To ask if you think some babies are more difficult than others, or is their behaviour caused by how you parent them?

[Aracha]

My 6-month-old wakes every 2-3hours all night. During the day he is clingy. He will entertain himself for 5-10mins with a toy or play in jumparoo for 20mins if I'm nearby. It's not stranger anxiety as he's happy to be held by other people and is very interactive.

He seems to cry and grizzle more than friends' babies. Their babies also sleep for 5-6hour stretches. He is always wriggling and kicking and rarely keeps still when awake.

Have I caused this behaviour?
I used to carry him in sling all the time, even indoors. I don't like leaving him to cry so I pick him up when he grizzles and feed to sleep when he wakes in night. He used to have colic and reflux but this cleared up by 4months.

[MinecraftyMum]

Of course derelict - and that's where nature, to an extent, comes in. Individual personalities and genes obviously have some effect and what works for one baby will not always work for another. There's no science to it that's guaranteed.

I'm just incredulous at so many peoples seemingly complete denial of any nurture and parental related effects on the eventual personality and behaviour of a child. I find it mind-blowing that anyone could deny the effects of nurture.

[ApocalypseNowt]

I think what MinecraftyMum is saying makes a fair bit of sense actually.

My DD2 is a lot more demanding - i'm sure some of it is down to her 'natural' personality but a lot of it is to do with the fact that she has never had 100% of my attention like DD1 did. She's louder because she's had to be!

It is scary how much of an effect we have on our DC. Always reminds me of that Larkin poem "They fuck you up your mum and dad..."

[SueTrinder]

That is what is patently rubbish. If I birthed identical twins right now and gave one of them to you - do you think they'd both be the same in 20 years?

Or do you think the different ways we'd parented them would have an effect?

There are twin studies that can tell you the answer to that. This is the old nature vs nurture question after all. And frankly it's probably 50:50 (the article is very popular science and 'its all in the genes', in reality where we think the balance is between genes and environment goes backwards and forwards). A child's basic personality is what it is and as parents we can try and give them the tools to cope with life or not but frankly most parents are 'good enough' parents and if you are worrying if you are parenting well enough then you probably are a good enough parent.

[Ihatechoosingnames]

Luck of the draw. DS, now 2, was an awful sleeper (2hourly wakeups til he was a year), had awful constipation problems, very "on the go" so wouldn't like being held from a young age, wanted to be down on the floor rolling and moving, if he had to be still he would kick off big time. DD, now 5 months, has slept through since 8 weeks, no tummy problems, clingy as hell and wants to be held a lot, not much interest in moving around, happy to sit. In many ways the opposite of my DS actually.

[FrancisdeSales]

When I had my first I was amazed to realise how much she was moulding my behaviour as much as I was hers. From birth your baby let's you know what she/he likes and doesn't like and the behaviour between mother and baby is kind of a dance.

I don't exactly know what I thought I was giving birth to, maybe a formless blob? I was just surprised they arrived with a personality from day one. (As you can tell I was massively ignorant, but quietly confident as I had a great mum.)

I have 3 who are now 9-15. They were different (and similar) from the start, so don't give yourself all the blame (or credit) for who they are.

[FrancisdeSales]

If you want to see a fascinating documentary on nature vs. nurture watch "Twinsters" on Netflix. Two 25 year old women discovered by chance they were identical twins. They were born in South Korea, one was adopted by a couple in the USA and one by a French couple.

[Primaryteach87]

Both.
If you have a baby that you are finding 'hard' you tend to put it down to factors outside your control.

If you have a baby you are finding 'easy' you tend to put it down to your super awesome parenting.

In reality both parenting and personality/undiagnosed problems are hugely relevant.

As a parent, you have to do the best you can and accept there's a heap of stuff you can't control. Forgive yourself for being human AND keep striving to do your best.

[FATEdestiny]

How ridiculous to think that parenting does not affect a child's behaviour.

[EveryoneElsie]

FATEdestiny Literally no one has said that.
Everyone has agreed they are not born a blank sheet of paper.

Obviously the experiences we have are tinted by our temperament and personality, so no two people have an identical experience.

[FrancisdeSales]

I don't think anyone thinks parenting doesn't affect behaviour but that nowadays, in the West partucularly, we seem to have the attitude that we are responsible for all traits and behaviour in our children. Biology and inate personality are just as powerful. Nature + Nurture.

[FATEdestiny]

FATEdestiny Literally no one has said that.
Everyone has agreed they are not born a blank sheet of paper

The vast majority of early posts on the thread inferred that

Not being "born a blank sheet of paper", so being predisposed to certain characteristics, is down to genetics (nature) and not parenting.

Parenting (nurture) also shapes behaviour. Debate on the balance of nature/nurture. I would place that balance further on the nurture side than nature.

