to think being a night owl is a choice rather than something you can't help?

[lilypadpod]

Anyone else a night owl or live with one?

Frustrated with DH. He has always been a 'night owl'. In an ideal world he goes to bed around 5am gets up around 1pm. He still does this some weekends On work nights he goes to bed around 2am gets up 8-9am. He claims he can't help being like this, it's the way his brain is wired! He feels spaced out and grumpy in mornings even if he goes to bed early. By evening he's at his best.

I feel it's possible to train yourself to function well in mornings and get up early. I've always had to get up at 6am for work and feel a lie-in is a luxury! I'm fed up of living in different time zones and feel he should make more effort to get into a normal sleep schedule! I have to get up when baby is up (around 5:30am) and I go to bed at 9pm as he feeds 4x night. DH sometimes makes a big effort and gets up at 9am on a weekend but I still feel this is too late! More often it's 10-11am. And he's never energetic or enthusiastic in the mornings, he does everything in slow motion which puts a real dampener on the day. I suggested he get up at 7am sometimes so we can have a full day out as a family but he thinks this is very U! He faffs around for a couple of hours 'waking up' and having breakfast so if he gets up at 10 it's lunch-time by time he's ready... and I want him to take baby so I can get ready too!

AIBU to think he should/can adapt his sleep pattern to suit family life?

[JizzyStradlin]

Mine have done that too, at least the one who went in for 5.30am wake ups did. I consider it a realistic possibility that there are babies in the world who won't be settled back to sleep at that time, though. In the same way that my 5am waker wouldn't have gone back to sleep after her subsequent 8.30 or 9am rousing. Some of them are getting up when they're getting up.

[expatinscotland]

'This is a genetic predisposition thing. When travelling to america I get no jet lag because my body clock would naturally run at about 27 hours....when I travel east I am totally fucked.'

Yep! We travel to the US every year. DD2 and I are owls and cope just fine on the way over. DS has Asperger's and just doesn't need as much sleep, but he's up at dawn every day.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

It frustrates me on these threads that larks are called martyrs and get the psis taken out of them for enjoying being up early, but when the night owls are criticised, everyone defends them!

I'm a lark. I was a night-owl during my teenage years but now I find it impossible to sleep past 7am. I get people telling me I'm mad for getting up so early, that when I feel tired by 8pm (when I've been up since 5am for work), I should just "sleep later". Of course, for me, that is just as impossible to do as going to bed at 9pm is for a night owl.

I do think you can train yourself (to an extent) to fit in with an opposing schedule, but only temporarily and it's really not healthy to fight your natural body clock for long. I used to work lates and felt ill, sluggish and miserable because I'd been awake since 6am and wanted my bed by 10pm (impossible when I was still at work, sadly!). As soon as I switched to mornings, I felt more energetic, happier and found my immune system improved.

Luckily the world is more geared towards larks, but I do have every sympathy for people who have to fight their body clock every day, it's really not pleasant.

[MaidOfStars]

I am perfectly happy for people to be larks, as long as they recognise that some others are owls.

This means no lawn mowing at 8am. Unless you want me to play music at midnight.

[Tabsicle]

I'm the opposite. I'm a hard core lark. It drives OH mad at times - I've fallen asleep in the pub before and I can't stay in bed past 7 am. I have tried to change but it was too painful. Now I just enjoy my solo morning time and encourage him to play XboX games at midnight.

Based on me, I don't think it's easy to change at all.

[Skiptonlass]

The lark/owl thing is genetic - there's a definite preference for being either/or.

But.. It's not an excuse to duck out of anything. Millions of larks have to work night shifts and millions of owls have to be up at 6 for work. Even people with delayed sleep phase syndrome can treat it successfully with lifestyle changes. People who travel a lot for work have to deal with jet lag.

He needs to pull his finger out and stop using poorly understood science as an excuse.

[BumpAndGrind]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder

I'm a night owl.

I have tried and tried but I fear it's just genetics. Read the link above.

I'm lucky, DD is also a night owl and has been since birth. God help us when she starts school. I work evenings.

DH is an early bird. He gets up on his days off and can indulge in his hobby before we even wake.

[DN4GeekinDerby]

If he is already up late then he should help with more of the night parenting if possible and if he so wants that lie in, he could stay up a bit later to do some of the 5:30 stuff. There is certainly more that he could be doing either during the night or later in the day even if mornings are hazy time for him. Everyone has hazy times with little kids and some compromise needs to be found here.

However, anyone who told me we needed to be up at 7 to get in a full day with the family would receive little but laughter. On days off, the only one up that early in this house of 3 adults and 4 kids is my super-lark 8 year old and my partner - if he stayed up that late. I think the idea that it's only a full day when up that early is quite odd and unreasonable. I think the idea that everyone can be up and sparkling that early is completely unreasonable. We have plenty of great family days that start after noon that we all enjoy...

A few years ago when my partner started working night after he was the main carer for years who did most of the morning stuff and I had my super-lark who hadn't learned quiet activities yet and a light sleeper toddler, it was torture and took several months for me to be anything other than a shambling zombie who got out cereal and put on music and then zoned out on the couch for ages. Even now, with a few years of training, my comfortable natural wake-up time is around 8:30 - but if I wake up then I wake up with my brain on, no shambling required, and I can more enjoy everything. I have more time to enjoy things when I can wake up with my brain on than when I get up earlier and require hours of boot-up time. I've trained myself to cope earlier, but real switched on is less though not totally inflexible.

[Notonthestairs]

I had exactly this conversation row about this last night with my Owl (and gamer) DH.
My own sleep is so disordered (DD with ASD wakes repeatedly throughout the night and needs settling) that i have no idea whether I am an owl, lark or a robin. I am just tired.

