To ask partner to prioritise us

[octobersunshine]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby. The pregnancy wasn't planned and it was a very difficult decision for me as my boyfriend and I live in separate cities. I will be moving to where he is, giving up my job and life in London. My boyfriend hasn't acted wonderfully and his natural inclination isn't to consider other people's feelings. I thought we'd been getting past this and he's assured me he's committed etc. Then I find out he's booked a 4 week road trip in America with his mates when the baby is 10 weeks old. He's already got a ticket for Glastonbury which is when the baby will be possibly about 2 weeks old. I've asked him to consider not going as its a week away when the baby is so young plus then recovery time. He basically told me to get lost. I want him to understand that his baby is only 2 weeks old once and he can go to Glastonbury any time, and he's been the past 5 years. I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once. Everyone I've spoken to said they thought he'd cancel it without being asked, or that any normal father would do. Am I being unreasonable to ask for this?

[Stripyhoglets]

Do not move and arrange help for after the birth. This man will not step up and parent and it will destroy your happiness trying to co-parent with him. He sees himself as single still and that he doesn't have to give up a thing. It will be easier to do this on your own than trying to do this with him.

[molyholy]

He sounds like an absolute loser who will never put you and his child first. Do NOT move to 'be' with him. He does not want to 'be' with you and the baby.

[Nanny0gg]

Do not move.

If you've already resigned can you get your job back? (I hope you haven't so that you will be getting maternity pay)

Don't go and live with him, you will be doing it on your own in a strange place with no support and no money.

He shouldn't even have the spare cash for a road trip. Has he been contributing financially to baby expenses so far?

[MartinaJ]

He told you to get lost. He sounds like a keeper alright.
Don't move. Don't break any ties, don't quit your job, don't do anything to be close to him. You and your baby will never be his priority. You are much better on your own, in familiar surroundings.

[Disastronaut]

This man is NOT going to support you and your baby - emotionally or practically. If he can't see that repeatedly buggering off with his mates leaving you with a newborn, then he's not father material.

Stay where you are. Look to family and friends for support. Build a life for you and the baby away from this asshat.

[AyeAmarok]

Oh dear. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but this man has no intention of being a father, partner, or ever putting anyone ahead of himself.

Quitting your job and moving would be a really terrible idea.

[Finola1step]

If you don't move, what are your other options?

There has been lots of sensible advice. He wont just suddenly change when the baby arrives - because he doesn't want to. Sorry .

[Fuzz01]

OP is this a fairly new relationship? Sounds like its doomed to fail.

Red flags -drugs/drinking
4weeks to America festival surely providing for a baby takes priority.
His attitude.
You never lived together- throwing a baby will make things harder.

Dont move and give your job up. I would be suprised if hes still around when the babys 1.

[BirthdayBetty]

He sounds like a manchild twat! Don't move, stay put, you'll be better off alone than seething with resentment after giving birth.

[PrincessMouse]

Whatever you do, don't give everything up for someone that is already showing you his intention is to continue his life as he was pre baby. He won't change. You want to be around people that will provide the right support. Please dont give your life up for this man. Plus do you really want your new born around someone tha prioritises drugs and whatever else above his DC.

What do you mean by "it was a difficult decision to go ahead"? Was he resisting becoming a parent initially?

[DonkeyOaty]

He was never going to be any different, love.

[ValancyJane]

Do not give up your job and life, and do not become dependent on this man.

[StDogolphin]

He is sending a clear message with his actions, one he isnt brave enough to say in person.

[StDogolphin]

You are stronger and more capable than you realise!

[Cressandra]

I'm so sorry but the first replier nailed it.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

When the baby arrives, he might have an epiphany and completely embrace being a dad. He'll love parading the baby around, and lap up the attention and praise. He still won't be putting you first though. I doubt he ever will. It sounds like he's incapable of putting anyone's needs above his own wishes.

I spent years with a man like this. He's not a crap father, but he's a bloody awful partner. I bitterly, bitterly regret not getting out much sooner. Don't believe that you must be together with your baby's father to ensure he has a dad.

[caravanista]

At the risk of repetition, please don't change your life for him. He clearly isn't committed at the moment. He may change once your baby is born, but if so he needs to prove himself to you before you make any sacrifices for him.

[memyselfandaye]

You need to prioritise you and the baby because he isn't going to.

Do not give up everything for a dickhead.

[octobersunshine]

Thanks for all the advice. I know in my heart that people are right. I can't help feeling that if I would rather he be consistent - either consistently absent or consistently there but not saying he's committed but failing to ever put words into actions. I find this far more stressful than actually knowing I'm alone and therefore knowing where I stand. I always feel like he sets the parameters of what is an acceptable contribution and anything outside of that is non-negotiable.

[MiniCooperLover]

OP, I think you already know you're alone, or as good as. Take the power back and make the decision yourself.

[MorrisZapp]

Objectively speaking, he's been very consistent throughout. Ignore his words. Look at his actions. He's selfish by nature and nothing in his behaviour has ever led you to think otherwise.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Please please please don't give up everything. He's telling you that you and the baby will not be a priority for him and that won't change.

Do you have supportive family and friends where you are now? They are a much better bet for your future.

[DaggerEyes]

Op, he kind of is consistent....he's consistently flakey! Why don't you pull right back, don't contact him, let him do absolutely all the emotional relationship bits from now on and see if he even puts up a fight. My gut says he will let you go, and will delight in telling people how you are the evil one for not running after him.

[MissusWrex]

Don't sit around waiting for HIM to decide how important you and your baby are.

You know it would be a huge mistake to move and give up your stability for this man child. It would end only in you and your child being miserable and always put last in the pecking order.

You tell him how it's going to be. He must contribute financially and if he wants to be involved he can do the bloody leg work. But don't waste your time trying to bend over backwards for him.

And if he just makes a few well meaning noises but never actually visits or helps out then move on, you would be on your own with or without him.

[magoria]

What everyone else says.

You would be crazy to give up a job and move away to a new area and put yourself and your child into the hands of this man.

Retain your independence and reconsider your relationship if he doesn't change his ways.