AIBU to be annoyed at my brother?

[Jannerite]

This weekend I was to look after my niece and nephew (10 and 6), from Friday evening to any time during the afternoon/evening of Sunday, depending on when they wanted to go home. My brother, their dad, and their mum have them on alternate weekends, this weekend was their mum's. She'd already arranged months in advance to go on a hen night away (leaving early Sat and coming home Sun), which is why I was looking after them. My brother was working.

Anyway, on the Saturday evening my nephew decided he was going to have a tantrum and strop/sulk and refuse to do anything, including eating the Domino's we got as a one off, and something he was looking forward to. Their mum says I can ring her when he's like that and she'll have a word with him, which I don't do often, but as she was on a hen night, miles away, I thought I'd ring my brother instead.

My brother told me that it wasn't his weekend, that he wasn't going to speak to my nephew as it's nothing to do with him - again because it's not his weekend - and if I want somebody to talk to my nephew I should ring their mother. I told him that they were his children but all I kept getting was "it's not my weekend; ring their mother," so I hung up on him. I was annoyed, more with his attitude than anything else.

The whole time they were with me he never saw them once, even though he finished at 2pm on the Saturday. My niece was hoping he'd come and see them, and even knew he finished early on Sat. That kind of annoyed me as well, as I could see how much it upset her that he didn't want to be there.

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly, somewhat, annoyed at my brother?

[Jannerite]

He had it easy with our dad, ThumbWitcgesAbroad. Our dad was always there, but not there, kind of thing, or even not there at all, but my brother was a man by the time our dad walked out. He did however get to witness the heartbreak his 11year old+ sister (that's me) went through whenever our dad decided something else was more important, which was at least 90% of the time. Woo, my family is so great

[Jannerite]

Bogeyface, that makes a lot of sense.

No, it's rented. I've already decide though to move back home once he's got a moving date/moved out. It works out better for me as I intend on going to college hopefully this Sept. That would also help me with the "no". It could be a win-win situation for me, although there might be some guilt because I feel it might be like saying no to them too.

[Jannerite]

At least I'm not the only one with a brother that thinks it's okay to be an arsehole when he can't get his way, Mombino. It sucks.

[Jannerite]

MadameDeathstare, she is still with us but would probably take his side on things. She very much thinks that you should be willing to help family, regardless. That aside though, I think she is even getting tired of him shirking his responsibilities, but she won't say much to him about it.

I'm on very good terms with their mum, so can see them regardless of whether my brother has disowned me.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'm horrified for your DNs. Truly, horrified. Their father sounds as though his own children are just a massive inconvenience to him.

While I get that you are enabling him, I would probably do the same thing rather than let them feel that you didn't want them around either, poor bloody kids! :(

I'd also tell your SIL how he is on the Thursdays, she might not want to put her kids through being ignored at the new place with the new GF - again, I wouldn't.

It might be that he would step up and actually be a father to them, but from what you've said it doesn't sound likely - and from what you've said, your own father was exactly the same, so to some extent this is what he knows. BUT, having gone through that, why in FUCK would he inflict the same on his own children??!

So for you and :( for his DC. Really.

[Bogeyface]

And you know what?

If this new place falls through then tough, he moves out anyway. Its time he stood on his own 2 feet.

I am assuming it is your place?

[Bogeyface]

Janner then when he has gone, that is when you start saying no.

The fact is that his contact will probably become non existent within a few months. Chances are he only sees them as he does now because he knows that you are the one doing the actual parenting. When he has to take care of them on his own and do the homework, dinners, bedtimes etc he will soon get sick of it and access will dwindle to once every three weeks, once a month...and so on.

If you say no when he asks and he says to your SIL that he isnt having them then you can then go to her and offer to have them so she doesnt lose her free time. But the point is that you will then be helping her out, not him.

Sadly it wont change the fact that he cares more about his social life than his kids and he wont see them more often, but at least you will have a clear conscience.

One thing I would do though is encourage your SIL to get the kids into counselling to help them deal with his total lack of interest in them. I wish I had when sperm donor abandoned our kids 16 years ago.....

