To ask partner to prioritise us

[octobersunshine]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby. The pregnancy wasn't planned and it was a very difficult decision for me as my boyfriend and I live in separate cities. I will be moving to where he is, giving up my job and life in London. My boyfriend hasn't acted wonderfully and his natural inclination isn't to consider other people's feelings. I thought we'd been getting past this and he's assured me he's committed etc. Then I find out he's booked a 4 week road trip in America with his mates when the baby is 10 weeks old. He's already got a ticket for Glastonbury which is when the baby will be possibly about 2 weeks old. I've asked him to consider not going as its a week away when the baby is so young plus then recovery time. He basically told me to get lost. I want him to understand that his baby is only 2 weeks old once and he can go to Glastonbury any time, and he's been the past 5 years. I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once. Everyone I've spoken to said they thought he'd cancel it without being asked, or that any normal father would do. Am I being unreasonable to ask for this?

[octobersunshine]

Thanks everyone.

Onwego - your post made me cry but in a good way

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

Great post, onwego

[onwego]

I did what you're about to do. I left my job, career, friends and support system to move 400 miles to be with my chosen idiot. Men like this don't change easily, and in my experience become even more selfish when they see how having a baby curtails their freedom. I left when my baby was 6 weeks old (thankfully I discovered the affair and that was the final straw for me) and although it was hard, it wasn't as painful or as lonely as longing for someone who's continuing to lead their single life.

You've had some great advice on here. I wish I'd had the sense to articulate it like you've done. Give the baby your surname and don't put his name on the birth certificate - my two regrets! You'll be far better off in London without him. I know it's scary but it's far less scary than having your and your baby's happiness in the hands of a man-boy.

[Allthatnonsense]

He is being very frank about who he is. Please pay attention!

He is not going to put you first.

He is going to let you down.

You will be lonely and alone with a baby.

You need to summon all of your courage and don't go to him.

I hope that all goes well and wish you all the luck in the world.

[Flashbangandgone]

Does your partner have any redeeming qualities... Because I can't conceive of anything at all that would compensate for the total self-centredness of his behaviour and attitude... NOTHING! Why are you even with him?

Don't destroy your life with this excuse for a man... My 5 year old shows greater selflessness than him!

[Chocolatteaddict1]

What you need is to grow up fast and put your baby first - not your need for this man to miraculously start to give a fuck.

You need to stay put and create a safe home for your child. This is number one priority for your baby. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB

Start looking after yourself and pregnancy and if this idiot is serious about being a good father and partner he will move heaven and earth to show you. How actions right now are more important than any bullshit he will feed you to get you to shut the fuck up.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I always feel like he sets the parameters of what is an acceptable contribution and anything outside of that is non-negotiable.

Even if he appears to see the light, this attitude of his will extend to every part of your life. Don't be like me and spend the best part of 15 years living in those confines. You have a golden opportunity now to take charge and start a whole new chapter as a mum, without a controlling partner.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

"I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once."

So if he 'put you first' and cancelled his Glastonbury tickets, that would make everything OK? After that he could go back to putting drugs and partying first? Of course not. That would be the bare minimum, and you and your baby deserve SO much more than that.

What you need and what your baby will need, is someone who is committed to being a good parent (and a good partner to you) not just on the odd occasion, but all the time. This man is telling you, loud and clear, that he is not going to do this - and I agree it would be a really bad idea to move away from your home, friends and job, in the hope that this man will support you in parenting your child.

To be blunt - I think you have a choice - to stay in London and be a single parent with a job, home and friends, or to move away from London and be a single parent with no friends, home or job.

[Notonthestairs]

Judge him by what he does, not by what he says.
He's booked tickets for Glastonbury and a four week trip around the U.S.? Well then his priorities are clear - his mates.
Don't give up anything. If he changes after the baby is born then brilliant but in the meantime your priority should be you and you baby.

[mrschatty]

Oh no op. Having a newborn is hard and you need absolute support from your partner. If he's not willing to give that now, at the most challenging time, he won't be helping and supporting you in the future.
Please see the red flags that are there now before you loose your life/career in London for a man who basically isn't worth it

[Bellygirl]

Don't move OP! Even in a great relationship my DP going to Glasto two weeks after I've given birth and having the attitude that I can 'get lost' would be a deal breaker for me.

[londonrach]

Dont move op and act in the best interests of you and the baby only. He sadly doesnt sound like he wants to be around so i wouldnt rely on him.

[Nanny0gg]

I know in my heart that people are right.

So what are you going to do?

Have you got family support?

[ClarenceTheLion]

The baby may not be two weeks old when Glastonbury is on. Many first babies arrive late! He is more likely to be leaving you with a 4 or 5 day old baby.

Please don't leave your support system for someone who has made it clear that a relationship and child won't change his life in the slightest.

[Anoopkin]

As someone has mentioned, babies rarely arrive on time. Most of my family's babies are 2 weeks late, so he's planning to be away when you may be giving birth.

