To be terrified of moving to China

[TiffanyBonj]

DH and I have been together for 13 years, he's Chinese but has lived in England for 15+ years, we have two DC's 9 and 7, who can poorly speak Mandarin but not read or write anything.

DH is an only child with Elderly parents, for the past few years, his parents have become a real worry for him, they're all alone in a big city, a lot of their friends have either moved away to live with relatives or have sadly passed on.

Last summer I finally agreed to move to China and have the in laws live with us, so they'll always have company or extra help. They don't speak English and I don't speak a word of Mandarin, although I've been taking lessons the past few months.

Everything has been going smoothly so far, DH and I managed to secure work for when we move, the kids have been accepted into an International school, we've got a property to live in, all that's left is to book the tickets but I'm completely and utterly petrified.

I don't even know why, the mere thought of getting flight tickets and moving, makes me sick, I didn't feel like this before but now I'm so bloody scared, it's too late to back out but I can't help feeling like this, I don't know what to do.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Do you know many Chinese people at the moment, apart from dh?

[dreame]

I think you'll be fine. It's a big change - obviously! - but it's a major city. International schools always have a good parent community with lots of activities to get involved in because everybody is in he same boat. Unless it's an "international" school which is mainly full of local families, but there are usually still some other non-local families.

It's totally normal to feel sad, nervous, afraid and a hundred other feelings too before international moves.

It really helps if you've got something to go to though so do think again about getting in touch with some people already there (and check out expat blogs). It only helps to have more info and even contacts before you arrive.

[BlueRocksPinkPebbles]

Tiffany, in a way i have to thank you for starting this thread as reading the replies makes me feel excited. There may be a couple of potential job opportunities for DH in China, and we have been discussing what it would be like to leave our little town in England and start over. I am not sure about this but the thought of doing something completely different and dc going to International School rather than the local comp. Did you say where you will go?

[NationMcKinley]

My brother travels frequently to Shanghai for work and absolutely loves it! It's his favourite city and he travels A LOT. If he didn't have a young daughter with his ex then I think he'd seriously consider moving there.

I think you're completely normal to be anxious, I think it would be odd if you weren't.

Best of luck

[paintandbrush]

If it helps, I moved to sub-Saharan Africa last year to a country with a 30% AIDS rate, malaria, etc. I've never been so terrified getting on a plane. Insider tip- take a good stiff drink once you're on board, steadies the old nerves.

It was only a short term thing but I found that the whole social scene was very much based round the American (international) school, it had a real community feel about it. Polo ground and golf club were also good that way. Don't worry OP- it really will be ok.

[betsyderek]

I work in China sometimes on joint venture projects. I don't particularly enjoy it but only tend to go to boring places. I don't really like the place in terms of food or culture and find the animal cruelty abhorrent. That said, I work in a boring industry. My other half is a headteacher in Dubai and works with Chinese British Schools sometimes. A lot of our expat friends who teach go to China and say it's the same as Dubai or Singapore etc in that expats live fairly generic lives and are unaffected by the harshest aspects of the culture. The only negative thing I hear again and again is that pollution can be very limiting at certain times of year. But then usually they say that when they are leaving and expats generally do moan a lot 😉

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

Shanghai is amazing and the expat community is huge. You will have a great time. It will be a culture shock to be sure, but also a great adventure.

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

Pollution is really bad though. Stay out of the rain ( it stings your eyes).

[KitKat1985]

I guess the question for me is do you want to move to China but are just having (understandable) nerves about the whole thing, or do you really not want to go?

[MyLocal]

I think it is important you address how long this is for with you DH. Very important. Is this until his DP pass? Is it until your children start to consider university? Is it for ever? What happens when your DP get elderly and need help? How will you deal with homesickness and visits home? Do you ever intend to work in China? What happens if you HATE it and your DH refuses to let you come back with the children? It's not just the massive culture shock but other things further down the line. Your children will not be eligible for home student status unless you are back in the uk 3 years before they apply. You may not be able to afford frequent trips back.

I don't want to be negative but you need to get your ducks in a row first, and then you can embrace this wonderful experience.