Faffing around until the wee hours and then not getting up and pulling your weight when you have a family (especially a family with young children) is just self indulgent.

No advice. Just a deep, deep well of resentment.

[Frostycake]

I am a night owl. I struggled to get up for school, then college and finally work. I do it though but it's a struggle.

In spite of going to bed early (9.30 pm/ 10.00 pm) I feel utterly dreadful in the morning even if I've slept well.

Before noon, my brain is dull, my reactions are slower and I generally feel tired. Come 2 pm though, I'm wide awake and buzzing and do my best work/thinking between 2.00 pm and 10 pm. This is when my brain is at its peak and I have the most physical energy.

I know lots of people who are larks and lots who are owls and it doesn't appear to be something you can change.

your dp could do more though when he is awake and make occasional efforts to sync with your early rising now that he has a child.

[blobbityblob]

I think it must be strange if you are a lark with an owl partner. We're two owls and 9pm is our free time together really - all the jobs done, dc in bed. I'd be a bit peed off if he'd gone to bed, leaving me sat on my own. I suppose larks get a bit peed off sitting there for hours in the morning waiting for owls to get moving.

[Bogeyface]

Tiggy
I find it interesting what you say about not being able to eat for hours after getting up, its something I have never been able to do . My mother goes on about me needing to eat breakfast, but she is a lark and will get up at 8am (that being her concession to retirement, previously it was 7 at the latest) and will be awake and ready to go straight away. My father will have a bowl of porridge placed in front of him the second he gets up at about 9:30, and it will still be sat there at lunchtime. She has learned her lesson and no longer makes it for him!

DD's 1 & 4 and DS2 are larks, they are up and at 'em and eating brekkie straight away. DD's 2 & 4 are like me, and will eat a piece of toast because they know they have to, but really have the choke it down.

[ClarenceTheLion]

If allowed to follow my own routine, I would regularly go to bed about 3am. As it is, I have to be up at 8am six days a week, and don't cope well on little sleep, so I have to keep an eye on the time in the evening. It's so easy for two or three hours to go by like it was five minutes!

[LovelyFriend]

I'm never ready to eat until about 10am.

[lilypadpod]

Thanks everyone, really interesting mix of views!

Because my day starts at 5:30 I don't think of 7am as particularly early. I would love to lie in until 7!

I feel resentful that he can choose when to sleep and wake-up whereas my clock is determined by baby. Before baby I used to sleep around 1am-9am at weekends so not exactly an owl but not a lark either. I feel I don't get the choice of lark/owl yet I'm expected to accommodate his owl tendencies!

When I get up at 5:30 I feel exhausted and dazed, but I switch into awake mode because I have to. I feed baby, have breakfast, do laundry, play with baby, shower, dress both of us, get baby to nap, empty dishwasher etc... and I force myself to be cheerful and lively otherwise baby gets grumpy. So when DH drags himself out of bed late morning, moaning about how tired he is, and takes 2hours to have breakfast and get dressed (watching things on his phone ) I feel really cross!!

I don't think saying 'I'm not a morning person' is an excuse to be grumpy and half asleep all morning or take all the lie-ins! I get it that mornings are hard for him but they're hard for me too!

I'm BF so he can't do any night feeds, baby refuses a bottle plus he's busy gaming. But once baby is weaned and I'm back at work I don't want all the mornings to be my job!

[BathtimeFunkster]

baby refuses a bottle plus he's busy gaming

Sorry, but WTF?

He's not "busy gaming".

Unless you're married to PewDiePie, his is not "busy", he is having an enjoyable time doing his hobby while you are being a parent.

If he's genuinely an "owl", then when he's awake and baby things need doing, he can do them. Let him be the one who gets up to the baby. If you are not around he will be much more likely to take a bottle.

BTW staying up all night playing video games isn't an owl behaviour. He's just involved in compulsive behaviour and doesn't want to stop.

Does he stay up all night reading?

He sounds like a lazy shite. Crap husband, crap father.

I would be considering my position if the man who lived in my house treated me as he treats you.

[BathtimeFunkster]

But you might have to accept the slowness and grogginess.

Sorry, but nobody has to accept slowness and grogginess from someone who stayed up until 5am playing computer games.

He's groggy because he's tired.

He's a grown man who needs to go to fucking bed at a decent hour.

The games console should be off by 11.

That'll give him a bit of downtime so he can sleep (long) before 5.

You're a night owl too, lily.

His excuses are bullshit and you are being taken for a ride.

[Grilledaubergines]

I'm a night owl and to me it's completely normal. I've always been one and it's just the way it is. I sleep at the correct time for me and see no reason to change it. We're all different and I'm sure it's testing for you that your DH doesn't have the same sleep pattern as you but not sure there's anything you can do about it.

[ouryve]

I'm a night owl. Left to my own devices, I run on a 25 hour cycle.

As it is, I go to bed and get up later than DH, most days, but do what I can to stop myself drifting. It sometimes means I'm up at 7am after just 3 hours' sleep, but that's life.

[Bogeyface]

If he is gaming then that is why he cant sleep. He switches it off and goes to bed but his brain is still whirring from being overstimulated. I cant watch TV or use the PC at bedtime or that will do the same to me.

If you go to bed at 9 then he has 3 hours until midnight to game in, then there should be an agreement he turns it off so at least he has a fighting chance of getting to sleep.

[Bogeyface]

Ourvye I did that today and yesterday. Had a truly shitty day on Tuesday and have spent the last 2 nights awake until 4 am, still got up at 8 to get the kids ready and to school though.

The issue for the OP is not his night owl tendencies but the way he uses it as an excuse to opt out of parenting/family time.