To be annoyed at in-laws changing my surname when I haven't

[Chinashoes]

I have been married for five years but have never changed my surname. My in-laws know this (MIL has complained about it to DH, one of his aunties has seen the need to bring it up at three separate parties, everyone received a full explanation when we gave our kids both of our names) yet they continually send post addressed to me but with my husband's surname. More recently, after me clarifying things yet again to the auntie in front of the rest of the family, they have also started to call me Mrs D H. I've never made a fuss about this to any of them but it really does upset me. I feel that they're deliberately disrespecting my choice when they know that this is important to me, and now using the Mrs DH thing as a passive aggressive way to say "we won't call you your name". I'm starting to think about texting people as and when it happens to say "you know this isn't my surname, please call me Ms Shoes from now on", or maybe posting about it on Facebook. Would this be unreasonable, given how long this conversation has gone on for?

[lorelei9here]

Puzzled by posters saying it's ignorance
The OP has explained and specifically said it got worse after the latest explanation.

I'd send post back or bin it. Say "I didn't get a card....you did remember to address it to me...anything with Mrs DH on it goes in the bin, it can't be from anyone I know".

[contrary13]

There's a bit of this going on in my family, too... My DC are both double-barrelled, but one uses both parts, and the other uses only the first part. Entirely their choice - I figure that their names are theirs to do with/use how they like. I also only use the first part of the surname... having legally changed it from my father's surname as soon as I was old enough to do so (for no reason other than I hated the name and always had done, and my DF was lovely about it). My children's name also uses my father's surname, though, because he was quite upset when my oldest was born about his name disappearing completely. It was a small thing, it made him happy, and I figured that my children might like his surname even though I don't (one does; one doesn't).

Neither have their fathers surname.

My maternal grandmother persists in sending us mail address to "Miss My Father's Surname", for me (I'm neither "Miss", nor "My Father's Surname" and haven't been for 25 years now), and "Miss/Master Their Fathers Surname" for the children. For a long while I'd patiently correct her... think it was all sorted... then find myself gritting my teeth the next time she sent cards. It was a total faff, because she'd send cheques for birthdays, the children's of which I'd then have to sort out (never cashed mine: I have never wanted anything from her; but the children's weren't mine to decide about, in one way). An endless loop of frustration and irritation. And then it dawned on me that she wasn't doing it because she was forgetful - quite the opposite. It put her in the position of being a victim, of some sort, whilst she was manipulating my emotions and controlling a situation. I stopped correcting her. I stopped contacting her about changing the children's cheques over (I simply gave them the amount myself). She contacted my mother (whom I'd not lived with for over 15 years at that point) to ask why. Not me; my mother. As though I was nothing more than a silly little child who needed to be put back into place by my elders and supposedly betters. My mother asked me, only to be told that I'd made the executive decision that if my grandmother couldn't have the manners to respect mine and my children's names - then I wasn't going to respect her need to be in absolute control of us. We'd never been close (for various reasons, which I won't go into here), my DC barely knew her, it wasn't a hardship not to have her in our lives (in almost 12 years, she's met my DS three times - upset him to the point of tears twice, and told him that Santa doesn't exist, on Christmas Day, when he was 3 years old!).

Now, she tries to send the cards through my mother - who realised that she couldn't force me to accept them. After all... they're not addressed to us, they're addressed to people who either have never, or no longer exist...

As for my ex-inlaws, they were quicker to grasp that the DC don't have their surname at all. They knew me when I still had to use my father's surname, so it took them a while to grasp that I'd changed my name (my own parents took to the change very smoothly, in comparison) and the concept of the DC not being labelled as part of "their tribe"... confused them, I think, into simply not bothering with surnames. Any/all post is addressed to us by our first names. Much simpler.

[Brekekekex]

I didn't change my name. One of my friends complained "but it's so hard to remember!". Whaaat? She's known me as Brekekekex Koax for 10 years, how can it be hard to just.....keep calling me that? She was pretty sheepish when I pointed that out - fortunately she took it well

OP - no idea what you can do about your ILs, but yes, in your case it is rude, disrespectful and borderline bullying, so YANBU.

[RattieOfCatan]

Majestic IMO for my kids I'd be happy for them to drop a name, bit like how they would do it in Spain I suppose.

