ExH refusing to give DC medicine

[StonedAndDethroned]

My DD has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She has always had ADHD type behaviours (impulsivity/hyperactivity/lack of concentration).

She is 8 years old. Her father and I separated when she was 3.

The paediatrician has prescribed medication, after observing her in school and seeing her in the clinic. This is a tapered dose, so starting off at 10mg once a day then after two weeks, increasing to 20mg, then reviewed. this is to minimise side effects.

She started this two weeks ago, and was due to increase the dose today.

BUT

She spent five days with ExH who has refused to give it to her, so I now can't increase the dose after five days of no meds.

ExH and his GF claim that ADHD is a "toxicity issue" and that medicating her is "dosing her up"/"drugging her" with "toxins". They keep telling me that I need to cut all wheat, sugar and dairy out of her diet as that will make her better but I cant find any evidence or studies that support this, plus I am on benefits so it would be a very expensive experiment. They haven't tried this with her themselves.

What can I do? AIBU to take him to court? Or AIBU to not attempt this diet that ExH and his GF want me to? I feel so bullied by them that I honestly don't know if IBU.

Background
He was invited to the medical appointment but didn't attend.
He told me a few months ago that if I was overwhelmed and was unable to care for her (I'm a lone parent of three DC) then she would have to go into care as him and his GF couldn't cope with her. (They now claim that she is impeccably behaved for them but she always cries when she comes home and says that she has been in trouble)
He has recently cut his contact with her by 40% (due to work commitments), but will still have her every two weeks so will be able to repeatedly disrupt the tapered dosing by not giving it to her for a few days.
School have said that even with pre-tutoring post-tutoring and 1 to 1 support that DD is not retaining anything.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I agree with PregnantAndEngaged...a prohibited steps order may be your most immediately available option. Speak to your solicitor about it when you see him today. This is a fairly simple process and everybody knows where they stand because the law says so

[PregnantAndEngaged]

You can get a prohibited steps order (I think there is a new equivalent to that now, but it will do the same thing) which basically prohibits them from withholding medication. YANBU to do this; your child needs this medication to improve her condition and if they keep withholding it that's only going to set her back.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Oh dear, this is the last thing you and your daughter need.

I can understand her father's concern about the use of these drugs, but as he refused to come to the consultation or discuss it realistically with you, this disruption of a medically prescribed course of drugs can be construed as child neglect and would provide grounds for restricting access.
(This happened with a father who refused to allow his daughter to wear her hearing aids; fortunately he eventually saw sense.)

Discuss this with the consultant ASAP and put everything in writing, dates, times, father's words, girlfriend's 'advice' etc. I would imagine the consultant will want another meeting, invite the father, in writing; if he still refuses to attend, pursue the issue via a solicitor.

[Brekekekex]

Stoned - that's great, I hope you weren't offended by what I said. So many people aren't aware that the capsule can influence the effectiveness of the drug but I was torn as to whether to mention it! Your ex sounds like a controlling, lazy PITA

[StonedAndDethroned]

Brekekekex - it was the consultant who said to break the capsules open. There's little grains inside which are slow release themselves apparently.

I should do a paper/email trail.

I'm just so frustrated that he's not listening to reason and that he is using this as another opportunity to bully me, create conflict and cause me stress and anxiety.

I have a number of a good local family solicitor from another SEN parent, I'll be contacting them later for advice.

[mumcantmakeadecision]

can i ask how you communicate with the ex?
can you start using email? so you have proof that you informed him of all facts, dates etc.
for example
ex, child x has an appointment on x date at x time with x dr, can you please attend.
then when he doesnt
ex , as you were unable to attend, this was discussed and this was outcome, please contact dr x for any clarification
and so on
for everything.
ex, child x is on xx dose, needed at xx time
then when he texts of says he wont do it email him for conformation.
then you have a trail that he has had access to all infor but has chosen to not listen, attend, help and so on.

[Brekekekex]

OP I have every sympathy with your situation, your ex sounds awful! I was just wondering though whether you'd checked with the consultant about breaking open the capsules? A lot of medications are formulated so that the capsule protects the drug until it is in the right place to be absorbed. Without that your DD might not be absorbing the proper dose. I appreciate it's hard to get kids to take tablets and you've had some great advice on that so I'll butt out now! I hope you manage to resolve things with your ex and that the medication helps your DD.

