small children! I got married in the UK but a lot of my friends and family live abroad. I was disappointed about a few people not being able to make my wedding but got over it fairly quickly, especially as they had genuinely good reasons not to be able to come (as you do).

[HackerFucker22]

I absolutely would not go. The BF'ing alone is reason enough without factoring in everything else.

If she is a true friend she'll understand.

[blowmybarnacles]

Don't go. No wedding dictates how you feed your baby.

If she can't get it, let go.

I would ring her though, don't email - just ring and talk to her.

[IJustLostTheGame]

Decline.
I left my breastfed baby for one evening (6 hours) when she was 9 months old.
Everyone swore blind she would be OK.
I didnt want to go.
She would accept sippy cups too by then but still preferred boon, especially when tired.
I came home and she had screamed the whole evening, she wanted boob.
I was angry nobody had called me to come home.
No way would I have been a flight away.
I had planned to wean her off boob by then but dd had other ideas.
She went mental for weeks if I left the room even for a second and wouldn't be passed about any more. I had my own personal limpet.

[Boredworkingmum020]

Tell your friend you can't leave your children behind whilst you leave the country, I don't know many parents who could so can they come to the wedding as you can't make other arrangements. Then the ball is in her court. I can't believe someone would expect you to do this (mind you I never understand the no kids at weddings thing but each to their own)

[TeddTess]

I went to a "no kids" wedding 200 mile drive away when DD1 was 7 months old and still bf.
it was a good uni friend, i wanted to go,
i had to express in the car on the M1 and chuck the milk
i had to express in the toilet at the wedding and chuck the milk
my boobs were swollen and sore all day
left the wedding at midnight to get home and my friend was a bit miffed that a) i wasn't staying and b) my dh and I were not drinking (he was driving).

dd was with her grandma and was ok, a bit stressful for my MIL though, even though it was under 24 hours.

those without kids just don't understand, just say you can't come. She will be a bit miffed but will understand in a few years when she is in your position.

[TeddTess]

oh and when i did get to this childfree wedding there were 2 other tiny breastfed babies there! clearly wasn't that much of an issue - i did ask how come their babies were there and they replied "well i'm breastfeeding, i can't exactly leave them". My dd wasn't invited and i didn't have the balls to insist she was invited.

[readytorage]

Go to the wedding