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AIBU?

DP's ex is taking his DS and moving away...

45 replies

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 08:59

DP and his ex were together for 4 years. She was physically abusive, not just scratching and slapping but punching and throwing heavy things in his face/at his head.

He left her when their DS was a few months old.

We were friends and started a relationship shortly after. His ex was really angry.

She then moved 300 miles away with DS. This broke DP's heart.

She came back after 8 months as she had to return to her place of work.

18 months later and I am pregnant. DP told her last week and she has just informed DP she is now moving away again (300 miles) and going next week...

DP is devastated. He works full time and DS every weekend, they are very close.

She is on anti depressants and has mental health/anger issues stemming from her childhood. She says she isn't coping but DP feels she is punishing him.

I don't know what to do to support DP, he's in pieces.

She is bu isn't she?

OP posts:

Report

Rebecca2014 · 15/03/2016 13:40

I don't blame the mother for wanting to move back home but if the father doesn't want full time custody then the mother should be allowed to move.

Simple as...I don't think the mother moving out of spite, you said she's lonely and unhappy where she currently lives.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2016 13:21

I don't think any child should be in the sole care of somebody so violent and unstable. Not to mention a criminal record for GBH. Your partner should go for custody and get his DS away from this bad influence in his life. That's my opinion.

Griphook · 15/03/2016 13:08

If he's really interested in protecting his child he really need to be calling a solicitor. But then he had to want the child full time. Is that something you both want?

JanetOfTheApes · 15/03/2016 12:45

Don't you think its the case though that we are less likely to believe male victims when they do leave their children behind though, as much as the other way around? I find it hard to believe any caring parent would up and leave their violent partner to leave the children with them...the conclusion being that either she really wasn;t that violent, or he doesn't care that his children are left with a violent parent. Either way, thats not reflecting well on him.

witsender · 15/03/2016 12:11

Tbh, if he is worried enough about his wellbeing when he is with her that he doesn't want her to leave to an area with better support (which in turn May make her a better mother) then why isn't he worried enough to have him live with him? Sounds like he wants to see him but not have to make any adjustments.

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 11:57

Thanks for all your posts. I've just spoken to DP and he is going to call child protection this afternoon for some practical advice and to find out the protocol in this kind of situation.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 15/03/2016 11:52

Why then does a father always leave their child behind with the violent parent? I know NO woman who would do this, but I've never heard of the man doing it.

I think this has something to do with the way society perceives F on M domestic violence too. Society is very ready (correctly) to see M abusers as a general danger and unsuitable parents. F abusers tend to have a lot more people prepared to make excuses (he provoked it, he deserved it, she'd never hurt the children) and a lot more people are prepared to disbelieve M abuse victims = accuse them of fabricating abuse to keep children. Plus men tend to be more conscious that antagonising a mother by trying to gain sole custody could lead to zero contact.

PastaLaFeasta · 15/03/2016 11:47

She may have been violent in the past but how long ago was she last violent and is it possible for someone to be fully rehabilitated and no longer considered abusive of violent? A few posts have stated she is an abusive parent but is this really the case because the OP suggests not. And has she sought help for her mental health? My mum was occasionally violent and very mentally unwell but I would never label her as abusive or violent as a person, certain not now her condition is more stable. And I wouldn't blame the mother in this case for moving to where she has family and support to prevent her mental health deteriorating. I certainly would want to do so if I found myself single, it's hard doing it without support even when in a good relationship.

whois · 15/03/2016 11:32

Maybe DP should fight for custody if she is so unstable.

SohowdoIdothis · 15/03/2016 11:28

Could you relocate?

Fratelli · 15/03/2016 11:22

I'm sorry but I also think what your dp is saying is a cop out. I don't think he wants his child full-time. I would never leave my son with a violent person. Your dp clearly doesn't want the responsibility and he's not putting his child first.
That poor child. His parental choices are a mother who is physically violent and mentally unstable or a father who only wants him half heartedly. God bless him.

Griphook · 15/03/2016 11:19

Oh come on op, why is he leaving a child with an abusive parent! He left the child with an angry violent parent.
So I don't buy all the 'wants ds to have a mother who can meet his needs' she can't/doesn't.
Time for dp to put his money where his mouth is, and take some action.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 15/03/2016 11:16

If she was physically abusive, why is he under the impression the child is safe? An abuser will always be an abuser. Making her a bit happier near her family won't stop her from having these behaviours. She shouldn't even be seeing the child until she has undertaken extensive therapy and abuse courses, let alone having custody of him.

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2016 11:13

He has considered applying for sole custody in the grounds of her violence (she also has a conviction for GBH) and her mental state but feels this would be a bit extreme. He wants his DS to grow up with a mother and a mother who can meet his needs.

What is there to 'consider' for goodness sake?

Hell would freeze over before I'd leave a child of mine in the care of a violent person.

Any violent person - parent or not.

Aducknotallama · 15/03/2016 11:08

Actually Janet I know more than one woman who has left young dc with a violent partner. Various reasons but you are being very shortsighted in your assumptions.

