Woman keeps demanding lifts! AIBU?

[blackcatwhitewhiskers]

This is so awkward.

I am friends with a lady (Jane) and we have a hobby we do together.

A few months ago Jane's sister Sue started coming along.

Jane is now unwell and not participating in this hobby - but sue keeps texting me and telling (!) me to pick her up!

It's really awkward. Sue doesn't live far away but it's in the opposite direction to the hobby.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I?

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Oh, lifts!!
I have noticed that there are those who drive, those who demand lifts, and those who flatly refuse to give lifts.

I do five activities during the week, and for four of them I have to collect other people because they are unable to drive or incapacitated.

These are some of the excuses offered when asking if other members might share the burden:

I don't want to commit myself;
I don't know if I shall be coming next week;
I might be called on to babysit;
I couldn't possibly use my car because I use it to carry straw for the horses;
My car is too small (now replaced with):
My night vision is terrible;
I am going to the dentist (2 hours later)
I am far too silly to learn to drive;
I am a terrible day-dreamer behind the wheel of the car;
I prefer to walk (unless somebody offers me a lift)
My husband doesn't like me giving lifts;
I like to get there/leave early.

Good luck!

[Jelliebabe1]

Boooooo thought this was going to develop into a full blown liftzilla.... Very unaccommodating for her not to!

[TubbyTabby]

she's a cheeky mare.
you're well shot of her.

[MoggieMaeEverso]

But why did she ask for the lift in the first place? I thought you had been giving Jane lifts, but if you hadn't, I wonder where she got the idea you would pick her up...? Anyway it sounds like you've set her straight with no drama, well done!

[MidniteScribbler]

It's just a polite acknowledgement that refusing to give her a lift will put her to some degree of inconvenience.

The choice of being inconvenienced is all hers. She has the option to get a drivers licence, buy a car, use a taxi, get on a train, catch a bus, ride a bicycle, or just use her own legs. Her lack of transport options are her own problem, not anyone else's.

[fuzzpig]

Well done OP! Looks like you have got the message across :)

[BabyGanoush]

She is a typical guilt-tripping user

Steer clear!

[LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive]

^Since she is clearly someone who thinks it is ok to be so direct, she can hardly expect anything else in response.
I would say i am not picking you up. I am not a taxi and i find your assumption that i ferry you around unacceptable.^

This exactly. Don't be afraid of being direct and honest. It's not like she pulls any punches is it? Dh taught me to be more direct. If he doesn't want to do something he just says no outright and gives his reason even if that reason is that he just doesn't feel like it. It used to embarrass me but now I like it. :o

[Tangofandango]

Eminado absolutely. Being honest makes life so much easier and less dramatic. It doesn't have to be aggressive or confrontational. I didn't want to fall out with other two so thought it best to tell them rather than make up excuses. We are still friends many years later.

I've found it's easier to say it like it is as I've got older, and can't be bothered to tiptoe around people any more.

[Petal02]

I do a weekly hobby, one evening per week - and even a 10 minute detour in both directions would be really inconvenient on a regular basis (no problems with one-off) and would probably be enough to really spoil the whole hobby for me.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Nevermind, not your problem, if she is moody at the hobby, people will notice, and will not want to be her friend.

[Eminado]

Wow Tango you sound like my kind of person. It's so much easier to be straight forward.

[blackcatwhitewhiskers]

Basically 2 weeks ago she texted the 'hi what time are you picking me up'.

I got her on that occasion but made an excuse the following week.

This week she told me to pick her up and I said 'can't sorry.'

She was moody at the hobby then. Never mind.

[Petal02]

I really feel for the OP, as this could have really spoilt her enjoyment of the hobby. And caused issues in her friendship with Jane.

[dgcoco5]

Are you actually 'friends' with Sue ?..a friend wouldn't try to inconvenient you. ..has she ever done anything in to return the favour ?
I'd be tempted to be blunt -to say something along the lines like sorry I don't consider you a friend and have other better things to do than being your taxi driver ...
Might sound bit childish & harsh but since she doesn't get your hints then being harsh might just get the message across!

[Petal02]

Have I missed a bit? Did the OP text her and actually say there would be no more lifts? I've read that Rude Woman hardly speaks to the OP, but feel like I've missed out on "why"?

[Fluffy40]

Perhaps it's time to try a different hobby !

[Tangofandango]

I used to be on a village committee that met every couple of weeks at a different member's house each time. Two members who were NDNs lived just round the corner from me. Their husbands both worked nights and took the cars so the wives had no transport. So on meeting nights I picked them up and dropped them home again, didn't mind at all, it wasn't out of my way. I did this for a couple of years. I never asked for petrol money and they never offered, I would've been going anyway so it wasn't an issue.

One evening I was getting ready to go pick them up when I got a phone call from one of them saying her husband hadn't gone to work that night so she had the car, so not worry about picking her and NDN up, they would go in her car and see me at the meeting.

It wasn't until I was on my way to the meeting that I realised they could have offered to pick me up!

I stopped the lifts from then on, and when they asked me why I hadn't picked them up for the next meeting I was honest and said I thought it was a bit rude that they had accepted lifts from me for all that time but when they had the chance to reciprocate they didn't even offer. They looked completely shocked and tbf were mortified when they realised, it hadn't even occurred to them, they just thought they were saving me the job of picking them up.

They were very apologetic, and we remained friends, and I did pick them up again, but they did start giving me petrol money after that.

[rollonthesummer]

What did you reply?
Did you drive her sister in every time?
Is the hobby more than once a week?
How does she get there when you don't take her?

[TamaraLamara]

'hi blackcat what time are you picking me up'

"I can't pick you up as its not convenient. See you at [shared interest group]"

Easy peasy

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

I think I must have missed bits 😏
What did you reply last week in the end?
What was her response?
What was the "pointed remark"?

I hate vagueness.

[blackcatwhitewhiskers]

Well, she made some pointed remark about the bus yesterday but other than that, nothing.

I think she's got the message, hurray!

[Binkermum29]

My beloved dad couldn't drive and used to walk everywhere in our one-horse town. Miles and miles. He was, though, very well-loved in the town, through church and his job, so he was often stopped, when walking, by people offering him lifts - which he gratefully accepted.
As a result, my brother declared him a member of the Institute of Advanced Passengers.
Sue's application to be a member of this honourable organisation should be treated with the contempt it deserves.
(Sorry to go slightly off-piste but I love telling this story).

[myusernamewastaken]

Grrr nothing gets my goat more than this.......i think some people are born users and she is one of them.....i have been in similar situations over the years and its something i really struggle with.....i would worry that if op falls out with this woman then attending her hobby is going to become really awkward x

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"it's literally 'hi blackcat what time are you picking me up'"

Either: "I'm not. What gave you that idea?"

Or: "I think you've confused my number with your local cab office"

My favourite: "I'm not your free mini-cab service, so please stop asking me. I'm under no obligation to ferry other people about"