[Expatmomma]

I have been through the exact same thing... So can totally sympathize.

Although in our case ex kept banging on that ADHD was caused by a magnesium deficiency.

So I asked the Dr for a blood test (DS does not mind them) and lo and behold he had excellent levels of magnesium!

However Ex still won't administer it.

Despite the consultant blasting him for stopping it every other weekend. Etc.

DS is now 11 and his DB 14. I now simply pack enough for the weekend in his bag and the boys ensure DS gets his dose.

Is this something your elder daughter could support her sister with?

My ex knows the meds are there but can't bring himself to administer them but no longer physically prevents DS from taking them.

The issue for us was that he did not want to / could not accept his son had special needs (he also has ASD) and was also refusing to pay his court ordered contribution to DS special school school fees. He is very rich do can afford it so money is not the issue.

I think in his mind if he did not give the meds DS does not have special needs and therefore does not need a special school.

You have my full sympathy and I hope you can resolve this soon either through court action or whatever steps you need to take.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

you may find you can adjust a bit to having them all the time, reduce expectations and the amount you do extra.... and it may be easier when she is medicated.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

I totally understand needing the break, especially if you don't have any support, but the best thing for your daughter right now would be to stop all contact, take this up with SS, and stick to the plan outlined by her doctor.

They are not providing medical care for a child with a health condition. If they are failing to support her on going health management, they are failing her in every area of her life. Keep all contact in writing.

Are there any ADHD charities that you could contact, to see if they have any pointers?

for you.

[rollmeover]

This must be so hard for you, especially knowing if you stop contact you will never get a break. Could you reduce contact to overnight so you can give her the medicine before she leaves in the morning and then as soon as you see her the following day. She gets the medicine, you get a break. (Though I have no idea if such medicine is meant to be taken at the same time every day).
Best of luck

[StonedAndDethroned]

I think I could do it all by myself for a couple of months. That could be long enough.

[StonedAndDethroned]

Good tip about the drinking out of a bottle to tip the head back. Thanks

[StonedAndDethroned]

I'm sure there's no respite available. I asked about it for DD1 a few years ago, before all the budget cuts, and there was none. I had to take her to my Dsis who is the other end of the country for a few days when I got desperate.

[StonedAndDethroned]

2ManySweets

I did think that about my username

[StonedAndDethroned]

2ManySweets

I did think that about my username

[Bogeyface]

Another thing about taking tablets, they go down far easier if you give them a drink out of a bottle, but only about a third full so they have to tip their heads back.

I can understand how you feel conflicted about needing a break but the only "carers" being available are people who dont actually seem to care about them.

Could you see if there is any kind of respite care locally that could help you?

[StonedAndDethroned]

I've had anxiety and depression and don't have any family locally

[StonedAndDethroned]

I think I would struggle without a break to be honest. Both DD are very full on. I'm so conflicted

[StonedAndDethroned]

Maryz I have tried. I started her on tictacs but she couldn't swallow (even with an incentive) then we reduced down to those tiny nerd sweets. I think it's the thought of it, she really can't do it. Maybe gummy bears would be better due to the soft texture though

[2ManySweets]

What a pair of utter shitheads; basically harming your child by denying her her meds but dressing it up as doing her a favour "in the long run". The fact you've not smacked either of their stupid smug faces is a testament to patience.

Maybe not the right forum for this but excellent JAMC username x

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Good God, what a pair of utter wankers. OP, I really feel for you. I have a (diagnosed) ASD child (but no ADHD, for which I am grateful and you have my huge sympathy) and it is hard enough as it is without this sort of fuckwittery to deal with. Who the hell do they think they are? I have had issues with ex-h and his "partner" who decided that my DS wasn't autistic because she is a children's hairdresser with a CRB check, therefore she knew about these things . I was accused of "attention seeking". You couldn't make it up.

I agree with others, this is one of those situations where I would withdraw contact (or agree to supervised contact at a centre) due to their absolute mindless inability to medicate a child who requires medication. I would also seek some legal advice. Their double standards are astonishing and it sounds as though Miss Holistic quack therapist has far too much influence in this situation. I would also contact SS, you can't go on with their charade any longer. Thank God your DD has you!