To spend different amounts on friends' presents based on what they spend on me... awkward situation!

[lilypadpod]

2 of my close friends have birthdays days apart. This year the 3 of us met up. I gave them both a present, expecting them to open gifts at home on their birthdays (as they usually do) but instead they opened them over lunch

Let's call them Anna and Sadie. I gave Anna perfume/skincare worth £50 and Sadie a book and chocolates worth £10. Anna spends a similar amount on my birthday gifts, while Sadie spends £5-10 on me.

Sadie was staying with me (she lives further away so I see her less often). She was moody that eve, I asked what was up, she said she was upset that I'd given Anna a nicer gift I explained I spent the same amount as she spends at my birthday, also reminded her I'm on SMP. She was still upset that I'd 'treated' Anna to something nicer and felt I don't value her the same way.

If it's relevant we've all been friends for 15years, since high school. Sadie is a mature student, Anna has a reasonably well paid job.

[jaykay34]

I am with you on this OP ! YANBU.

I can't believe Sadie actually mentioned it - even if she felt annoyed, it seems a bit spoilt and childish in highlighting it ! It sounds like the gifts were equally as thoughtful and relevant to the person. Sadie must know that she gets you token priced gifts. She sounds ungrateful.

[Headofthehive55]

I try and match the value of gifts given to me or my children.

I really don't want anyone to feel they have to spend more than they have to spare on me.

[Katarzyna79]

not so important but given choice of fancy skincare or a book id prefer a book everytime sadie should have wised up its such a better present!

[NadiaWadia]

In the real world, people do tend to roughly try to keep gifts to each other of a similar value. That is when people are on an equal footing, like friends, siblings. But in more unequal relationships, ie parents to child, aunt to niece/nephew you would expect the 'senior' person to give more, ie I would expect and want my DDs and DNs to give me gifts of lesser value than the ones I give them. It just feels right, and is the norm, surely?

If people just buy random presents of wildly differing amounts, it all gets a bit complicated. For example if you bought your friend who is poorer than you a very expensive birthday present and they couldn't afford to reciprocate, it could potentially make them feel embarrased, or even annoyed if they feel forced do the same for you.

[echt]

If the friends' differing incomes is an issue, has Sandie always been on a low income, or has she always given low-cost presents?

In my experience, cheapskatery is not always related to income.

[BuggersMuddle]

Hrm, for me a lot would depend on why one could spend more. For example, if one friend is a single parent in a low income and another can give extravagant gifts because they have a wealthy DH, I would feel bad spending more on the already wealthy one. If it was a choice thing, not so much.

All else being equal, I spend based on my income and the closeness of the relationship.. In this case I think your main error was giving the gifts at the same time. Anna may feel equally awkward which may spoil your gift to get a little. I think I might feel awkward in either friends shoes tbh.

[LoveBoursin]

Hmm it's a hard one be causes Anna can afford to spend £50 on a present for a friend whereas Sandie can't as she isn't working atm.

So the money spent on your present is probably more of a reflection of their spending power rather than the 'value' they put on the friendship.

On the other hand, by giving them presents with such a different value, you HAVE sort of said you are putting a different value to each friendship, happy to splash on one person but not the other.

So my question to you is:

• when you are giving a present, do you do it for the pleasure of knowing your friend will enjoy it or do you do it expecting something of the same value back?

[Winifredgoose]

I agree with Kat79.

[theycallmemellojello]

Erp I'm with sadie (though I would never have raised it myself). Who keeps tabs on what others spend on them? I think that's really cheap behaviour tbh. And poor form to give the gifts together.

[Katarzyna79]

i agree muskateer.

My friends stopped gifting me years ago and i them we do gifts out of the blue but not on bdays seems like something for kids.....or maybe im weird?

[echt]

I don't see how a book is a less thoughtful gift, but then I'd never give book I wouldn't gladly read myself. I do not like chocolates, but wouldn't turn my nose up at them, just give them to DH and DD.

