To spend different amounts on friends' presents based on what they spend on me... awkward situation!

[lilypadpod]

2 of my close friends have birthdays days apart. This year the 3 of us met up. I gave them both a present, expecting them to open gifts at home on their birthdays (as they usually do) but instead they opened them over lunch

Let's call them Anna and Sadie. I gave Anna perfume/skincare worth £50 and Sadie a book and chocolates worth £10. Anna spends a similar amount on my birthday gifts, while Sadie spends £5-10 on me.

Sadie was staying with me (she lives further away so I see her less often). She was moody that eve, I asked what was up, she said she was upset that I'd given Anna a nicer gift I explained I spent the same amount as she spends at my birthday, also reminded her I'm on SMP. She was still upset that I'd 'treated' Anna to something nicer and felt I don't value her the same way.

If it's relevant we've all been friends for 15years, since high school. Sadie is a mature student, Anna has a reasonably well paid job.

[CooPie10]

Sadie had no right to expect a more expensive gift when she spends a 5 on you. How entitled of her, asking for something she's not even doing herself.

[Muskateersmummy]

Usually I don't think of costs of gifts or the value of things bought for me when I'm buying for my friends. I choose something I think they will love. However if I was giving two gifts, to two friends, at the same time, I would have made sure they looked like a similar amount of time and effort had gone into both gifts.

Personally I think Sadie felt you had thought more about Anna's gift as opposed to having less money spent on her. It was a bit unreasonable of Sadie to mention it, a book and chocolates possibly looked a less thoughtful gift.

[seoulsurvivor]

I never really think about how much people spend on me. Sometimes I give something worth 5 pounds, sometimes worth 50, just depends how skint I am/what I see that I like.

I wouldn't ever comment on how much something cost, nor even really think about it.

[echt]

I don't see how a book is a less thoughtful gift, but then I'd never give book I wouldn't gladly read myself. I do not like chocolates, but wouldn't turn my nose up at them, just give them to DH and DD.

[Katarzyna79]

i agree muskateer.

My friends stopped gifting me years ago and i them we do gifts out of the blue but not on bdays seems like something for kids.....or maybe im weird?

[theycallmemellojello]

Erp I'm with sadie (though I would never have raised it myself). Who keeps tabs on what others spend on them? I think that's really cheap behaviour tbh. And poor form to give the gifts together.

[Winifredgoose]

I agree with Kat79.

[LoveBoursin]

Hmm it's a hard one be causes Anna can afford to spend £50 on a present for a friend whereas Sandie can't as she isn't working atm.

So the money spent on your present is probably more of a reflection of their spending power rather than the 'value' they put on the friendship.

On the other hand, by giving them presents with such a different value, you HAVE sort of said you are putting a different value to each friendship, happy to splash on one person but not the other.

So my question to you is:

• when you are giving a present, do you do it for the pleasure of knowing your friend will enjoy it or do you do it expecting something of the same value back?

[BuggersMuddle]

Hrm, for me a lot would depend on why one could spend more. For example, if one friend is a single parent in a low income and another can give extravagant gifts because they have a wealthy DH, I would feel bad spending more on the already wealthy one. If it was a choice thing, not so much.

All else being equal, I spend based on my income and the closeness of the relationship.. In this case I think your main error was giving the gifts at the same time. Anna may feel equally awkward which may spoil your gift to get a little. I think I might feel awkward in either friends shoes tbh.

[echt]

If the friends' differing incomes is an issue, has Sandie always been on a low income, or has she always given low-cost presents?

In my experience, cheapskatery is not always related to income.

[NadiaWadia]

In the real world, people do tend to roughly try to keep gifts to each other of a similar value. That is when people are on an equal footing, like friends, siblings. But in more unequal relationships, ie parents to child, aunt to niece/nephew you would expect the 'senior' person to give more, ie I would expect and want my DDs and DNs to give me gifts of lesser value than the ones I give them. It just feels right, and is the norm, surely?

If people just buy random presents of wildly differing amounts, it all gets a bit complicated. For example if you bought your friend who is poorer than you a very expensive birthday present and they couldn't afford to reciprocate, it could potentially make them feel embarrased, or even annoyed if they feel forced do the same for you.

[Katarzyna79]

not so important but given choice of fancy skincare or a book id prefer a book everytime sadie should have wised up its such a better present!

[Headofthehive55]

I try and match the value of gifts given to me or my children.

I really don't want anyone to feel they have to spend more than they have to spare on me.

[jaykay34]

I am with you on this OP ! YANBU.

I can't believe Sadie actually mentioned it - even if she felt annoyed, it seems a bit spoilt and childish in highlighting it ! It sounds like the gifts were equally as thoughtful and relevant to the person. Sadie must know that she gets you token priced gifts. She sounds ungrateful.