[LadyMonicaBaddingham]

What an adventure for your family! I agree with PPs who have advised the international school being a great source of advice... also see if they have a Facebook group for parents and see about making some connections before you arrive.

[thefemalegeek]

I lived in China for 2 years starting when my kids were 10 and 12 and I really understand how you feel. Do you have an exit strategy for coming home? My advice would be to make sure that you have one before you leave, so that everyone is clear about what the move means. Maybe you plan to stay there for good? If not, what (or who) will trigger a move home and how will you sort out schools, jobs, house etc for your return?
I would also say that you will go through a cycle of emotions, from excitement when everything is new and novel (I only want to eat dumplings!), to despair (I hate dumplings!) to acceptance and enjoyment (I sometimes like dumplings, sometimes shepherds pie).
You will have a great advantage integrating with the local community with your husband and his family paving the way. But as others have said, although you will want to immerse yourself in your new country, expats can be a tremendous support as they understand what you are going through.
Living in China with children can be hard. There are big problems with fake medicines, pollution, food quality etc. I often saw meat sold in big supermarkets covered with mould, but with in date sell-by labels. If the food is off, fake the label.
If you go into this adventure with your eyes open, reading as much as you can about other expat's experiences (good and bad) as well as about your new country and culture, you and your family will gain memories for a lifetime and a perspective on the world only a few are lucky enough to experience.
Sorry this got long! Do pm me if you would like to and good luck!

[Etainagain]

China is a fabulous country, but I can understand your concerns and I think MyLocal has raised some interesting points. My main worry would be what would happen if your relationship breaks down. What are custody rights in China? When I lived in Taiwan (a LONG time ago though...more than 25 yrs), husbands automatically got custody of the children.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I absolutely loved China and would love to live there for a while. However, having moved country more than once...

Watch for culture shock in you and the children. There's a thread running in Overseas about someone whose child is experiencing it.

What happens if you hate it, the ILs are dreadful, you want to move home and DH doesn't?

Make yourself go out and do things. Make yourself; even if you don't want to. I got a little agoraphobic when I didn't. And I'm a massive extrovert.

Small things that you take for granted will be harder. Posting something. Getting a quick lunch. It's a grind for a while. Be kind to yourself.

Enjoy China. It's massive, different to the UK and so, so interesting. I found the people we met to be kind, funny and helpful.

[dodgeballqueen]

What are the long term plans OP? Sorry to be blunt but are you moving to China until his parents pass away, or forever?

Are you aware of The Hague Convention?

[HermioneWeasley]

Some good advice here OP, but it sounds like an amazing opportunity for your kids - being able to read and write Chinese is a really rare skill in America and Europe and massively widens their employability. Likewise being fluent in English in China.

[Brummiegirl15]

My Mum and Dad and my brother and sister (so basically my entire family!) lived in Shanghai for 15 years. They loved it!!!!! We as a family still talk about it now and I'm so sad that I met my DP after my family returned home from China (they've been home 5 years now)

Shanghai is fabulous, very westernised and so easy to get to now that BA and Virgin fly daily, plus the Chinese carriers (not that I'd ever travel with them) when I used to travel there when they first moved you had to fly to Hong Kong to the old airport then another flight to Shanghai. Aaahhh those were the days flying in to Hong Kong with the wings practically brushing past someone's washing on the 20th floor of a tower block, you half expected someone's pants to be on the nose of the 747 when you landed

But once all the direct flights started it became so much easier. I was at uni when they first moved and I flew there every holiday and spent normal time with my family. They just happened to live in China.

Anyway I digress, huge expat community - my DB and DSis went to the Shanghai American School but Dulwich have set up a school as well as huge numbers of Brits living there now. And everyone becomes friends, my family have friends living all over the world

Shanghai is amazing.

[AmayaBuzzbee]

I second the suggestion above to have a clear exit/back out plan in place before you go, just in case things don't work out ok for you. Better to be safe than sorry.

