another wedding invite - sorry (but pls read anyway)

[pimsandlemonade]

I genuinely don't know what to do here.
I'll try to be brief.

A good friend is getting married in another country me and DH are invited (no kids). We have two kids, one is a baby (still breastfeeding). My parents have agreed to fly to us across Europe to babysit (and also just visit us). DH is struggling to get the time off from work (he usually works weekends) but possibly can do it, won't know for sure until closer.
I would like to go to the wedding BUT

• I would need to stop breastfeeding
• baby is going through a faze when she just cries when I leave the room , i can't imagine myself enjoying the wedding when I know she's at home potentially screaming
• cost of flying, driving (would need to rent a car at the other end), parking (need to drive 3h to the airport and pay parking on our side), hotel (2 nights), present adds up to ££££
• i'm terrified of flying (would need lots of booze to cope - which might not be entirely negative )

What would you do?
My dad thinks if I don't go i will lose her as a friend...
She was at my wedding and had to fly infor that (easier trip then, and no kids but still), she was a bridesmaid too.

Before anyone suggests we take kids and my parents along and they babysit there - it's too late, they have their tickets and also it would be even more expensive and my mum refused to look after the kids at a hotel.

Help?

[DamsonJam]

Are you sure breastfeeding will prevent you going to the wedding? When one of mine was 10 months old and breastfed (3 feeds a day by that stage), I went to a wedding in another country (short flight) without her - I left her with my husband and I was away for 30 hours in total and it was so completely worth it! :-) (Fed baby in the morning and jumped in a taxi to airport, just made it to wedding in time, left wedding mid/late afternoon to pump (and dump - very alcohol laced milk), and again when I got home at night, and first thing in the morning (well maybe after a bit of a lie-in! :-)) before flying home in time for her mid-afternoon feed). It was an old friends wedding and I had the best time - am so glad I went!

I also went away for a special weekend when another of my DCs was 13 months old and still breastfed - left after her bedtime feed on Friday night, pumped during the weekend (to relieve tenderness rather than for the milk) and was back by mid afternoon feed on Sunday - again it was so completely worth it! :-)

Obviously you do what works for you and your baby (you haven't said how hold DC is and how many months away the wedding is - or maybe I've just missed it - sorry), and I understand that approach won't work for everyone - but just wanted to present that an alternative is possible!

[Samcro]

i wouldn;t go

[hibbleddible]

No way would I go to a wedding in this situation. It sounds like your baby will be far too young to leave, and breastfeeding just makes it impossible.

It is rather thoughtless of her to exclude a nursing infant from a wedding, they are usually exempt from the no child rule. Decline politely, and if she asks be truthful.

[GeezAJammyPeece]

I was really lucky that DC & I lived with my mum when DS was small & I was BFing, they never really squawked if I was away overnight or at least, she never told me if they did! (DP work in a different city & stayed there during the week when he wasn't travelling down 4 nights midweek and although often times either he'd come down or kids & I would go up, sometimes there would be an event or occasion where they needed overnight care rather than just a few hours. I completely understand that we were lucky our two were pretty easy going in this respect, and get your reticence at leaving baby given the current clingyness )

From your updates, it sounds like the bride with the more problematic wedding is a pretty close friend and its perfectly normal to want to share her day & enjoy a wee holiday with DP. If you can manage to sort out his time off and can make satisfactory (to you!) arrangements for DCs that leave you happy and you afford it then I'd say "Go for it!" . Unfortunately, I think the really sticky bit is the not settling without you - it could last for months but, equally, could pass quickly.

How do you feel about discussing it with the bride, saying you are really struggling with logistics and may regretfully have to decline her lovely invitation, even though you both really want to go? She may be able to offer extra suggestion we all haven't thought of!! You could always agree to give her a definite answer by a certain date, that would allow her time for giving final numbers to the venue etc. Also there may be someone else who wasn't invited because for example numbers didn't allow; an answer sooner rather than later could help there too.


You are right though....t'would be FAR more convenient if both nuptials were next year...d'u think your mates would consider rescheduling???

[pimsandlemonade]

So annoying.. Just when i think i've made a decision then someone comes along here (readytorage) and has the opposite view and it makes sense too...
There is a life outside kids, i get that ( well not really right now, but I'd like to have that one day) and if I would know that the kids are fine then that would be great unfortunately as it is now the little one won't be fine she'll be crying hysterically i have know idea for how long, but i really don't want to find out...
If only it was next year... You wait forever for a wedding to go to and then 2 come along just when it's least convenient

[readytorage]

pims lol no!

