To expect MIL to give info on DHs father.

[MargotFenring]

My DH is recovering from cancer. He was lucky and the doctors caught it early - treated with surgery and got it all so no chemo etc needed. He is now recovering, and will be for some month's yet, from the major and brutal surgery he had. It is hard as don't want to give too much revealing info but basically the type of cancer he had, we have been told is very likely a genetic one. The doctors recommended he undergo genetic testing to establish this and then we can further establish the likelihood of our DS, currently aged 4, getting it. My DH is 33 years old.

His mom married a man 9 months after DH was born who raised him as his own but he is not DHs biological father. He left when DH was born. DH found out when he was 12, at that time MIL said she would help him contact biological father if he ever wished it. DH then said no.

Fast forward 21 years, the relationship with MIL and FIL has been pretty bad, we had not spoken for 3 years prior to his getting sick. MIL imo, is pretty terrible. Think of all the bad MIL tales that get told on here and I can relate to most of them. However when DH was admitted to hospital, the day he got sick, I could tell the drs were worried, so before they even confirmed anything, I called MIL because, as a mother myself, I would want to know my son was extremely ill in hospital, despite everything.

They came and have actually been pretty great. This was 4 months ago. They have built up a great relationship with our DS. Taken him for weekends, they want to give him horse riding lessons, buy him nice rings, spend time etc. We haven't talked about past issues - their words are: water under the bridge.

Anyway - sorry for rambling picture painting - After Dr tells us Wednesday that in order to sort this genetic testing, the specialist that does this, will need a genetic family tree. So DH phones his mum, explains everything. She said she would help him, so he asks for his bio fathers name, explains he just wants to try and find out if he is alive/dead, try and talk to him, just to establish if this cancer is on his side. There are lots of cancers on his mother's side. But MIL said no. She won't tell him. No explanation. Just no. Actually the only real life example I have seen of 'no' being a complete sentence.

DH did not argue with her. The call ended with a vague commitment to seeing her this weekend.

I am raging though. Giving us the name is no guarantee of answers, but not giving it is complicating things. They were 19 when she got pregnant. He ran off when the baby was born. They were not living together. I have asked other relatives before about him, they said he cheated on her and was a shit in that sense but no mention of abuse.

I don't know. AIBU in expecting her to provide this?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think, Blue (and I don't know for sure) that the age for screening tests relates to the chances of having the cancer at that age. So for e.g. - a friend of mine's father died of bowel cancer in his early 30s, so they routinely screened him from the age of about 25, iirc, because of the early presentation.
Whereas my mother died of bowel Ca in her early 60s, so I was started on screening after 40, which is the "normal" age for screening, afaik.

Much of the timing of testing/screening will be done with a view to cost vs risk, so the possibility of early presentation will be taken into account.

[BluePancakes]

I'm just being nosey/curious (with respect to other cancers), but am preparing myself for a fight with my consultant as I want risk-reducing surgery (BSO), but some consultants want you to wait until you are 35yo or 40yo. I'm currently 33 (turn 34 in a couple of months), have finished my family, and do not want the year my mum has just had; but there is some research from 2014 that says if you're BRCA1+ there is benefit of having BSO before age 35, so will be printing that out and taking it with me when I meet them in a few weeks.

[Godstopper]

Depends on type of cancer and age of family member with diagnosis. As my brother had his first tumor at 8, another at 10, the recommendation has been to screen from about age 7 if the mutation is present (about 95% risk of cancer).

We are an unusual case, but would assume similar screening protocol for other types if it has emerged early.

[BluePancakes]

Out of curiosity, what cancers/mutated genes are being tested in children? Are they specifically childhood/young-person cancers?

Interested because I've been told in the UK they won't test under 18s for BRCA1/2 mutations, because they are seen as older-person's cancers, even though too many people in their 20s and 30s suffer with breast/ovarian/prostate cancer.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

I agree with Godstopper people do have a right to info on their origins.

I wouldn't be able to get passed that. I'd start asking family members

[Godstopper]

In v. similar situation, though suspect the type of cancer (it's called pheochromocytoma) is inherited from my the person that gave birth to me, and is in no way entitled to call herself a mother.