I went to Shanghai once through work, and based on that experience will never be travelling to China again -ever. I found it to be very unwelcoming and scary place for a lone female traveller, and would trust no one (based on my own, and a colleagues completely separate experience couple of years later). We (seasoned travellers through work) were both scammed and colleague was placed in a very dangerous situation by corrupt 'officials'. It is easy for anybody to take advantage of you if you aren't fluent in the language and don't know your bearings in a new city.

I hope all will be fine for you, sounds like others here have had much better experiences than I did. I hope all works out fine, but best have the get out plan in place, just in case.

[TiffanyBonj]

In Laws are in their early 80's they currently have a full time carer, which we will continue to use, having them live under the same roof as us is more to provide company then to take care of them but I'm well aware that everyone will have to do their bit. I've been to Shanghai once before a few years back, liked the city well enough but it was a rather short visit and DH's in laws are as nice as people you can't communicate with can be.

We plan to get return tickets for Easter, I think if we come back at Christmas, we'll all just get really home sick, so it's better to stick it out for at least 8 months before a trip back. The current exit plan is to give it at least a year, if I or the DC's honestly can't stand it after that, then we plan to return home.

The current long term plan, is to stay until the in-laws pass on, but if they haven't done so by the time eldest DC is 13, then we'll have to seriously consider permanently relocating to China or to move back to England.

We've spoken about what we'll happen in case we split up, we'll hopefully both do whatever's best for our DC's, Chinese custody law is rather similar to the UK, no parent is favoured, they will put the child's interests first, however I know that just because that's what written doesn't mean it's applied by the courts

[thefemalegeek]

Is it possible to make another visit before you go permanently? A holiday when you know you will be going home soon is very different from a reconnaisance visit with emigration in mind and you might see things you hadn't noticed before. Chinese society is quite harsh if you are used to the UK.

[WildImaginings]

I lived in China (returned a couple of years ago) and I absolutely loved it. I went over there as a lone female traveller, and left with a huge group of friends who I still keep in touch with.

As some previous posters have said, the trick is to go in with your eyes open. I read up a lot before I went there, and as such, I wasn't too shocked by some of the um...unique aspects of China!

I stayed in Beijing for a month, but I spent the majority of my time in Sichuan province. I loved the local food and the local people, and if you ever do fancy a taste of home, there are plenty of expat pubs and restaurants. I found myself throwing myself into the local cuisine though, and I absolutely loved it!

Make sure you have a reliable VPN sorted before you go, as it's a nightmare otherwise to access even mainstream sites. Astrill is good, and very reasonable.

I was in China for less than a year, and because I was working as an English teacher my opportunities to learn Mandarin were limited. If I'd been there longer, I would have learned. HOWEVER, this did not cause me any problems at all! Mime and interpretive dance came in useful at times, but I would recommend downloading the pleco app- it's a fantastic translation tool.

[Oohparcel]

I lived in Shanghai with small kids for two years. The expat community is big and very friendly. You can get by with very little Mandarin. You will meet people through school. I suggest you join shanghai mamas (shanghaimamas.org) - great advice and a great way to meet people. They used to have coffee mornings and set you up with a buddy. I made lots of friends. Good luck!

[WildImaginings]

Meant to add to my previous post- I never went to Shanghai, but I had friends who were posted there. They absolutely loved it, and they said the expat community was fantastic.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

My friends who went on secondments to Shanghai had to be dragged back. They loved it. It's a massive culture shock, but actually it will bring you all closer as a family, your DCs will experience their dad's 'home' culture, you're doing a wonderful thing for the ILs... It will be amazing.

All that said, it is totally, totally natural to be bricking it.

[Hirosleaftunnel]

This is a huge opportunity for your children OP. China and Asia really is the future for young people in terms of opportunity and learning about a positive, can do attitude towards life and work. I also think that with your elderly PILS already there it won't be the huge shock that it is for most ex pats as your DH will have a ready made network. I think once your Mando gets more fluent things will be easier. Also if you are missing the UK you can always pop down to HK which is nearly as good with M&s etc! I have found the Chinese to be extremely welcoming, friendly and positive people. We are here permenantly and it is difficult sometimes because we have no family are roots here. Also remember that you won't need to cook, clean or anything like that so happy days! I love China (human rights aside) and hopefully you will too.