[seoulsurvivor]

I never really think about how much people spend on me. Sometimes I give something worth 5 pounds, sometimes worth 50, just depends how skint I am/what I see that I like.

I wouldn't ever comment on how much something cost, nor even really think about it.

[Muskateersmummy]

Usually I don't think of costs of gifts or the value of things bought for me when I'm buying for my friends. I choose something I think they will love. However if I was giving two gifts, to two friends, at the same time, I would have made sure they looked like a similar amount of time and effort had gone into both gifts.

Personally I think Sadie felt you had thought more about Anna's gift as opposed to having less money spent on her. It was a bit unreasonable of Sadie to mention it, a book and chocolates possibly looked a less thoughtful gift.

[CooPie10]

Sadie had no right to expect a more expensive gift when she spends a 5 on you. How entitled of her, asking for something she's not even doing herself.

[Paulat2112]

I think YANBU at all. Can you be my friend? I have like no friends lol, my only pressies come from my DH and DC. Even my mum doesn't get me a gift always says 'i'll take you out to dinner' and it's never happened!!

[specialsubject]

not my definition of 'mature'.

solve the problem by declaring that as adults you don't need to buy each other presents any more. I certainly wouldn't buy anything for stroppy Sadie ever again. You only get one shot at this kind of childish behaviour.

[Katarzyna79]

Me neither blue i agree sadie is an adult she should have been gracious and bit her tongue

[Katarzyna79]

I think ywbu. I dont know about bdays but gifts in general i give them because i want to make the recipiant happy, out of love. I wouldnt budget a gift keeping in mind how much they spent on me but rather what the receiver would love the best, and my own budget.


I think you didnt have the best intentions it looks like ur gift giving was simpy returning the favour because they gifted u, box ticking. I wouldnt want a gift under those circumstances its not genuine love is it?

Your excuse of not giving sadie an equally valyed gift based on you being on smp is poor form too. you could have given them gifts seperately or spent an equal amount uf guving it together.

If money is tight why not treat both of them to meal at fancy restaurant no need to give one something dear and the other acheaper gift.

[BluePancakes]

You are both being unreasonable, imo. Sadie shouldn't have had a tantrum, but I don't understand gift-giving based on what you get in return.

[FoolsAndJesters]

I think it was ok to spend different amounts but you were a little thoughtless not to have worked out a way for them not to open them in front of each other.
You friend is being daft and grabby to be sulky about it.

[ohtheholidays]

Of course YANBU but Sadie is,she's a grown woman who the hell as an adult kicks of over what someone has spent on them.

I spend on friends according to how close we are,so with my BF I'll spend between £60-£75.Another friend I'm close to between £25-£30 other friends I'll spend between £15-£20.

The fact that she spends £5 on you but would expect you to spend £50 on her OP speaks volumes about her not you!

[NynaevesSister]

To be fair to Sadie, as a mature student the money she did spend on you probably meant the same to her as if she had spent £50. She probably spent as much on you as she could afford and instead of returning in kind, you matched pound for pound. It isn't so much that she is upset that you didn't spend the same amount of money as you did in the other friend.

It's more that you ONLY saw the monetary cost of the presents you were given by each and not the true value.

[ProfYaffle]

tbh I think it's tactful to spend roughly the same on a friend as they spend on you, especially if they're on a lower income. I'd worry that if I spent loads more on a friend they'd feel pressurised to spend more than they could afford on me.

[sooperdooper]

I never think to clock how much a friend might spend on me, I spend what I can afford at the time when it comes to birthdays

Yabu to have kept a mental note of who spent what, I don't like the concept of only buy presents to get the same value back

[EcclefechanTart]

I think I would have spent the same amount on each. Mature students are typically skint, so I wouldn't expect her to be able to reciprocate, but it wouldn't feel comfortable buying two equally good friends gifts of very differing values. And I would imagine skint friend might appreciate a luxury gift more than well-off friend.