What to say to unreasonable (I think) colleague?

[Tanyaaah]

I work with someone who "kicks off" at another slightly annoying colleague every now and again, he's a bit of a stickler for the rules and she is a very loud, bubbly, friendly type who is lovely most of the time but shouts and swears in an unpleasant way if someone crosses her. Anyway, this happened the other day, I usually try to keep out of it and stay quiet but she was particularly unreasonable and stormed out, then he left then she came back and started ranting at me about him and I said, "oh, its fine" just trying to say "calm down" without saying it, then she started shouting at me, I said "don't shout at me!" and she just kicked off again, I told her I didn't want to hear it all again as I was sick of hearing their arguments and she shouted then stormed out. We didn't speak for the rest of the day. I have to work with her this week and I don't know what to do. Its ruined my weekend. I thought she'd apologise.
Should I text her? I really don't like a bad atmosphere and conflict. We have been pretty good friends until now!

[sleeponeday]

I think if you see someone bullying someone else and say you "aren't taking sides", then you have enabled the bullying. Nothing moral high ground about that.

[kawliga]

If you are going to go all 'moral high ground' that means you must take the side of the victim. Choosing not to take sides is enabling the bullies. Texting the bully to try and mollify her is just caving in. Perhaps if she sees that her friendship with you is at stake she might stop shouting and swearing at her colleagues.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

^" shouts and swears in an unpleasant way if someone crosses her."
She's a bully. The only thing you should consider texting to her is 'Don't ever speak to me like that again.' Stop giving her lifts. And raise the matter with your manager. She is not your friend.

[Tanyaaah]

Thank you, we will see what happens tomorrow. Its the lift home I give her because I live close, I can't really not unless she ignores me all night, then I won't. Im assuming she will pretend everything is ok as I haven't had an apology. I don't think we'll be mates anymore, I would just like work to be easy. I may speak to my line manager in confidence.
Thanks for all your advice, its made this much less stressful!

[Tanyaaah]

I just typed a text to her, was thinking about it and pressed send by mistake! Maybe a good thing as its exactly what i think! Oh dear. Not good at stuff like this.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Not good at stuff like this."
No normal person is good at this! What did the text contain?

[leelu66]

Please don't continue giving her a lift if she ignore you until hometime!

You are not obliged to give her a lift just because she lives near you.

[Tanyaaah]

I said, "About thursday, Im sorry you and X had a disagreement but I don't think you should deal with people by shouting at them. I was really upset by that and Im sure X was too. Im not taking sides but that was not appropriate for the workplace. I hope you understand that I am still your friend but I don't want to be spoken to like that again."

[GruntledOne]

It seems to me that that text is exactly what was needed, OP.

[Tanyaaah]

She's replied. She thinks he's victimising her by telling her not to do stuff etc but not treating me and the other person the same. She thinks I definitely took sides! She says she's complained about him. She doesn't want to fall out with me and is sorry I got shouted at.

What can I say to that! I can't just keep arguing.

[Tanyaaah]

I may phone my boss, but I don't want her to know.

[LemonBreeland]

I think you really need to speak to your boss. This is completely inappropriate workplace behaviour.

Is this guy out of order in his behaviour? If so, she should go through the proper channels with that too.

[Tanyaaah]

I don't really think he is, she's blown it all out of proportion. I can't say this to her cos it'll just confirm to her that I am taking sides.

[wallywobbles]

Rather a good text. Shouldnt worry to much about it but do talk to manager sharpish. Always best to get in first in these situations. And if he can have her in for a quiet word that might be the best for all concerned really.

[wallywobbles]

Did she actually say "sorry you got shouted at" or "sorry I shouted at you", because there is a world of difference.

[Tanyaaah]

She actually said Im sorry you were there and got caught in the cross fire.
Emailed boss, want to speak to him in confidence.

[WhitePhantom]

Definitely sounds like bullying on her part. Good text, and good to discuss it with your boss.

Re. her reply, "cross-fire" implies it was coming from both ides, but from the way you described it it sounds like it was all coming from her.

[WhitePhantom]

• both sides

[Tanyaaah]

I replied saying no ones taking sides, I don't want to see anyone being treated unfairly. (She thinks she's the one being treated unfairly) So attempting to keep the peace whilst being not obviously on either side.

[sleeponeday]

Good for you, OP. Text was perfect and I think talking to the boss in confidence is also a great idea. I'm sure this guy can be annoying, but you also sound clear that he's not ill-intentioned, and her behaviour to him is straightforward bullying. As she apparently has form, and turned on you for not backing her up (sounds just like the bloody playground) then they really need to manage the situation before it gets any worse.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"She thinks he's victimising her by telling her not to do stuff etc but not treating me and the other person the same."
You've described him as 'a bit of a stickler for the rules' so I'd imagine he's telling her not to do stuff because she's doing stuff she shouldn't be doing. Presumably he doesn't tell you not to do stuff because you're not doing it? He is NOT victimising her, he is picking up on her incorrect actions. But she's not taking responsibility for her own actions. I don't like the way she's trying to turn it into his fault when the fault is hers.

"She thinks I definitely took sides!"
I actually think taking his side in this matter would be the correct thing to do. She is in the wrong and trying to cover her arse by creating an unnecessary scene and blaming him.

Speak to your boss. This woman is causing problems that interfere with the smooth running of the office, the boss needs to deal with her. Do not cover for her, just be truthful about the incident and the overall situation.

And don't give her a lift. I can think of nothing worse than being stuck in a confined space with Little Miss Mouthy Bully.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Sounds like she's playing the victim because she's been told to stop being the bully.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I would really try not to discuss any further on text message or you are really going to be dragged into the middle of it when it kicks off with her line manager

[limitedperiodonly]

Why are you texting her?

Just tell her face to face that you don't want to be dragged into her dramas and if she wants to continue receiving lifts home she'd better respect that or get a bus timetable.

[Tanyaaah]

I give her a lift because we finish late tonight, it would seem mean not to. I agree now that i should be on his side and I was, I won't pretend I wasn't if it comes up again.
I texted her as we work together, alone (sort of) tonight and I wanted to clear the air a bit before seeing her as Im not good at this face to face, I would probably just cry!