JanetOfTheApes · 15/03/2016 11:01

When a woman is with a violent partner and leaves him, she takes the children with her. Because that is what a good parent does when the other parent is violent and has criminal convictions for violence.
Why then does a father always leave their child behind with the violent parent? I know NO woman who would do this, but I've never heard of the man doing it. Does he only care about removing himself from a bad situation, happy to leave his young child in it? Or does he just not want the responsibility of actually parenting properly?

I don't understand it. And it makes me lack sympathy for a man in this situation. He's not posting here, he's not planning on applying for residency or a PSO, only his girlfriend is. What is that about?

BillSykesDog · 15/03/2016 11:00

If she has issues stemming from her childhood are her family really going to provide the sort of support network she and her child need to cope?

wannaBe · 15/03/2016 10:56

So, the woman is violent with a conviction for GBH and your DP doesn't want to take his DS away from her because she's a good mother? Really?

Sorry but I don't understand wtf is wrong with these people (unfortunately mostly men) who claim that they don't want to rock the boat/don't want to upset the mother/don't want to upset the child/can't have the child full time. It's a cop-out, all of it.

Of course he can have the child full-time, yes he may have to make some adjustments for that to happen but of course it's possible. How do most single parents cope after all?

Unfortunately when you have a child with someone you have to do what is in the best interests of that child, and sometimes that means not being able to move 350 miles away if that would disrupt the other parent's relationship with said child.

Yes, he should apply for a PSO and should then look into the possibility of residency if this woman is so unstable. If she then chooses to move away to be nearer her parents that will be her choice to make, but she can't make the child pay for her decisions.

DrE678 · 15/03/2016 10:49

If her motivation is needing more support then that is not spite. You need to work out what you actually believe. If she genuinely needs more support to parent properly then it may be in the child's interest to move. If she is moving out of spite then maintaining the existing relationship with the father is more important and a PSO would be wise to give time to sort this out properly.

IdealWeather · 15/03/2016 10:41

xpost
You shouldn't look at things as xx is best for DP but his ex will be heartbroken etc... You should look at it from the pov of the child.

I agree there is no 'right' answer or a perfect solution but don't underestimate the effect it will have on his ds if he can't see his dad anymore either.

If the decision for his ds to move away feels like the right one, the you need to look at the very practical side of the move and esp what it will mean for the child.
What you really need to look at is what will be your arrangements when she is living there. How often can yur DP go there to see his ds? How often can she drive where you live? What about school hols? Will he be at your house for half the hols, maybe more to compensate for all the lost weekends?
Can he skype regularly?

IdealWeather · 15/03/2016 10:35

Tbh she has no hesitation to move away and make a life where her ds will have no father.
Whatever way you look at it, if she moves 300 miles away, either his ds will see very little of his mum or of his dad. I'm not sure one is better than the other and in particular, esp in this case.

Now the question is what is best for the child?
Is it better for him to be with his mum, knowing she has plenty of issues (in particular, if she has a history of violenec and MH issues, is he sure that this will not have some detrimental effect on the boy, eg him being the witness or the victime of said violence or violent outbursts?)
Your posts feel like your DP thinks a child HAS TO be with his mother and that his dad isn't as important which is sad tbh.

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 10:01

Thanks Mango, it must be very hard for you.

He does feel that he primary reasons are spite though, although she won't admit this.

OP posts:

DorothyPerkins · 15/03/2016 09:59

He is concerned about her going back to her family, but at the same time knows she'll be happier and therefore a better mother. It does mean him losing his child though.

He doesn't feel she's in any way a threat to DS, apart from in that she isn't coping living here.

I don't think there is a correct answer. She can either live here unhappily, DS can live with us and be separated from his mother who will be in an even worse state, or she can move away and be happy and a better mother but break DP's heart and his relationship with his child at the same time.

OP posts:

Mango5000 · 15/03/2016 09:54

What an awful situation & heartbreaking for you all.

However, a couple of years ago during a horrendous time in our relationship I was all set to move back home to my family & friends with ds. 350miles. I was suffering from depression and desperately sad & isolated. We live in DPs town & although I'm more settled now I still don't have a great support network. I'm very close to my family & extended family & quite regularly wish I'd gone through with the move back home. It was never to take ds away from his dad but as the main carer I wanted to feel comfortable and support in order to be the best mum I could be
Didn't go through with it & although through the worst times I still feel sad & lonely with only a few acquaintances here

There will be no ideal solution that will suit everyone. I hope your DP & his ex are able to come to the best agreement for the child though & that may be her being near a decent support network
sorry for the ramble

BertieBeats · 15/03/2016 09:54

I get the feeling from your posts that going for sole custody isn't an option. If my children was with someone so volatile with mental health issues I wouldn't trust them with my kid (please note ,I said volatile with mental health issues. I believe you can have mental health issues and still be a good parent). Just seems like an excuse not to have his child with you full time.

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