It makes it simpler if the Dr's know the specific mutation, but if not, they will still know the group of genes to look for - it'll just take a little longer to reach the same conclusion. It's also possible it is inherited from his mother, but is presently silent. Having a bigger picture is nice, but ultimately, won't affect things going forward, r.e. screening.

As for the biological father issue, I do find it disgusting that some refuse all information. Turns out my deafness is inherited from my bio-father, but I found that out myself. Like your DH, I was told "No" time and again, and it took 26 years to get a name.

Result? I have nothing to do with her (for that, and other things). Disgusting behavior as it is no longer just about her, but about others. People have a right to know basic information about their origins.

[CoteDAzur]

As I said before, if the gene for this particular type of cancer is known, then it should suffice to test OP's DS for it.

They can also test OP's DH if they want to know whether this gene runs in the family or not. I can't imagine why they would have to know if the grandfather has it, too.

[WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo]

Identifying a genetic cause can be hugely helpful. It sounds like your boyfriend's case was very unusual Velvet. But many cancers can easily be screened for.

Using my condition as an example, I had hundreds of polyps in my colon and one had developed into a tumour. There were three possible genetic conditions that could have caused the polyps. My surgeon was fairly certain of which one I had, but I needed the DNA test to confirm. Each of the conditions increased risks of other cancers and medical issues, so it was important to know which condition I had. Now I can be screened for the specific cancers/other issues I am at risk of developing.

My gene must have mutated when I was conceived, as neither of my parents has the condition. If one of my parents had it, I would have been tested as a child so that I could have had preventative surgery.

Obviously that's only one condition. I don't know what cancer or genetic issue the OP's DH might have. But it could be really beneficial for their son to know if he had the mutation, so that he can be screened in future and possibly have preventative treatment if any is available.

[VelvetSpoon]

But it's not that important is it? The doctors,can still reach the same conclusion, it will just take slightly longer.

And as I, and other posters, have pointed out, the father may now be dead/ untraceable/ unwilling to get involved or provide his DNA to help someone he doesn't know.

Ultimately I'm not sure how much the knowledge of whether or not there is a genetic component will help anyway. My bf was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer discovered by chance during surgery. We've nor been told there is a genetic component but if there had been, if he'd known he had a faulty gene, it was still unlikely to have been found, as even a previous MRI of the area missed it. I would be concerned that the tests will potentially cause more worry than less in the long term.

[sandgrown]

My mum went to her grave being the only person who knew the identity of my biological father . I loved her dearly and I am sure she had her reasons but I will always feel a part of my identity is missing . I have tried all avenues to find out but to no avail. I can never answer medical questions honestly. For years I was so embarrassed I told no one but very close friends. Now I am more honest. I urge all parents to give their children basic information about their father even if the relationship was bad.

[AuntieStella]

I hope very much that you ave an appointment with the genetic counsellors soon, so you have an opportunity to ask them exactly what they are looking for (or if they're not sure, how they are going about the hunt).

If they are not after DNA samples from wider family, then they are likely to be looking for disease patterns in families. You perhaps should ask what exactly they want to know, why and how important it is. If it is 'desirable, but not necessary, minor difference to the order in which they consider possibilities' then it might be easier for you to let this go.

Also, the possibility that if she hasn't been in touch with the father since DH was born, she may not know the information anyhow. And you do not know whether his biological father is alive to ask.

[Organon8]

I don't there is anything hugely to be gained from knowing, it is highly unlikely that there could be a reduction in risk in anyway.

MIL has her own reasons for not providing the information which she need not reveal.

Rather than get angry, just focus on your DH

[RaspberryOverload]

I strongly suspect that it's not the person she had everyone believe it is.

Which may acount for her refusal to give the information now as opposed to when the DH was 12 and it was initially offered.

If it's for the purpose of gene testing, then if the father is actually someone else, that'll show up.

May also explain why the supposed father took off and wanted nothing to do with the child, if he thought it wasn't his.

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

An ex partner of mine knew nothing about his biological father and his mother absolutely refused to tell him. Like, flat out refused many times over a period of twenty plus years. What can you do? I understand your frustration and how important it is to know in this instance, but if like my XP your husbands mum refuses to say and no one else in the family has a clue then you're onto a bit of a loser. You need to appeal to the mums nicer side and get her to understand how important this is, but I have no idea how you do that.