Parents of high needs babies make themselves feel better by thinking that their child would be this way no matter how they were parented. Not really true though.

For what its worth I have had two hard work babies - DC1 and DC4. DC4 was a lot less hard work than DC1, because I was able to parent in a different (more intuitive and relaxed) way. Although the nature aspect of their personalities is very similar, the outcome different because of nurture.

[FrancisdeSales]

So maybe your first child was like you, more likely to be sensitive and tense. When a similar in nature baby arrived (DC 4) you had also managed to manage your anxiety and parenting style and could cope better with a "hard work baby". So nature and nurture.

[Lurkedforever1]

Nobody has said nurture has nothing to do with a childs behavior. But I thought we were talking about babies?

The day dd was born she spent her time either feeding or sleeping, with a brief cry when she needed feeding or changing. And spent her first night sleeping, except for waking for feeds every few hours and then immediately falling asleep after. And pretty much carried on that way through the newborn stage.

There is no way anyone could suggest that was the result of my wonderful parenting, while other people on my ward were up all night reaping the rewards of their bad parenting. That would be bollocks and incredibly insulting.

What fucks me off about the smug attitude of some parents with easy babies/ toddlers, is that people like me who count themselves as lucky, are put off sharing their experience because they don't want to be mistakenly tarred with the same brush as the smug, superior 'my baby was easy because I am great' brigade.

[Mellowautumn]

Smug attatchment parenter here - all 3 of my babies were easy babies, breast fed carried and co slept. None of them cried or were fussy ever as small babies except when ill. The challenges of 'personality' certainly came through in toddler hood though :)

[Loulou2kent]

I think it's a bit of both too personally. In my experience anyway. Both the boys had diff personalities. I could tell that straight away. One is defiantly more serious than the other for example. However, I'm pretty sure that not working & having 2 years off with my DS1 meaning plenty of toddler groups, cooking what he liked, being able to get him tucked up in his cot for a morning snooze at 8.45, letting him take the lead on games or toys he wanted to play with must be very different to having 5 weeks off with ds2 & a school run to do without fail so no morning snooze in a cot, he will eat whatever I've made really as I know ds1 likes it etc, we can't go to loads of places I took DS1 because I work 5 days. He gets dragged to two activities ds1 does a week. I feel like that must make a difference!! Already this one sleeps better & anywhere as I can't afford to be precious about his cot. If he sleeps on school run great, if not he will have to wait till he's back. So yes I think there are factors that do make an impact. But I also agree all babies are different. Its what makes all our children so wonderful.

[FinallyFreeFromItAll]

I think its a combination.

Some babies are naturally more content than others. For me DS was hard work (hated being put down, didn't nap easily, etc) but DD is the most content laid back baby going (I'm actually glad she was second I think any "normal" baby would have put me into shock had I had her first).

However I do think sometimes we can, unwittingly, add to/worsen a problem. For example if you pick up a certain sleeping baby at the slightest murmur, you may actually wake them up more, whereas they may have just settled straight back down. On the other hand for a different baby if you leave that murmur, it will very quickly descend in to unconsolable screaming.

Or for example DS hated with a vengence being put down to sleep and liked to be cuddled - it was the only chance youd got of him taking a nap. DD hated being cuddled when she was tired and prefered to be put down (she'd get increasingly upset if you didn't), have a short lullaby and would be flat out asleep. So each baby is different and needs a different response. Getting it right can be hard. As a mother we do our best and that's all we can do.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Both.

Everyone has their own personality.

But behaviour is often caused by the parent - ie giving in to their every demand results in a whingy child; going in to their room very time they so much as mumble in their sleep, results in a child who never sleeps etc etc

I have a friend who complains her dc is clingy, and I'm always thinking that she caused it.

[StarlingMurmuration]

DS aged 16 months hasn't stopped whinging since the day he was born. Except for when he's managed to grab something which he really shouldn't have. Then he's briefly happy until it take it off him, at which point he rolls around on the floor screaming. It's bloody hard work, and has completely put me off having another one.

He slept really well between 6 months and 13/14 months, but he's now started waking 2-3 times a night, which makes it all so much harder to deal with.

[thebestfurchinchilla]

My two DDs were completely different. The first was much harder work. Got herself into such a state crying at times at under 6 months. My sister annoyed me once by saying oh she's a drama queen. But now she is 15, I can see my sister was dead right as DD has always overreacted , got upset really quickly and dramatically. Second DD was a calm baby and is a calm child. I wish I'd known then what I know now. Just carry on doing your best

[grannytomine]

I have 4, all grown up now. They were all very different as babies, children and adults. The one who was the most difficult baby/child is the easy one now, the one who was an easy baby has caused me alot of grey hairs in the last few years. They are who they are.

[minipie]

90% nature

10% nurture