To expect MIL to give info on DHs father.

[MargotFenring]

My DH is recovering from cancer. He was lucky and the doctors caught it early - treated with surgery and got it all so no chemo etc needed. He is now recovering, and will be for some month's yet, from the major and brutal surgery he had. It is hard as don't want to give too much revealing info but basically the type of cancer he had, we have been told is very likely a genetic one. The doctors recommended he undergo genetic testing to establish this and then we can further establish the likelihood of our DS, currently aged 4, getting it. My DH is 33 years old.

His mom married a man 9 months after DH was born who raised him as his own but he is not DHs biological father. He left when DH was born. DH found out when he was 12, at that time MIL said she would help him contact biological father if he ever wished it. DH then said no.

Fast forward 21 years, the relationship with MIL and FIL has been pretty bad, we had not spoken for 3 years prior to his getting sick. MIL imo, is pretty terrible. Think of all the bad MIL tales that get told on here and I can relate to most of them. However when DH was admitted to hospital, the day he got sick, I could tell the drs were worried, so before they even confirmed anything, I called MIL because, as a mother myself, I would want to know my son was extremely ill in hospital, despite everything.

They came and have actually been pretty great. This was 4 months ago. They have built up a great relationship with our DS. Taken him for weekends, they want to give him horse riding lessons, buy him nice rings, spend time etc. We haven't talked about past issues - their words are: water under the bridge.

Anyway - sorry for rambling picture painting - After Dr tells us Wednesday that in order to sort this genetic testing, the specialist that does this, will need a genetic family tree. So DH phones his mum, explains everything. She said she would help him, so he asks for his bio fathers name, explains he just wants to try and find out if he is alive/dead, try and talk to him, just to establish if this cancer is on his side. There are lots of cancers on his mother's side. But MIL said no. She won't tell him. No explanation. Just no. Actually the only real life example I have seen of 'no' being a complete sentence.

DH did not argue with her. The call ended with a vague commitment to seeing her this weekend.

I am raging though. Giving us the name is no guarantee of answers, but not giving it is complicating things. They were 19 when she got pregnant. He ran off when the baby was born. They were not living together. I have asked other relatives before about him, they said he cheated on her and was a shit in that sense but no mention of abuse.

I don't know. AIBU in expecting her to provide this?

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

I had bowel cancer a few years ago and it turned out to be due to a genetic disorder. I was the first with the condition in my family. I agree with AlexPKeaton that the family tree may not be that important.

Has he seen a geneticist yet? I provided a full family tree, but there's no history of bowel cancer in my family so I'm not sure it was of any use. I had blood taken and my DNA was tested. They presumably have some conditions in mind so they can look at those specific genes.

I hope that your DH makes a good recovery and that your DS has not inherited any issues

I agree that your MIL ought to provide information, especially as she has offered to in the past. But the genetic testing will be more useful, as your DH may well be the first to develop the mutation.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

sorry for very late double post!

[ZiggyFartdust]

Family tree is never important in these things. The patient may be adopted, or the person they think is their father is not, or they may never have known their father or anything about them. Genetic testing would never rely on a family tree especially on the paternal side as there is so much room for doubt and unknowns./

It's her past, I don't think she owes it to anyone. It would of course be good if she did, but I don't see that she has to.

[RaspberryOverload]

It's her past, I don't think she owes it to anyone.

But her son has a right to know who his biological father is.

[cdtaylornats]

Your MIL might not know, may have been raped, might be covering for abuse - there may be reasons why she cannot answer.

[mumofthemonsters808]

I suspect the Mother is trying not to open a can of worms and there is more to her motives than meets the eye. Sometimes unraveling the past causes a lot of pain and misery and changes lives. I think she is trying to protect her son.

[Atenco]

No expert here, but surely it is enough for your child's doctors to keep an eye out for this cancer risk. I wonder whether, what with the NHS getting more and more privatised, if getting this precise information might not jeopardise your son's access to private health insurance in the future?

[BluePancakes]

Which gene does he have? I have a cancer gene (BRCA1+) so have undergone testing.
Whilst the family tree can help, it's not essential. In my case, my mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer Jan 2015, and had genetic testing done in May, so they knew which gene sequence to look at when looking at my DNA. However, in my mum's case, they had to check her entire sequence, because though there has been ovarian cancer in her family (which prompted the testing), nobody else had had genetic testing done before they had died.

[MargotFenring]

Thanks for the responses. Getting this information is not essential but does help. Neither of us want to see DS suffer the wasy DH did and continues to but I suppose, after reading the responses, I am being unreasonable to expect her to just give it. Probably thinking with my heart more than my head.

It's been a tough few months.

[annielouisa]

Are you sure her family know the truth about your DH DF and not a sanitised version. I told people lies to hide a much more painful darker truth.

[MargotFenring]

MILs sister weirdly asked DH a month or so before he got sick and before i called them and things got patched up, if he was seeing his bio dad, because that is what MIL, FIL and SIL thought he was doing. DH told her no, that he didn't even know his name.

