To ask for your help in dealing with this awful work colleague?

[MintyChapstick]

Sorry this might be a long one.

I do supply work. I'm a Teaching Assistant, and at present Im at a lovely local primary school. I've been there since Christmas covering someone who's off long term sick. All was well and I was loving it until a few weeks ago when the other teaching assistant in the class went off sick as well, so another girl from my agency came to cover her. Initially I was quite pleased as I enjoy meeting other people from my agency, it's a common ground we have etc but she's worked at the school before and has done several ongoing long term placements theew and seemed to think from the off she was the authority over me because of it. Nothing unpleasant I could put my finger on, but lots of ever so patronising comments, talking down to me and suble undermining of me.

This was always presented to me as helpful advice. so even though it grated on me I ignored it and carried on as I had been, after all the class teacher is pleased with me apparently. I even carried on being nice to her in a "kill her with kindness" kind of way. She might be a TA but she's appalling at spelling, and has asked me to help her with words several times. I always oblige.

Well anyway since half term she seems to have upped her game. The comments are becoming more snide, for example today a little boy took his boots off and I said something about putting his new boots back on. She then said "they're not new, he's had them for ages now" (he's had them about a month maybe, so why does it fucking matter?)constant questioning of what I'm doing and why im doing it, I'll tell the kids to do one thing she immediately tells them to do another. Today she vaguely had a go at me for giving the wrong child a drink of water. Its all subtle never said in front of anyone else either, I've no idea what I've done to offend her?

Now, I want to be the better person and ignore, but quite honestly im on the verge of blowing and I know that when I do what I will say won't be very nice. The other part of me is thinking, fuck this im going to phone the agency tomorrow and say I don't want to this anymore send me elsewhere , but I really don't see why I should in all honesty? Class teacher is lovely and so are the kids, but I can't be arsed. I've not been well lately, some of you will know what I'm referring to and really am not in the best frame of mind. I think one more comment tommorrow and I will explode, and then no doubt get asked to leave, be reported to the agency etc.

So what the hell do I do? I have blown in this situation before and it came back on me and I ended up having to leave my job over it (long story).

Help!

[RatherBeRiding]

Be careful about reporting her to the agency - it could develop into one of those "he said/she said" situations, where she will deny everything and try to make out that you are the problem.

And if there are no independent witnesses to her behaviour then there is no evidence, I'm afraid, and it will be your word against hers.

However, it might be worth asking the agency if they can try and avoid you working together again. You could simply say that you don't particularly get on. But again, you don't want to come across as "difficult", so maybe it would be best to work on ways of defusing the situation.

Madam rightly calls this behaviour of your colleagues "sniping". Google it - snipers are ambushers. They don't like to come right out and say it, they like to hide and ambush - like snipers. The way to deal with them is to flush them out into plain sight, and there has been a lot of useful advice on this thread on how to handle this behaviour.

[amarmai]

act now before you blow. It's a big no no in schools to undermine the relationship between pupils and staff e.g. by contradicting you in front of the students. Either make notes or use a tiny tape recorder and set up a meeting between you and the ct. Do not have the meeting with the 3 of you at first. BTW i am a retired teacher . It happens a lot.i/e/ not you ,it's her and she does the same to others because she is insecure. State facts to ct and try to keep emotions and judgements out- altho a little emo is good if the ct expresses sympathy. Best wishes in your career. You will do well.

[MintyChapstick]

Thanks amarmai.

[MintyChapstick]

Ok, I won't blow up at her, even if it is soooo tempting. I will just continue to ignore and challenge any blatant rudeness with some of the suggestions on here. I think its important to be the better person here, and I suspect she is the sort to go off and accuse me of bullying her.

[FindoGask]

Maybe it's not personal and she's like that with everyone. I know one or two people a bit like this - the pedantic nitpicking about new vs month old boots rang a bell with me. Some people are just like that - I wouldn't even assume it's down to insecurity, but I doubt it's personal and I don't think it's worth confronting her over it or doing any game-playing.

[MintyChapstick]

Oh I think it is personal. She's not like it with anyone else.

[araiba]

you seem to have very thin skin

have you considered that you take everything she says a bit too seriously

[MintyChapstick]

Maybe araiba. I am a bit fragile at the moment.

[CrohnicallyAspie]

Just out of interest, what sort of learning disability does she have? Is there any way that it could be affecting her interactions with you?

I ask because I was in a similar situation with a colleague- I was the 'bitchy' one- because I have Asperger's and was doing exactly what she told me to, and she thought I was being deliberately obtuse and obstructive by not reading between the lines and doing what she meant for me to do?!

[MintyChapstick]

She didn't say what learning difficulties she has, just that it affects her ability to read and write and caused her problems at school. That's why I've always helped her with spelling etc, I've never sneered at her or anything like that when she asked for help with spellings.

Maybe she is just insecure? I'm certainly not a threat to her in any shape or form, and I know I'll be moving on soon but that's how it goes in our line of work. She will move on as well eventually.

[Naicehamshop]

I've been in a similar situation and agonised for ages about whether to say anything to the other person or not; in the end I reached the end of my tether and told her (firmly but not hysterically) to "back off"! She was very apologetic (she knew she was in the wrong) and things have been much better since.
I would be tempted to say something to her - calmly but firmly - along the lines of "Is everything OK? You seem to be very concerned about the way I am doing my job!" That is the only way to deal with bullies - otherwise they just get worse and worse!
On a side note - how can she possibly be a TA if she has problems with reading and writing??

[sonjadog]

She sounds insecure to me. I think you just ignore for the next four weeks.

[CrohnicallyAspie]

Why can't she be a TA if she has problems reading and writing? Being a TA is so much more than that!

