A birthday part one!

[Oakmaiden]

I am expecting lots of people to say that IABU because I know that the prevailing MN view is that children should be allowed to invite who they want to their parties. I have my flameproof jacket ready, and I am a big girl, so I can take it. :)

However, there is no way I would allow my child to do this.

Basically, my daughter has recently started comp (so is 12). She is the only person from her old school to move to this one, but she did have a group of friends before she started from an outside school activity. One of these (B) lives close to us and dd considers her a best friend.

6 months on and the girls have a very similar friendship group, but things are a lot rockier between B and dd. DD is very definite that she wants to be friends with B, B blows fairly hot and cold. But, as I say, their friends are pretty much all mutual, so they socialise a lot.

B is having a birthday party. She has invited the whole friendship group. Except for dd - she has instead told dd that she isn't inviting her because a lot of the people coming don't really like her. She has said that they (B and dd) will go to the cinema together instead on another day.

Her parents are OK with this - they seem to think it shows their daughter is being sensitive to the peer group. Her daughter has told them it is because a particular girl (C) dislikes dd - despite the fact that dd was invited to C's birthday party 3 weeks ago.

DD is of course distraught - not only is she being excluded, it is also being inferred that her friendship group all secretly dislike her.

There is just no way I would knowingly allow my daughter to exclude someone in this way. I am upset on dds behalf. I think it is hugely unkind. Am I being unreasonable in that?

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

It's social exclusion. Which is bullying. There's no dressing up. The same thing happened to my DD in reception. I bet you feel like saying to the child and her parents. Stick the fucking party up your arse. You wouldn't be a mother if you didn't.

[Pontytidy]

I think that it unpleasant and unthoughtful but sadly it the child/parents whose party it is who make decision. What I do know is that be thoughtless behaviour is a way to loose friends.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

No DD didn't tell the girl nobody liked her - nobody likes her behaviour - it's OTT - she knew she would spoil the party - that and this girls view of DD is different to DD view of her - she fine just the two of them - but not in a crowd - has an audience to play up to.

I didn't suggest your DD was the same - but there maybe other factors -

[lalalonglegs]

B obviously knows what buttons to push - she uses your daughter's consideration of other people as a fault. I'm sure if she were the life and soul, B would be telling her that other people (nb: not B who would never judge her ) think she is too loud. Classic divide and rule techniques. Have you come across a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes? It offers a lot of good advice for helping girls (and their parents) negotiate this sort of friendship dynamic.