To be annoyed at in-laws changing my surname when I haven't

[Chinashoes]

I have been married for five years but have never changed my surname. My in-laws know this (MIL has complained about it to DH, one of his aunties has seen the need to bring it up at three separate parties, everyone received a full explanation when we gave our kids both of our names) yet they continually send post addressed to me but with my husband's surname. More recently, after me clarifying things yet again to the auntie in front of the rest of the family, they have also started to call me Mrs D H. I've never made a fuss about this to any of them but it really does upset me. I feel that they're deliberately disrespecting my choice when they know that this is important to me, and now using the Mrs DH thing as a passive aggressive way to say "we won't call you your name". I'm starting to think about texting people as and when it happens to say "you know this isn't my surname, please call me Ms Shoes from now on", or maybe posting about it on Facebook. Would this be unreasonable, given how long this conversation has gone on for?

[RedToothBrush]

Put completely wrong names on Birthday cards but otherwise be sweet as pie and accept it.

They will question it. Confirm its correct. They will go batshit.

When they do, politely say that you thought it was the done thing in the family to deliberately address people by the wrong name and you were merely joining in with the in joke.

And yes, your husband needs a kick up the arse for allowing his parents to do this. Make sure he gets a Birthday addressed to the wrong name too.

[TheRealBarenziah]

I get this too sometimes - passive-aggressive in laws giving me DH's surname, and often calling me Mrs rather than Dr. I do find it very disrespectful.

It's also a lot of hassle - older relatives still send Christmas money via cheque, and of course Mrs DHname doesn't exist, so said passive-aggressive inlaws are forever sending me cheques I can't pay in. Oh well, rewriting them causes said in-laws more hassle in the end

[Pangurban1]

They must be laying it on a little if they have started addressing post as 'mrs. dh'. And they know you have not changed your own name to something else.

I have only ever used my own name. People do sometimes address me using the 'mrs' thing. Teachers tend to do this. Teachers I have been in email contact with using my own name. I think sometimes there is an element of leftover courtesy or formality about it. I don't correct them in conversation because it makes an issue of something I don't think they mean as a discourtesy. I think it is a left over from a different age.

[Pangurban1]

Just to clarify, I don't think the teachers who do it to me are intending any discourtesy.

Your in-laws would appear to be acquainted with how you sincerely wish to be addressed. In that context, they are being a little discourteous to make it known how they feel about it, by ignoring your wishes.

[lorelei9here]

I would honestly tell them to fuck off. Why mix with people who don't treat you well?

[Fourfifthsof]

My MIL does this too - if she sends me a birthday card she'll just write DH's full name or initials and just stick Mrs in front! I've changed my whole name on getting married - not just my last name apparently!

It used to drive me mad until I realised that me not changing my name bothers her much, much more than incorrectly addressed stuff bothers me - now I just ignore it and let her get as cross as she likes.

[Cornishclio]

You are not BU but personally I would ignore it. It is a bit sad these people have nothing to do with their time then try and obviously wind you up. Honestly though the only post I get from ILs is birthday cards, who sends post these days? If someone sent me a birthday card addressed to the wrong name with the sole intention of winding me up it would go in the bin and not be acknowledged. I also would not bother with sending them cards but then I cannot be bothered with people who are petty and passive aggressive, life is too short.

[Pseudo341]

Next time the aunt accosts you about it I'd be tempted to tell her you've had enough and are filing for a divorce since apparently nothing else will be good enough to make them realize what your real name is. YANBU, it's really rude. It winds me up when people send post to DH and I as Mr and Mrs "his initial" surname.

[Janecc]

I have the same problem.DH and I both double barrelled. Fil refers to us all as dhs name. My mother sends me letters with Mrs and my husbands initials and correct surname. Apparently I also completely changed my name. So I address her letters with her initials as her husband is still alive. He is very ill and when he passes I shall start to use his initials (which is the wrong way round, she should only ever be addressed with her initials as a widow). Very passive aggressive I know and I have blatantly asked her to stop and she has ridiculed me. Narcissist, horrible to me all the time, long story.

[Janecc]

Oh and fil also uses dhs name for our DD also double barrelled obvs.

[SquareDolphin]

I also have this, only with my sister but I think she used to do it very deliberately because she didn't agree with my personal choice.

So, I explained that she needed to use my correct name else I was unable to collect post from post office...I needed any name to match my passport name as they required photo ID for collection.

She wouldn't let it fucking go, and suggested my DH could pick anything up for me

I politely explained that since the person she was addressing post to does not exist, nobody would be able to collect, and all post would be RTS by the post office, who would likely try to charge her for the expense (Australia to London).

I've had no problems since. Also not much post from her

[Savagebeauty]

Oh I had this
I double-barrelled my name, and DC's have my name
But ILs addressed DC's birthday cards to Miss Jane Smith, not Smith-Jones (fake names BTW)
When I divorced I was told by ex and FIL that I had to "give H's name back and the DC's must just have his name"

Ex got quite hysterical about it.
Of course I ignored the test.