For what it's worth I think that denying someone information about a parent is a form of child abuse and a terrible thing to do.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Op I completely empathise with where you are coming from and I cannot understand how mil wouldn't want to help in any way she could.
Regardless of everything that's happening now your Dh has a right to that information at any time but given the situation now more so than ever.
I couldn't stomach someone who would deny helping their child and gc.
I was in a situation a few years ago with my nc father where I was going through genetic testing and because he wouldn't provide the genetics team access to his medical files I had to undergo some quite unpleasant tests but it was the fact that by providing some basic info it would have led to a faster diagnosis- why wouldn't you do that?! And we were nc so the fact that your ch has a reasonable relationship with his mum and she still won't help is worse in some ways.

[MargotFenring]

There is always the (very good) chance that if we even find him, and he is alive, he won't want to know. I know that. As does DH. But that is not a reason we should not at least try.

[MargotFenring]

Woah MeMySonAndI, at no point have I pushed this. My AIBU was about whether I was right in expecting MIL to hand it over. The information is not crucial, it does reduce waiting months down to weeks and help provide a more accurate result.

I have said several times it is my DH that wants to know. I do too but it ultimately comes down to him. I have not once pushed him. I have stayed quiet and used MN as my platform to express my feelings.

I don't actually know the gene they are testing for as someone upthread asked. I wish I had asked.

[CoteDAzur]

I'm sorry for your DH's cancer and understand your worry for your DS, but if the gene associated with this type of cancer is identified, they just need to check your DS's genome for it.

Have you considered the possibility that your DH's dad might not consent to a DNA test and in particular might not want to know if he has a cancer gene?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

The OP has already explained that the cancer develops almost asymptomatically, and was only found when other things were being looked at. So obviously, for their son's sake, they would like to know if he has the risky gene, so that he can be monitored more closely.

For that reason, it makes sense to have the genetic testing.

[MeMySonAndl]

I really don't know what advantage knowing that you have the gene will have, it is not as if you can remove the pancreas to avoid it developing. You may gain as little as you already have from the test, as having the gene doesn't necessarily means your son will develop that cancer or that he wouldn't develop another kind.

When my FIL died of pancreatic cancer, and it was mentioned that his grandfather also died of cancer, the oncologist told my ex that he may want to have the genetic test. He never got around it, and being the very hypochondriac analytic person he is, I think there was nothing to be gained from knowing he had the same problem gene.

I really think that you should check what you will gain from the tests, before you permanently upset the whole family and particularly your husband over this.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't understand why people are being so protective of the MIL's feelings here - she offered the info to her DS (OP's DH) when he was 12 - she wouldn't have done that if all these projected deep dark secrets were true, would she? So she's just being difficult now, now that the OP's DH has decided he wants to know for his own reasons, suddenly she's refusing to play ball.

If she'd never said anything to OP's DH about it, then yes, any of the projected scenarios could be the case - but she did.

[Fizrim]

I appreciate your understandable concern about your own child, but I don't see how your DH knowing his father will affect whether he (your DS) carries the gene or not.

I hope you are doing OK, and that your DH continues to recover well.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Honestly, the protective mother in me wants to tie her to a chair drag the information out of her.

Perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't convict if I was on the jury.

I think this is slightly different to redgoat's situation as there is no cure for MND. From what you have said this illness has a cure as long as you catch it in time. Knowledge truly is power.

[BluePancakes]

Can you say which gene it is, you're worried about? Is this gene specifically for childhood cancers? If your husband has the gene, will his mother be genetically tested, as it may have come from her?

As I said, up thread, I have a cancer gene mutation. I also have two girls, and know there's a 50:50 chance of each of them inheriting it. However, at least for BRCA1 and 2, they will not test children at all. Once the child is 18yo, then they can opt for testing but of course they are an adult by then.

[MargotFenring]

I just want my son to have the best chance he is going get.

Honestly, the protective mother in me wants to tie her to a chair drag the information out of her. But I have to be sensible and consider everything. I personally don't believe there to be abuse. I strongly suspect that it's not the person she had everyone believe it is. But that is my opinion. Knowing her and the person she can be.