MIL fell out with her sister (DHs aunt) the year before when she found out she had spoken to DH - DH dropped a Christmas card over, so DH doesn't feel he can ask his mum why she thought that as she would know the aunt was speaking to him, and he does not want to cause a row. Very odd though. Nothing adds up.

[BillSykesDog]

Leave it. She obviously has her reasons. I also think she could be hiding something bigger. Possibly rape or it's a family member eg abuse.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not sure how much help it would be. If they suspect the cancer is genetic then they will have gene mutations in mind. They can take your DH's blood and sequence the relevant genes to look for mutations.

My geneticist was a bit bemused by the detailed family history my nurse had collected. It's more useful in situations where they are trying to decide whether or not to run genetic tests. But it sounds like they've already decided your husband needs them.

The only benefit I can think of would be that if they'd already found a mutation in his father, they would know exactly where to look so wouldn't need to sequence multiple genes. This will speed things up for your son once they've tested your DH's DNA.

I don't have children, so I can only imagine what it must be like worrying about your son's future. It's not surprising that your heart is ruling at the mo. To be blunt, he either has the gene or not, getting the information from MIL wouldn't make any difference to that. I'm sure she doesn't want your son to suffer either.

I really hope he doesn't have it

[mrsneilgaiman]

I have asked other relatives before about him, they said he cheated on her and was a shit in that sense but no mention of abuse. They wouldn't necessarily know. There is a child whose father was a rapist in my family. Almost no one knows. There were so many lies that no one would have the full story.

[RaspberryOverload]

While I am sympathetic to the possibility that there could be a can of worms here, I find it interesting that people are dismissing the son's right to know who his father is.

When I've seen other people posting about whether they keep their DCs parentage from them, they are most often told that they can't hide the DCs parentage, even if the absent parent was a nasty person. That the DC should be told age appropriate stuff as they ask questions.

MIL offered to tell once, I think she should stick to that.

[diddl]

"DH doesn't feel he can ask his mum why she thought that as she would know the aunt was speaking to him"

Sounds as if the Aunt knows then!

Well obvs someone other than MIL does if she thought that he was talking to his dad even though she hadn't told him who his dad is.

[queenofthepirates]

Please, be respectful of her privacy. Let it go.

[Hormonal33]

I don't understand why everyone is saying "she has her reasons, let it go" - Why? Your DH has every right to know and especially so as it could affect your DS. I think you should explain the situation to another family member and ask for his name to be able to trace him. I think your MIL is being really selfish and if she has a "good" reason for not saying then she should say what that is.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Personally if I thought that this had even a 1% chance of effecting my child's life I would scorch the earth if necessary to get the information needed.

I'd start by writing a very calm gentle email / letter to both MIL and FIL explaining that her not telling you could impact your ds's life. If they still wouldn't help then I would find that unforgivable. I'd then go to every family member until I found one who cared more about a child's life than MIL's seeming periodic huffs.

I'm generally of the view that I deal with my family, Dh deals with his. But not when it effects my children's chance of seeing their 40th birthday. I would sacrifice everything - including my marriage if necessary - to improve that.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Oh and yes it is possible there was terrible abuse. But - from what you have described - I think it is more far likely that she is still in a huff with him for dumping her.

[redgoat]

I think he has a right to know his personal history. Not the goings on of the time (that's his mum's business) but he has a right to know who his father is/was.

With regards to the generic testing, I'd research the possible implications for your son of you DO have this done. My mum died of MND and my DH suggested getting me and our children tested as my mum was the third case in 2 generations (her father and an uncle). I decided against genetic testing for a few reasons. I already have little panics if I drop stuff (my mum's thumb muscles went first) so if I knew I carried a faulty gene or higher risk, my mental health would go all over the place. Also, if I was genetically tested, no insurance company would ever cover me (or my children ) for MND related things.

I know it's a different illness but it's worth considering the possible wider effects of having the tests as well as not having them.

This is very difficult for you. X

[MargotFenring]

I just want my son to have the best chance he is going get.

Honestly, the protective mother in me wants to tie her to a chair drag the information out of her. But I have to be sensible and consider everything. I personally don't believe there to be abuse. I strongly suspect that it's not the person she had everyone believe it is. But that is my opinion. Knowing her and the person she can be.

[BluePancakes]

Can you say which gene it is, you're worried about? Is this gene specifically for childhood cancers? If your husband has the gene, will his mother be genetically tested, as it may have come from her?

As I said, up thread, I have a cancer gene mutation. I also have two girls, and know there's a 50:50 chance of each of them inheriting it. However, at least for BRCA1 and 2, they will not test children at all. Once the child is 18yo, then they can opt for testing but of course they are an adult by then.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Honestly, the protective mother in me wants to tie her to a chair drag the information out of her.

Perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't convict if I was on the jury.

I think this is slightly different to redgoat's situation as there is no cure for MND. From what you have said this illness has a cure as long as you catch it in time. Knowledge truly is power.

[Fizrim]

I appreciate your understandable concern about your own child, but I don't see how your DH knowing his father will affect whether he (your DS) carries the gene or not.

I hope you are doing OK, and that your DH continues to recover well.