DH throwing my things away

[teenytinyshells]

Back story: have hoarding tendencies which (thanks to Marie Kondo) I am overcoming. DH is usually the opposite but in recent months, I have been discarding loads more than him and am far more ruthless at what stays and what goes .

However, I hate the thought of things going to landfill, so take great care to take things to charity shop or put things on ebay/freecycle , FB selling/free pages. DH can't be bothered with any of that and just wants to chuck everything in the bin.

I don't really care what he does with his stuff, but get major rage on when I find my things in the bin. He knows this drives me mad but I've just emptied a bin and found little unused toiletry samples, some cool sew on badges and magazines in the big bin. Yesterday he threw away dd swim lesson next stage form because he thought it was litter. Arrrgh. . AIBU !!

[teenytinyshells]

Thanks for the responses. I can see how difficult living with a hoarder can be and sympathise with those of you in that situation. However, really don't think I am that bad, I've been steadily getting rid of things over the past 5 years and have stepped up the pace in recent months. I've just asked DH and he doesn't think I'm a hoarder any more and the house is filled with both our things equally, not just mine.

I sort things into stuff for charity shop / bin / things I want to sell / things I'm pretty sure charity shop won't want but someone else will .

Magazines are an example of the latter. I photographed, posted them on a fb page and promised them to someone, only to find them in the bin. The toiletry samples were the same, was going to give them a go on fb page before discarding.

Yes, totally get that giving charity shops litter is unacceptable, but one man's trash is another's treasure and if I can post something on a fb page for free and someone collects it, saving it from the bin, then great!

[Misswrite89]

LTB

[VerySlovenly]

Passive - all businesses, including charities, have to pay to get their waste taken away.

[HarlotBronte]

Red Cross mentions incurring disposal costs on their page about donating.

www.redcross.org.uk/Get-involved/Our-shops/Donate-to-our-charity-shops

I believe some councils offer a subsidy, but even then charities still have to waste staff and volunteer time sorting out any blatantly unsellable shit that people see fit to dump on them.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

So dumping stuff with no resale value costs them actual money?

[HarlotBronte]

Good points about dumping your old shit on charity shops. It isn't ok to make them incur the costs of disposal because you can't tolerate the thought of getting rid of something. Not everything has any resale value or potential use left in it. Far too many people delude themselves into thinking otherwise, and it's charity shops have to pay the price. Literally.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Why not use the toiletry samples. A charity shop won't want them. Or empty them out and recycle the bottles.

[justwondering72]

Also on the fence, but I think YAB a little U. The things you mention are all pretty insignificant and not difficult to store / dispose of. How long had they been sitting wherever they were when they got chucked by your DH, and what were you planning to do with them, if not chucking them out / recycling them? And how many are we talking - a few of each, or bags / piles of them?

Toiletry samples - should be either in the bathroom and being used up OR in the bin

Old magazines - recycling bin straight away

Badges - in your sewing box or in the bin.

It sounds like you need some kind of system in place to keep paperwork in order - possibly that's a higher priority than recycling old toiletry samples or magazines.

Good luck with the decluttering - you'll get there ;-)

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

But hoarders override the wishes and beliefs/principles of people who don't hoard and who like to live with minimal clutter and unused junk.

this her husband has rights as well.

[DolorestheNewt]

He's over-riding your wishes and in a way your beliefs/principles.... It is infuriating, they're discounting what you think and taking over.
But hoarders override the wishes and beliefs/principles of people who don't hoard and who like to live with minimal clutter and unused junk. My DH, the hoarder, discounts what I think, and takes over, literally, our shared space with his junk. Which I think makes it a delicate area for compromise, since neither side is really right.

I do throw his stuff away, but I am very careful about it and with the stuff that I'm uncertain about, I will gather it, put it in some form of box, shelve it, and tell him where it is. Now we're moving, he's going through all the boxes and, to give him his due, is chucking a lot of stuff.

Ironically, my DH constantly tells my DS that if he can't keep his room tidier, he'll just take a binbag in there and scoop up all the toys on the floor and put them in the bin. Had I applied the same principle to DH's stuff, he'd have had several conniptions.

And a pet rant, for which apologies to anyone who feels I'm preaching to the choir: I volunteered in a charity shop for a few years, and an awful lot of bags turn up at charity shops that have clearly been put together by people who are determined to polish their environmental halos and claim that they're recycling, not dumping, but who in fact have simply passed on their landfill to us to get rid of for them. A lot of the shit that arrives at charity shops simply cannot be sold. It doesn't matter how much you persuade yourself that if people are poor enough, they might want to buy a comb with three missing teeth for fivepence. Yes, DSis, I'm talking to you after that absolute fffing nightmare of clearing out Mum's flat and being forced to take absolutely everything to a charity shop and dying inside every time the volunteers smiled nicely and said thank you

[MLGs]

Also it's not environmentally friendly to put stuff that could be reused or recycled in the landfill bin.

[MLGs]

Yanbu. You don't throw other people's things away.

Especially as he knows you are sorting the clutter - and it sounds like you genuinely are.