I was with a horrible bloke when pregnant and wish I had split up earlier than I did; all the warning signs were there (understatement). It will help to split before the birth as you can get a support network in place and be emotionally prepared for it.

I am currently pregnant and won't entertain the idea of anything being booked anytime around the birth or the first couple of months. I even said I didn't want him to go to glasto when I'll be pregnant, as I need him to help here with other dc. I don't feel remotely unreasonable!

[MistressDeeCee]

Everyone I've spoken to said they thought he'd cancel it without being asked

Why would anyone "think" that? It sounds as if he is simply being the way he has always been. He is thoughtless and more interested in having good times with mates in life. If you can't put up with that it doesn't make sense giving up everything to move and be with him, you may as well be sat alone where you are as opposed to the same thing miles away in a new area

Its not a nice situation to be in, for you. But you can't force someone to make you their priority and its quite naive to assume he would suddenly become more responsible due to impending fatherhood, when his actions and words show, thats not the case actually. You'd be better off prioritising yourself

[TheCrumpettyTree]

He's already told you his life will continue exactly the same as it is now after you have the baby.

Do you really think he's going to be getting up at night, doing nappy changes and spending time playing with the baby? Or is it more likely you'll be doing all night wakings (don't underestimate how tiring this is) whilst either wondering where he is or trying to keep the baby quiet whilst he sleeps off his hangover.

If you told him you weren't coming, how do you honestly feel he'd react?

[MerryBary]

Actions speak louder than words , OP. If I was you I'd stay exactly where I was and prepare to bring up my child alone. Hopefully he'll be involved and contribute, but I wouldn't be counting on it.

[Penguinepenguins]

I always feel like he sets the parameters of what is an acceptable contribution and anything outside of that is non-negotiable.

This says it all OP I'm afraid. Don't leave London, as I said it's the hardest thing I've done and I have a loving supportive partner. It's taken me a long time to start meeting new people.

I think you need to take charge here, and tell him what's going to happen and it needs to be what's best for you and your baby. I don't agree with the poster who said you shouldn't put him on the birth certificate as he is the father and should have rights. If in six months he turns things around you can reasses the situation but if you move you are going to be in an awful situation where not only is he off pissing it up and living his single lifestyle your going to be financially dependant on him and very alone - you have said yourself he dictates what is acceptable and what is not

Is behaviour isn't acceptable your better off without this man cockwomble

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation. You're giving up your job and your life. Do not become reliant on him!

Think about the environment your baby is going to be brought up in. With a father who is prioritising going away before it's even born? Prioritising drugs and partying? That's not a good role model for your child. He's telling you loud and clear that your baby isn't important. He doesn't care that you'll be home with a newborn who he should be spending time bonding with, he wants to go to Glastonbury. Where's his priorities?

You'll be alone with a newborn which can be a really tough time. He'll probably use this to his advantage to treat you badly. After all you'll rely on him. Don't put yourself in a situation where you need him for your home and money, you'll end up feeling like you can't leave as you'll have nothing.

You're giving up everything for him, what's he giving up for you?

[DirtyHarrietOnABike]

He will never change. Things get worse after a baby is born. Worse for stable comitted couples. Let alone in your situation... :(

[Bunbaker]

"I want him to put me ahead of drugs and partying for once."

Do you honestly, seriously believe that he would do that? Really?

I don't.

The fact that he does drugs at all would be a deal breaker for me anyway.

[PrincessMouse]

Op I am so sorry to say this but he is consistent. He is doing what he needs to do so he doesn't look like the dick that left a pregnant girl. His commitment looks to be more to do with saving his own reputation (how he looks to the outside world) than actually being committed to you and the baby.

No one that is committed to their partner and baby would be booking 4 week trips and going to Gladtonbury to get shitfaced on drugs when their baby is so young. IMHO he should be giving up the drugs full stop.

You should not have to be asking him to put you and the baby ahead of drugs and boys trips. It shouldn't even come up as an issue. He should do it because he loves you and/or the baby. This thread should not exist.

Don't move Op. Don't do it.

[Flashbangandgone]

Based on what you've written, if you give up your job and move, it will very likely be the worst decision of your life, and it will ruin you. You have the opportunity now not to make the move.... If you are still make that move given how utterly inconsiderate and selfish he is being, what would he have to do to make you leave him once you've become so much more dependent on him. Any subsequent decision to leave him will be far, far harder. You'll be stuck with a deeply selfish partner with a miserable life.

It's as simple as this... Moving to be with him = Screwing up your and your baby's life, very possibly for ever. PLEASE DON'T DO IT! I seriously think you should consider LTB.

[magoria]

What everyone else says.

You would be crazy to give up a job and move away to a new area and put yourself and your child into the hands of this man.

Retain your independence and reconsider your relationship if he doesn't change his ways.