I was in the just stay and breastfeed etc until I read that your friend thinks that you're going.

Can I ask, have you led her to believe that you're going and given no inkling that you're considering bailing?

It totally depends on you. If you wanted to wind down the BF to be able to go then do it and go and enjoy yourself - your parents sound awesome btw for travelling out to see the grandkids and babysit.

By the same token, if you don't want to stop BFing then be upfront with your friend about what you're doing - don't be surprised if she's a bit upset though.

Completely your choice OP but there's a life outside having children (although I think I'll get flamed on here for saying that) so if you do decide to go then enjoy yourself and know your children will be fine.

[Couldashouldawoulda]

No, no, no! Don't go. Leaving a sad baby at home is no fun. Personally, I'd take the coward's way out and email her, to make sure I explained everything properly. Have a nice few days with your parents at home, instead! Thing is, when you're organising a wedding, the B&G just want to know whether or not you're coming, for numbers. She'll be fine about it. It would be nice to arrange to see them on another occasion some time soon, if possible, though.

[Verticalvenetianblinds]

I'm going to be a bridesmaid soon, ds will be 14 months and still feeding, I'm going to leave him with grandparents and pump while I'm there. Will be Friday night to Sunday night (other end of the country)

So... I'm going to say go to the wedding!

[landrover]

I would say don't go, however if you really do want to go, take your breastfeeding baby with you (wedding will have to say yes to this obviously otherwise you won't go. I know that you said the three year old was having issues, but maybe you could push this as a special attention holiday with grandparents? Because he is so important? Generally a 3 year old would love special time with their GPs?

[pimsandlemonade]

Geez...
Thank you!
You are right, i do want to go!
I really like her I consider her a clise friend even though we live in different ends of Europe. I really like weddings actually too olus i think a couple of days away with DH being able to drink and relax and have fun sounds great. The reality unfortunately won't be fun if i know my youngest is crying at home (this really is the main issue for me- I simply can't do it, can't leave her knowing she will be crying A LOT)
I haven't been away more than a couple of hours at a hairdresser's and that was ages ago when she was still fine with being with others. Nowadays I don't even go to the bathroom on my own...
I must have been deluded thinking i can go to this wedding i just really wanted to believe it myself and when it was a ling way away it was easier to think things will work out.
I really have to speak to my friend...
There have been some good suggestions to that - thanks again!
I really am sorry I can't go!

[Hulababy]

Its an invitation, not a summons,

If she dismisses you as a friend because of a decision not to go - despite her putting very obvious barriers in your way, through he and her partner's own choice - then she isn't a friend worth keeping anyway.

I have no issue with people having child free weddings, getting married wherever or whenever they like. However, they do need to realise that these kind of decisions may have consequences. They cannot then be upset or offended if some people cannot attend.

Send a card (and gift if you like), wish them well, look and comment nicely on their photographs - and save the money and stress. It all sounds too difficult.

[GeezAJammyPeece]

Ydeclinef to still be Breastfeeding ??


You intend to still be Breastfeeding

[GeezAJammyPeece]

What a quandary!
You obviously haven't been able to tell your friend that you are no longer attending because deep down you DO want to go, its just the circumstances that are making it difficult.

PPs are correct though, it is better to let your friend know asap that you can no longer attend.
Just explain it as you have here:
You really want to go
You have been racking your brain, trying to find a way to make it work (this is why you haven't said anything sooner)

Initially, you convinced yourself it was do-able but things have changed:

• you are now further away
  
• Parents initially thought they would cope with kids in hotel if they came to meet you, but now that they have thought about it, they aren't sure they WOULD manage both of them, on their own, in a strange environment (this is perfectly understandable)
  
• Ydeclinef to still be Breastfeeding and worry how to deal with that, given your parents would then be at home with baby, meaning it would be for a longer period than if they were with you and you were just out for the day/evening of the wedding.
  
• DH's work won't guarantee time off and you don't want to say definitely yes, or maybe, then have to decline at the last minute; if he can't get holidays.
  

I wouldn't mention the £cost, TBH you have enough acceptable reasons for not attending; and bringing up the cost may be the one thing that makes an already stressed out bride a bit miffed, especially when she did it when you married. I am NOT saying that is a justified reaction, just that it can sometimes happen

Feel free to keep saying how much you really wanted to go/ don't want to miss it/ feel like you are letting her down, but just feel you are better to decline before it gets any nearer (it will help smooth any ruffled feathers)

Could you arrange a trip to visit them later, and celebrate with them then? Take the kids and make a holiday out it. Planning it now would show her that you DO want to see her and spend time with them.