We considered creating a new family name from our names upon marriage (several combinations that would have worked and wouldn't be out of the realm of normal) but I didn't want to lose my name. I have a very unique surname in the UK whilst DHs is extremely common, so it gives our children the best of both worlds. DHs name when they want anonymity and my name if they want to stand out. If I double barrel my own name I'll be using my surname on anything professional still as there are people in the field I want to get into with Rattie DHName already!

[SilverBirchWithout]

You've let them know your reasons and how you feel about it yet they still persist in addressing things to you incorrectly. They are rude and enjoying making a point to you that they don't approve and IMO being goady.

You have a choice; you can ignore and smile to yourself about their rudeness and stupidity or keep reacting and feeding their strange pleasure in goading you into reacting (& no doubt they love talking together about Shoes and her 'weird name obsession').

What they are doing is a sort of bullying and certainly disrespecting your choices. They are enjoying making you annoyed. Don't feed that, ignore their pathetic social ineptness.

[MetalMidget]

My mother told me that there was no point in getting married if I wasn't going to take my husband's name!

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

It doesn't sound like forgetfulness. It sounds like people who have taken umbrage because OP has not adopted their name labouring the point in a fairly childish way. I can also well believe it because it is the kind of thing one or two people I know would do.

I would get your Dh to have a word to the PIL and SIL, OP,explaining that it has tipped over from stubbornness to a lack of respect. If after that they still do it, be very direct with them about it.

[TeamEponine]

Dies!!! Does - stupid iPhone!!!

[TeamEponine]

I kept my surname, but it is a little easier as both DH and I have the titles of Dr. So I avoid the "Mrs" issue.

My MIL, who is lovely, dies find it difficult to get her head around me having kept my name. DH isn't from the UK, and is from a culture when a woman keeping their own name is totally unheard of. MIL is in her 70's and me not changing my name was the first time she had ever heard of it happening. She's really trying to get her head around it, but can't quite. Post to me is named in various ways. Post for both DH and I is usually addressed to Dr and Dr DHname. Post just for me can just have my name only, but sometimes she includes both, so Dr DHname MyName.

I really don't take offence as I know she's not doing it to be awkward, PA or to make a point. She is trying!

We decided that DD would have my surname, and MIL similarly will tend to address post to DD with both surnames. She is totally fine with DD having my name, but seems to find it difficult to break from her cultural conventions.

[GrinAndTonic]

I feel your pain. I didn't change my name and my DM knew I wouldn't after the wedding. She was the defacto MC at the wedding and introduced me as Mrs John Smith. On cards she still addresses them to me as Mrs John Smith. I am not sure when I changed my first name, last name and gender.

[madcapcat]

My inlaws and one or two of my older relatives can't get the hang of this and always send everything addressed to me as Mrs DH. I just ignore it though because (in their case) they're not doing it maliciously. Only time I have a problem is when one of them sends a cheque addressed either t Mr and Mrs DH or Mrs DH because my bank won't accept them, even when accompanied by a copy of our marriage certificate.

[Blu]

Yes, the next generation of double-barreled children will forge ahead , unthinkingly doing what their parents did and I fully expect my grandchildren to have eight surnames.

Alternatively they will do whatever they like, free of pressure and tradition, and choose one of each names, maybe one mother's name and one of the father's, or choose a new name, or use the single name it combination that works best for them.

Whatever my DC decide to do: take the name of a female or male partner, or any other combination, I will do everyone the courtesy of reflecting their decision and calling them by the right name.

[murphyslaws]

Personally I would say directly that's not my name.

Cards returned stating "know body at this address".

Start saying nan instead of grandma,

I would be very direct!

[MajesticWhine]

I would tend to think it is ignorance and being old fashioned rather than being deliberately rude. Taking a surname is a longstanding convention so it's just a mistake, albeit an ongoing one so it wouldn't really bother me. But since it bothers you just keep telling them as politely as you can, to address post mr a and ms b.

For people who double barrel their DC names, what will happen when those DC have children? will they get triple or quadruple barrelled surnames?

