To ask if you think some babies are more difficult than others, or is their behaviour caused by how you parent them?

[Aracha]

My 6-month-old wakes every 2-3hours all night. During the day he is clingy. He will entertain himself for 5-10mins with a toy or play in jumparoo for 20mins if I'm nearby. It's not stranger anxiety as he's happy to be held by other people and is very interactive.

He seems to cry and grizzle more than friends' babies. Their babies also sleep for 5-6hour stretches. He is always wriggling and kicking and rarely keeps still when awake.

Have I caused this behaviour?
I used to carry him in sling all the time, even indoors. I don't like leaving him to cry so I pick him up when he grizzles and feed to sleep when he wakes in night. He used to have colic and reflux but this cleared up by 4months.

[CosyNook]

My first was such an easy-going baby that we rushed to have our second baby. We didn't have a third.......

[coily]

I had the easiest baby ever. I had a very hectic difficult life when he arrived - I can assure you it wasn't my magic parenting skills that blessed me with an easy baby - it was an incredibly fortunate fluke

[CosyNook]

That said, both have grown to be well behaved, intelligent teenagers so think it's 50-50.

I do see some parents fussing over their children and I think 'just leave them alone' for ten minutes. Let them eat and make a mess, let them play and make a noise, let them cry a bit longer.

[TrainBridge]

Dd1 was a classic high needs baby. She basically trained me to use a sling a lot, so when dd2 came along I did that (plus I needed my hands free for toddler dd1) and she was much easier. I'm not sure what was cause and effect...

But even now dd1 is high maintenance emotionally and dd2 is calmer and more able to deal with the world - that's just how they are.

[HackerFucker22]

Have had 2 very different babies. One was calm, content, slept through from about 10 weeks, was very secure, happy to go to other people, fed well, was happy to just sit and play, rarely ill and I didn't even notice them teething they'd just wake up with more teeth . The other was cranky, clingy, only wanted me, still doesn't sleep through at 14m, catches everything going, suffers terribly with teething.

Only difference is one was ff and the other bf. Guess which one is which.

[originalusernamefail]

They're just born that way. DS1 was the most placid baby you could imagine, ate, slept, played and just lived for cuddles. DS2 is a proper grumpy bugger who is always halfway to crying - even in his sleep! My parenting has been the same for both.

[Badoodle]

My two were definitely born with different temperaments.

DS was a really alert, into-everything kind of baby from day one. Never needed much sleep. Fussy feeder. Screamed his head off if he was tired/hot/cold/wet/hungry. He had a sort of fiery temperament, even as a baby.

DD was a happy, chilled out, snuggly baby. Slept through from very early on, weaned easily, loved being held and cuddled, smiled at the world.

I was definitely more relaxed with DD, though. Less traumatic birth, I was a second time Mum so felt more confident, and looking back I can see i was massively sleep deprived and highly anxious with DS - so I did probably respond to them both differently, as I felt different.

I certainly wouldn't go down the route of thinking you have 'created' a needy/demanding baby, though, OP. Babies have their own little personalities, which can change, too. Sometimes grouchy babies chill out a bit more when they get more independence - walk, talk, feed themselves etc. And sometimes the little angels (like my DD) can develop into right little madams

[Lurkedforever1]

Dd was a very easy baby and has continued that way, however maybe she's storing it all up for her teen years and I'll be in for it over the next few years.

I don't think it was down to my wonderful parenting that she was an easy baby though. Personality and luck. We were both lucky enough to have an easy birth and be very healthy, so being outside a lot v early on helped to get her to sleep, and in a routine. But that probably wouldn't make any difference for other personalities.

I suppose some people might have naturally easy babies that they make more difficult, eg the fruit loop I knew who spent the early months expecting the world to shut down when her baby slept, wouldn't go out in the pram near a nap time, abused other neighbours because their newborns faint normal cries woke up her 8 month old pfb etc. But I'd say people like that aren't the norm.

[littleducks]

I think it's a combination and you probably can't pick apart how much each behaviour is influenced by each factor. It's the old nature vs nurture debate.

DS3 was hard work. He was born a bit earlier than the others (37weeks) versus overdue, he had a cows milk allergy and reflux.

Also hcp wanted him to put on weight so I feed him almost constantly to begin with, I was not as relaxed parenting and watched him constantly, he slept on my chest after he stopped breathing once when I was feeding him and I was scared it would happen again . He was my last baby so i cuddled him lots.

All the things are probably factors in him being used work combined with personality.

[TattyDevine]

I'm certain some babies are just different than others whoever parents, or whatever method or mood surrounds them.

Mine were really easy but it can't have been anything I was doing honestly. I was just lucky!

[SongOfTheLark]

I looked after DD in exactly the same way I looked after DS and they couldnt be more different. DS was not an easy baby (hardly slept, needing to be held all of the time and roaring if he was left alone for even a minute) whereas his sister was happy and content 99% of the time.

DS is 4 now and autistic and i guess these issues were playing out a bit as a baby.

[Getyercoat]

Personality.
My sister EBF both of her babies and was agog that my EBF DS could not be put down, ever, and did not sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time. For months and months. She never had that with either of hers.
He's a gem now at almost 5 but is most certainly a strong willed person. You simply cannot fool him, I think now he didn't really like being a baby! He talked and walked very young and came into his own when he could move and communicate.

