...to not want my mother's advice

[Franny1977]

I might be overreacting but I've just come to the end of my tether. I recently gave birth to my second child so my Mother has come to spend a week with me helping out. She came from two days the day after DD was born, I had been apprehensive as she has established views on how to manage a baby which I knew had caused some tension when my DS was born a couple of years ago. Anyway during those two days I found her to be very supportive and was surprised when she didn't say anything which I felt was judgemental, patronising or too controversial.

Cut to three weeks later and I have been really struggling to absorb all the remarks she keeps making about how I should do things differently from how often I feed DD to the cot she's sleeping in (she thinks she should be in a much smaller one until she's older) etc

I should say before I continue, for the sake of a balanced argument that she has been incredibly helpful from a practical perspective and has done so much to help around the house.

Anyway, tonight DD was really crying hard and we were contemplating what could be the matter. It seemed to early for another feed however I said I was going to make up a bottle (unfortunately BF was cut short due to a series of unfortunate complications). So I went to get one of the formula bottles from the cupboard and because DD was going berserk by the stage I didn't hear it up. I believe it's fine to give it to get at room temp when necessary.

Well my mum almost lost it. I gave her the bottle to give to DD and went into my room to get myself dressed for bed. The next thing I could hear DD screaming again. Then my mum came storming into my room shouting at me that the bottle I had given her was cold. I calmly told her it was at room temp but she dismissed this and said again that it was cold. I tried to explain to her that the pre made formula bottles can be served at room temperature but she kept interrupting my saying things like "I can't believe you'd give her a freezing bottle" and "how can you expect her to be warm with a cold bottle in her".

This went back and forth for a few minutes with her becoming more and more emphatic then angry. I then told her to go get the hot water so we could warm it up. I was really trying to manage my emotions. When she returned she started saying that I was so pig headed and why couldn't I listen to her advice the way my older sister does.

I just felt like a child again. I told her at the end that she'd upset me accusing me of doing something to hurt DD and that she wouldn't listen to my explanations about room temperature. She then said she was only trying to help and stormed out if the room.

I feel really bad because she's right she has been incredibly helpful but I feel so frustrated that the only way I can keep the peace is to basically follow all her ways of doing things while she's here.

[RubbleBubble00]

It's a silly fight over a bottle of milk. You both sound a bit tired. Did dm try to give dd the bottle and she spat it out?
Iv never given room temp bottles at night (my house is freezing so they are more frigid lol). Put it behind u. If she wants to warm bottles let her and u carry on as u r.

[Franny1977]

Thank you everyone! All these comments are really helpful, even helping me see it from her side too. My mother and I often don't see eye to eye but she is very much of the opinion that her way is the right way, I think she tried to bite her tongue int he first few days but now is just letting it flow, already this morning she has said a few things she'd do differently but is much calmer. I have to say I'm much calmer too, sounding off here and getting all this helpful advice has really helped.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Bloody hell, it's hardly neglectful to give a baby ready made formula as is, Don't listen to that crap OP, and keep offering it every now and again so that if you are ever in a situation where you can't warm it, your baby won't kick off!

[ollieplimsoles]

So sorry this happened op, I know how you feel, my gma is very opinionated. She cant get her head around the waiting to wean thing, when dd was 3 months and having a growth spurt so feeding constantly, she kept going on and on about her being a hungry baby, and I couldn't satisfy her on my own.

It's awful because you feel like a terrible mother, who doesn't know what to do for the best.

Could you explain how it makes you feel maybe?

[Franny1977]

To be honest when my mum used to criticise or contradict me I used to get rather argumentative and try to press my point. However last night I really was just trying to explain to her that it's ok to give the bottle at room temperature and given it had come out of the cupboard in a previously unopened bottle it was just that. She isn't a good "arguer" my mum, she's very proud and thinks my sisters and I are always trying to it smart her. She kept taking me down saying the bottle was cold which she then escalated to freezing to which I responded that it couldn't be either cold or freezing because it wasn't in the fridge and certainly not the freezer! This sort of rationale doesn't work with her though because she gets even more argumentative. That's when she starting calling me pig headed and claiming I wasn't as agreeable as my older sister.

Tbh I am now 38 and am able to stop myself feeling guilty when we have these arguments. I was tempted to start texting one of my sisters to sound off, they would understand because she does this with most of us.
That's why this discussion has been so helpful. I don't need to feel upset about giving my daughter room temperature formula (which she doesn't have a problem with) and I know I didn't conduct myself too badly in the argument.

My poor mam is playing the victim a bit today and is probably waiting for me to apologise or acknowledge that she was right and I was wrong but I don't need to do that. I've just been acting normal again.

Again to be fair she's been so helpful so I want her to know I'm very grateful but I won't be tolerating her temper tantrums when she is frustrated that I won't give in and do things her way.

[Birdsgottafly]

""Again to be fair she's been so helpful so I want her to know I'm very grateful but I won't be tolerating her temper tantrums when she is frustrated that I won't give in and do things her way""

That's the best way to address this. My DD had her first baby at 19, I knew how fraught a new Mum feels, so did my best to minimise and calm every situation down.

I don't agree that because you accept the help offered you can't challenge her.

There are still times when I have to remind myself that my eldest DD and her Partner are fully fledged adults, both are over 30 and adjust my response to things, or rethink comments that I am about to make and I also have to remind my eldest that her two Sisters are now Adults.

Once you have it out, if issues aren't taken on board then you'll have to have less contact, even if that means she takes your DD out, rather than in each others company.