[RattieOfCatan]

I'd start getting arsey about it. I got grief from my own family when I didn't change my name. DHs family just shrugged it off! Apart from one anyway. DHs grandad refers to me as Mrs Rattie DHsurname. He also spells my name wrong. But he gets away with it and is the only person who does as he's at least polite about it unlike the patronising pushiness of being called Mrs by some

DH and I have almost identical names (Think Jack and Jackie) and I hate the idea of being Mrs Jackie Smith to his Mr Jack Smith and I love my surname, why people can't respect it I don't know. My usually lovely Nan moans about it every time I see her, I've had to start telling her to drop it. Though she's now fretting over the fact we'll be double barelling our child's name when it is born

[Chinashoes]

They are for example of the school that small babies should be fed on schedule and left to cry and since I am not they would often say to my babies when they were getting upset or just wanted feeding "you are spoilt". They'd never say it directly to me so I could actually have a conversation about the different approaches and why we were going with this one. Then when challenged by DH or me they'd just be like "oh we only meant..." Similarly I feel they'd do this if challenged on the post, even though they are clearly making a statement by putting Mrs D H.

[JapanNextYear]

Mine do this, and a couple of friends do too. They seem to think that somehow my name has changed magically just due to marriage. It hasn't.

I just let it go though and figure it's more their problem than mine.

[Chinashoes]

Thanks people, there is some very helpful advice here - particularly to avoid posting on fb, it is true that that is childish, I was just feeling a bit exasperated last night - and a broad spectrum of views, it's good to see the other side.
Interestingly, when I say ILs I don't just mean MIL and her sister but also two SILs who are not much older than me. And you would be surprised at how much post they do send. Easter cards, Christmas cards, birthday cards, several written invitations, thank you cards, printed photos sent in post, small things we've left at their houses posted back etc etc. I suppose you could say they are kind of old fashioned, for better or worse.
I have never said anything about the post although I have explained very clearly what my name is and why on the many occasions that others have brought it up. As such I don't think I'm trying to be right here but just feeling really frustrated that they keep going with this and refuse to respect who I am. Some posters have used the term bullying and I do think this is part of a wider pattern of passive aggressive criticism.

[sashh]

Have a redirect put on the post so it goes back to her without even being delivered to you.

Also agree with calling her a different name. I heard of identical twins who had an uncle who 'couldn't tell them apart' so they both started calling him by a different uncle's name and swearing they could not twll the difference.

[eddielizzard]

don't post on fb.

you could write 'return to sender, not known at this address' on the post they send you. and if they say it to your face you say 'that's not my name'!

or you have to ignore it and keep on using your name.

very disrespectful of them.

[CasperGutman]

"(which is the wrong way round, she should only ever be addressed with her initials as a widow)"

I agree with the previous poster that this statement is incorrect.

As an example of etiquette from a bygone era, I was recently looking at my parents' 1970s wedding album. My mum's father had died many years earlier, and the wording on the invitation was still "Mrs Timothy Shufflebottom* requests the pleasure of your company at the wedding of her daughter... ".

*For the avoidance of doubt, this was not really his name.

[MoggyP]

"(which is the wrong way round, she should only ever be addressed with her initials as a widow)"

That's not correct. If someone has been happy to be called Mrs John Doe during her husband's life, then there is no reason to change this on his death unless she requests it. (indeed some would argue heartless to do so, especially if the bereaved person's social circle consider 'Mrs Jane Doe' to be a divorcee who has not changed name back).

Bit like there's no need to change someone's name on marriage unless they request it.

Piss around with the passive aggression at other times if you wish. But not with the newly bereaved. Both because it's heartless, and the pragmatic reason that people will think you are the one in the wrong.

[Savagebeauty]

Oh I had this
I double-barrelled my name, and DC's have my name
But ILs addressed DC's birthday cards to Miss Jane Smith, not Smith-Jones (fake names BTW)
When I divorced I was told by ex and FIL that I had to "give H's name back and the DC's must just have his name"

Ex got quite hysterical about it.
Of course I ignored the test.

[SquareDolphin]

I also have this, only with my sister but I think she used to do it very deliberately because she didn't agree with my personal choice.

So, I explained that she needed to use my correct name else I was unable to collect post from post office...I needed any name to match my passport name as they required photo ID for collection.

She wouldn't let it fucking go, and suggested my DH could pick anything up for me

I politely explained that since the person she was addressing post to does not exist, nobody would be able to collect, and all post would be RTS by the post office, who would likely try to charge her for the expense (Australia to London).

I've had no problems since. Also not much post from her

[Janecc]

Oh and fil also uses dhs name for our DD also double barrelled obvs.