[AcrossthePond55]

He's a prick, but you know that. I think at this point I'd just bite the bullet until he moves out (assuming it actually happens) and then if he calls on you just say "Sorry, no can do" and let him deal with it. Of course I assume his GF will pick up where you left off. That kind of man usually manages to find a woman who ends up a doormat, but that's not your problem.

Help your SiL out, sounds as if she's a responsible parent and can use a break. Have the children IF and when you want them. But as far as your brother, he's on his own!

[Mombino]

My 'dear' brother does the same thing except with money. He's all nicey-nice while he's asking for and receiving money/favours, but the second I say 'no' he turns on the guilt trip 'well that means I can't go to uni this week then, something I thought my own sister would care about', then when that doesn't work he turns into a shouty sweary abusive piece of shit.

Fortunately he doesn't have any kids yet so there's still time for me to try to train it out of him.

As for your parasite brother - I'd stop helping him out on his access days. It might sound like a double-standard, if you're still going to help their mother out when she needs help with the kids (though she sounds reasonable and responsible in her requests), but unless he gets a harsh dose of reality he's just never going to change. Don't rise to the attempts at guilt tripping and don't let it get to you. You've been too good to him for too long.

[Jannerite]

Bogeyface We live together, but he's currently in the process of moving in to a property with his girlfriend. When that happens I won't see him for dust until he wants me to look after his children for him. I feel like an unpaid skivvy at times and not a sister

[Bogeyface]

if past experiences are anything to go by when things don't go his way/to his plans he'd resort to name calling/insults/guilt tripping, anything to make you feel bad and like utter crap.

I cant imagine why his wife left him.....

But none of that is a valid reason to help him out. In fact name calling, insults and guilt tripping are all perfect reasons to say a loud, firm "NO"

[Jannerite]

Mombino, if past experiences are anything to go by when things don't go his way/to his plans he'd resort to name calling/insults/guilt tripping, anything to make you feel bad and like utter crap.

[Bogeyface]

You need to keep doing what you are doing for your SIL but stop having them for your brother.

That way you are supporting her and the kids but making him face his responsibilities.

You have to start saying no to him, including not having them at your with him shut in his room or buggering off out.

Does he live with you?

[Namechangenell]

He sounds hideous! I'd help out SIL and see the kids on her days, then leave him to look after them on his. Don't enable him any more.

[zippey]

You are enabling his selfishness but I suspect you fear that without your support his parenting will be even worse. The children are the ones who will come off worse.

He sounds like a really uncaring parent and brother.

[Mombino]

What a knob. What do you think he'd do if you refused?

[Jannerite]

Mombino, he never reschedules. If he has plans he'll just carry on with them and ask me to look after them for him.

[Jannerite]

Fatmomma99, I know I need to start telling him no, tell him to find his gonads and to start being the dad they need but I can't see it happening. I know exactly what it feels like to have a "dad" who'd rather be doing anything else. I don't want that for them, but I know I'm actively encouraging him to be an arsehole parent by always being there for him to fall back on.

[6cats3gingerkittens]

My brother is a pain too. No children,thank goodness, far too bloody selfish to donate much let alone sperm.

[Mombino]

"it turns out that when she asks him if he can have them for the day/night because she has plans he says to ask me"



What a twat. Does he ever ask their mother to reschedule the access days to suit his plans? Or is there no need because he just fobs the kids off on you/someone else?

[Jannerite]

ApocalypseNowt, He wasn't too happy that she wasn't looking after them on her weekend to have them. The couple times I have called him before he just sighs, moans a bit and then tells me to hand the fucking phone over. Him seeing them when I have them is hit and miss, I guess it all depends if he can be bothered - or that's how it seems.

I mentioned it to their mum when I dropped them off on Sunday evening, and it turns out that when she asks him if he can have them for the day/night because she has plans he says to ask me.

[ample]

Sounds as if the children have a lovely, caring Aunt but a dickhead of a father.
Feel sad for your niece and nephew as it is always the children who miss out in the long run

Nope, YANBU to be annoyed

[nocoolnamesleft]

With a fuckwit of a dad like that, thank fuck they've got an aunt who actually cares about them.

[Fatmomma99]

TLB

Lovely that you are there for DN + N, but why are you enabling him?