For a start, she is bound to be at a level that she can eg hear a year 1 pupil read. Secondly, it's good for pupils to see someone who has struggled and worked to overcome difficulties. Thirdly, she will be able to empathise with pupils with learning disabilities so much more, and might even find ways to help them that others can't. Fourthly, she might have talents in other areas and can play to those strengths- there are many subjects at school that don't revolve around reading and writing, plus there's pastoral roles to be filled if academia really isn't your thing!

So long as she acknowledges and works around her difficulties (as it appears from the OP's posts) then there is no real reason why she shouldn't be a TA! (And by that I mean if she avoids eg writing comments for the children of she knows it is likely to be spelled incorrectly or grammatically incorrect, I would rather that than someone who thinks they don't have a problem writing 'you should of'!)

Next you'll be telling me that people with Asperger's can't be TAs either!

[MintyChapstick]

I believe that last time she was at the school she applied for a peremenant job there and was turned down because of her lack of GCSE's. She doesn't have any.

It's true that being a TA is so much more that just helping them to read and write, but as far as I'm aware a good standard of English and maths is essential for the job.

[Naicehamshop]

Crohnically As the OP says a good standard of English and maths is essential for the job; I really would have thought that that was painfully obvious.

[Naicehamshop]

There are pastoral roles to be filled in schools, of course, but these are not TA roles, Crohnically. TAs work with the children all the time; I am constantly checking work, giving spellings, correctly and encouraging both verbally and in writing. You must have a very low opinion of TAs and what they do if you think they don't need to be able to spell correctly, or write to a reasonable standard!

[CrohnicallyAspie]

Maybe I was unclear.

In my nieces school there are TAs who work in the nursery and reception classes- the foundation stage- whose main job is in extending the children's learning by asking questions, taking on a role in their play, setting challenges... In addition they help the children with self care skills, lead circle time type sessions, work with groups of children on specific skills such as gross motor, fine motor, turn taking. None of those tasks require a good standard of written English.

I probably wouldn't expect a TA with difficulty reading and writing to be working in a higher year group, where there is more emphasis on formal learning- however I have known teachers with dyslexia so I do think it depends how severe the difficulty is, for example if it's mainly a difficulty in spelling then spell check and someone to proof read would help!

By 'pastoral roles' I meant things like nurture groups, one to one play sessions with vulnerable children- my niece has been working closely with a TA with training in bereavement counselling as her mum has been very ill. I couldn't actually tell you what her reading and writing skills are like and to be frank, I couldn't care less so long as she is helping my niece in some way!

There is also a highly trained TA who helps with children's speech and language therapy and one who performs physiotherapy.

I would say it is you who has a low opinion of TAs and what they do if you think they need to be with the children all the time doing reading and writing type tasks!

[Proginoskes]

When I've had trouble with similar people in work or social situations, I've had a lot of luck with giving them what I call the 'flat affect' treatment. If I have occasion to talk with them or ask a question it's very matter of fact, not rude or brusque, but not friendly either. If they try to 'tweak' me or get to me by making snide remarks I always make a noncommittal remark with a completely flat affect, no expression on my face or in my eyes (I suggest practicing this in the mirror at home if, like me, you're one of those people who has trouble controlling facial expressions). Do be advised if you do this to people whose main joy in life is getting a rise out of people, it will really boil their piss and they'll escalate with the snide remarks and sly digs. Same treatment though, flat affect, noncommittal and if they get really obnoxious I use what I call the "what a peculiar bug I've just found!" expression. The important thing is to keep your chill and not give them ANYTHING, no kind of reaction, no sign they're bothering you.

[Devilishpyjamas]

She has no GCSE's & you have a degree. She may feel inadequate next to you because of it- it matters to some people. (I have degrees coming out of my ears & couldn't give a damn who has what, but it can be an issue).

Don't blow - you'll look bad. I'd avoid being PA or sarcastic as well. If you can carry off 'well that's me told' cheerfully it might work?

[MintyChapstick]

I must admit I am very tempted to do the sarcastic thing. I know it's childish but it would make me feel a little bit better, but the last time I did that the awkward person blew up in my face and I was concerned that he'd assault me. I wasn't in a very good frame of mind then either, having just suffered a close bereavement.

I don't think this girl would assault me, but I suppose you never really know with people do you?

[Aussiemum78]

Play deaf.

Every time she says something snide, pause, smile and say "sorry I didn't catch that", "pardon?" "Could you repeat that?"

It will make her uncomfortable, feel petty and she risks being overheard.

[wannaBe]

Tbh there seem to be issues on both sides here.

On the one hand, you have someone who appears to be insecure and who appears to need to exert her own position by undermining yours. If this is actually the case, I wouldn't be so confident that she has ingratiated herself to everyone to the extent that you are the only one who sees it. Generally if people really are that unpleasant other people do notice, but if they come across as charming on the surface you often get a situation where everyone has noticed but everyone thinks that they're the only one who has and then you get into a situation where everyone knows but no-one says anything.

I might be inclined to gently bring it up with someone else Along the lines of whether you've done anything wrong as X has said y on a couple of occasions so you just wanted to double check. If there is a problem with this particular woman they are more likely to confirm that they've noticed what she can be like, and that would act as some reassurance. I wouldn't resort to game playing or snide comebacks etc. Also, if she has a learning disability is it possible that her disability is such that it does affect her social skills or the way she reacts to situations? E.g. The comment about the boots not being new and that the child had had them for a month seems very literal, and I might be inclined to wonder whether she takes things very literally and reacts as such?

On the other hand, you state yourself that you are very fragile but also that you've had occasions in the past where you've blown up and ended up having to leave your job. Do you regularly fall out with people? Is it possible that you are actually being paranoid because of previous experiences and that you are taking all of this too personally when actually it's just a case of someone who is a very literal thinker and struggles a bit?