[MoggyP]

"(which is the wrong way round, she should only ever be addressed with her initials as a widow)"

That's not correct. If someone has been happy to be called Mrs John Doe during her husband's life, then there is no reason to change this on his death unless she requests it. (indeed some would argue heartless to do so, especially if the bereaved person's social circle consider 'Mrs Jane Doe' to be a divorcee who has not changed name back).

Bit like there's no need to change someone's name on marriage unless they request it.

Piss around with the passive aggression at other times if you wish. But not with the newly bereaved. Both because it's heartless, and the pragmatic reason that people will think you are the one in the wrong.

[CasperGutman]

"(which is the wrong way round, she should only ever be addressed with her initials as a widow)"

I agree with the previous poster that this statement is incorrect.

As an example of etiquette from a bygone era, I was recently looking at my parents' 1970s wedding album. My mum's father had died many years earlier, and the wording on the invitation was still "Mrs Timothy Shufflebottom* requests the pleasure of your company at the wedding of her daughter... ".

*For the avoidance of doubt, this was not really his name.

[eddielizzard]

don't post on fb.

you could write 'return to sender, not known at this address' on the post they send you. and if they say it to your face you say 'that's not my name'!

or you have to ignore it and keep on using your name.

very disrespectful of them.

[sashh]

Have a redirect put on the post so it goes back to her without even being delivered to you.

Also agree with calling her a different name. I heard of identical twins who had an uncle who 'couldn't tell them apart' so they both started calling him by a different uncle's name and swearing they could not twll the difference.

[Chinashoes]

Thanks people, there is some very helpful advice here - particularly to avoid posting on fb, it is true that that is childish, I was just feeling a bit exasperated last night - and a broad spectrum of views, it's good to see the other side.
Interestingly, when I say ILs I don't just mean MIL and her sister but also two SILs who are not much older than me. And you would be surprised at how much post they do send. Easter cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards, several written invitations, thank you cards, printed photos sent in post, small things we've left at their houses posted back etc etc. I suppose you could say they are kind of old fashioned, for better or worse.
I have never said anything about the post although I have explained very clearly what my name is and why on the many occasions that others have brought it up. As such I don't think I'm trying to be right here but just feeling really frustrated that they keep going with this and refuse to respect who I am. Some posters have used the term bullying and I do think this is part of a wider pattern of passive aggressive criticism.

[JapanNextYear]

Mine do this, and a couple of friends do too. They seem to think that somehow my name has changed magically just due to marriage. It hasn't.

I just let it go though and figure it's more their problem than mine.

[Chinashoes]

They are for example of the school that small babies should be fed on schedule and left to cry and since I am not they would often say to my babies when they were getting upset or just wanted feeding "you are spoilt". They'd never say it directly to me so I could actually have a conversation about the different approaches and why we were going with this one. Then when challenged by DH or me they'd just be like "oh we only meant..." Similarly I feel they'd do this if challenged on the post, even though they are clearly making a statement by putting Mrs D H.

[RattieOfCatan]

I'd start getting arsey about it. I got grief from my own family when I didn't change my name. DHs family just shrugged it off! Apart from one anyway. DHs grandad refers to me as Mrs Rattie DHsurname. He also spells my name wrong. But he gets away with it and is the only person who does as he's at least polite about it unlike the patronising pushiness of being called Mrs by some

DH and I have almost identical names (Think Jack and Jackie) and I hate the idea of being Mrs Jackie Smith to his Mr Jack Smith and I love my surname, why people can't respect it I don't know. My usually lovely Nan moans about it every time I see her, I've had to start telling her to drop it. Though she's now fretting over the fact we'll be double barelling our child's name when it is born

[MajesticWhine]

I would tend to think it is ignorance and being old fashioned rather than being deliberately rude. Taking a surname is a longstanding convention so it's just a mistake, albeit an ongoing one so it wouldn't really bother me. But since it bothers you just keep telling them as politely as you can, to address post mr a and ms b.

For people who double barrel their DC names, what will happen when those DC have children? will they get triple or quadruple barrelled surnames?

[murphyslaws]

Personally I would say directly that's not my name.

Cards returned stating "know body at this address".

Start saying nan instead of grandma,

I would be very direct!

[Blu]

Yes, the next generation of double-barreled children will forge ahead , unthinkingly doing what their parents did and I fully expect my grandchildren to have eight surnames.

Alternatively they will do whatever they like, free of pressure and tradition, and choose one of each names, maybe one mother's name and one of the father's, or choose a new name, or use the single name it combination that works best for them.

Whatever my DC decide to do: take the name of a female or male partner, or any other combination, I will do everyone the courtesy of reflecting their decision and calling them by the right name.

[madcapcat]

My inlaws and one or two of my older relatives can't get the hang of this and always send everything addressed to me as Mrs DH. I just ignore it though because (in their case) they're not doing it maliciously. Only time I have a problem is when one of them sends a cheque addressed either t Mr and Mrs DH or Mrs DH because my bank won't accept them, even when accompanied by a copy of our marriage certificate.

[GrinAndTonic]

I feel your pain. I didn't change my name and my DM knew I wouldn't after the wedding. She was the defacto MC at the wedding and introduced me as Mrs John Smith. On cards she still addresses them to me as Mrs John Smith. I am not sure when I changed my first name, last name and gender.