[silverduck]

I'm surprised at people who say they parented more than 1DC exactly the same. I know I didn't. I don't know anyone who parented all their children the same. There are too many factors that change between one child and another: Anxiety of parent, health of child and parent, parent's knowledge of how to parent, viability of support network, what jobs the parents have and how often they are at home, the amount of 1:1 time a parent could have with each child, the age and interaction of other siblings - so many factors that can't be controlled that affect babies day to day lives and will affect temperament and sleeping routines.

[YoJesse]

I want to think that it's just their personality and that ls just how they are....but that nagging mum voice in the back of your head says it's because you did this or didn't do that. It's hard not to compare your own against other kids especially when yours is the one who is lying down in the supermarket isle screaming his head off!!
Mines been demanding since he was born. Lived in a sling at home because he hated being put down.

[Witchend]

I've hot 3 and they were totally different as babies.
Dd1 slept 12 hours nightly from 8 weeks. She never woke more than once a night. She would sit for an hour amusing herself with a book by 8 months. She hit all her physical milestones exactly on average. Text book baby. Weaning was a dream. Ate everything offered.

Dd2 was given medised to make her sleep at 18 months. A good night was where she'd only woken twice, and she'd never slept through. She refused solids until 8/9 months until big sister gave her a chocolate button. By refusing I mean clamping her lips together, violently shaking her head and if by any chance I managed to get abit in her mouth she worked with her tongue to get it all out. She crawled before 6 months and walked at 8 months and was never still.

Ds started sleeping through at 8 weeks, then badly reacted to the jabs and was just recovered when he had his first ear infection. He continued having ear infections about every 10 days until he had grommets at 20 months. He occasionally slept through between ear infections. He loved solids when started at 7months, but had a definite preference for savoury. He would refuse chocolate over a carrot. He was my only one that would happily lie under the baby gym and play. He would play there, and jut fall asleep when he'd had enough. He crawled at 6 months, could walk at 9 months, but preferred not to as he'd discovered cars and would crawl round with one in each hand. He was a purposeful mover, not manic like dd2.

[BaskingTrout]

i am a twin.

apparently I was a classic high needs baby, didn't feed, didn't sleep through the night until I went to school, needed a lot of attention. my brother was totally chilled, would have slept through from a very young age (if I hadn't been screaming and waking him up), ate loads, very placid, just enjoyed hanging out.

clearly we were being parented in exactly the same way, at exactly the same time. but we were very very different babies. he is still a very chilled out adult and I am more anxious. I can only assume it was our personalities coming through.

[EveryoneElsie]

Behaviour has a genetic base. If it didnt then instinct couldnt exist. We are born with a temperament in place as well. We're not blank sheets of paper.

[ElviraCondomine]

DD1 difficult to feed, high needs baby and nightmare toddler, barely slept but potty trained night and day at 22 months at her instigation.
DD2 equally difficult to feed, but placid and contented, a much better sleeper, and much later to meet all her milestones including walking, talking and potty training.

If anything the environment when DD2 was born was more stressful as I was bereaved (my DM) when DD2 was only a few weeks old. Other than that the parenting was the same, down to nappies, routines (or lack of them) method of feeding etc.

They're just different!

DD1 is now the most hardworking, insightful pleasant teen imaginable and DD2 is a stroppy, opinionated, funny, clever and loving almost teen.

[Ameliablue]

Yes some babies are more "difficult" than others or you may face different challenges in parenting different children. How you parent is of course important but the individuals behaviour is down to both nature and nurture.

[Pinkheart5915]

I think it is just luck of the draw.
Each baby is different.

My ds is 6 months and sleeps from 7pm until 6:30am then if I breast feed he'll go back to sleep till 7:30am if his milk comes from a bottle he won't go back to sleep ( strange baby)
He will stay under his play mat and be happy and content for an hour or so


My sister in law baby (5months) has reflux and wakes up every 2 hours at night , and is very grizzly and doesn't like being left alone

[Lemonblast]

Some babies are definitley more difficult/ fractious/ unsettled than others so do need to be parented differently in some respects.
But some of the threads on MN and other websites are absolutely staggering. Babies are much more robust than modern parents realise ( or have been conditioned to believe) An 8 or 9 baby grizzling and whinging because he wants to be picked up because he's bored will not suffer long term psychological damage if you ignore him for 5 minutes while you jump in the shower. I think we have become martyrs to being mummy.

[BillSykesDog]

I think it's both. But I have noticed, just anecdotally, that people who use slings an awful lot when their babies are very small do tend to run into these problems. I think slings are lovely, but I have been careful myself to make sure that they do get used to some time where they are not physically attached so it's not to much of a wrench when they start getting too big.

[LeanneBattersby]

BillSykesDog don't you think the parents who used slings a lot did so because they had clingy babies in the first place? That's how I came to use a sling, and it was purely down to the personality of my first son that I had to do so constantly

He's now an extremely grown-up and independent five-year-old.

[IndomitabIe]

The overwhelming theme of "they are all individuals & therefore different" is very reassuring!

DS1 was such a difficult baby & toddler, & preschooler. People would tell me "our second was like that, if she'd been our first we wouldn't have had a second!".

Fortunately, DS1 is slowly turning into a wonderful little human!

Hoping imminent DS2 is a bit more relaxed and agreeable, though. Although at least we're prepared for another difficult one!

[YoJesse]

I think you might be right billsykesdog. mine is really clingy at home and still has to be in whatever room I'm in at home. But I never planned to carry him everywhere. It was just a necessity because he was high needs and I probably made that worse! I didn't even own a sling when he was born.