I just sorted a big bag of baby type toys for charity shop and now have discovered stbxh has put in the bin. Gives me the rage as o spent time separating it from stuff that had no value and needed to go in the bin. Also thinking of other children who could have played with it.. .

He has form for this and one of the reasons (not main one) he is stbx.

[GeorgeTheThird]

Old magazines would go in the recycling wouldn't they?

Toiletry samples in the bin, yes, they're most likely out of date anyway.

[HarlotBronte]

Also on fence. He shouldn't just be binning your things, no, but I'm not sure you're giving us an entirely balanced account here. If you're taking a boot full of binbags once a week and you still have things like toiletry samples lying around, you must have been going some before. You sound like you're making each other worse.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

little unused toiletry samples, some cool sew on badges and magazines in the big bin

Those don't sound like things with any resale value, I would bin them in a declutter.

Yesterday he threw away dd swim lesson next stage form because he thought it was litter

That sounds like an honest mistake.

Sorry, I think YABU. And while I think it does sound like you're overcoming your tendency to hoard (good for you ) the insistence on nothing going to landfill makes me think you're not 100% there yet. Inevitably some of your stuff will need to be thrown away, and toiletry samples and old magazines sound like perfect examples of those. Sorry OP

What were you going to do with them?

[Jkycc]

How long had the toiletry samples been sitting around unused?

[Toadinthehole]

But the op is clearing, and recycling etc. Her dh is just randomly chucking her stuff out. That's not helping is it?

It depends. If the house is so jam-packed full of stuff that it can't be properly used or looked after, and things go missing, I'd say it's definitely helping.

[TippyTappyLappyToppy]

Hmm, I am on the fence about this. I suspect that what is happening is that you are telling yourself you are dealing with your hoarding my endlessly sorting and categorizing things into various piles which then take an absolute age to get moved or dealt with and your DH is getting frustrated by it. Living with a hoarder is detrimental to the mental wellbeing of their family and sometimes people just snap and have to do what's best for them, even if it flies in the face of the hoarders 'rights'.

It's great to take things to the charity shop or sell them on eBay or whatever but sometimes you have to face up to the fact that if you are procrastinating for too long over doing any of those things them you are not actually moving forward, just telling yourself you are.

[sianihedgehog]

OP, while taking stuff to the recycling centre is nice, it's really not a big deal whether stuff goes there or in the bin. The toiletries for example were going to end up in the same place. The fact that a few magazines might go to landfill instead of being pulped is not a big deal. And if the badges were dirty, dusty, or faded, they would have ended up as landfill anyway.

Obviously he shouldn't be binning your stuff without asking. Talk to him about that. But these things going in the bin is not worth falling out over.

[lavenderhoney]

But the op is clearing, and recycling etc. Her dh is just randomly chucking her stuff out. That's not helping is it?

He shouldn't be touching your stuff, just like you wouldn't walk into your DC rooms or your dh space and take things to bin. it's not a prison cell is it, where you're not allowed any personal items even if he doesn't deeem them important.

[Toadinthehole]

Tbh I have a lot of sympathy with your DH. My DW keeps letters, magazines, notes from old jobs, just about every picture the DCs have ever made, coursebooks, notes, and handouts from courses she did years ago, books she's never read, old clothes, bits and bobs (covering every available surface or stored in plastic bags on the floor and under the bed) and various other things. Old toys the children never play with are kept in bags until she "sorts" them. This typically takes 2 years. She moans at me because I like to keep the kitchen table clear unless it's being used. It would get permanently covered with stuff if I allowed it (and in the past it has). To be honest, it can be hard living in the same space as her. She doesn't understand how exhausting it can be constantly to have to move someone else's stuff when you want to do a simple thing like take a book of a shelf, or sit down, vacuum a carpet or do other housework.

[VerySlovenly]

He should not be throwing away your property! My dh is similar. He has thrown out or given away all sorts of things of mine when he "tidies up". Numerous letters and forms, my best pair of boots with expensive orthotic insoles in them, my mobile phone charger, my sunglasses (he thought they were broken as they had no lenses - the reason being they have interchangeable lenses and the lenses were in the box, which I had told him)....... All sorts of things. I am untidy but not a hoarder - but he seems to think anything of mine that isn't the kind of thing he would want is rubbish. I really hate this and have wondered if it's a control thing - punishment for leaving stuff around. This would be tolerable if he said "do you want this - if not I'll throw it away" but there is no warning.

I think you are probably near the truth when you say he thinks everything of yours is litter. More accurately he probably thinks these things are not of use (since he would not use them himself). But they are yours to get rid of or keep!

[BreakfastAtStephanies]

So I'm probably not the best person to advise you. See the good replies from other PPs

[BreakfastAtStephanies]

No No No No No.

He must NOT do this, unless to his own stuff.

I am a mild hoarder. I would worry about what had been thrown away and would be rescuing things from the bin. I would feel unsettled and anxious.

YANBU.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Can you get him to read the pages from konmarie about not chucking others stuff away.