Most of these suggestions have probably been made in the time its taken me to type this on my phone...lol....

I do hope you find a workable solution.


You wouldnt neccessarily have to give up breastfeeding. I left weeks old DS overnight with my MIL as my mum, DH & I were going to the wedding of a very dear family friend (her mum & mine met in the maternity ward, we grew up together, went to school & activities, sleepovers together etc) . I breastfed for just over a year but was very lucky in that he would take a bottle of expressed milk from someone else if I wasn't there. If you eventually decide to go, would building up a stockpile of expressed milk that your mum could give baby, be a possibility? I used to take a small manual pump with me overnight and express when necessary (kept refrigerated/frozen for future use, or discarded if I had had a small refreshment)

[pimsandlemonade]

Thanks again for all the advice!
Interested in the one comment saying go to the wedding!?!? Are you my friend?

[AntiqueSinger]

I wouldn't drop my breastfeeding so that I could attend a wedding. I say decline.

[readytorage]

Go to the wedding

[TeddTess]

oh and when i did get to this childfree wedding there were 2 other tiny breastfed babies there! clearly wasn't that much of an issue - i did ask how come their babies were there and they replied "well i'm breastfeeding, i can't exactly leave them". My dd wasn't invited and i didn't have the balls to insist she was invited.

[TeddTess]

I went to a "no kids" wedding 200 mile drive away when DD1 was 7 months old and still bf.
it was a good uni friend, i wanted to go,
i had to express in the car on the M1 and chuck the milk
i had to express in the toilet at the wedding and chuck the milk
my boobs were swollen and sore all day
left the wedding at midnight to get home and my friend was a bit miffed that a) i wasn't staying and b) my dh and I were not drinking (he was driving).

dd was with her grandma and was ok, a bit stressful for my MIL though, even though it was under 24 hours.

those without kids just don't understand, just say you can't come. She will be a bit miffed but will understand in a few years when she is in your position.

[Boredworkingmum020]

Tell your friend you can't leave your children behind whilst you leave the country, I don't know many parents who could so can they come to the wedding as you can't make other arrangements. Then the ball is in her court. I can't believe someone would expect you to do this (mind you I never understand the no kids at weddings thing but each to their own)

[IJustLostTheGame]

Decline.
I left my breastfed baby for one evening (6 hours) when she was 9 months old.
Everyone swore blind she would be OK.
I didnt want to go.
She would accept sippy cups too by then but still preferred boon, especially when tired.
I came home and she had screamed the whole evening, she wanted boob.
I was angry nobody had called me to come home.
No way would I have been a flight away.
I had planned to wean her off boob by then but dd had other ideas.
She went mental for weeks if I left the room even for a second and wouldn't be passed about any more. I had my own personal limpet.

[blowmybarnacles]

Don't go. No wedding dictates how you feed your baby.

If she can't get it, let go.

I would ring her though, don't email - just ring and talk to her.

[HackerFucker22]

I absolutely would not go. The BF'ing alone is reason enough without factoring in everything else.

If she is a true friend she'll understand.

[MollyCule]

I think I would decline as well. I can understand not wanting to upset your friend but she's putting you in a difficult position by not allowing you to bring the baby. I have a friend who's getting married later this year and she's not inviting kids either, but she has said that obviously it's different for babies - and I will be able to bring my baby (wouldn't go otherwise).

If you do decline I would definitely call her to explain rather than email/ text, especially if she is a close friend. In my friend group I can think of two instances where a text message declining a wedding invitation caused huge upset, which was more down to the fact that they had just texted instead of calling (rather than the fact that they were declining).

I'm sure she may be upset and disappointed initially, but to be honest, if you get married abroad you have to be prepared for people not be able to make it - especially if they have small children! I got married in the UK but a lot of my friends and family live abroad. I was disappointed about a few people not being able to make my wedding but got over it fairly quickly, especially as they had genuinely good reasons not to be able to come (as you do).

[nmg85]

Don't go... you will spend money for an event you won't enjoy because you will be anxious about your kids especially the baby. If she really is a friend then she will understand the situation and get over it. Although it is fine for everyone to have their wedding how they want it people who don't invite whole families to weddings need to understand that not everyone can make arrangements and attend its the same as those who get married on a week day and then get annoyed that someone can't get the day off.

[Roseberrry]

No way would I stop breastfeeding at 6 months for a wedding! If you don't want to stop then don't go, you'll regret it. If you are happy to stop then I think everything else could be overcome.